Hi, I've been having some problems in my relationship that I would like some answers to.

My boyfriend who is a bit older then me (he's 34) and I am 25, we've been dating for 2 1/2 years now, most of the time we get along great. Meeting him for the first time was like running into an old friend...

Our relationship started difficult because I was actually dating his good friend when I met him. It started simple enough, we all three would hang out at a bar on Friday nights getting to know one another. Before I knew it, I started enjoying his company more then the guy sitting beside me (which I had only been dating him for about a month and some, very quiet, closed up, just plain weird.)

So I broke up with the guy, trying to remain friends, because after all- we didn't date that long.

So before too long the guy and I started hanging out more and eventually a relationship started between us. He didn't want to hurt his friend, and neither did I, but it *seemed* that our feelings were so strong to be held back.

We took it slow, just being friends, because he was torn between his friend and enjoying my company, but he also said he didn't want a relationship. Which I told him that I couldn't just screw around with someone so if he didn't want a relationship then he'd have to look somewhere else.

Over time, he said he wanted to be with me. I was very happy. I am often a pessimistic kind of person but with him, I doubt I had ever smiled so much in my life.

Despite that he says he's not a romantic kind of guy, which is fine, I can deal with that to a point. It's not like I've ever been wined and dined before anyway. I guess I'm just use to that kind of thing.

Like I said, we get a long great- except for when it comes to talking about emotions. He clams up when I have a problem. I'm looking for emotional support and it's like he mentally disappears on me? He likes everything to run smooth- no confrontation, but sometimes there is a problem in the relatioship and I feel the best thing to do is talk about it and he doesn't want to. I find him staring at the t.v, or biting his nails... Its like he's a.d.d when it comes to emotions.

I am an emotional kind of gal, we've been dating for 2 1/2 years and I remember the first time I told him I loved him, he didn't say anything back. That was probably around a year and some. We eventually "talked" about it and he said he would try to start telling me. I then said, I shouldn't have to tell you to tell me you love me, it should come natural. So we tried it on for size... I think he told me he loved me maybe 8 or 9 times in about a 2 week period. But when he would say it, it sounded weird? Like fast and forced and never would he look in my eyes. And then lo and behold, it stopped. He hasn't said it since.

So, the past year and half has been a delicate one for me, I lost my brother in 2008. So I've been a mass of puddy on the floor sometimes, and it just seems like it's too much of an effort on his part to care.

I just want to know am I asking too much? Is it impossible to think that a man could be there for his woman and still be a man? How can someone sleep in the same bed as me every night but not tell me they love me?

I'm just tired of trying... I know what I need and if he can't give it to me I shouldn't pretend that I can handle it (even though I wish I could, but I cant. It's driving me insane.) I should leave right? Or what, if anyone has anything I would love to hear it, 'cause we do have something good... or maybe I'm just kidding myself. I don't know. Thank you for your time.

If it was only him not talking about his emotions I would say it was a guy thing... but the more I read this the more it sounds like he is just saying what you want to hear to keep the fling going, I am no expert but to me it sounds like he really doesn't care for you

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by HellHound82

if it was only him not talking about his emotions i would say it was a guy thing.... but the more i read this the more it sounds like he is just saying what you want to hear to keep the fling going, i am no expert but to me it sounds like he realy dosent care for you

---

Thanks for your opinion. I guess I already knew that... I just wanted someone else's thoughts on the matter. Thanks.

Its uncanny reading your post Silent,since it feels like going back to my own relationship issue.Most of the people here on this forum know about it and have been bored-to-death,am sure,by now,but I will still share the stuff with you because it really will help you find the connections.

I was in a long-distance relationship with a guy who felt like he was THE ONE.We had a dream-chemistry and our wavelengths matched like we were just born for each other.We revelled in each other's company(though actually being countries apart,our mode of communication was over mail and internet chat) and got drawn to each other very fast.Initially,we used to chat/mail for long hours and never tired of doing so.Gradually,I could feel him distancing himself.He,like this guy of yours,was extremely forthcoming about the fact that he wasn't the vocal,demonstrative type,who could express himself like me who's never made any bones about the fact that I am emotional,very vocal,expressive and all that.

