Ask Me Help Desk - I'm gay and In a relationship with a possible divorce guy, How do I need to proceed?

This is very complicated situation. PLEASE DO NOT BE JUDGEMENTAL. Im gay and not out, 30 yo. I met a guy 4 months ago where I didn't know he was married after the second time we see each other and he told me he was. I kept seeing him after that. With him things were odd since he always was telling me how great I was and that he could kiss me forever. He always smiling and happy. But my problem started when I started devoloping feelings for him I knew I had to remove them from me because it wasn't right. So we kept seeing each other and the problem got bigger when he was actually falling in love with me since we met which I didn't know until then; like maybe couple of moths later. So it got to the point that he was constantly calling me and wanted me to see him almost everyday. He is 25 and married, religious and his fam treat him like a little kid. His mother constantly calls him to check on him. He is bipolar with squizo issues as well. He is a good person overall with flaws like anybody else. I care for him a lot. Things got out of control when his mother started realizing what was going on. Oh and by the way he wanted me to introduce me to his wife that way he could come to my place without them asking him where he was going with. Eventually met his mother. I know very extreme. He were playing board games and all that. He was happy doing that for some reason where I was unfortable but I did it anyway.
Eventually in one week everything changed. He came out to his uncle that is gay as well then he told his father that is divorced from his mother long time ago.
Since he is very close to his fam and worked at the same place his brother works he started telling his brother since he is his best friend that he was dating a girl and he was very in love with her. His brother conmdended it of course. Even when he knows that his brother cheated on his wife several times before. They are on a religion called Church of Christ or something like that.
Well he was feeling very bad one day and he asked me if we could move to another state I was like we need to think things through first.
I told him that I would see him at my house.
That night he basically came out to his wife and mother and the rest of the fam found out immediately. It was a emotional rollercoaster that night. It was horrible. He was doing okay for 3 days but I guess thinking of everything was hard for him. Especially his entire fam sending him emails saying that he was going to hell and that they wouldn't accept him like that. I really love him and he feels the same way about me but I feel terrible for his wife. Although I wasn't the only guy he messed with and not like that makes it better in any way.
The problem came after 4 days later when he almost committed suicice and he ended up in a psychiatric hospital. I felt horrible knowing what he tried to do. He was there for about 3 days; he called me constantly and I was in contact with him. By the way I need to mentioned that I put him on my ins as a dom partner which I heard from friends that it wasn't a good idea. After that I visiting him only in the evenings.
He said that the reason he did it was because he was hurting a lot of people and couldn't endure it anymore.
After the 4th day he got out and he found out that he wanted to be with me and that he was accepting the fact that he was gay regardless what his fam thought about it.
But of course his fam was still rejecting him. His mother kind of accept him and she accepts me as well but she still thinks that he is going to hell... I don't really understand that. I honestly do no want to be gay either but like my boyfriend, partner, whatever title fits, everything feels right and perfect with each other, it just does. Its hard to explain he says... but this Monday we went to bank to add him into my bank accts and was a very normal weekend; not fights or anything he even mentioned that I was his fam and that if his fam doesn't accept him then be it. I was surprised that he mentioned that. So this Monday after we did that he called me around 4 pm saying that he needed time. He didn't say that he took everything with him from the house he just left and gave me a call saying that. He said that his loves his fam and that he is in between them and me. So I said okay. At this point I don't know what to do... I have been waiting since Monday... and I don't know how long I should wait... texted him yesterday and he said that he was okay and that he told me that he needed time.

After this I tried to forget him but he ended up calling me after a whole week saying that he couldn't be without me and that he needed me. I was very happy but at the same time wary. I told him that I couldn't handle another situation like that. He asked me for another chance. We decided to see each other only during the nights and without his family knowing about it for the time being.

Two days ago his mother I believe was spying on him and found out that we were seeing each other. She confronted him and he got a little break down but his mother told him that she wanted to see him happy and that he needed to be completely on one side and not both.

So he is happy with me and we both have a very strong relationship as weird as that sounds. His wife for some reason called him yesterday basically asking to get back together. He doesn't want to he just feels like divorce shouldn't be a something a christian should do. Sometimes he gets confused and can't focused in the big picture. I was like do you love her? He said no not really I just think that the Bible says that God hates divorces and then I said but he doesn't like liers or cheaters and you have been doing that for the time you been married. He agreed and he knew that was wrong get back together with her. I don't want to interfere with his decisions but he knows what he needs to to I guess is just difficult for him to do all this.

