Ask Me Help Desk - Was wondering if this is considered cheating

I have been married for 29 yrs and around the 17th yr my husband stop having sex with me, he says it's from a prostate problem, but he would never go to a doctor, well in December we had gone to visit his brother in another state and spent a month and a half there. His niece has a 21 yr old friend that likes to flash her breasts at men and my husband knew this before I found out,every time she was around he would stare at her, even when he was sitting right next to me. I thought he had broken his neck when he turned to stare. Now the whole time we were at his brothers, all of a sudden he wanted sex everyday, more so when she was around. If he was thinking of her and having sex with me, is that considered cheating. He is also looking at other women and flirting with them, but he says that he doesn't do that stuff. He even drove into oncoming traffic looking at a woman running along side the road. These are just 2 of the things I saw he do,but he swears he not doing them, even though I see he do it. He even told me that if the 21 yr old would flash him that he would get hard, he says he said it as a joke. He's 61 yrs old.

That in itself is not cheating, just lying.

Nope, not cheating.

If you have a problem with this then you need to talk to him about it.

I also forgot to add that the prostate problem does not just go away on it's own with out meds. I think that was just his excuse for he didn't want to do it.

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Originally Posted by twinkiedooter

I also forgot to add that the prostate problem does not just go away on it's own with out meds. I think that was just his excuse for he didn't want to do it.

We had a lot of other things going on at that time, a new house, kids, etc, plus he worked 10 hours a day and said he was tired, but I also worked sometimes 2 jobs and I was not well. He says that he loves me and would never cheat on me, but how can I trust him with all the lying he does.

Quote:

Originally Posted by alone and angry

I have been married for 29 yrs and around the 17th yr my husband stop having sex with me, he says it's from a prostate problem, but he would never go to a doctor, well in december we had gone to visit his brother in another state and spent a month and a half there. his neice has a 21 yr old friend that likes to flash her breasts at men and my husband knew this before i found out,everytime she was around he would stare at her, even when he was sitting right next to me. i thought he had broken his neck when he turned to stare. now the whole time we were at his brothers, all of a sudden he wanted sex everyday, more so when she was around. if he was thinking of her and having sex with me, is that considered cheating. he is also looking at other women and flirting with them, but he says that he doesn't do that stuff. he even drove into oncoming traffic looking at a woman running along side the road. these are just 2 of the things i saw he do,but he swears he not doing them, even though i see he do it. he even told me that if the 21 yr old would flash him that he would get hard, he says he said it as a joke. he's 61 yrs old.

I don't understand where the lies are at? Your husband is 61 years old. It is normal for him to get excited at another woman, even if he was 30. How can you possibly think that any man would not get excited by some woman bearing their breasts? 'I' would get excited. It's normal, doesn't mean he doesn't love or want you.

He is most likely not thinking of her and having sex with you. Maybe he just got a 'feeling'. People can get turned on by many things, but that doesn't always mean that they are thinking about it when you are having sex.

I don't consider it cheating:)

She may have gotten his juices stirred up so to speak but he was having sex with you.

I don't consider it cheating.

After all these years it is hard to maintain the excitement in the bedroom,you have to mix it up a little bit.

Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't think twice about him getting turned on by being flashed by a younger woman. However, they had a sexless marriage for 12 years and suddenly he finds inspiration and an immediate "cure" for his prostate condition that has kept him from having sex with his wife for years?

Something more seems to be going on. If all it took was a pair of young breasts, erotica should have taken care of the problem a long time go.

Could he have gone to see a doctor without telling you? Has he started taking any medications or herbal remedies? Say those for ED.

It sounds like he has found sex again. I doubt that the younger women are the only factor in his recovery. They may have some impact but he is with you not them.

However, if it really bothers you, talk with him. He probably doesn't even realize he is looking at younger women. When he does it may not always be them he is seeing but remembering you and earlier days.

From a woman's perspective, this sounds like emotional cheating a little bit. The timing is not inconsequential that he wants to have sex when he's around a woman he thinks is attractive. Sounds like you and he are not doing it for each other anymore. You need to explore that with him--if you even want to. Etiher way, doesn't sound satisfying in any way.