So anyway,the distance and the silence grew and whenever I asked him about it,it was work,which I didn't buy.So one day there was this heated exchange of mails where I point-blank asked him if he was having doubts about our relationship and good I did,because he came out with his side of the story,which is that he felt I was moving too fast for him,that my emotions flew faster than his and in the time apart he realised that he didn't miss me much etc etc.At the same time,he didn't want to let go of me and didn't rule out the possibility of a future together,but the idea was clear... either I be in the relationship on his terms and accept his frequent withdrawals and coming-and-going syndrome and put my own,emotional,expressive side on the backburner to accommodate his terms of keeping our relationship very practical,or I could leave,he couldn't care less.

So,leave I did but after I learnt my lesson,which I would like to share with you : The issue I faced and you are facing now,is of two people not being on the same page about the relationship.Of not moving at the same pace.Of not being in the same time-zone of the relationship.You obviously have more feelings invested in this already while for him,he's still unsure.For you,21/2 yrs is time enough to have something more meaningful,for him,its not time enough to proceed to the next level in the relationship.He definitely likes you,but I doubt if he's thinking of anything else beyond that right now.You are dead on,when you say that it shouldn't be so difficult to say I love you to someone you love.In a true love relationship,you lose count of the number of times you say it.

Men are generally not cut out to be as expressive about their feelings as women.There is a basic difference in their approach to love and relationships.For us women,we very quickly make the other person the center of our lives and lose ourselves in the relationship.Having said that,any person in love with another,be it man or woman,can or should not make the other person unhappy and mentally drained,like you are feeling.

So,just back off quite a bit.Am not asking you to break up with him,but make him understand(like you did earlier when you specified you were the "relationship" kind of a person),that you need more than what he's giving right now.While you don't him to change himself drastically,you want him to make an effort to change certain basic things in the relationship.You want him to be more open and communicatiove.You want him and you both to lay down certain ground-rules in the relationship(like for e.g how he can try substituting the I love you part and not say it if he doesn't feel comfortable but what he can say to make you feel loved etc etc).You want him to basically work on the relationship and make these little shifts to make you feel better.

If he's willing to work with you on this,then you take it ahead.Otherwise I would suggest you think about leaving him because these kind of men,in my experience,will always want things on their terms and conditions.They'll keep coming and going out of the relationship,as and when they feel like.

In the meanwhile Silent,don't forget to do the most important thing : Live your own life:)... More than him,more than your relationship,more than anything,what matters most is YOU.Take good care of you and enjoy this beautiful life you have.

I'd like to present a slightly different view. We often base what we think 'should' happen in a relationship on a woman's' perspective.

Many guys haven't been brought up saying 'I love you' or wearing their feelings on their sleeves. In fact, some of them would rather gnaw their arm off than talk about their emotions or ask you about yours.

Often, if nagged frequently enough, they will pretend to play the game but will eventually revert back to what they feel comfortable with. They prefer women to be the ones that do the 'expressing'.

Women sometimes don't understand this and they interpret it as lack of love, or lack of interest, or lack of feeling. I don't think it is any of these things. It's essentially a fear of any emotion and an inability to express this fear.

You say that your BF wants things to run smoothly - he's probably scared that any emotion or feeling expressed will threaten the relationship.

You need to understand that you're not the only one that has needs. See it from his perspective. He has a need for things to go smoothly, for feelings not be discussed because they may threaten the relationship and for you to be the one that expresses the emotions not him.

He may never have the capacity to do what you want him to do. But, I don't think this means he doesn't love you.

What it does mean is that you need to decide whether you can stay in the relationship and accept him for what he is. Emotionally inarticulate and immature? Possibly.

Perhaps if you were to pull back and not expect him to be emotionally articulate it might change the dynamic. More physical affection, less talking about it. More talking about how you feel without expecting him to 'fix things' or respond. More praise, less criticism.

