Ask Me Help Desk - My girlfriend wants to have sex with me, but is too scared

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 years. We both are crazy in love with each other, but we are having a bit of an issue. We are both at the stage where we would really like to have sex with one another. We have fooled around, done virtually everything but the actual deed. We have talked about it, but here is the issue. She is terribly terrified of getting pregnant. Horrified. She has no real desire to have kids, and she is also 18 years old (I as well). If we fool around and I ejaculate, even remotely near her, she is worried all month until she gets her period. She is currently on birth control, and we have talked about how I will use protection as well, along with pulling out as well. We have 3 tiers of protection, but she knows that she won't be able to handle it. Im not pressuring her at all, and I am truly happy with her how things are, but it's frusturating her, and I really want to help. I have shown her the math and the likely hood, but she feels even with the slightest chance, it would worry her. The issue may be she has never done it before, but, Im not sure. Please help, or tell me if you (other women) go through the same things

I got pregnant on the pill, using a condom and a spermicide. It was the second time I'd had sex.

Her fears are NOT irrational.

There are plenty of things you can do to satisfy each other and NOT have sex. I suggest you focus on THOSE things until you are both ready to be parents.

Nothing is 100%. She has every right to be scared. Read every label and nothing out there will claim to be 100% effective. There is one thing and that's what your doing. Just don't do it at all. You can show your love and explore your sexuality in other ways without intercourse.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Synnen

I got pregnant on the pill, using a condom and a spermicide. It was the second time I'd had sex.

Her fears are NOT irrational.

There are plenty of things you can do to satisfy each other and NOT have sex. I suggest you focus on THOSE things until you are both ready to be parents.

You both a bit avoided the question. Im not saying her fear is irrational, she is. Second off, she has no desire, ever, to be a parent. She wants to have sex, but she wants to not be so worried. My question is how to help with that

I guess she needs to understand there is no safety with sex other then not doing it. If you both want to go ahead to that next level then there is that chance. I don't know what your asking I guess. That you both want to have sex and she is afraid to get pregnant? Well there is that chance your taking. So either your going to risk it because you love each other, or you just avoid it all together.

I am sorry maybe somehow I am misunderstanding you but this is how I am reading it.

I didn't avoid your answer.

If she's afraid of getting pregnant, then having sex isn't the cure for that.

If she REALLY wants to have sex, then SHE needs to accept the risk.

And I don't know how to tell you to get past that fear--because it's a very real, very valid fear---she SHOULD be afraid of getting pregnant if she doesn't want to be.

Sounds to me like her fear of pregnancy is greater than her desire to have sex---which is exactly where it SHOULD be if she doesn't want to be a parent.

She could TRY counseling, but the point is that if you have sex, you risk getting pregnant. Period. If she's not willing to take that risk, then she shouldn't be having sex anyway.

Another update (sorry if necroposting). Still no update in the relationship, feeling a bit down, so thought Id express it here to maybe get some advice. My girlfriend and I were talking today, she was telling me about all these horror stories she heard today about being pregnant and such, and how it freaked her out. She looked at me and said "I never am going to have sex, ever. Id just be to afraid." I just smiled and laughed a little, but on the inside, I felt like I died a little. I really do love her and care about her, but it hurt me to hear that. I don't view sex as something that is just pleasurable, but I view it as a act of true and pure intamacy, trust, and love for one another. I heard this quote today, summed up how I feel on the topic "every once in a while, every once in a while two people meet and there's that spark. And yes B, he's handsome and she's beautiful and maybe that's all they see at first, but making love? Making love, that's when two people become one." Im not going to credit it, because its from a popular TV show, but in all honesty it doesn't matter. My point is I just want that connection, that bond. When we fool around together, the one time that I was able to get her comfortable being alone, I felt a very very strong connection, and I loved it, not just because we both felt good, but because I was with the girl I whole heartedly love.