He has been doing things in front of me that is very disrespectful, he evenlet a young college girl into our home and sat there stareing and laughing with her right in front of me, like I wasn't even there, he even got up and went over to her and looked down her shirt, he was pretending to have left his water by her, he had no water.she claims that she was selling mags for college so that she could go to italy but show paper work as to what college but if I was to pick up a mag in the store he would tell me that I wasen't getting it because we couldn't afford it but he wasn't saying no when she wanted $100 or more even when I told her that we couldn't afford it, she called me a liar and he did and said nothing, he just sat there stareing and laughing with her. I had given him 3 looks as to tell him to say no, but he did do anything, I finally got up and walked out. He doesn't care about my health, when my mom died of COPD, I wanted to stop smoking and asked him to sit on the porch to smoke, he told me that this is his house and he will do what he wants. He doesn't want to do anything or go anything with me. Even when our son hit me, he did nothing.our son had just joined a youth hockey team and when he hit me, I told him that he would not be going as a punishment but 2 weeks later my husband took him to practice. Oh, he made sure to tell me about this girl named rose who was pregnant. That's all he would talk about when he got home from work, which by the way he went to work an hour even before started and got home 1 1/2 to 2 hours after work ended. Does this sound like a man in love with his wife, I don't think so. I've tried to take to him about all of this but all he ever says is that he doesn't do any of that. If I was to walk around naked, he wouldn't get aroused and I'm 10 yrs younger than him. He has given me excuse after excuse for not wanting to be with me or touching me, but claims he loves me, does this sound like love. He claims he's not into sex. In my opinion this is emotional and mental abuse. And what makes you think that it's all right for him to be turned on by other women, doesn't that lead to cheating. I took wedding vows to honer thy husband, but I guess that doesn't mean much to men, they could do anything they want, right. How come if a womwn was to do these things, she would be consider a whore, but let a man do it and it's OK.

My answer to your initial question is no, I don't think it's cheating. It doesn't matter where the appetite comes from as long as you eat at home.

HOWEVER, it sounds as if he's evolving into a dirty old man. A selfish one at that.

You have to ask yourself this question: Am I going to spend the rest of my years in a relationship with this man?

Are you willing to sit by and watch this behavior get worse?

What's next? Will he cross the line?

He obviously doesn't respect you, your opinion, your family,.

What's up with your son HITTING you? Did he learn this from your husband?

Bottom line is, can you see him in counseling? Can you see this getting any better?

Will you leave him?

Sometimes people fall out of lust. Some people fall out of love even. Some people do both.

I'm sorry that you're in distress, and I'm sorry if I was hurtful. But the answer just might be staring you in the face.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

I did tell him that he was a dirty old man and a pig at that. In the past 10+ yrs I have tried everything I could to get him to touch me or just show some affection, but nothing worked. He does put on a good show in front of people, like holding my hand,giving me a kiss and saying that he loves me, but behind closed doors, nothing.
I'm not willing to sit by and watch this behavior get worse and I have told him so.
Will he cross that line, I don't know, maybe.
I know he has no respect for me, that's why our 3 children have no respect for me, they saw him have none.
He has never hit me, not even yelled at me.
He said that when we have enough money that he would go to counseling to find out why he treats me so badly.
I have told him that I cannot live like this and that I have to leave and he said if that's what will make you happy then do it.

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Originally Posted by alone and angry

i did tell him that he was a dirty old man and a pig at that. in the past 10+ yrs i have tried everything i could to get him to touch me or just show some affection, but nothing worked. he does put on a good show in front of people, like holding my hand,giving me a kiss and saying that he loves me, but behind closed doors, nothing.
i'm not willing to sit by and watch this behavior get worse and i have told him so.
will he cross that line, i don't know, maybe.
i know he has no respect for me, that's why our 3 children have no respect for me, they saw him have none.
he has never hit me, not even yelled at me.
he said that when we have enough money that he would go to counseling to find out why he treats me so badly.
i have told him that i cannot live like this and that i have to leave and he said if that's what will make you happy then do it.

Well, sadly, there's your answer. Go, be free from this miserable person. Life is too short to stay somewhere you are not respected, appreciated, or loved.

Go make yourself happy.