Today he is going to get some therapy to learn how to handle all this.
I just don't know what I need to do at this point.

I think you should ask yourself what YOU really want and need in your life.
There are many dramas going on here at the same time and it might be better if your friend got his life back on track before having a relationship with anyone.
Therapy is a good thing -but I d step back for a while and let some of this confusion settle.

You said you didn't know that he was "married" the first time you seen him initially, but then, you did find out he was married before your second time seeing him. Now knowing that, you still pursued to see him in an intimate way after? If you know someone is not available but you are interested in them and they are seriously interested in you then you should have refrained from seeing him until he has made a clear decision. I understand he did tell his wife and family eventually but at the same time, you are now carrying a heavy burden. You should never have an intimate (emotional or sexual) relationship with a married person.

I also think this guy has serious flaws... you said he cheated on his wife before... what makes you think he won't cheat on you in the future? He doesn't deserve his wife, and actually his wife and family deserve much better from a husband and father (if there are any children involved). He sounds like a scumbag "just" by the actions and behaviors he has committed. Did he know he was bisexual before? Did his wife know he was bisexual? That's a pretty big secret to keep from your family... it should always be an open thing so no one gets hurt and everyone knows the potential mess a "marriage" could end up in.

You said that you felt awful for his "wife" and "family"... just a question; Why didn't you consider the fact that your relationship with a married/family man "might" affect his family in a negative way? Remember for every action there is an equal consequence/result. It sounds like you where not thinking of other people who could get hurt and that you and him where thinking of yourselves. It isn't your fault he is a looser and finally his good conscious is kicking in and guilt started taking over but you shouldn't have been part of that equation.

What does ins as a dom partner mean? Why did you add him on your bank account? Why are you supporting him in any way? He deserves no sympathy... he is cheating on his wife, lying to his family (as all in the past) and keeping you at arms length? Do you honestly think that he could just pick up and leave? NO... HE HAS A BIG MESS TO CLEAN UP... I really don't think you should be helping him pick up the pieces... ultimately it's his marriage and his family and his decision.

If you have any respect for yourself you would break it off and see what he does... tell him he needs to make a decision and ACT ON IT... not play tweedle dee tweedle dumb! Don't wait at the bleachers either... continue your journey forward. If love is true, you can trust to let it go, if it comes back to you, then it is yours to keep... additionally; yours to keep when he is free and clear and you both can walk a guilty-free and happy life.

As it goes for what is defined as a Good Christian or Good Catholic so I will shed some light. In the bible it states this:
"A man does well not to marry. But because there is so much immorality, every man should have his own wife, and every woman should have her own husband. A man should fulfill his duty as a husband, and a woman should fulfill her duty as a wife, and each should satisfy the others needs." (1 Corinthians 6,7 Lines 1-3)
"For married people I have a command which is not my own but the Lord's: a wife must not leave her husband; but if she does, she must remain single or else be reconciled to her husband; and a husband must not divorce his wife." (1 Corinthians 6, 7 Lines 10-11)

Here's "his Christan Families belief" on the matter of being Gay:
"No man is to have sexual relations with another man; God hates that." (Leviticus 17, 18, 19 Lines 22)
"They did all these disgusting things and made the land unclean, but you must not do them. All of you, whether Israelite or foreigners living with you, must keep the Lord's laws and commands, and then the land will not reject you, as it rejected the pagans who lived there before you. You know that whoever does any of these disgusting things will no longer be considered one of God's people". (Leviticus 17, 18, 19 Lines 26-29)

Now, he is not considered one of God's people, so he is free to go and make choices. Adultery is a punishable act because it is one of the ten commandments "Thou shall not commit adultery".

... so all in all, his family as "Christians" say he's going to hell and he can be forgiven if he repents his sins but he is living in sin and not by the Law of God rather he is living by the "Laws of Man" therefore is banished from God's people. As it goes for his wife, well I don't think she is allowed to remarry but I have seen second marriages in the Church being done. I hope that helps clear it up.

