My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years, For the most part our realationship has been great. Tha problem is he looks at porn, He knows how I feel about this. This is the third time he has been caught. When I confront him he lies and says it was not him, So I print everything out so its in black and white for him.We are the only two that use this computer. I am ready to end this realationship. He says he is sorry and swears he won't do it again. I do not believe him. Should I give him a chance to save a good realationship or move on??

I'm curious as to what his reaction was when you produced the printed copy as your proof?

A lot of men look at porn,if this is a dealbreaker for you,then leave..

If him lying about it is the dealbreaker for you,then leave.

If you producing the proof to him,and him being made out as a liar,and porn dog... perhaps that's a dealbreaker for him?

If you want to save your otherwise good relationship,you both have to treat each other with respect, not one searching for proof of the others fault,and laying it at their feet.

It depends on whether you believe/trust what he says. If you trust him, then let it go and move on. But if you can't, then it might be time to call it quits.

No trust = No relationship

In my opinion, this is as healthy as telling him never to masterbate because he has you.

Porn is a problem for you only if you consider it your competition.

This isn't true for all men, but you will rarely find a man who hasn't cruised the internet porn highway. So if you feel so strongly, start looking for the possibly 10% of men who don't, otherwise I feel like this is like asking him to stop masterbating. He is going to do it and as long as it isn't an addiction, it is fairly natural. Men prefer imaginary and visuals to stimulate them.

I would say this isn't that right relationship for you, if this is a deal breaking issue.

EDIT: A very wise friend once told me 'Who cares where he gets his appetite, as long as he is always eating at home.'

Of course, this is just my opinion of your situation.

What's wrong with a little porn? What's the big deal??

The problem with porn is, my daughter was sexually abused, The who did this to her, made her watch porn with him. So I have a serious problem with porn and my boyfriend knows this

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Originally Posted by kvirgo1973

The problem with porn is, my daughter was sexually abused, The who did this to her, made her watch porn with him. So I have a serious problem with porn and my boyfriend knows this

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That's puts a totally different spin on things...

I see your point,but don't confuse the two.. what happened to your daughter is a nightmare,but your boyfriend is not that man.

He's just a guy who watches a little porn now and then,if he is otherwise supportive and loving,try not to transfer your feelings of anger onto one aspect of your relationship.

I'm thinking he lied now because he knew why it would upset you,I'm not saying I believe its OK for him to lie,only that its not him getting off on porn that's the problem,it's the association with the abuse..

Perhaps I'm wrong.

Here's exactly what is going to happen:

1. Your boyfriend will tell you that he won't look at porn anymore.

2. You will be happy but still wary.

3. He will look at porn anyway.

4. You will catch him again.

5. More problems.

The real problem here is not him. It's you.

You need to understand that he is not the one who did this to your daughter. It was another man, so he should not be punished for it. You, as an adult, should be more reasonable and realistic, because trust me, he will never stop looking at porn.

In all honesty, there is no way for you to get what you want out of this situation.

If A looked at porn and attacked B, then C who looks at porn will attack also. It's quite a wrong logic here and it's confusing a lot of things. Most men watches porn, it's quite normal, you need to understand how it is not a problem. Men are visual creatures, looks (as superficial at it may be) are very important to most men, our brains are wired like that.

Honestly I don't think you will be able to make him stop watching it. He really isn't doing anything wrong you have to understand he is with you because he loves you. I felt sad when I find out my guy was watching it but I don't say anything anymore. I know he loves me and I don't own him. Aslong as he is just watching I think its better than him going out to actually meet girls. You have to make a decision to leave him or stop telling him how you feel. Or else he is going to feel like you are trying to control him. He has probably watched this since he was young, I don't think you can make him stop, sorry.

And ps if he would rather have sex with you than watch porn, don't worry! Also maybe try watching it together? Lol just a suggestion

I understand your hestiation but porn was not what caused your daugther to be assaulted, it was the person. I can understand not wanting to bring back the memories but at this point it's clear he's going to look at it, and it's also clear he's being victimized for something he didn't do or had no control over. Maybe dating isn't right for you now, until your daughter is older and adults in the home they pay for on the computer they pay for can use it freely. If this is the only negative you can say about him, you may want to re-evaluate what is important to you in a relationship.

I think it does more harm than good to hold your new guy accountable for the actions of another guy. While I understand your need to protect your child, if your going to blame porn, then at least look at what your asking of this new guy, and why. If he cannot be trusted, or if you cannot trust him, just because of the porn he watches, he shouldn't be there.

