Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend wants to be single, no strings attached

hello everyone,
my girlfriend and I have been going out for 2.5 years. We started when she was 15 and I was 17 and now I'm a junior in college and she just started her freshman year. We go about a hour n a half drive apart from each other. Weeks before I left for college she kept on teling me how she couldn't wait to be together in college and sleep in the same bed together and not worry about curfues and everything. When she goes to college she acts normal, she goes out and parties for the first time on her first weekend, talks normally and acts normally towards me. The second weekend on a Friday we tal kbefor she goes out, perfectly fine, then we talk while she's out and she has drunkin hard liquor for the first time ever. She's really wasted but she loves me and tells me she wishes I was there right now to be with her and she misses me a lot. She calls again before she goes to bed and tells me she threw up and is going to bed and she loves me, all normal stuff for our relationship. Saturday afternoon we talk again and says she doesn't know if she loves me anymore and is curious about what it would be like to have a different kind of boyfriend. I'm stunned, it was like a light switch went off or something. She doesn't break it off then but says she needs time to figure everything out. I call her every night for 3 nights after that and it always ends in her crying and telling me she is confused. After that I try to contact her once at night for the next few days and no answer. She goes out the next weekend and breaks all contact with me. Finally I stop trying for 5 days during the next weekend to give her time to figure everything out. But when I try to make contact again the roommate tells me she ignored my call the night before.(she thinks the way my girlfriend is treating me is horrible). I finally block my number and call her the next day and she answers and tells me she is about to go out and can't talk but she will call me back later no emotion when she talks to me, like a zombie. She never calls. I call the next day zombie responses again, one word answers and I finally say to her I'm trying to have a civilized conversation with her and not tal kabout anything that happened but she's making it difficult and bringing this on herself. A few more days go by and we talk and she says she figured everything out and wants to be single, not a break. She says a break means she's obligated to be with me after and she wants no strings attached, she just wants to be single. I'm once again floored. How could this be happening? The first week she was fine even when she went out and now it's a complete turn. The roommate said all she cares about is meeting guys but she is not the type of girl to randomly hook up with anyone and won't cheat, I know that. I try to tell her that she has treated me horribly and if she is looking for my replacement out there that she won't find someone that would put up with everything she has put me through and still want to be with the person they love. She says its not about another guy and she hasn't met anyone that she would consider boyfriend material. I believe her, I asked her this many times over the course of a week and always very firmly states the same answer.
my question is now, is this a phase? If so how long will it last? Should I just ride it out? Currently I'm only calling her every other day to tal kfor 5 minutes just to say hello. The other day I sent her a text saying I gave a tour for my school to this kid from our home town and she responded with emotion for the first time since this happened. I tried to continue the conversation for as long as I could so I can at least talk to her and I got 4 texts from her in the end. The last one I sent was saying if I could help her study for her tests (thats what she said she was doing at the moment) let me know cause I'm pretty good at chemistry but no response after that. Also she responded to my first text 7 hours after I sent it, her phone is a little weird like that but I don't know if it messed up or if she just read it then or something and didn't respond after I offered to help her. Also when we talked that she wanted to be single I braught up the idea of I would like to try ot be friends with her at least and she said we could try but I would have to get over her first. Honeslty I would love to get back together with her in the future but I don't know if that's possible. Right now I'm trying to call her once every other day just to say hellpo and give her her space she wants right now. After the texts though I have hope cause she showed emotion towards me for the first time in a long time, she hasn't told me she loves me since it happened though. She's also coming over for columbus day weekend to pretty much end it with us(she is not the type of person to do it over the phone) so that's the only thing that has saved me this long. That weekend is in 2 weeks and I'm hoping her emotions will continue to grow for me and when we see each other she won't be able to do it. I also asked her to consider spending 24 hours with me instead of just running and saying were done to leave to her friends place down the street. She said she didn't know if she could handle that right now but I only want that to have some closure and to experience being together in college cause we have been waiting for that moment for 2.5 years and I know she wants to too but she's pushing me away. I know she has love for me still but she's holding it back. She's always has been curious what it would be like with other kinds of boyfriends (she never says guys always boyfriends). She also told me she was going to take down her relationship status on Facebook and she did that and got rid of all her favorite quotes I said , she also took away the picture of us in her picture frame over her computer in her dorm. Its like she's pushing me away and trying to erase every trace of me.