I am not here to judge you, just remember to respect yourself and carry your own burdens and not someone else. Stay away from him until he makes up his mind... even though you deserve better yourself. Work out your issues and don't let people in your life so easily; be sure that you are loved and respected (regardless of race, age, sex or religion).

I understand April but since you never ever experienced what is like to be gay and not being accepted by society I don't think you would understand the concept. This life is already hard as it is and in top of that you have to deal with your sexuality. Trust me you don't understand completely.
He is not a scumbag, I don't think nobody has the right to judge anybody because everybody has their own baggage. Especially his fam has done things like any other human being and anybody can be judgemental. I do appreaciate the effort you put on this by the way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by diehl2008

I understand April but since you never ever experienced what is like to be gay and not being accepted by society I dont think you would understand the concept. This life is already hard as it is and in top of that you have to deal with your sexuality. Trust me you dont understand completely.
He is not a scumbag, I dont think nobody has the right to judge anybody because everybody has their own baggage. Especially his fam has done things like any other human being and anybody can be judgemental. I do appreaciate the effort you put on this by the way.

I don't understand the complexity of being bisexual or gay but I do have empathy. I know how hard life is, as it is, and all the expectations and responsibility. I am not placing judgment because I don't know him, never seen him, but I am observing his actions and behaviors. It is my opinion. I am a wify and if I was her I would be really upset... I would definitely not want to stay married with him. How would you feel if you where her? Don't you think you should distance yourself? Don't be blind to the facts. He has cheated numerous times before on his wife and could potentially cheat (or in all probability) cheat on you in the future. He has no regards for his wife and family at the "moment in time" but is feeling remorseful now... well, "he needed time" I think you said then he changed his mind and said he loved you. He sounds confused, don't meet with him anymore... until he makes a decision and acts on it.

You back off, and let him deal with his issues is what you do. You think its easy going through having his whole world turned inside out? You may be comfortable in your skin, and cheating but he was not, but he did it, and see what has happened. He needs time to reconcile his feelings so he can decide his next step. You give him time to adjust, and let his emotional dust settle. That would be the caring way to go.

Joint bank accounts is a lousy idea, considering, don't you think? That's rushing things at this stage of things.

... I can't do that because he needs me right now... I was asking more on how to deal with it, I am not hesitant on being with him...
We want to be each other... I guess this was a mistake to put this in here... I do appreciate your efforts though...

Quote:

Originally Posted by diehl2008

...I can't do that because he needs me right now... I was asking more on how to deal with it, I am not hesitant on being with him...
We want to be each other... I guess this was a mistake to put this in here... I do appreciate your efforts tho...

Give him space and with that thought - it gives you space! He has his family and his wife he needs to explain himself to - not just about being gay (which is huge to a woman that thought she was married to a straight guy) but about cheating again. He caused his own distress and needs to deal with it... sort it out. He survived the first couple of times committing adultery - let him go through counseling. You don't feel bad for his wife and family then don't say that... fact is you don't care. Just say you don't! Your not the good guy and neither is he but there are some innocent people being hurt in the process. I He needs to be clear and I guess you have to be patient. If you get hurt then I forewarned you.

Sorry if that isn't what you wanted to hear.

Quote:

Originally Posted by diehl2008

...I can't do that because he needs me right now... I was asking more on how to deal with it, I am not hesitant on being with him...
We want to be each other... I guess this was a mistake to put this in here... I do appreciate your efforts tho...

What you mean is you don't like the answer you got because its not about you being together. Trust me, until he makes up his own mind to figure what he wants you will not get what you want. A happy health partner who wants you as much as you want him.

I also submit that he doesn't need you, that's you wanting to be needed by him. Put your own selfish needs aside and give him the space to make up his own mind. If you really care to find out what he really needs.

I guess I totally agree with you Talaniman, it is hard to deal with this stuff but I have to step back for a bit until he makes all his decisions.
He wanted me to go with his dads fam this weekend I went and he wants to move back with me but I told him that he needs to take care of his staff first before we can do any kind of drastic changes in ours lifes. I really appreciate the effort you guys put on this. Sometimes you can't see the real picture until somebody points it out to you.

Thanks again...

You re welcome-keep posting and good luck.