Ask Me Help Desk - Lack of communication has ended the relationship

I started dating my boyfriend when we were 17 years old. We've known each other since we were 10 but never really friends. We started the relationship as friends when we were 17 then quickly progressed into boyfriend/girlfriend. We were eachother's first love and when we started we were inseparable. We planned our future together, drew our dream house, talked about marriage and children. As the relationship went on, our true colors started coming out. Whenever we'd argue about something my boyfriend would close up and not want to talk about it, whenever I'd ask him to he'd say "I have nothing to say" and when I would asked what he meant by that he would say "It wont' change anything" He's always been a really shy person but there's a difference between shy and unable to communicate. When we would discuss something happy he'd be fine but the minute it was something negative he'd close up.

I feel that because he couldn't tell me how he felt I was constantly nagging him hoping he'd change. I could feel him slipping away, but instead of him discussing this with me, of course he didn't. I would get very annoyed when we argued because he would just sit there, not talk and to me it looked like he just didn't care. I would cry when we were fighting and he'd just walk away.

He'd apologize later and promise that he's going to try to communicate better and I believed him. He also has been caught lying to me before, not about big things but they were still lies and when we'd try to talk about why he lied he would tell me he doesn't know.

Anyway, after a 4.5 year relationship, he finally told me two days ago that he loves me but is not in love with me. I feel like maybe that's why he never TRIED to communicate with me because he never saw a future and just gave up? I am trying so hard not to blame myself right now, maybe I pushed him too much, maybe I expected too much, maybe I should have gave him more space (because he never communicated, I felt like I always had to call him and be with him or else I'd lose him)

He says he needs space, what do I do? He's my first love and we were PERFECT besides these issues.

I also wanted to add that I had issues with jealousy and sometimes were controlling. However, I was willing to try to work through his communication issues because I loved him enough. I feel that if he truly loved me that he would try to help me overcome my issues?

Well, no relationship is ever PERFECT.

Is it possible that it's not really anyone's fault? You say he is your first love and that you were perfect, but perhaps it's just not meant to be, and you two have grown apart?

I say give him the space he is requesting, maybe he needs to sort some things out on his end. Your paths may cross another time in your life.

Just focus on you right now, and try not to dwell on the "what ifs" and what could have been if you did things differently. You can't help that now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaffected

Well, no relationship is ever PERFECT.

Is it possible that it's not really anyone's fault? You say he is your first love and that you were perfect, but perhaps it's just not meant to be, and you two have grown apart?

I say give him the space he is requesting, maybe he needs to sort some things out on his end. Your paths may cross another time in your life.

Just focus on you right now, and try not to dwell on the "what ifs" and what could have been if you did things differently. You can't help that now.

I totally agree... I can't do anything about that now. But because I see where things kind of went wrong, I feel like I know how to fix it but it's too late. We had a future planned and now I have no idea what my future holds. I'm only 21, but he was my best friend. We did everything together, saw each other every other day, talked everyday.. had the same friends, we were head over heels crazy about each other... it's hard to go from that to no communication. He told me he's falling out of love with me, and that obviously hurts so much to hear. I wish that he had talked to me about these issues he had BEFORE it got to this point? Like came to me and said, these things are really bothering me and I need space or else you're going to drive me away. But he said nothing! And now it's got the point where he doesn't even want to try to make it work. I'm going ot give him his space, maybe that's all he needed and maybe he'll realize it was a mistake calling it off?

I feel like now that he has come to me and told me the problems that we could have worked on them together! But I guess he's going to have to figure things out on his own.

Quote:

Originally Posted by amanda02

I feel like now that he has come to me and told me the problems that we could have worked on them together! But I guess he's going to have to figure things out on his own.

This may sound harsh, but maybe he doesn't want to work on the problems? This whole "space" thing may be his way of trying to break it off and trying to lessen the blow to you.

I recommend that you not sit around and wait for him to figure things out. You should work on your own life, hang out with friends and family, focus on work or school. When and if he wants to talk, you may have a clearer perspective after this "space" time.

And don't beat yourself up over mistakes you may have made in the relationship. We all make mistakes in relationships, but they are a great way to learn about ourselves, and you can apply those lessons in future relationships, whether it is with him or with someone else.

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaffected

This may sound harsh, but maybe he doesn't want to work on the problems? This whole "space" thing may be his way of trying to break it off and trying to lessen the blow to you.

I recommend that you not sit around and wait for him to figure things out. You should work on your own life, hang out with friends and family, focus on work or school. When and if he wants to talk, you may have a clearer perspective after this "space" time.

And don't beat yourself up over mistakes you may have made in the relationship. We all make mistakes in relationships, but they are a great way to learn about ourselves, and you can apply those lessons in future relationships, whether it is with him or with someone else.

Okay, I figure that if he wanted things to work out he would have at least tried to bring up these issues before they got to this point. He told me that he wants to stay friends but needs space. This is obviously easier for him since he broke up with me and had a little time to prepare himself for this, as opposed to me (completely caught off guard) I'm still in love with me and there's no way we can be friends until I move on right?

If you remain friends with him and stay in contact, it will be devastatingly hard for you to get over him, if not impossible. I honestly think the best thing you can do for yourself and him is to do the whole No Contact thing.

Here is a link to the sticky about No Contact:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...qs-332732.html

There are other stickied threads that may also help you.

You can be strong and turn this into a positive thing for you! But you have to try to stay busy and follow the NC rules :)

And remember, there is lots of support here!

Thank you.. what does everyone else think? Do you think that it was not a healthy relationshp from the start? Do you think if he wanted to make it work that he would have tried more?

Your finding out like we all do, that relationships are fragile and don't always work, but like most of us, your learning from your past mistakes so you don't repeat them in the next relationship. After you heal you will know whether the friends thing will work for you, but as we all learn, people come and go, through out our entire lives.

