Ask Me Help Desk - Husband's Female Friend

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here and I would appreciate some insight. My husband and I have been together for close to 14 years. For the most part we have a wonderful healthy and loving relationship. All except for one point. His female friend. They started as co-workers sharing an office. Then last year they along with a large amount of others from their jobs were let go. After that they continued to hang out together outside of work. I still have my job so I go to work M-F 8-5.

He started telling me he was going to the movies with her which would always end up with a deink or two at the bar and he'd always be home by the time I was home. I admit this made me extremely uncomfortable and I discussed it with him and how it made me feel. He dismissed my feelings and just said we needed to find a way to make this work because she was his friend. This made me feel like I was overreacting and being a jealous wife and it caused a huge riff inour relationship. We worked it out as far as me accepting that this was important to him. He started inviting me out with them but I admit I find her incredibly annoying. I just do not care for this woman and I really tried befriending her.

As time went on vacations popped up where she'd invite me and my husband places with her and her other friend who was a male. Now I feel like every time we do anything she always gets an invite and I feel she is bleeding into every aspect of my life. This straw that broke the camels back for me was this. After many years of being dissastisfied with my career we decided it was best I go back to school. So I still have my full time job, now I go to school part time on evenings and weekends. I am not free to go on weekend trips anymore. The other day my husband informed me he wanted to take her home to his parents house for a weekend festival that occurs every October. It is one of my favorite things to do and since I have school I can't go. I told him that I felt this was extremely unappapropriate and that in no way shape or form would I ever be OK with that. He feels I am overreacting because she is no different then a male friend. Am I being unreasonable? I feel I have a right to set a boundary that my husband should never go away on a weekend trip with another woman regardless of where they stay or that she may be "just a friend". I need insight. Now he is extremely angry at me and feels I am being untrusting and unreasonable.

Please help.

That is something I find very tough because it is hard saying what is going on. The way you are saying things doesn't make him sound bad or that he is doing anything wrong. Are you suspecting him of cheating or you just don't like the fact of him being alone for a weekend with her and that it might lead to cheating. I understand it being a problem and I would never ask that out of my girlfriend. I find it a litte disrespectful. If you want it to be that way and him not go then make sure you set that boundary line and put your foot down on this one. He needs to know where he stands.

Hello I just want to say that I'm married as well and I feel that your feelings are very justified in my opinion any new friendships that come after the marriage if both partners are not comfortable with should be let go because you're his wife and you and your feelings should be his number one priority in the vows it says forsaking all others and on the other hand if this event is something that the two of you do together he is out of line for taking her if your not comfortable with it or able to attend yourself if you were going that would be a different story! I hope things work out for you!

Iknow my husband is a good man. I don't suspect him of cheating. I guess the problem is that I feel as if I'm being replaced. My family has always been in shambles so when I met his family and they were all so loving and comforting towards me, they became my home. I feel like having her there in my spot for this special weekend that was always ours... just breaks my heart and the fact that he is unwilling to see how much it affects me, is even more dissappointing.

I agree the weekend trip is out of bounds.
He wouldn't even ask (I would think) about taking a male friend to a weekend festival.
Knowing that this is a trip that you typically enjoy together makes it a bit more hurtful.
Your husband seems to be emotionally cheating and breaking the bond established with your relationship.
Have you discussed counseling? This issue will surely endanger your marriage, as it already has. When you are married there are boundaries for opposite sex relationships.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lightsearcher

Iknow my husband is a good man. I don't suspect him of cheating. I guess the problem is that I feel as if I'm being replaced. My family has always been in shambles so when I met his family and they were all so loving and comforting towards me, they became my home. I feel like having her there in my spot for this special weekend that was always ours... just breaks my heart and the fact that he is unwilling to see how much it affects me, is even more dissappointing.

I don't imagine that his family would believe that this trip would be appropriate with his female friend. Can you enlist in the support of his family to help redefine the boundaries of what is acceptable with their relationship?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

When you are married there are boundaries for opposite sex relationships.