Try changing the dynamic from one of him needing to meet your expectations, to one of you understanding his needs and see if it changes anything.

I just wanted to ask,does he behave as if he loves you?

Does his action speak how he feels?

Some men can say 'i love you' and be as romantic as you like,and then turn on you,and all the I love you's mean nothing.

My own boyfriend is uncomfortable expressing emotions,however he is kind,and considerate,and shows respect.

Those things are important in a relationship,there's more to loving someone then just words.

Look at your relationship as a whole,not in bits... how does it look and feel overall?

If you have been with him for two years and he has that much trouble saying I love you then you don't need to be with him... You have to communicate in a relationship, if you don't it will never work and it sounds to me like he doesn't care how you feel and doesn't want to hear about it. You don't have to be a romantic guy to tell a girl you love her. He obviously doesn't if he can't say it. It'll be hard but I don't think there is anything to do but break it off and try to move on. I was in a 2 year relationship and it was hard for me to break it off because I had gotten so comfortable, but it's the best thing to do in your case. If you hang on any longer then you will just get hurt even worse. Hope this helps!

I disagree with auburn2805 to some extent.

The emotional needs of both parties need to be taken into consideration,if one finds to difficult to express words of love,the other can help them.


Granted a balance is needed,however the absence of the words I love you,does not mean the absence of love given.

These are valid points. I appreciate everyone's response. Starry Nights- yours words are very helpful, thank you. :)

Gemini 54- But isn't this a ridiculous fear? A stereotype of letting them be man? I get you, I do, but it somehow seems a bit ridiculous to think that. And about realizing that I am not the only one with needs? I think I've held off whatever I've wanted for long enough, I've accepted it to the point where I let my needs go to the back of my mind? When you're in a relationship it's a 50/50. At least I thought it was but... OK. More physical affection? Hell we have a great sex life. That is not the problem. It's when we're not having sex. He occupies himself around me. It's like when we go out, I see him watching everyone. We go home, his eyes are glued to the t.v. he took me out for breakfast about a month ago and as we sat down he grabbed a newspaper! He didn't look at me till we were basically done. It's not even just about the emotional... its about talking... we make small talk. I am an intellectual I guess, so the thought of having a man be so oblivious to my needs and thank that it's acceptable in any way... it blows my mind.
Redhead35- It feels like brains turned to mush... That's the best way I can describe it. We use to talk for hours about things we were interested in. Now he would prefer to watch t.v. or have sex... which is awesome. But, that's not a relationship to me. I guess I've answered my own question.
Auburn- I agree, communication is a necessity. Without it, where does one know where the other stands? Yes, physical is "here and now" but the mental, can last a lifetime.

I don't ask for much- and I don't really think this is asking too much. I actually feel kind of confused by some of the things presented here. Like it's OK to be emotionally detached, because well he's a guy, they are allowed to be that way? I think that's just a cheap way of saying... 'I only care so much, take it or leave it.'

I guess I'm old fashioned... and I believe that a man can still be a man, but show his lady that she matters. My dad's the most "man's man," I've ever met. Hard-headed and one of the most careless people... but even he would say that you have to be emotional to some point... Love is an emotion.

Thanks for some of the weird advice.

Have you thought about seeing a relationship counselor? If he does in fact have some issue dealing with emotions, as certainly seems to be the case, perhaps this could help him learn to deal with his emotions?

I've thought of the idea... I'll have to ask him how he feels about that. Thank you unaffected.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by SilentScreams

I've thought of the idea... I'll have to ask him how he feels about that. Thank you unaffected.

---

From what you've said, it just sounds like you have a lot of good in your relationship, so why not try all avenues before abandoning?

Best of luck, and keep us updated :)

I wish I could think of all the avenues before abandoning the situation... but just "accepting" that he won't ever understand me is not one of them... I care for him... but I don't know what to do. He's 34 years old, besides me, I'm the only girlfriend he's had since he was in high school. I know he cares... He just wants to stand still. I'm ready to get married and have children and start our life together. I'm 25, he's 34... when will he be ready? I know no one can answer this but him, but I fear he doesn't even know. Thanks for your support and I will.

