Hi I'm looking to find some advice on how to cope with my 13yr old daughter as she is not coping very well as her dad my husband passed away in July this yr it was very unexpected as he was only 48yr old and my daughter isn't showing me how she feels she will not speak to me or any other family member I'm worried about her as she does not seem to want to attend school and she has been unwell a few times and is eating for comfort now she is losing some hair I have spoke to my doctor about this and she did referr my daughter to get some help but now I have just had a letter to say they cannot accept my doctors refferal as my husband only died in July and they cannot deal with the greiving until it has been a 1yr I don't understand this and don't know where to turn next any one with any advice would be more than welcome caroline

Carol, I don't know why they turned away your daughter. To my way of thinking this would be a problem to address in a young person. Greiving can be a problem and go on for years and your daughter still needs help even though it has been a few months with complications arising from it.

I would suggest you take your letter to the doctor and have him read and possibly refer to another bereavement centre. Does the funeral home you dealt with have a bereavement counsellor ? You could consult with them if they do.

Tick

Carol, have you tried a teen support group? I have no idea why anyone would suggest a one year period before beginning therapy/counselling but a teen group where maybe your daughter could open up and share might be very helpful for her.

I am sorry for your loss - you are not only grieving, you have a grieving daughter to support.

Again - I am so sorry. Life is just not fair.

I know that you have said your daughter is reluctant to attend school, but could you speak with someone at the school - is there a counselor or welfare person that you can confide in and ask for assistance? What about her school friends, or family friends - can they assist to comfort her and support her?

It is still early days for both you and your daughter and she may still be in shock from your husband's unexpected death. You are probably aware of the 7 stages of grief (and they don't necessarily occur in this order), but I thought this summary that I found on the internet may help you to understand the feelings that you are both experiencing...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?"

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start on reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness.

I apologise if this is stuff that you already know, and sincerely hope that you are both able to work through this difficult time. My thoughts are with you.

It is always good to be aware of the seven stages of grief but I will also add that not everyone goes through all seven.