I could not agree more.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

I agree the weekend trip is out of bounds.
He wouldn't even ask (I would think) about taking a male friend to a weekend festival.
Knowing that this is a trip that you typically enjoy together makes it a bit more hurtful.
Your husband seems to be emotionally cheating and breaking the bond established with your relationship.
Have you discussed counseling? This issue will surely endanger your marriage, as it already has. When you are married there are boundaries for opposite sex relationships.

Hi there,

Thanks for your response. Actually he did want to take a male friend but he also says he feels there is no difference in his opinion that she is female. He says he just doesn't see her that way. I'm just confused over this. :confused:

Quote:

Originally Posted by lightsearcher

Hi there,

Thanks for your response. Actually he did want to take a male friend but he also says he feels there is no difference in his opinion that she is female. He says he just doesnt see her that way. I'm just confused over this. :confused:

Whether he sees a difference, there is a huge difference.
Others will also see that difference and it is a disrespect to you and your marriage that he would vacation with another female.
His opinion isn't really as truly relevant as yours about this matter.
You have tried being accepting, but there are still boundaries.

NO WAY, NO HOW, would I stand still for a weekend with a male friend for my wife. Did I say NO WAY!! Its not about trust, loyalty, none of that stuff. Its about me not liking it, and I get along great with all her male friends.

You don't get along with her though, and that's fine, but don't let him push you to the limit.

It's not whether he just sees this woman as a regular friend or not.

The point is you're uncomfortable with his friendship with her. That should be enough reason for him to tone down the friendship. It's like he doesn't even respect your feelings.

You really need to sit him down and lay out some ground rules, because this issue isn't going to go away and it's hurting your marriage. As his wife, I believe that you are perfectly entitled to say: "Enough is enough".

My best friend is a guy (I'm a woman). My husband likes and trusts my best friend--but there's no way in hades that he'd be okay with an overnight trip for me and my best friend without my husband along.

Your husband is NOT out of line having a female friend--and he's tried to make sure that you are included, it seems, so that sounds like it's up-and-up. However, he IS out of line in believing that his female friend should be as important to you as she is to him--and WAY out of line taking her places or doing things with her that should be done with your wife--family outings, vacations, romantic dniners, whatever.

Bottom line is this: you're hurt by the fact that he's "replacing" you with her for one of your favorite events. That's NORMAL. It's also not being controlling to say that you're NOT okay with it, and that if he chooses to do it when you're not okay with it, it's GOING to mean trouble for your marriage.

I, too, suggest couples counseling. There needs to be communication on what his limits with his female friend need to be, and it's hard to stay respectful with one another over something like this without a third-party mediator.

There are many things wrong with this whole relationship. He is doing things with her that He should be doing with you... no matter how many come along and tell you otherwise, there are inappropriate behaviors one can commit with the opposite sex no matter how platonic it may seem.

Married people just do not do all the things you listed your husband doing.

And just my opinion?? The Spidey senses are tingling off the Richter scale on this one. I'll say it ('cause I'm not very tactful) I think you are being duped this time around.

AND if you aren't, that one moment when they are together alone with a little alcohol in their system... something pushes that trigger and then you will be the one being duped. There is nothing new in the world... it's gone on like this for 1000s of years... It's not different this time around "Cause we're smarter"...

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

NO WAY, NO HOW, would I stand still for a weekend with a male friend for my wife. Did I say NO WAY! Its not about trust, loyalty, none of that stuff. Its about me not liking it, and I get along great with all her male friends.

You don't get along with her though, and that's fine, but don't let him push you to the limit.

I have a female best friend. We go out of town on vacation and do all sorts of stuff together. Her husband always was OK with it. They are divorced now and she has a new live-in who is like a domestic slave. We do just fine and do nothing to violate the significant others trust. She tells any guy she gets involved with that I come with the deal and I am committed to do the same. They all have agreed so far. Me and her are like family and no b/f or spouse is going to change that.