I feel like I've seen an influx of similar situations here recently!

(I have posted this on another thread, but will summarize here)

I was in a very similar relationship to what you have described, where most things were good, but emotionally my ex was vacant. He was ten years older than me, I was 23, him 33. We dated for 3 years. It took him the longest time to tell me he loved me. He finally did, though, which bought us a little more time. But the biggest downfall was that he never would FULLY commit to me. He didn't want me to get my mail at his house (where I was living!), would joke openly and loudly with coworkers and friends about never wanting to get married, etc. It became too much and I just gave up on it and moved on. I had put too much into it to wait around for years to see whether he would decide he wanted to marry or to have children.

Does he know you are ready to get married and to have children? What happens when that topic is brought up?

If you cannot accept a partner for the way they are, leave with no regrets, as its no shame for you not to be compatible for the long term, and it only brings misery to you both, holding on to something that has run its course, and is going nowhere fast.

People seldom change because of what you need, and the way you need them to be.

Good point Talaniman, thanks for your input. But is this necessarily a "who he is" kind of thing? Like he bites his nails, and that drives me insane but isn't that 'learned behavior', but aren't there any steps for us to come together in this? I mean, life is not black and white.

Unaffected- We talk about marriage, he indulges me with that. Usually he has positive comments towards it. Children, at first he wasn't ready... I mean, how weird to see a man freak out the way he did. Pulling out/Condoms. I had never been in a relationship that I wasn't "safe" in so I was pretty adament about protection... But after a while, even when I got on birth control he still wouldn't ejaculate inside of me. I think as time has gone by that he does want children, I just don't know if it's with me. We got to the point where if it happens, it happens. I am no longer on b.c. and he no longer pulls out.

I talked with him this morning. I had been making plans to go home to my 'rents for awhile to straighten things out with myself as well as our life, if we will have one together. He doesn't want me to leave but I know that if I stay here in this position I won't see the full picture. I do love him and I pray he loves me. And I hope that we can see eye to eye. I'm going to stop pushing my feelings down his throat and see where it gets us from here. I know I should stop making it seem like it's all his fault. A relationship consist of two people. I've just had a lot of bad relationships and 'no relationships until me' kind of makes it a difficult road.

I don't think either of us are ready for the relationship to end, and I don't think realizing that this is just who he is is the exact answer. I need something to meet in the middle here... I think I'm just rambling now. Thanks for all your time. I really do appreciate it.

Going home to your parents sounds like a good plan for now, to help you sort things out in your own head.

I hope you both figure out what you want and need.

The is a book that is referenced a couple of different times on this website, it's called "Love Languages".

There are five essential ways that people express affection for another.
Acts of Service
Words of Affirmation
Physical Touch
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts

Apparently you have determined that your partner's language is not Words of Affirmation, as he has a very difficult time connecting words and emotions. This is not that uncommon, but he probably has another language in which he is expressing his feelings for you. You are just not listening to him, the same as you feel he is not listening to you.

The book is very helpful for connecting two different love languages together in the same relationship.

Quote:

---

But aren't there any steps for us to come together in this? I mean, life is not black and white.

---

As Justy says it all about paying attention to each other, and establishing some sort of honest communication. That doesn't happen overnight, but is a process that takes willingness, and patients on both part.

Honesty starts with self though.

Silent,I must say that I am following your developments closely in your posts and you come across to be a perceptive,intelligent and mature person.I wasn't this cool-headed at 25:p

I think its brilliant that you are taking time off and distancing yourself from the situation on hand,in order to figure things out.You are doing the right thing since the person to benefit most out of this is you.Once you figure out what YOU want,you will feel more sorted and ready to take the next step.

All of us have said much and given some real solid,insightful advice but the winner of all is Tal's comments about not feeling any shame or regrets in taking a decision to leave,if you must.End of the day,in today's complex world,there's only so much emotional stress one can take and if a relationship is giving you more stress than peace,then its time to definitely have a re-look at it.