I have been married for five years now. We have got 2 kids. My husband cheated on me while I was pregnant with a very good friend of mine. He was still cheating on me while we got married with the same girl and asked me to keep our marriage secret. I later found out, he left the girl, I forgave him and we decided to work things out. It was good for a while and then after about 2 years he cheated on me again. I still forgave him, but since then things have been rough. We started having sexual problems and I can't just bring myself to have sex with him. It has been going on for about 3 years now and it made him to start being aggressive. He has beaten me up four times since then, the last being 3 weeks ago and has also cheated on me again in the course of it all. Generally, he is a real nice person and I guess he is just sort of frustrated with the whole sexual problems. I have decided this time around to leave him, but most of my friends and family are saying I am making a mistake and that we could still work things out (mainly because of the kids). But honestly speaking I do not think so because I am pretty sure I stopped loving him and I can't really find it in me to forgive him again for his latest transgression. I am feeling so frustrated right now mainly because of the children and if it is the right thing to do. I know they are going to suffer the most but I have really been unhappy for a very long time and I just need out. Please help me. I think sometimes it is good to listen to neutral people and get what they think.

Let me see;he cheats,he violates you,he is abusive but he is a"nice person'???get him out of your life,pronto!It will not get better.Ask your family to help you or friends.Call a domestic abuse hotline!This sort of always gets worse.Do some research about it yourself!Type"domestic abuse"into Google and read what comes up.

After just reading your first sentence, I come to the conclusion that your husband doesn't respect you, he cheated on you with your friend... whilst you were pregnant.. :mad:

Get out, start afresh. That's my advice.
But you should listen to your head and your heart... you know you deserve better.

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Originally Posted by lolitta

I have been married for five years now. we have got 2 kids. My husband cheated on me while i was pregnant with a very good friend of mine. he was still cheating on me while we got married with the same girl and asked me to keep our marriage secret. I later found out, he left the girl, i forgave him and we decided to work things out. It was good for a while and then after about 2 years he cheated on me again. I still forgave him, but since then things have been rough. we started having sexual problems and i can't just bring myself to have sex with him. It has been going on for about 3 years now and it made him to start being aggressive. He has beaten me up four times since then, the last being 3 weeks ago and has also cheated on me again in the course of it all. Generally, he is a real nice person and i guess he is just sort of frustrated with the whole sexual problems. I have decided this time around to leave him, but most of my friends and family are saying i am making a mistake and that we could still work things out (mainly because of the kids). But honestly speaking i do not think so because i am pretty sure i stopped loving him and i can't really find it in me to forgive him again for his latest transgression. I am feeling so frustrated right now mainly because of the children and if it is the right thing to do. I know they are going to suffer the most but i have really been unhappy for a very long time and i just need out. Please help me. I think sometimes it is good to listen to neutral people and get what they think.

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In my opinion this man is a slug!! He cheated on you while you were pregnant, he was cheating on you when you got married, he asked you to keep your marriage a secret?:eek: What the h3ll was that about?

He beats you and you think he is generally a nice person? I repeat, he is a slug.

You need to leave this slug. Take the children and go. Do not stay for the sake of the children because they will grow up thinking that this is the way relationships work. The boys, if you have any, will grow up to cheat, lie and beat up their women. The girls, if you have any, will grow up and think it is okay for their men to cheat on them and beat them up.

You and your husband are the role models of these children. Children learn by how they are raised.

Get a restraining order so that he cannot touch you again, put his things out, and change the locks. Then run, do not walk, to an attorney.

Some say it gets worse before it gets better... but this doesn't sound like its going to have a happy ending if you stay... you're hurting yourself... if you are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired then you will move on... no one can tell you how to feel or what you should do... only when you are so sick and tired of being sick and tired and you feel like its cutting off your air passage and it has risen up into your throat is when you're going to do something about it and you will not even think to ask for any opinions... only speaking from experience... people will always tell you what they think but if you are not ready you are not going to leave... just think of yourself and the kids... please do what's best for you guys and please don't let them see you getting done wrong believe me it lasts with them and I can pretty much garuantee you one of them will follow that path if you don't get them away from it... they do not need to think that what is happening is correct

I can only suggest leaving. Unless the two of you are willing to go into intense counselling, I don't see any hope for you two. He has beat you up and there is no excuse for that. He has cheated and you have forgiven him, yet he continues to cheat. You are not happy, staying for the kids is not worth it.

Your kids will suffer far more if you stay than if you leave. Do not listen to your family and friends, they do not have to live with him. Your kids will be grateful in the end if you leave him. Do this for them, do this for YOU!

BTW... asking you to keep your marriage a secret is disgusting.

"Honey, dont tell so-and-so that we got married... I dont want her to find out so I can continue cheating on you with her."

I can't fathom something like that actually going through someone's head!?

Anyway, for that and ALL the other reasons you posted, Im with EVERYONE else... leave this lowlife piece of sh*t now!

He's beaten you up four times and your family and friends say you're making a mistake? RUN from this monster NOW and don't look back. Pack your things and go ; to a friend's house, to a relative's house, just anywhere he won't find you if he goes looking. Don't wast another second ; go now!

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Originally Posted by J_9

In my opinion this man is a slug!!! He cheated on you while you were pregnant, he was cheating on you when you got married, he asked you to keep your marriage a secret?:eek: What the h3ll was that about?

He beats you and you think he is generally a nice person? I repeat, he is a slug.