I hope you can get over your hurt, and fear, and see things realistically, for you and your daughter, as this is something you have to deal with, before you let it affect you in such a negative way, and maybe some help can get you to that point.

I don't think this is something you sweep under the rug behind strict rules on others, as it will always affect your future happiness.

Its not about porn at all, but the way you deal with people, and things in your life, after having gone through such a traumatic event. That really the only way to be healthy, and have a healthy relationship with any one, even yourself.

For some relationships looking at a little porn spices things up. It can be fun if you are both into it. This does not seem to be the case with you. If you feel so strongly about it you need to go with your feelings or else you will both be miserable. And yes, he will continue to do this. There are guys out there who are not into porn. I dated one. "One" Ha-ha.

Ask him how he would like it if you were to get your jollies from looking at pics of naked guys. These days porn is so available that it would be difficult to stop a guy from looking. Besides, these are just pics and not chicks. Good luck!

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Originally Posted by kvirgo1973

The problem with porn is, my daughter was sexually abused, The who did this to her, made her watch porn with him. So I have a serious problem with porn and my boyfriend knows this

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If he doesn't watch porn in her presence (which would be wrong to do)... then exactly where is there a problem.. except with you? I recommend you get over what someone else did rather than continuously revisiting it. MOST people are not child molesters. Want to drive this guy off, keep doing what you have been doing. Its not going to help you or your daughter to continue to dwell on the past and make incorrect assumptions about everyone who have done nothing wrong.

I don't think that you should break up with him. Honestly, porn isn't a big deal. Just be happy he is looking and not touching, you have been together for two years, and maybe he just needed a little side entertainment. But be happy to have him, and he is obviously still committed to you or you guys wouldn't be together. Its really no big deal, maybe it's a sign that he is sexually unhappy. I think you need to talk and work it out. There is no reason to waste a two year relationship because of a video. Handle this maturely.

Seems as if you need to address the lying first. Ask him why he lied to you. As others mentioned, it was probably so you wouldn't get mad at him. I'm not saying him lying is right by any means, because it's not. He should have talked to you about this.

But now that you know he enjoys looking at it now and again, it is your choice as to whether it is acceptable to you. Obviously most people here are outraged that you would be anti-porn, but if that is your stand, then make it your stand, and leave him if you can't accept it.

Otherwise, it will be an endless cycle of him sneaking and you getting mad.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kvirgo1973

The problem with porn is, my daughter was sexually abused, The who did this to her, made her watch porn with him. So I have a serious problem with porn and my boyfriend knows this

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He lied about looking at the porn. That was a very bad decision to make. However, what would your reaction have been if he told you the truth?

How did you get your "proof"? Were you looking for it in the history or cookie or temp files? If so why? Maybe because you didn't trust him?

How old is your daughter? Are you positive that she NEVER uses that computer?

If she doesn't have any access to it at all and you don't search out the "proof", could you compromise with your boyfriend?

It all comes back down to communication and trust which it looks like you both broke. Try sitting down and discussing the problems. Not just you saying what you don't like. Listen to his input too. Maybe you can work it out together.

Big deal... an adult man looked at porn. Get over it already. He has that right without getting your "Permission". You after all are not his keeper.

Have you and your daughter BOTH gotten counseling yet on the past issues.. if not get it. You need it. Everyone isn't a child molester... Porn isn't an issue... but thinking you can command everyone's life is. The world does not revolve around you any more than it does other adults. And they have the right to live their lives as they see fit.

Most people are not child molestors... and you appear to think any person who sees a naked body is. YOU conform to the world... you can't force the world to conform to you.

Understand that... and you open the gateway to enjoying the future rather than dwelling in the past.

I understand completely where you're coming from.

As others have said, he most likely won't stop watching. If he knows the history of why you're against it and THAT hasn't stopped him, then rest assured that this is a part of his lifestyle choice and it will come up again. And again.

You will eventually associate this with him and see him as a bad person who is hurting you. (If you're not there already.) And he will feel constantly under the gun for something he does not see anything wrong with and will eventually resent you for it.

This is not something you will learn to live with anytime soon. You will not trust him. So, break up.

Then, go see a therapist for help on coming to terms with what happened to your family. It doesn't mean you have to get to a place where you're okay with the man in your life watching porn, it means knowing what you can or cannot live with and then confidently making those decisions for your own emotional and mental well being.

Again, like I said, I understand. And I know that it's next to impossible to go it alone.

Look at thread dates before you respond, this thread is two years old and the OP has only ever made 2 posts. They have either dealt with the issue or moved on by now.