Ask Me Help Desk - Is is marijuana or my boyfriend's low libido that is killing our relationship?

I didn't know whether to post this in sexuality or relationships because it pertains to both.

I hit rock bottom 5 days ago. I think I know what is wrong in our relationship but let me explain. I would relly like to know other peoples opinions and also if there is any hope or anything I can do to change things for the better? Let me explain... Please bear with my story... sorry it is long...

I have been with my boyfriend for over 9 months now. I am in love with him, and I love him with all my heart. I never thought that I could meet somebody that I connect with so well or am so incredibly attracted to. We have a very intellectual relationship andwe talk lots, which I love. He also says that he loves meandhas never met someone likeme and thought he never would. Hesays he has never spent so much time or wanted to spend so much time with a woman before. But we have problems :( :confused:

We are quite different in some minor ways... I am in my mid twenties and he is 31. I am a highly educated professional but he has no tertiary education (he is very intelligent however and reads lots of books). Our main difference is a major one however. He likes marijuana,and I hate it... for many reasons (health, ethical, psychologic, occpational and legal implications, effects on our relationship). It is the one thing that I feel is infiltrating our relationship and slowly destroying it.

So our two problems are becoming bigger...

1) Marijuana: My BF is stoned almost every day/night and smokes really strong skunk. I can't be around him when he smokes it because I get stoned and then I get a panicky reaction. Also I don't feel comfortable with it for th erasons above.It really really upsets meand many times I have explained my feeling to him without being accusatory. Many times I have cried about it, sometimes in front of himbut he has donelittle to change, except to hide it from me. I feel disconnected from him when he is stoned and although he is cuddly I feel like he does not care about me when he is stoned. I worry about all the possible bad effects of MJ for him (his health, driving, legal, occupational). In fact I am worried and sad about his use most of the time. I feel desperate because I have tried talking and I feel like I don't knowwhat to do anymore. I want to have kids with him but I can't trust or depend on him if he continues to smoke. I feel like everything is great in our relationship except for this one thing. It would stop me from marrying him. I have told him this. He is wonderful when he is not stoned. When we talk about things, he says that there is nothing to worry about and that it should be legal and that he doesn't want to give up because it is something he loves. He tries to cut down every time I get really upset for a week or two but gradually the smoking returns. He says he doesn't want his kids around MJ but ow can I be sure of this? I have been to a support group for people close to drug abusers and have been open with him. Now I find myself thinking about it all the time. I get really tearful when I smellit in the houseoron his fingers or hair. I feel like he is blind to my feelings. Is this a dead loss? Or is their hope? Did anyoneelseexperience something similar? Any smokers?

2) Our poor sexlife. Gradually our sex life has become pretty terrible.It was great at first and we had it almost every day, but know we are lucky if we have bad sex once a week. He often shows no reaction to my advances or requests. He barely tries to please me, and hardly goes down on me. He doesn't listen to what I say I like and once he has , it is all over. I am left feeling sad and empty and dissatisfied. I initiate sex 99% of the time.The whole time I feel that the problem is that he can't be bothered so we have bad sex,I don't get pleasure and it is a viscious cycle. I am an attractive, thin blond woman with an athletic body and I have never had this trouble before. I always have anexcess of male suitors. I have always felt confident before but now I have never felt so low in self esteem.I feel ugly and unwanted and unattractive and unsexy and like there must be something wrong with me.
A few days ago we talked about this and wewere both very open about our feelings. HE said that he used to have very high sex drive(I know he has had lots of sexual partners before and thst he used to look at lots of porn; is this a problem?) but now he thonkshisbody has changedand hedoesnt feellike sexanymore. He hardly has sexual thoughts or gets turned on. He his happy enough tohave sex once I start the process but that he is unlikely to initiate it. He says I am beautiful and that he loves me and it is his problem not mine. He says he his sad that he doesn't give me many orgasms but he never listens or does what I say). He says that most of the timehejust can't be bothered with sex because it is so much effort. He says that we have bad sex and so this just meansheislessinterested next time.He says he hates using condoms but I can't use the pille and would rather be safe. These words have hurt me so much... The few peopleI have had sex with before said it was good. I know he likes women with big breasts. I am petite but I have a DD fitting but still I feel inadequate. I keep wondering what is wrong with me and why doesn't he find me attractive. I am worried weed is the problem but he says that it is not because it makes him more aroused. I don't believe it. NowI am scared to show him affection because I can't cope with the rejection.I feellike an untapped/wasted resource.