And its not like this is all due to a lack of trying. I was able to get her to come down to my dorm, and that's the time described above. But every attempt after that has been thwarted, and maybe on a subconsious level, but I feel, whether its true or not, its been on purpose. For the past 5 weeks we've talked about her coming down during the weekend. Every time I spend about 2 hours getting everything nice and prepared, but every time its something different. The first she began crying uncontrollably when we arrived at my dorm after driving for an hour, because my school is in one of the most dangerous cities in the US (nice area, not so nice city overall, so she is just going off stories about the more ghetto areas), and it was devil's night. So I took her home, obviously quiet frustrated after spending all that time and effort and excitiment. Then the weeks to follow it continued, whether it was that she couldn't find a reason to leave the house (though we leave unnanounced all the time), she just didn't want to etc. One time when we were planning on going, her family left the house, and we fooled around for a minute (litterally) and she decided she felt to nervous someone would come in, so we stopped, and then she told me she was done (like she had orgasmed and such) and wasn't really turned on anymore. Of course I was left blue balled. She felt guilty, but really made no effort or consideration to 'take care of the issue'.

She is well aware she is an incredibly anxious person, and I just feel a bit frusterated. I don't want to pressure her or upset her, but I just am getting very upset, because, irrationally so, I feel like she doesn't truly trust me, that she doesn't want to be intimate with me, that she (this is just how I feel, not what I believe or know) doesn't love me as much as I thought she did.

She called me up last night at 4am in tears about a dream she had where I cheated on her. It is way too complicated to explain, but she started to feel guilty about not being intimate in that way enough with me. In all honesty, for the most part, we don't fool around at all, because between school and other things, she is too tired to want to go anywhere, and she is too uncomfortable at home. So she was telling me how bad she felt, and that she felt like I may want to (not that I ever would, she doesn't think I would, just was saying) cheat, because of the fact we haven't been doing very much. I comforted her, and told her the only person I ever wanted to be intimate was with her, and I can't even imagine anyone else.

Its all just very frusterating. It just makes me feel unwanted, when I want her so bad. And on top of it, it makes me feel like a disgusting pig. It makes me feel like Im someone who just wants sex, though I know its more. Its just when I really do want it, and she has such mixed emotions about it, I just end up feeling bad about it.

I know this is a big wall of text, but Im feeling low, and I could use some advice. She wants sex as well, but her fear is really crippling her, and it is to a degree hurting me. I love her, and I just want to show her that.
Please help,
Fault

How about going TOGETHER to her doctor and talking about birth control methods?

I think there's something there for her besides the fear of getting pregnant. I don't know if it's abuse, or rape, or what... but she's got something mentally blocking her besides just her fear of getting pregnant.

I really suggest that she see a counselor about it. I honestly don't know if there is ANYTHING you can do except try to tell her how her reactions make YOU feel.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Synnen

How about going TOGETHER to her doctor and talking about birth control methods?

I think there's something there for her besides the fear of getting pregnant. I don't know if it's abuse, or rape, or what...but she's got something mentally blocking her besides just her fear of getting pregnant.

I really suggest that she see a counselor about it. I honestly don't know if there is ANYTHING you can do except try to tell her how her reactions make YOU feel.

All right well thanks for the opinions. In all honesty she has some trust issues. She always was a daddys girl, her dad was her best friend, but her dad started beating her mom (they are divorced now), and then he got remarried, started a new family, and she feels forgotten. Also she has had bfs in the past who cheated on her.

Idk what to do, but thanks for the advice

Fault

I have to say this.

It sounds like she has issues, but, if she doesn't want children there are only a few ways of making sure this doesn't happen.

1. Don't have sex.

2. Have your tubes tied.

3. You boyfriend has a vasectomy.

Seeing as she's only 18, her only option to guarantee that she won't get pregnant is number 1. No legal doctor will perform 2 or 3 on an 18 year old.

You have to decide is a sexless relationship, with her in her current mindset, is okay with you until you're eligible for option 2 or 3.

I think you both need counseling about the pros and cons of sex only then you will understand how it goes about

It will teach both you you when to have sex without getting pregneant

Quote:

it will teach both you you when to have sex without getting pregneant

No it can teach you the times you are less likely to get pregnant.
There is no time where you CAN'T get pregnant, heck a girl can even get pregnant during her period.