I have spoken to my roomates about the situation, none of which has ever met her but one did almost the same thing for the same reasons to his girlfriend freshman year and said it took about a year for him to be in a relationship again, not with his ex and talks to his ex almost every week as friends now. Another person did the same thing to his girlfriend so he could see what's out there and eventually wanted to get back together after 5 months and now they have been going out for almost 3 years. Everyone I have talked to at home that knows both of us and has seen how we act together (we have never fought, not in 2.5 years of going out) say its all a phase and to ride it out and I will be fine.

I'm just hoping either she won't be able to do it when we see each other and it will be a magical weekend or to not tal kto her at all until christmas break and then see if she would want to go to a movie or something which was our usual date and see what happens. Were also big christmas people so I figured between being home, christmas and movies(were big movie people too) that might tip the scales in my favor by the end of the break.

what do you think is happening and what should I do and what should I expect? Sorry I know that's all jumbled up but my mind has been going full speed for 2 weeks now. Any advice would be appreciated.

we haven't seen each other in 3 weeks so that might be part of it

also when this started her wall posts where very I LOVE YOU I miss you type things but now there back to normal but the roommate said her attidude hasn't changed about anything

May be a phase. But are you willing to put your life on hold for however long it might take? Even when the chances aren't in your favor? I hope it's a no.

The more you talk to her the worse you'll feel, the harder the healing will be, and the less she'll respect you.

I understand you love this person. But understand that only she can speak for her, and only you can speak for you. You may say she has love for you, but never assume she feels the same as you. Even if you're enjoying every minute of it, she may not be into it near as much.

No contact. Don't think about her. Treat it as a break up and move on

When we talked last she said she still has feelings for me but she's not sure what they mean anymore

Don't give in to the false hope. Take a step back from all of this, no contact. No phone calls, no texts. Not even to say hi. No IM'ing. Not even to ask what she is up to. Read a lot of the stickies on NC because this is what you need to do.

If you follow through with NC and truly aim for getting over her, you will see things very differently. Such as what some of the people who read this are going to see:

She may say she has feelings, but she still broke up with you.

If she was in to the relationship as much as you were, she wouldn't be carelessly drinking putting things at risk.

If she loved and respected the relationship, she wouldn't have broken up.

It's a very difficult thing to go through. Everything seeming perfect, then all of a sudden things change. She changes. It's what people do. I'm going through something myself. We were both working on healing our relationship. She goes on a trip to Virginia, comes back, ends it with me, turns bi, and is totally fine with me out of her life. Relationship ended after a year and a half. Not a very long time, but I brought her out of a dark time in her life. I saved her from being suicidal. Nonetheless, it's been a month since then and I still feel the pain. I don't wish to be with her any more, and going no contact has done wonders. It will do the same for you. If you do it correctly

She hasn't broken up yet, when columbus day weekend comes around I believe she plans to do it then so basically I have 2 weeks to see how it plays out. I asked her to give me 24 hours to make sure its 100% what she wants and she promised to think about it but said she didn't know if she could handle it. If she isn't sure she can handle it doesn't it mean she might not be able to go through with it? I would hope after putting me through hell and back for 2 weeks already she would at least grant me 24 hours to be with her one last time. Also when she told me she wanted to be single she said I had every right to hate her but I told her I still love her so I think she finally realized the full extent of what she has done and put both of us through, that's why I still have hope.

Is it still false hope or does that change things? Is there a chance of getting back together with her if it does end? Will things change in 2 weeks? Last night with the texts it seemed like a start which is another reason why I have hope its just a phase and the shock of being able to party and drink and meet new people all at once and not having me there. Will it change when we see each other? We have never EVER fought in our relationship, always finished eachothers sentences and always enjoyed spending time with each other even though it was always twice a week at most. I feel once she sees what its like to be with each other again and if were still able to hit it off she might change her mind about everything. Is this correct or is that not possible at all?

No one really knows, but if she does come back, how long until a situation like this happens again? Especially since she'll know you'll take her back.

That's what you need to see

That's why I was thinking about the whole let her go and try to start it up again christmas break with minimal contact (as in happy thanksgiving I bet I can eat more then you or soemthing, just to start a conversation again) from like October to christmas which I think would be the optimum time, we both get to feel what its like to be single again and see if we still get along like we always did before this.