WHAT CAN I DO?? I AM AT A COMPLETE LOSS AND I FEEL DESPERATE? IS IT MARIJUANA OR HIS AGE OR SOMETHING ELSE? IS THIS RELATIONSHIP DOOMEDTO FAIL OR IS THERE SOMETHING MORE I/WE CAN DO? WHAT CAN I EXPECT FROM A RELATIONSHIP? (I FEEL LIKE I HAVE LOST ALL SENSE OF PERSPECTIVE)

Thank you for reading... I really appreciate it

I understand how you feel. He is addicted to MJ and he will not be giving it up easily. If he really cared, he would at least consider it. It is likely that MJ has affected his drive, and he doesn't want to admit that.
You have spoken to him about this, and maybe it's time to cut your losses, and move on. I wonder, if he is willing to stop the drug for a while, or get into a rehab?

Getting Stoned does decrease testosterone.. and thus kill a male libido.

Now if he starts argueing otherwise.. thats another sure sign he he is addicted to it.

Drugs are for losers who can't deal with life on its terms.

Can't stress enough for you to get away from this man. Drugs do nothing but hinder your success in life and help you to escape your problems.

He could very well be stuck in a vicious cycle himself. Can't get/keep it up long enough to pleasure his beautiful blond athletic girlfriend? What's a better way to escape that sad story then to get stoned?

If you can't stand that he smokes, then get away from him. Mind me asking how old are you? Considering he's a smoker I'm assuming he has a close group of stoner buddy's? And maybe the whole conversation about marriage and kids is scaring him off?

There's a lot to consider here. And the Marijuana is doing nothing but fogging up his mind and sucking you into the deep dirty bong water known as surreal life. Hope you're a good swimmer.

Best of luck

Look, I think that you need to be really realistic about this. He loves the marijuana more than he loves you.

The problems you describe are serious. You say that the relationship is terrific apart from this one thing. Sadly, this one thing is a huge deal breaker.

Marijuana kills the libido and it also kills motivation, enthusiasm and energy. He's an addict if he smokes as much as you describe, and clearly you are not important enough for him to give up marijuana. It's not the marijuana that's destroying your relationship, it's his ADDICTION and his inability to deal with it.

Your BF has multiple issues and he's projecting them on to you. You didn't begin on a level playing field - you're better educated, younger, athletic. Now after only 9 months you're the one feeling like a loser, questioning yourself and lacking confidence.

Cut your losses and run. You already know that the relationship is physically and emotionally unhealthy for you. Sadly, this guy is sucking you into the morass of his addiction. How bad do you want it to get?

I might also point out that at whatever age someone starts smoking Marijuana and makes it a heavy habit, and then it turns into an addiction, this is the age when they stop maturaing. Literally, their brain does not mature when they smoke. So if he started smoking at 20, he's stuck at that age.
I heard this in a Psychology class I took, and it makes a lot of sense.

I think you have good reason to be disappointed, and doubtful about the future of this relationship.

If it's like this now, and that is the best he can do, what does the future hold.

It has long been known that weed affects libido, motivation, and overall health, with heavy use. He is not a recreational user if he's stoned every day; this is a lifestyle he has chosen, and likely at his age, only knows his life to include weed every day.

If you have been with him 9 months, you should know by now that his chronic use is affecting you in many ways. Skunk by the way, is a potent form of cannabis.

You are starting behind the 8 ball, with somebody who doesn't think they have a problem, and further, that their problem doesn't affect anyone else. He is unable or unwilling to address his use, and that should be a wakeup call to you. If he was drunk everyday, there would be no difference because he would still not see it as a significant problem.

