I am so very sad over the relationship with my daughters. I have been divorced for 6 years and my x-husband does not have a relationship with me. I say we have to have a relationship because we have the children. Am I so terrible that he can't even have a relationship for the sake of the children?

My daughter Shelby got angry with me over a year ago and we had a huge fight and I told her she had to leave, she went to her fathers. Then she moved in with him. I was angry with her... she was never home to help with anything and always at her boyfriends... her room was a mess most of the time and when I would ask her to help she would not help. Our apt was small and we all got on each others nerves. Shelby moved in with her father... hey both rarely spoke to me... I told her father I was angry because she was not helping, keeping her room a mess and leaving me with a mess constantly... I finally just BLEW. Well she moved back in with me when I got a new house with more room. Asked if she could have a cat I said No... she continued to "hound me" and then had her boyfriend ask me for a cat as well. I gave in against my better judgement and was just beat down. I had gone through a recent break up with a boyfriend and felt emotionally drained. The cat pooped and peed in the house... I told Shelby I can"t take it... the cat has to go... she would say "mom... please look how cute he is... I love him so much" this went on for 3 months. I continued to clean up the poop and felt angrier and angrier. I finally blew when I found cat poop behind the big screen TV. 8 pikes to be exact. I took the cat to another neighborhood down the street and let it out. I told my daughter he ran away. I felt guilty and told her the truth. She got very angry and has not spoken to me in 3 weeks. She moved into her boyfriends house and is now saying she is moving back in with her father. They both think I am a real heartless awful person.

My daughter Bailey is in college and we have had a hard relationship as well... she was very angry with me over the divorce and moved in with her father when we divorced for a mulitude of reason... I wanted her to clean her room help out around house, be respectful and not stay out too late. She hated my rules and moved to her fathers.

Bailey and I have had a very hard time anytime I tried to establish a relationship I had to walk on egg shell around her because you never know when she would blow up or just get mad and leave or hang up on me. She is 22 and in college now we are doing somewhat better but I went to visit her at college to see her new apartment and she was stoned when I got there. I asked her if she was she said yes. I felt really sad and disappointed. I called her the next day to try and talk to her tell her I was concerned. She became angry and hung up on me. I texed her and said I was concerned... she said I was rude and to leave her alone that we do not have a relationship. I said we really need to talk and not over text messages. We have not talked since.


My question is I seem to find myself in very difficult situations with my girls and I have a 14 year old and I am afraid the same thing will happen again. When they get mad at me they talk to each other and then talk to their dad and then it all blows up... I end up so angry and frustrated... hurt... alone... closed out... don't know how to fix it... every time I try to do anything it gets worse... I end up calling my x- and trying to explain to him what is going on... I end up looking STUPID... like I am talking to a wall and I am the bad guy AGAIN! I am so hurt... I loved my girls so much and they shut me out... and I am hurt, angry, frustrated and don't know what to do?

I live in Cincinnati alone no family, all my family is in Indiana and I am / have been struggling so much and at the same time trying to date some... my x- never dates and I feel like I look so STUPID and bad in everyone's eyes because I do try and date and fail... but you have to try to find the right person. I was married for 20 years and felt so unloved by my X... so alone most of that time. I feel I can't win.


Can anyone see anything in what I am saying? I have made mistakes... speeding tickets... changed jobs in order to move up and make more money... tried dating... still trying... wanting to have good realtionships with kids but all ROAD BLOCKS... I feel like I am a mess and I make a mess of everything. I am so sad and I feel like giving up... just going away.

First of all, I'm a bit upset with you and I'm not your daughter. You took your child's cat and just dumped it somewhere? Are you really surprised that your child was angry about that? I would have been livid. That cat is a breathing, living, feeling being and you just threw it out like trash!

We rarely get the whole story when people come here to ask questions and I have to say that I don't think we're getting the whole story here. Just basing my opinion on what you did with the cat, because someone who could do something like that is capable of a lot of other things.

Are you sure that you're really being as fair and loving as you seem to think you are? Your children chose to live with their father for a reason, you have to wonder why.

Yes, sometimes children can have problems and cause problems in the family, but all of them?

You need to get help dealing with your own feelings, I would also suggest parenting classes.

Well, maybe I deserved that comment. I don't know. I just know that I was unable to deal with the poop in my house and I was cleaning up the messes. I felt like I told Shelby to take the cat. I hope I am not a terrible person... I feel like I have been run over and I really did have to get he cat out of the house. I realize I should have told her to have it out by a certain date then taken it to the pound. I was really at a breaking point.

I think your comment was a little harsh... I have been beating myself up enough... some people are animal people and some people are not. I happen to not be in the animal category. Thank you for your perspective though.

Greetings and WELCOME to the site, sadallthetime!

I moved your question out of Introductions to this forum topic area so that it will be more likely to be noticed and addressed by those who are best able to answer it. Your question will get noticed much more here.

Introductions is for people to introduce themselves only, and we try to not ask questions there. We would appreciate it if you would return to Introductions sometime to tell us a little bit about yourself, if you would be willing to do that.

