I am still in love with my first love who has now been married for 2 years to his wife.

He has admitted he still has strong feelings for me and has been open with his wife about it so they can discuss it and work through it.

He is 8 years older than me (Im 22 now) and was very keen to get married, which is why, I believe our relationship didn't last as I wasn't ready.

I have dated many since him but never been in love again, what we had was so intense and I really love him and miss his company so much.

But Im not an idiot I know he is married and I do not want to compromise that. I want to get back in regular contact with him as a friend, but can I do this seeing as I have such strong feelings. We have been emailing a little lately which his wife doesn't know about. I really think he made a mistake by marrying her

Am I asking for trouble? I just want him in my life again.

If he's emailing you behind his wife's back why should you trust him either?

Frankly, I don't think it's a good idea. It'll only cause problems for them and you. This is a closed chapter in your life so you've got to put it behind you and move on. You're still young and plenty of opportunities will come your way. This was by no means your last chance. Get involved in things and get busy. Work on your career, your education, your hobbies and your friends. It's not fair to him and his wife for you to continue trying to worm your way in where there's no place for you.

To tell you the truth I don't think that there is any chance of you being friends while he is married.
It would compromise his marriage further (as I already think it is compromised given the fact that he has admitted having feelings for you) and I think it would cause you a lot of pain.

I think you have to just realise that it is over and move on.

You are asking for trouble, not to mention an incredible amount of pain.

Also his wife won't be impressed I'm sure with you being in his life. Why would she? Especially since he has expressed his feelings for you to her.

You really need to move on. You and him are over. Dragging this on longer will not help anyone. You, him or his wife. It is best if you simply get out of his life and remove him from yours and begin to heal. Because it is obvious that you aren't over him yet and I dare say that is because you haven't given yourself a chance to get over him by being in contact with him since you broke up.

The beginning of your healing process begins with no contact and working on yourself. Worrying about you and your feelings. Time to do this!

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Originally Posted by GiveMeCoffee

But Im not an idiot I know he is married and I do not want to compromise that. I want to get back in regular contact with him as a friend, but can I do this seeing as I have such strong feelings. We have been emailing a little lately which his wife doesnt know about. I really think he made a mistake by marrying her

Am I asking for trouble? I just want him in my life again.

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YES you are definitley asking for trouble...
He shouldn't be emailing you, especially behind his wife's back.
Don't get involved.
You said yourself you have strong feelings for him, so deep down I'm sure you know it won't work, or be his bit on the side, do you seriously want that?
Put yourself in his poor wife's shoes, how would that make you feel?

At least you are wise enough to question this before you took it any further.

I don't have the honor of wielding a neon sign for you, but I can give you the wife's perspective and a touch of reality on what is going on.;)

She is either scared to leave her husband or wants to stick by him because she loves him THAT much and knows she can fully have his heart and love, and especially his fidelity.
Ask yourself if you'd stick around with a man like him if you were in her shoes. I am willing to bet there is a lot of doubt on her mind, especially when it comes to you. She could be having a hard time trusting either of you, but that is something she has to work on.

What you need to do is keep your distance from their relationship. It will not, cannot work if you are still in the picture knowing what they and you know, what with the feelings going around and such. Nothing will happen or change overnight, and if it does it will surely be something that doesn't last very long.

You are worried, so it shows that you do love and care for him. But is it a healthy love? Are you willing to let him go, fully? If you really do want to see him happy, then let him go, dear. Make room in your life especially, for yourself and that new special someone. A new relationship in the future for you can suffer greatly if you don't help to simmer down the current situation. Take care, and good luck.

Do you really think that you can be friends with someone you have strong feelings for? No way, especially since he has feelings for you. You both are selfish thinking you can continue contact and stay within boundries of his marriage so stop fooling yourself. He may have strong feelings but I doubt he leaves his wife for you so you will end up being his booty call on the side with strong feelings. Wake up before you wreck his home and yours by pursuing some one who is off limits. I truly don't think he cares enough for you since he sounds as though he's trying to bring you down by making you his secret love thang. What a waste of time. Cut all contact and tell him don't call or e-mail you and give yourself a chance to get over this would be cheater. Not easy but you MUST move on as he is MARRIED, whether you like it or not. I give you praise for asking about it before doing something foolish you will regret. Good Luck!

I'm curious,

How long have you been split up for?

And were you in contact with him at all during your split...

I've got a strong feeling you are walking on very dangerous territory here + you and him will probably have changed since you were in the relationship..

I think you should leave well alone and avoid getting hurt...

Thanks everyone for your comments.