One thing he says that is right, is that this is not your problem. It is not caused by you, and you don't contribute to it in any way. It is squarely on his shoulders. Don't accept responsibility for anything that his addiction has caused for you personally, and stop blaming yourself. It has nothing to do with your looks, or your personality, or some other attribute. You aren't contributing to his decision to smoke.

I'm telling you now he will never change, they love the bongs and their friends that gather around it, they will never realise that all they have in common with each other is the drugs and take the drugs away they have nothing to talk about. I have been in a relationship for 4 years my boyfriend started smoking bongs a year ago with his dero mates and since then our relationship has decreased to nothing, we have no sex life and I don't see him until he rolls in the door after midnight stoned. I have tried everything and nothing works I have sat and cried in desperation only to be laughed at because he is so stoned before the drugs he was very loving and now there is nothing, I ended my relationship last night as I have never felt so used and depressed in my life, so you can hang in there if you like but if he can't see your hurting after 9 months he never will, drugos think of only 2 things drugs and where they can get drugs.

Don't worry Gemini, if you stopped I'm sure you're okay. :)

Thank you very much guys for your answers. In the bottom of my heart I know the real answer (that this relationship will probably never work). It is very scary to accept that when you are in love with them.

I am 27 for the person that asked.

I don't think that the marriage/kids thing scares him. He wants that too but no go with MJ in our relationship.

I had some very frank discussion with him last night about MJ etc and he didn't say much but has been overly kind to me since. I told him that I am beginning to tire of this behaviour and it is all getting very tired very fast and that I am fed up.

I will let you know how I get on. I just want to say that I won't forget your advice. I won't carry on forever in this relationship if something drastic does not happen (and I am realistic about the likelihood of this happening)

All I can say is that I think it is INCREDIBLY SAD that some people choose to live life in an MJ haze and reject what real life has to offer. One other thing is that he used to be in a famous band and I think this is the one thing that makes him feel like he is hanging on to his musician days (sex drugs and rock and roll). He wants to stay in that sapce forever and doesn't want to grow up and experienec the next stage in his life... sad

I never thought I would be in this situation. I am a confident person going places, but love does some funny things to your brain and judgement. I think it could happen to anyone, especially if like me, you were naïve and only found out about MJ months into the relationship when you had already fallen in love.

One last thing. I read something on the net about MJ and realtionships which really rang true... MJ addiction (or any drug addiction) feels to the other partner very much like the partner is having an affair. AN AFFAIR WITH MARY JANE! SO TRUE. It really make syou feel resentment toward the MJ, like the MJ is another woman or something... crazy huh? No wonder it destroys relationships...

Thanks again I really appreciate it :-)

Good job sandalwood, way to tell him how you feel and that your fed up!

Where do you live? Want to go out sometime? Lol... =)

Quote:

Originally Posted by troy70

Good job sandalwood, way to tell him how you feel and that your fed up!!

Where do you live? Want to go out sometime?! Lol... =)

Far way from US of A! Thanks anyway :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by sandalwood7

Far way from US of A! Thanks anyways :)

This is funny. :)

Damn, thought I'd give it a go. Oh well!

"Life's an ocean and I'm swimming in a sea of virgin's!"

:cool:

Glad you had the clarity of mind to finally see the problem before it consumed YOUR life as well. Its never too late to get your life back on track with someone NOT into drugs, or alcohol.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ;

Gemini54 agrees: Oh no! I started smoking MJ at 18! (But I did stop) Hopefully MY brain has matured!
sandalwood7 agrees: I really agree about the maturation thing
Catsmine agrees: Am I 14 forever?

Haa don't worry, from what I understand the brain will continue to mature after the habit is kicked. It's only for REALLY heavy users that don't stop. :)

Goodness. I thought that I was reading the story of my relationship - only the ages have been changed. I have been dating a wonderful guy for 7 months, am deeply in love however he smokes daily and it is deeply affecting our relationship. I have had the exact feelings that you are having. No sex life and no interest from your partner makes you feel unattractive.

I had decided to end my relationship also. I think you have been given some great advice. I know how hard it is to end it but life is too short to waist any more time on someone who is not willing to give you what you need.