I do note, that your question already received a response while it was in Introductions.

Thanks!

Thank you, for helping me out with that.

You're welcome!

You'll be likely now to get many responses to your post.

Thanks!

The answer I got from the previous person has really got me spinning. I was at a breaking point. I felt like I was going to fall apart. I am not a real animal lover, I like People... I hope I am not capable of terrible things... I believe I have good and bad in me. I try to be good... I heve felt very sad over the loss of my relationship with my girls... if is on and off.. I just can't see it all very clearly... I was married for 20 years... I tried really hard and felt so lonely... now I am single and lonely. I just don't know... things are not working out like I had hoped. I want harmony and peace but it seems like things get out of control and we end up in turmoil... I feel like I make things worse... The cat thing was a bad move... I was really upset and just snapped. I think my daughter will never forgive me. Her boyfriend won't and his parents will not. I am now known for this and I feel ashamed but at the same time I could not take it anymore. I am renting this house with a lease option to buy and I was in jepordy of losing the house. I feel like these days I am only able to handle only a small amount of stress. I plan to go to counselor and talk out some of this. The problem with all of us is nothing ever seems to really come to terms... it just lingers... I feel like I am on the most hated list at this point. How I feel is that no one really listens to me and I get my feelings hurt easily these days... I am confused with kid issues and jugeling everything. I am sad and do impulsive things sometimes when I get angry... especially if I feel no one is listening to me and the problem keeps getting worse.

Hi again, sadallthetime!

A couple of things that I think that you do, is that you over-analiyze things and try to take on responsibility that really isn't yours.

We can't be responsible for that for which we can't be responsible.

All of your children, except one, are grown. Do you think that there is a way for you to start over with them without having all of this "stuff" from the past getting in the way?

Thanks!

I've been there. You're not alone feeling that way. This site is a good place to share your feelings and get feedback. When you're feeling really vulnerable, sometimes it's hard to take all of the feedback with a grain of salt.

The cat issue, the poster who got you spinning is someone who is very concerned with animals, their care and rights as living beings. I do too. My house is a veritable zoo. But in the past, I have dumped cats. In the past I was less experienced and educated. I didn't know what else to do at that moment, and panic set in.

When a drowning victim walks over the bodies of other drowning victims, they aren't a terrible person, just in a panic to survive. That's what I hear from you. You're trying to get along in spite of the loneliness and sadness and fear.

A counselor is a good place to start. There are also groups where you can meet with other struggling parents and talk about things that happen in your life.

What I heard was "my kids don't listen to me." The cat for example, wasn't yours. Picking up after its messes was not your job, but your daughter's. Cleaning and picking up after herself is her job too. You didn't say how old she is but after a certain age, she needs to learn how to take care of herself.

Feeling lonely in spite of being married, (then divorced) with children is your issue though. It isn't your job to make them happy. It isn't your children's job to make you happy and be your friend. What is your job is to be their manager/parent and to learn to be happy with yourself.

Respect yourself and demand that they respect you too. It's your house, your rules. They don't have to be pleased with you or your rules. But you do.

Thank you, I don't know. I feel like I have tried and I make it worse. I want so bad to have good relationships. I feel like the bottom has dropped out and I am just crying. When I get like that I say things that are hurtful... lke I can't take this anymore... and I should move home. I feel worthless. I know in reality that those are my emotions talking but I really need to process them with someone... I try to reach out to my girls and they are upset and ry to place the blame on me and then I defend myself and I start to feel cornered.

I have had more than one person tell me I take too much responsibility for things... I seem to do OK then when the stress comes from all angles... like job, kids, x-husband, and a dating relationship that is not going so well... that's when I fall apart.


Should I not respong when I am feeling like that? I do know I need to get back with my therapst... money has been tight and my jb and my youngest daughters volleyball is demanding. I know I have made some mistakes in my life... maybe I should have stayed married and took up knitting? I don't know. I just know I am sad and right now there is no answer. I appreciate you talking to me... I don't know how to appoach the subjects when you make people mad. You try to say you are sorry or explain yourself and it never is good enough. I know I am rambeling... I should go to bed I just keep crying and need to talk.

It is like I have to start at ground zero again and build myself back up... gather my strength so I can keep going. I feel like I am damned in what ever I do. I want to be able to talk through things but it seems imossible with my two older girls... I try and they bring up my mistakes... we get nothing resolved. Shelby is a little easier than Bailey... Bailey suts me out she will not talk she gets defensive and closes off from me and does not try to reconnect. Shelby does that too... but she is not as hard as Bailey.

I know I get preocupied sometimes with work, dating, problems... I usually need to process them or they fester and I feel bogged down.

I know I need to spend a little more time with girls... just hanging out or going to a movie... seem like when I ask they don't want to and or are busy.

sorry I am writing so much. And my spell check is not working...

Simon, Thank you so much... just getting a little support from hose of you who are responding is very warming to me. Your right I need to get some support. I have been trying to date because I was feeling a little stronger emotionally but... in reality it really took me down.