See I think this girl is just realizing what life is outside in the world. She wants to experience things that you can't experience when you are in a relationship. She wants freedom.

Even if you do contact her during the Christmas break, she would have been having fun, enjoying life and doing all that "single life" stuff. I don't know if she would want to come back to being with you right away.

Then again, I don't know if you'd want to be with her either. If the single stuff she does includes getting with other guys and stuff, is this really the girl you want to be with? What if you guys do get back together and as mentioned before, she feels like this again and wants to experience the single life outside of college, in the work force? Will you let her go again?

I don't know if this girl is really cut out for a relationship with you, or with anyone right now. She seems more in it for the fun and the experience, so since she has been in a relationship for a while, its time for her to try something new...

If you are looking for someone who is serious about you and who wants to be with you, without thinking "What am I missing out on if I wasn't with this guy", then this is not the girl for you and you should let her go. Just my opinion.

Honestly,
It doesn't looks like it, but your ex-gf is doing you a huge favor. She isn't giving you false hope at ALL, you are the one inventing your own false hope. I understand your pain ( I had a breakup after 3 years ), I really do, but my ex played with me for a very long time and hurt me much more than if it was a clean break up.

It is over and she has told you that several times. You need to move on and the more you are giving you false hope, the more you are going to hurt yourself. We've all been down this path of false hope, and we all have been hurt later on. We've passed through the pain so that we can teach other not to do the same mistakes.

Leave her be, you will find someone better, someone much nicer, and you just started college, there IS plenty of fish in the sea. Start NC asap and start healing.

She has always said she wished we met when she was older. It always bothered her that we have only been with each other and no one else. Whenever I braught up the subject though she would always assure me her curiousity wouldn't get the best of her and I should stop worring and trust her that she wouldn't do that to me. That first statement leaves me to believe that she has realized we get along good with each other and there might be hope to get back together if we do break up. But I wounder if we do end up spending the 24 hours together after not seeing each other since I left for college (I left a week before she did) if that would be enough to have her have the feelings for me that she did up to 2 weeks ago. I know if she does stay with me for the day we will hit it off again cause that's just the kind of people we are. It seems like she has opened up a little to me recently too with the texts and emotions which she has not expressed up until yesterday with me. She talked completely normal for a while but I am trying to give her space in the hope that she will miss me enough in the 2 weeks and want me over being free once again. Honestly at this point I juust want a second chance with her or at least 24 hours, to end what we had on a good note and experience what its like to be with each other in college, I know for a fact she wants that experience still and I do too, only she is afraid that she won't be able to break it off if she gives in to that temptation. Sorry I know I am being stubborn but I feel like there are things I left out in the original post that at least for me give me reasons to be hopeful and saying them as responses to everyone's posts will help me understand if I am correct or incorrect about my thoughts. Everyone's responses are greatlly appreciated! It gives me more peoples opinions, Thanks again!

I'm wondering who you are trying to convince, us or yourself? Look, do you realize all this is false hope? I was probably more stubborn than you when my ex broke up with me.

In the end of the day, there isn't a lot of people who come back to their ex, and if they do, they eventually grow up. You are in a very hard position right now, you are thinking with your heart and you are still in shock.

Look, if she does want to go back to you she will. You won't make her miss you and you can't trick her into wanting you again. By starting NC you will give us a real feeling of what it is to be without you and it will make you heal. You need to start NC as if you're moving on without hoping on her that she comes back. If she wants to come back, she will, until then start going out, do some sport, hang out with friends... take care of yourself and heal. Be selfish, do the things YOU want to do.

Quote:

sorry i know i am being stubborn but i feel like there are things i left out in the original post that at least for me give me reasons to be hopeful and saying them as responses to everyones posts will help me understand if i am correct or incorrect about my thoughts. everyones responses are greatlly appreciated! it gives me more peoples opinions, Thanks again!!

Sometimes we do all the correct things,say the right words,yet,we lose the people we love.This leads one to believe in the clichéd but very apt saying of "It wasnt meant to happen".And sometimes,we do all the wrong things,act like fools and meet the wrong people but somehow,things click and it feels like it was just meant to happen, and turns out to be the best relationship in our lives.