I feel so sad and empty. I am finding this so hard. I feel so weak when it comes to this relationship because I love my BF. I just need to vent, because I feel very low and I don't now if I can talk about this with anyone else. I am at my wits end.

Last night I came home and my BF and his friend had been smoking weed. We all started watching a movie. Then as the evening went on, it obviously wasn't enough to have already smoked and they pulled out a joint. I just felt sick, as if someone had kicked me in the guts. I left the room and shut the door and went into the bedroom and tried to read my book. My BF came in and said was I OK? Didn't I want to watch the movie? I said no I am just going to read my book. I tried to read but I just felt somuch emotion well up inside of me. Sadness, despair, anger and resentment. I could not concentrate and have been feeling sad and empty ever since. He came in a second time and said I should come and watch movie but I said I was tired. The smoke started drifting into the bedroom under the door and it made me want to cry. I tried to sleep but I had too much emotion.

Later when his friend had left he came into bed to find me trying to sleep. I just felt limp and without energy. He tried to cuddle me but I just felt like I wanted to be alone and lay there passively. I could not get to sleep for hours. Even this morning I felt much the same. I feel sadness and resentment. I feel closed off from the world. I feel very alone. I feel like I cannot give affection anymore and I feel disconnected from him. I feel like I don't know anyone that can understand what I am going through. I feel like I have lost all sense of perspective and control over my life and situation.

Our sex life has improved over the last few weeks in terms of frequency since I voiced my concerns. My boyfriend hasn't given me many orgasms in our relationship and 2 days ago I tried to explain some things to him about what I like and that I feel hurried and that there is not enough foreplay, and I need slower thrusting and more patience from him. I have not had this trouble before in relationships. I have been reading some books about sex and orgasms for women so I have been thinking about this a lot recently. I was very embarrassed and said that I felt that I had got into a cycle of not orgasming, because I was worried that I will not orgasm and that prevents me from orgasming and now it there is too much anxiety and I need patience and help to get through this and I want to try. He said it all sounded like 'baloney' and this made me very upset.

I was embarrassed and I had talked about my deepest fears and they have been minimised and disqualified. I Don't KNOW WHAT TO DO. Whenever we have sex it is too hard, too fast and not enough foreplay. He is very good at cunnilingus but he doesn't do it long enough to make me . I feel too much time pressure. I give him blowjobs all the time but he hardly goes down on me. If I don't during sex because he cums too quickly I try and touch myself to .He just lies there and doesn't help or anything and this makes me feel upset, like he doesn't care about my pleasure.I feel resentful now and this makes it hard to . Now I feel like the only way to get pleasure is for me to do it for myself because he is not willing to listen to my concerns. When I give him a blow job and he cums, he does nothing for me afterwards and I end up just touching myself, lying next to him, with no reaction from him, feeling alone and unattractive even though I am not. I feel like he never just cares about my pleasure even though I do the same for him. IS THIS NORMAL IN A RELATIONSHIP? I just don't know what is normal anymore...

Does this mean this is the end for us? It breaks my heart to think of this possibility... Is there anything more I can do?

I know it sounds pathetic but I don't know what to do. I need strength right now. I feel like shutting myself off from the world with my tears. I have so much negative stuff that I am trying to deal with in the rest of my life (complicated) I can't bear the thought of conflict right now... or a breakup. I don't know if I could cope right now with much more. I feel emotionally exhausted. I am in a very dark place right now in my life. I can't talk to my friends because they have other things going on in their lives...

Thank you for hearing my venting. I really needed to write this down because it helps me a lot to consolidate my feelings. :confused::confused::confused::(:mad:

If you are going to stay in the relationship, you need to put your foot down. Obviously, stopping him from smoking isn't happening. So, stop him from smoking in the house. Tell him flat out that you do not want your home smelling of pot. If he wants to get stoned, he can go outside. Don't leave the room. Make them.

Stand up for your health. It doesn't matter what the effects of marijuana are in this case. What matters is that his smoking and disregard for you are causing you to make yourself ill.

I quite frankly think you need to pack his clothes and give him his walking papers or pack your things and leave. Until you take action, he is going to keep dismissing your concerns and feelings. Stop allowing him to use you. You deserve better.