You need to leave this slug. Take the children and go. Do not stay for the sake of the children because they will grow up thinking that this is the way relationships work. The boys, if you have any, will grow up to cheat, lie and beat up their women. The girls, if you have any, will grow up and think it is okay for their men to cheat on them and beat them up.

You and your husband are the role models of these children. Children learn by how they are raised.

Get a restraining order so that he cannot touch you again, put his things out, and change the locks. Then run, do not walk, to an attorney.

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Couldn't spread it J but this advice is even better than what I just said. DO you live in a state where a domestic violence complaint mandates an automatic arrest? If so, have him locked up, then while he's in the slam, don't bail him out but do as J says ; put his things out on the curb and change the locks.

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Originally Posted by lolitta

I have been married for five years now. we have got 2 kids. My husband cheated on me while i was pregnant with a very good friend of mine. he was still cheating on me while we got married with the same girl and asked me to keep our marriage secret. I later found out, he left the girl, i forgave him and we decided to work things out. It was good for a while and then after about 2 years he cheated on me again. I still forgave him, but since then things have been rough. we started having sexual problems and i can't just bring myself to have sex with him. It has been going on for about 3 years now and it made him to start being aggressive. He has beaten me up four times since then, the last being 3 weeks ago and has also cheated on me again in the course of it all. Generally, he is a real nice person and i guess he is just sort of frustrated with the whole sexual problems. I have decided this time around to leave him, but most of my friends and family are saying i am making a mistake and that we could still work things out (mainly because of the kids). But honestly speaking i do not think so because i am pretty sure i stopped loving him and i can't really find it in me to forgive him again for his latest transgression. I am feeling so frustrated right now mainly because of the children and if it is the right thing to do. I know they are going to suffer the most but i have really been unhappy for a very long time and i just need out. Please help me. I think sometimes it is good to listen to neutral people and get what they think.

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Sometimes it is better to move on. You don't need to feel quilty for leaving because you gave him a second chance and that took a lot of guts, and he betrayed you again. There is someone out there who deserves your love and you have a lot to offer.

This so called "man" that you are married to has no respect for women period! He has mentally and physically abused you! I have never been in a situation where a man physically or emotionally abused me so it is hard for me to comprehend why anyone would stay in a situation like this. Now that you may be starting to get back some self-esteem you are thinking logically! That is great. This man sounds like a real (as J_9 says) SLUG!! I'd like to call him worse but I better not.

I don't know why your friends and family think you should give it another shot. You have given this man sooooo many chances and he keeps screwing up. He knows that you just keep taking him back. I agree with the fact that couples (especially with children) divorce too easy. They don't think of the children but... it is not healthy for them to see their father mentally and physically abusing their mother. They will grow up to think it is acceptable. As a mother, you need to let them know that it's not okay! Take action and do it soooooon!!

I agree with everyone who has posted here so... Get out now and if need be call the cops. This will get worse and you and your children are in danger. He should be in jail now.

Leave him the environment he's making is bad for you and most likely worse for your children they may suffer not seeing a dad but at least the won't suffer losing a mom which in term would mean losing both parents.

I agree with your friends that you should think about your childrends situation, if you can stay then stay, broken family can cause a descrimination with your kids. Just think about this your husband is the guitar he plays it every time all you have to do is to dance to the tune" Anyway on the other hand if you can support your kids and you are stable enough to do it then leave him alone! you got 2 choices then...................
Just an advice " Pray for your husband"!

Yeah you deffinately should not have to put up with any man abusing you in any way and even though your children are young and have no clue what is going on other than mommy and daddy are not together but once they get older they will understand my mother has put up with my father sexually, mentally, physically , and emotionally abusing her for about twenty years and finally she said enough and she left him and if you are unhappy you shouldn't be there PERIOD!

Hey guys, thank so much for the advice. It has helped a lot and I am sure you re all right in everything. I already talked to him about the separation, he is all right with that but he doesn't want me to take the children. You see he is German and I am African and he has so much advantage if we have to go to the courts to claim the children. He claims I don't have evidence that he actually beat me up, I am not working and I will have no means of taking care of the kids. Right now I am so confused, I don't want to leave my kids. I saw a lawyer and she also told me if I don't have no proof of domestic abuse, then my chances are slim. All I have are friends whom I told each time he did it, and once a friend of his was around but I am not sure he would testify in my favor. I already asked him and he said he doesn't wants to get involved. I am really at the end of it all.

Doesn't he have to pay child support or some sort of maintanence for the kids? Does he move out or do you have to go?

Oh how I really feel for you... you are correct about his advantage. But don't let that get you down... if there is one thing I can tell you my sista is to keep your head up and know that it will work out.. if you have to get you some kind of employment to show you can take care of you and the kids... the next time he tries to argue what ever try to get it on tape.. take pictures.. or betta yet call the police the next time that way you will have a police report... steer clear of him... if you have to walk on eggshells then do so just long enough for you to do what's needed. Believe me I've been through every type of abuse imaginable by the hands of my children's father... there is someone out there for you... but right now.. focus on you and your kids and please do not leave your kids... there's too much help out here he just can't get away with it like they use too... start speaking up and telling anyone who will listen if need be... I will definitely keep you in my prayers... YOU CAN DO THIS!!

Thanks again. Well since I am the one who wants the separation, then I have to be the one to move out, that is only if he wilfully accepts to move- which he has refused of course. He can also only pay child support if the kids move with me.

He only wants to control you by threatening to take the kids.Contact a women's abuse hotline in your area.They will help you and advise you on your next steps to take.