This relationship thing is never simple and one of the several golden rules that make a good relationship is "It takes two to make a relationship work".If either one of the partners lets go,or just isn't there anymore,what's the point in holding on to their images and thoughts?

Just leave her Coolguy and don't make it any harder for yourself.The more you are in denial,the more pain you are inflicting on yourself and delaying the process of healing.You need to start putting YOU before everything now.

Were going to see each other in 2 weeks though so if I just let go now wouldn't it be harder when we see each other on both of us? Neither one of use wants to break up over the phone, we both agree things like that should be done in person. If I just let go now won't it make letting go when she comes over that much more difficult after seeing each other for the first time with no contact for the 2 weeks remanining?

You're just inventing excuse, you are going to meet in 2 weeks to "break up" officially? What does that even mean? You're setting yourself in a world of emotional roller coaster. Start NC now, don't see her in 2 weeks, you need to make rational decision about this and you are not thinking clearly. You need time alone from HER, not time with her.

Don't see her in 2 weeks, accept the breakup, it is only you giving yourself false hope and giving you more pain. If you let go and take care of yourself you will see things much more clearly.

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Originally Posted by thatcoolguy

were going to see eachother in 2 weeks though so if i just let go now wouldnt it be harder when we see eachother on both of us? neither one of use wants to break up over the phone, we both agree things like that should be done in person. if i just let go now wont it make letting go when she comes over that much more difficult after seeing eachother for the first time with no contact for the 2 weeks remanining?

If it was me I would just be done with it. Why prolong the drama and the pain of the inevitable? This just needs to end, regardless of the form of media that takes place ending it.

Time is wasting, and you both are the ones wasting it. STOP!

Thatcoolguy,
Of course she has feeling for you. But listen. You met her when she was 15. Realistically, do you believe she will be only with you for the rest of her life? Do you want to be with her for the rest of life honestly until you die? You may say yes, but you will change your mind as well as time goes by. Trust me.

It is learning process, and WE ALL need it to grow up sadly. While we are keep growing, we need to shift our priority constantly based on our phase inevitably. Do not take it as personal. Let her go, suck up your sorrow, and move on. I am telling you, you should do the same thing as she does. Meet up other people, learn about who you are, develop yourself nicely, and focus on broadening your horizon. You need to develop yourself more rounded and more interesting person.

If you guys are really meant to be, she will come back sometime not near future, but after for a while. Imagine. You guys will meet on the street years later, she found you grow up so fascinating and could not resist. Does it sound better? Until then, you can keep in touch on and off, but do not put your heart there. If you put your heart, it will only hurt you, and useless. Try to think she is your male buddy as she wish. I hope you are doing well.

I don't think its realistic that you think she will change her mind about being free to experience life without you. She isn't the kid she was when you got together. She is growing and changing as are you.

Right now your in shock over the break up (yes that's what it is buddy, sorry). But if you leave her alone the emotional dust will settle, and you will grieve over the death of the relationship, and start seeing reality, and not false hope. Then you can do what it takes to move on with your own life, and let her explore without you.

Its hard, very hard, one of the hardest things you'll ever do, besides losing a loved on to death, but it's a fact of life we have to learn to accept, and deal with our own feelings.

Give yourself some time to let the shock wear off. That's what you need now. Sorry, its best done without her.

So I just talked to her now, had a real conversation, exactly like what we had before only without the I love you's. We laughed at eachothers jokes and were respectful to each other. I asked her about when she comes over and she said she would spend some time with me but she wasn't sure if she could do the 24 hours. What does all this mean? Am I in the permadent friend zone now or is there a chance if I keep this up (talking once or twice a week) that we would get that spark back sometime in the future?

Nope none at all, listen to what we say and go NC on her. She most definitely made up her mind and you need to leave her alone. As long as you keep this up, you are going to hurt yourself.

Well I figured keep up once or twice a week until that weekend then nc for a few weeks then try to converse with her normally and hope that the spark might ignite again, that's how it started last time at least, then take it one step at a time eventually working up to seeing each other christmas break for a movie or something and keeping that going until its time to go back and see if the time is right. I figured at home, away from college, around all of our friends and in the home environment and with the christmas mood and all she might start to think about all the times we had together last christmas and how we get along now. She would have had her fill of being single and she would by then know what its like and I would still be there in communication with her getting along just fine. Does that sound unreasonable?