Our son has recently turned 18 and started his senior year. All has been going pretty well. He stays busy with school and working 30 hours per week. On his days off he spends time with his friends which I understand. We don't especially like him spending a lot of time at his 20 year old cousins house. He lives with 2 other 20 year olds and I know that my son drinks when he's there, but then spends the night so he doesn't drive.

I have been waiting for the "I'm 18 and can do whatever I want". Well it has happened. He came home the other night and asked help from my husband on figuring out a material list for his woodworking project that he's making at school. He chose to make a bar, which he said he plans to store at his cousin's house until some day when he gets his own place. We were not happy with his choice and told him he should pick another project. He stated "I'm not asking if I can make this, I can do whatever I want because I'm 18".

We are disagreeing on how to handle this. My husband wants to take away everything that we own and make him buy his own things... such as dirtbike, snowmobile, pickup.. since we currently pay for all of this stuff. I think this may send him out the door and possibly move in with his cousin. I do not want this and think it could cause many problems. Besides that, he needs to go to school.

What should we do?

I know its not what you asked (I agree with you on taking things away) but I think you are overreacting. It's a bar. A large piece of wood where people sit and drink. A bar does not inspire drinking... it serves no purpose a box, a closet or a table doesn't.

He and his friends are not going to drink because they HAVE a bar to do it. They are going to drink anyway. The bar is just a woodworking project.

Tell him that a bar, where alcohol is served, is not appropriate for a high school project.

I agree, you are going overboard with the discipline.

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Originally Posted by J_9

Tell him that a bar, where alcohol is served, is not appropriate for a high school project.

I agree, you are going overboard with the discipline.

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I have to disagree with you... a bar is just a piece of furniture and you can buy one at any furniture store regardless of age.

I agree with the others. My husband really wants to get a bar and he doesn't even drink. He wants barq's rootbeer on tap. It's just a piece of furniture.

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Originally Posted by stevetcg

I have to disagree with you... a bar is just a piece of furniture and you can buy one at any furniture store regardless of age.

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I tend to agree... but coming from the bible belt myself, it would not be permitted as my child's high school project. So, I suppose my idea lends itself to my particular location.

Honestly I don't think the woodshop project is that big of a deal, but that is up to you. As for "I am 18 and can do what I want" ( I have two teenagers) This child is still in high school, living under your roof , so you are in charge and you get to make the final descions. Be strong and stick to it.

I don't think the whole point is what it is about it is just that you are the parents and make the choices until he is on his own.

I also have to agree that building the bar is not necessarily a bad thing and I feel the bar itself is not actually the issue here. The problem is the new found "independence" I guess you could say, and your issue with respect.

I don't think that taking away some of the things he is taking for granted is a terrible idea, including the free living expenses. He thinks he's a grown man, right? Well grown men pay rent. Grown men go grocery shopping and pay bills.

Try an ultimatum. Accept still having to obey your will while he's under your roof or pay for the independence like a "grown man".

He might threaten to move out but for how long do you honestly think his 20 year old cousin will be able to support him? He'll have to pay his own expenses if he moves out because I doubt the cousin will allow long term leeching. This means less money for whatever it is he wants and since he will have to get a job, well less time to hang out and have fun. You could also say he cannot take anything that's not legally his so cough up the money for his dirt bike and so fourth or everything stays.

Sometimes you have to pick your battles. And I have to agree with the others, maybe this one isn't worth fighting. I don't really see building a bar as a huge thing either. Not following house rules in general is another though. If you tell him you don't want him hanging out at his cousins so much and he decides he's going to go over all the time anyway, that's no good. (at least he doesn't drink and drive though)

The ultimatum that my cousins and me were all given was the same as silverfox suggested. If you don't want to live by the house rules, you have 30 days to move. And then a reminder about how much it costs to live on your own. My cousin is 22, still lives at home, and still has to follow the house rules because the ultimatum is still that or leave.

I agree that the bar isn't the issue but why not make him pay for it himself since you don't approve. I'd let an 18 year old pay for many of his own things anyway.

If he wants to be an adult and make adult decisions, you pay the basics and let him pay the rest. That'll help him realize that being an adult and making his own decisions includes the financial responsibility that comes with adulthood.

I'm on board with the our house, our rules, if not move out.