Some of them were hard to take because they were true and I just didn't want to hear it.

Geoffersonairplane in answer to your question, we dated for 4 years, then he met his wife and now they've been married 2 years - I haven't seen him in this time at all - only spoken by email.

I never really thought about it from "the wifes" point of view. I would hate it if the situation were reversed.

I guess unless a time machine is built there is no chance for me to have him back.

Thanks for all comments, given me much to ponder.

P.S Anyone have a time machine?

There is no chance to have him back, because he has to make a choice that he doesn't want to make. He probably wants to have his cake and eat it too (I really hate that saying, but it fits). I've been in a situation similar. I fell in love with a guy, he fell in love with me. His ex came back from overseas, he dumps me and goes back to her. For about a year we had a fling behind her back, which was not good for anyone. I just didn't want to let him go. Now he's married to her and I haven't seen him since June. How do you trust a man like this?

Even with a time machine you would probably go back and but end up with the same result.

So don't dwell on the past. Look to the future as that is what you can control.

Here'sthe deal - IF your still thinking about/pinning away for an unavailable ex - it MEANS YOU have many unresoloved issues in your current life. Get your house in order and these feelings WILL go away.

He's married - the % s are VERY high he looking to use you. Cheat. If he cheats on her will lcheat on you. No trust here.

The only way you ever get together IS if he is divorced. Tell him you will talk again with him WHEN he is divorced - no sooner.

Your 22 - WAY too young to marry.

QUIT the contact - work o nyourself - you LIKE him now because there is a thrill of an unavailable man.

People want what the ycan't have!!

He has NO business in your life until he is divorced - tell him that. You will never hear from him again - I bet $1 million - he more than likely loves the attention.

Just an update that me and said married ex, have completely cut off contact with each other. He confessed to his wife that he had been emailing me and he and I decided NO contact at all is the best for everyone involved.

Thanks all for your comments. It is hard to get over someone who you care so deeply about, but it's that little bit easier if you stay away from them 100%.

Im doing great, thanks for your help!

Well done. I think this will be the best for everyone.

You will feel much better in time. Work on yourself now!

Well done and keep it up, we are always here if u need a chat :)

Big and happy wishes for you and awesome that you did it.

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Originally Posted by GiveMeCoffee

P.S Anyone have a time machine?

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Hi GiveMeCoffee!

I was in a situation similar to yours now! My daughter and I lived with a man for 3 years. He left me for another woman. A year later, he contacts me and wanted to "hook-up". Normally, I am a very secretive person but luckily I had a great friend to turn to. I confided in her about it and she steered me in the right direction. I was going to give in to his "request" because I didn't think of anything but just being with him one more time to possibly change his mind.

I think we'd all like a time machine to go back and do or handle things differently but... there is no time machine. We need to learn from our past relationships.

My thought is... "he cheated on me therefore, how could I ever trust him again and now he wanted to cheat on his girlfriend (which is now his wife). I knew that I deserved better than that and I know you do too! I was truly, madly and deeply in love with this man. Never felt that way in my life but... I know I will one day with someone and so will you!

Let go of your past relationship with this man. Leave him alone as he sounds as though he is no good!

P.S. I am working on a time machine... I'll let you know when I have it done!!! Lol...

P.S.S. I just started reading a book called "Love Smart" by Phil McGraw (Dr. Phil). A friend of mine read it and has a whole new outlook on relationships. I suggest you read it!

Good Luck!

If its any consolation, I have something of a list of people who I love that I am never seeing again, if I have a choice in the matter. And should we meet again, I am not open to "more" from them too. Some situations can only yield the results that someone will get hurt and it takes a mature person to see the big picture like that. I applaud you, Coffee, for the wisdom and discipline you exhibited to do the right thing here. One of the most head-turning lessons I have learned over time (sometimes painfully so) is that true love does not require that you compete with others for it or hurt someone to get it.

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Originally Posted by GiveMeCoffee

Just an update that me and said married ex, have completely cut off contact with each other. He confessed to his wife that he had been emailing me and he and I decided NO contact at all is the best for everyone involved.

Thanks all for your comments. It is hard to get over someone who you care so deeply about, but its that little bit easier if you stay away from them 100%.

Im doing great, thanks for your help!!

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No surprised - this could have gotten ugly - you could have been two years down the rode as his mistress. Nothing would have changed. He isn't leaving his wife!

Take a few years to give you some space. Your feelings will either be validated or you will find that he is indeed just a friend. If you still feel so strongly about him in a few and he is happily married be the good one and step aside it is just not meant to be.