Ask Me Help Desk - Responsibilities of a step-mom

My fiancée and I have been together with my 12 year old daughter and our 6 month old son. Recently his 9 year old son decided to move in with us. My financee is a truck driver and is out of town a lot. His son is ADHD and a lot of work. Our baby was born pre-maturely and has a few medical problems which require a lot of my attention. He cries a lot too from the pain. My question is when my fiancée goes away for 3 to 4 days on a road trip, is it my responsibility to watch his son or should he go to his mom for this time frame?

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maamster

My fiancee and I have been together with my 12 year old daughter and our 6 month old son. Recently his 9 year old son decided to move in with us. My financee is a truck driver and is out of town a lot. His son is ADHD and a lot of work. Our baby was born pre-maturely and has a few medical problems which require a lot of my attention. He cries a lot too from the pain. My question is when my fiancee goes away for 3 to 4 days on a road trip, is it my responsibility to watch his son or should he go to his mom for this time frame?

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks!!

Well if he is helping raise your 12 year old child and doesn't expect you to send them away while he is home then you shouldn't expect him to send his child away when he is gone. You are in a relationship and when you married him you married his children also. The day you got together you took on the responsibility of mommy too. I am not trying to be prude but I have a very strong openion on that. I raise my step son and I also have a daughter that was born premature and my husband is only here maybe 3 hours a day before they go to bed so I know what you are going through. It is difficult I will give you that one but there was obvously a reason he left his mothers to be with you. That child must love you because he is with you and his father.

I don't believe you are even asking... of COURSE it is you job to care for and protect his child as if he were your own... the very fact you need to ask makes me feel you are unworthy of such a task. God forgive you, because as you spouse, I would not. Your vows to your "husband" also extend to his children. Suck it up Buttercup.

Your agony and sorrow over these children are quiet natural.Dont worry. You have to take care of all these children equally.consider the 9 yr old child as your own child and give more love and care to that child and make him to come to your own side.later he may find you as a loving mother and obey you and he may help you in taking care of your little child too.. here motherly love is very much needed to 9yr old son... BEST WISHES...

As I do agree with the above in that his children are an extension of him and you should care for them and love them, if you are simply being honest enough to admit that caring for your special needs infant is going to hinder you from being able to provide the adequate time and care that the 9 year old needs and deserves, or vice versa, then maybe in those situations his being with mom would be best. One special needs child is a lot and can sometimes take all you have, two may just be too overwhelming. I am not saying if people have two or more special needs children that you just throw one back or dump them off on someone else, but I think it is reasonable to appreciate the circumstances, the time and energy and the greatly needed extra help in those situations.

I think you should at least give it your best try though. That would be the ideal. Maybe it would serve you and the 9 year old well to do some serious research on ADHD and learn ways that can help you manage when he is with you. Talk to people how have children with ADHD, enlist some of your family members to help you on the days that you have them both alone. Taking him to mom may only end up making him feel rejected by you which I am sure you do not want. But if too much is just honestly too much it would be best for his needs to come first and for him to be taken care of in the best environment for him, which may be mom. I would definitely explain that it is not you rejecting him though, that you do love him and as soon as dad comes home and can help more with everything he (the son) will come right back.

I would definitely talk to your husband and find out what his feelings on it all are. Let him know you feel overwhelmed but that you want his son to get the best care for him.

Now that I have said that if you just don't want to deal with him (which I am obviously assuming is not the reason for your question)... I am all for vlee's advice... suck it up buttercup!

I have to disagree with the previous posts. I think that their opinions are one of the reasons blended families have a higher rate of divorce. No one is honest with themselves. Everyone thinks that you are supposed to magically transform into a super parent when it comes to step-kids. And people lose sight of the actually marriage. Bottom line. He is not yours. You did not have any say when he was brought into this world. Why should he be your responsibility now? The whole idea of him staying at his father's house is to see his FATHER. Not you! Care for him, be fair to him, love him if you get to that point. But he is not your responsibility. He has two parents.

I agree with jrkeyes. I'm in the same boat with my 2 yr old st.daughter and when her father is mandatoried to work the wkend when she normally comes over, I have begun to say no, I will no watch her, because she throws too many tantrums when he is not home because she is angry. She comes to see him, not me. I did try for awhile but she does not want me, she wants her dad. She can stay with her mother, that is the best situation for everyone.

With a new baby who is sick, and 2 other children it is HARD. No matter what the circumstances, whether they were all your children or NONE of them were its still hard. And there is NOTHING wrong with ask his mom if he can stay over at her place for a few days while dad is gone. It will give him time to spend with his mother and help you manage the sick baby.