I am happy with myself for the most part although I know I get lonely and make some poor decisions. My daughters are 22, 20 and 14. I am still guilty over the divorce and feel bad for breaking up my family. I feel like I tried really hard... I felt very unsupported by my hsband and very alone. I know I probably put too much on him for my happiness... I am trying to work on that... I wish he and I had a better woking relationship for the kids. But he really shut me out. I know he was just hurting too.

Sorry my typing and grammar are not the greatest... I am really more intersted in getting these feeling out so that I can possible move forward with more clarity of mind and actions. Thank you for your hep!! It is very much appreciated!

It is often so, that within families, like sexes clash. How many times have you heard of a young girl crying to daddy because mommy was mean, or of a momma's boy. The fact that the girls would rather be with their father than mother is a common one. My parents split when I was 6 or 7, and since then my sister has treated my mother worse than most can imagine.

My father died when I was 13, but my sister still highly regards him. The odd part of this is she is a couple of years younger than me. She barely knew him when they split and only saw him about once a month after that. Even so, she still (going off to college now) cleaves to his memories and also to my stepfather far more than my mother.

This tension is created by a two way street. My mother has her faults as well. They both have a love hate relationship with each other. Many times I have heard that my mother was beyond angry with my sister, and with every right. As a result though, she responded in much the same manner that was making her angry.

The snobby attitude, back talking, and blatant disobedience has driven my mother to the edge over and over. That's not mentioning the drug use, sex, and other such incidences. Every time I see these interactions, I am astounded with my mother as well. She will get just as angry with my sister's anger and uses the same tone of voice and yells at her just as much as she is doing herself. (Sorry for the numerous pronouns).

Even worse, when my mother is remaining calm, it is because she shuts my sister out. Maybe it's the only way she can remain cool. Every time they fight, her response is inadequate.

I think proper discipline at a younger age would have solved the disrespect, but the reactions my sister has towards my mother are of her own doing. My mother constantly blames my sister's friends, her experiences with her biological father, and many other environmental factors to be the problem. She, until recently, could never understand the reasons these things occurred.

When I was young, my step father taught me that its okay to be angry but never to act because of it. Its always better to have a delayed response than an uncontrolled one.

Your children will never understand your anger or frustration through their own. When anger takes over someone, even parents, they fail to clearly see the problem and attack the person. You can never help someone by attacking them; you have to do it by attacking their problem.

I don't think that you are unreasonable or a horrible parent, but rather you have a few issues, just like every other person in the world. Comparisons are useless, so that is never an excuse for not doing the right thing.

I agree with a previous post, that the older two seem to out of your hands now, but the younger one still has a chance. No matter your method of discipline you must be firm and consistent. Your child will never understand how much it hurts you to be the corrector until they have children of their own; but this is necessary and they will realize it someday and respond with love.

Never yell at your child, I know its hard not to, but leaving the room to cool off and then returning with a firm decree is a far more productive method. No matter how great your frustration, you must treat you child with the same kind of respect and attention that you'd expect from another adult. You cannot give in however to their unreasonable requests. Remember its your house with your rules, and you make them out of love, not hate.

I hate to be sexist, but male guidance is essential in any child's growth, especially a young girl's. I wouldn't recommend spending large amounts of your energy trying to find a boyfriend, that will happen as fate decides. If it is possible, try to find a fatherly figure, school, church, family, or in some other location. She will need someone that she respects and can look to in order to know how she is to be treated by other males in the world. This person should be someone you know and respect, and isn't afraid to call her on her wrongs, but in a loving manner. For my sister this was her grandfather: Always giving, Always loving, and Always nudging in the right direction.

You are not around to make deals with your children. There can not ever be "you have been doing good so I've lessened your punishment" or "if you do this I'll do this." That's not consistent parenting and it teaches them there is price to everything. You should respond to everything they do with undying love, and expect they do as they're told out of respect and because you're in charge. You can also never boast your doings. You can't tell your children, you are going to do this because I provide a life for you or I deserve at least this.

The only thing you can demand is honor, respect, and love. The rest will come out of that. It is essential, that you do the same for her.

You can never be afraid to say your are sorry for getting angry or doing something out of anger, and try to correct it when possible. Don't try to buy her love back though, just mend the problem. Don't forget that sometimes mending the problem does include ice cream, but not always. It is good to realize that all things have a balance, don't over do anything, and don't neglect anything either.

Try to talk to her about your problems with her. Sit down when you've had time to think about it, take notes if you have to to keep your thoughts straight, and tell her that something's need to change. If she gets mad and storms off, give her some space. Then try again where you left off when she can handle it better. You must commit to her just as much as yourself that things of the past need to be resolved and the rules for the future are set in stone and will have set in stone consequences.

To start the ball rolling, it wouldn't hurt to sit down with her and say you're sorry for not dealing with her the right way, and that you're trying your best to change. Also explain that from now on things will be different and you promise respect and demand the same. Be nice. This is a resolution not a list of her problems.

That's all I have for now... I hope this will help.

Sorry for the long post...