I think that the relationship might have been over before he actually ended it. His heart wasn't in it anymore. I can relate, but I was the one in your boyfriend's shoes. There wasn't anything that my boyfriend did wrong at the time, it just wasn't working out. I think this is quite common for people who are together either through high school or toward the end of high school. People do a lot of changing in these years. I loved my boyfriend, but I wasn't in love with him. I didn't see a future and we broke up after being together 4 years.

Communication is HUGE in a relationship, though, and unfortunately that's something he's going to have to figure out on his own.

So it's been over a week, and it's amazing how much I've realized. Firstly, he has no intentions of getting back together. Period. This was obviously very difficult for me to accept at first. I felt like if I told him I could change, I could be that girl he fell in love with blah blah blah. How embarrassing. We started dating 4.5 years ago when we were 17. We are obviously extremely different people now! When I was that age, I didn't really have an opinion. Nothing he did could make me angry because we were so in love. Right?

Well, now that we're in our 20's I know what I want in a relationship, and I know how I want to be treated. He did a lot of things to break my trust (never cheated) but still did pretty awful things. When I would approach him about them (I would never attack him verbally, I would calmly tell him I'd like to discuss it with him) he would first lie to me and tell me he never did those things (the whole time me knowing he did!) and get extremely defensive and tell me it was MY fault for not trusting him. I would tell him that I know I know he did those things and I just want him to be honest and give me an explanation... he would lie some more and manipulate me into thinking I was the one that had the problems, when really he lied so much! Then eventually he's be honest and tell me what he did but never told me why. How do you trust someone when they flat out lie to your face all the time? The smallest things would set him off, he was great when the relationship was going well, but the minute we had a disagreement and I wanted to discuss it with him, he'd either run away, TURN OFF HIS PHONE for the entire night ignoring me! Or get super defensive and say hurtful and mean things for no reason.

The whole relationship, I felt like I was the ONLY one trying. I would always be the one calling him to talk, making plans, everything. I felt like he took advantage of the idea that I would always be there to do everything so he never really had to try.

I've told him that yes obviously I have my issues too, but he needs to be able to communicate better in order for our relationship to work. He comes from an extremely broken home where both his parents are extremely selfish, his Dad cheated for years, and finally they broke it off. My ex was always an extremely shy person that NEVER showed when he's upset or ever talks about things that upset him... which is probably why he never wanted to talk about upsetting things in our relationship. His whole life he kept those things to himself and it was impossible for me to change that. But it is something you need in order to make a relationship work right? He doesn't realize yet that it is an issue but perhaps one day he will. I feel like he will never have a successful relationship if he doesn't realize that communication is essential. It just hurts me because I tried for so many years to be there for him and help him open up but it was all for nothing.

Like I said, at the beginning we were great, we were 'perfect' to each other and could do no wrong. But near the end we did not compliment each other or bring out the best in each other. I was the only one trying to make things work and he just wanted to be left alone. Talk about a pickle eh? For the past week I was the only one contacting him (go figure.. ) and I still haven't gotten anywhere and any closer to answers. I probably will never receive answers which is something I'm beginning to accept. I feel like I have so much love to give and I need someone that will give me just as much back. 50/50. It's exhausting when you feel like you're the only one trying. It's sad because he is SUCH a great person, but just has major communication problems.

Also, during the relationship he never really wanted to do anything, he never came up with things for us to do. And now that we're broken up he's playing a lot of shows (he's a musician) and going to concerts, etc... things I would have loved to do with him! Go figure...

Anyway, I realized that it was not a healthy relationship, the hard part was accepting that I'm okay with it being over as well now. Because I was the only one trying for so long, it's hard to give up. But I know it's the only option for my sanity. I hope he realizes one day how much effort I truly put into it, and that he needs to work on some issues in order to be happy in his future, but not my problem anymore right? The only time we were truly happy near the end, is when we were just cuddling with each other... (which is the only thing I miss) that is not something unique to him. I don't actually miss HIM.

Oh, and also. I'm cutting off contact now. He needs to realize that I won't always be there for him and that I'm not longer willing to be taken advantage of. If HE wants to talk to me and finally give me some friggin answers then that's fine. We will not be getting back together, I cannot put myself through that again. He would have been such a great guy if he could have figured out a way to express his emotions in a healthy, productive way. When we would argue he'd get so defensive (or not say anything which looks like he just didn't give a crap) and I'd get upset and start crying because I'd feel like I was just banging my head against a wall, going no where. Then when I'd start crying he would just storm out and leave me there. When my grandfather died, he just sent me a text saying he was sorry. No phone call, no "I'll be right over" I was always there for him when he was feeling down. I had put him on a pedastal when we broke up, but I'm slowly starting to realize it was not healthy. We had a lot of great times, but unfortunately you cannot be happy 100% of time, and sometimes when you get upset you need to be able to discuss it!

You have come a long way in 7 days. Guess he blew a good thing, but you will do better I think.

Yeah, I remember all the great times we had together, I've known him most of my life.. how could I not? But I also remember the reasons our relationship didn't work out... it wasn't just his fault and it wasn't just mine. I realize that I had my issues too obviously. But I also realize that I do deserve more in a relationship.

But I also realize that I do deserve more in a relationship.[/

Amanda,you sound like a very balanced person at such a young age and its lovely to hear you giving yourself so much value and worth.Of course,you deserve more than what you were getting and am sure that you will meet many more guys who will give you the love and respect you deserve.

Be good to yourself,enjoy life and the whole world will be yours!

He was my first real relationship so I think part of me believed that all relationships were like ours. Until I realized when speaking to many people, that there is so much more to relationship then just one person giving 150% and the other one giving 0! Gives me hope for the future! :)