Sex without condom or any method of birth control is like gambling your whole future away. If you guys stayed together for two years without actually having an intercourse, but had some other sexual activities and was satisfied, why change? You don't need to have sex to love each other. Don't feel rejected and unwanted because she doesn't want both of you to throw away the future. By the way even with birth control it's not a fool proof. I've seen on cable reality shows some women getting pregnant because condom popped or the birth control didn't work.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2ndTime

Sex without condom or any method of birth control is like gambling your whole future away. If you guys stayed together for two years without actually having an intercourse, but had some other sexual activities and was satisfied, why change? You don't need to have sex to love each other. Don't feel rejected and unwanted because she doesn't want both of you to throw away the future. By the way even with birth control it's not a fool proof. I've seen on cable reality shows some women getting pregnant because condom popped or the birth control didn't work.

We have several members HERE that have gotten pregnant despite using as many as THREE types of birth control at the same time. So they just aren't another face on the TV.

All right here's another update, don't know how this all pans out.

The other day, we were fooling around for a few min, and then I went to go finger her, and she made the comment about not being to 'soaking wet' so I figured I would rub her until she was ready for me. I rubbed her for maybe a min or so, and then she tells me to stop, saying she was 'all dried out' because I 'took too long'. She got made saying that I should have just done it, and that I was just being lazy and she was just telling me what to do. But in all honesty, I was trying to get it so I wouldn't hurt her (its happened before on accident when she wasn't wet enough). She then says to me that I don't do enough to sexually satisfy her, and she doesn't want to give me another opportunity. Im sure this is just an exageration, but once again this week we talked about coming to my dorm, and today she said 'I don't want to go because of yesterday. To me its like if I punched you in the crotch, and then tried to jack you off'. Idk, I really wanted to get her off, and I didn't want to hurt her, but I just don't know. Im very frusterated, and I really think some mutual release would help us both, but she just absolutely refuses

Oh Fault I am sorry to hear this. At this point I don't know what to tell you. Your not sexually satisfying her? That made me smile because what is she doing for you? Nothing.

If she isn't getting wet enough is she OK with oral? That's another option if she is willing.

I think now she really needs to be an adult and sit back and look at both sides. Your bending over back wards for this girl and your doing everything you can to make her comfortable and in return your getting criticized.

I hope she realizes what a gem of a catch you are. I know there are not many men out there that would be patient this long. She needs to open up if there are problems, look for other options or just walk away and let you move on. You're a good man.

Get a copy of "The Sensuous Man". I read my big brother's copy when I was 16, and it really helped me understand what it is that women want, and need, sexually.

It will help you with all aspects of your sex life, but it will not help her relax enough as to allow you to penetrate her. She needs counseling. Not for the sex issue, but for the problems she has been through concerning her family.

Get that book, read it, study it, learn from it.

If you do what is says in that book, you will be a sexual dynamo.

Sounds like both of them have little knowledge about sex, and about "taking to long" for heavens sake they need to learn about foreplay.

I would say to the boy, have a talk with your dad or antoher older male you can talk with,

Quote:

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

Oh Fault I am sorry to hear this. At this point I dont know what to tell you. Your not sexually satisfying her? That made me smile because what is she doing for you? Nothing.

If she isnt getting wet enough is she ok with oral? Thats another option if she is willing.

I think now she really needs to be an adult and sit back and look at both sides. Your bending over back wards for this girl and your doing everything you can to make her comfortable and in return your getting criticized.

I hope she realizes what a gem of a catch you are. I know there are not many men out there that would be patient this long. She needs to open up if there are problems, look for other options or just walk away and let you move on. Your a good man.

Sorry I didn't clarify my last post, there's no damn edit button on this site. We were at her house and her mom was downstairs, so I couldn't go down on her, though when there is an opportunity, Im more than happy to go down. Thank you for your kind words as well

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fault

Sorry I didnt clarify my last post, theres no damn edit button on this site. We were at her house and her mom was downstairs, so I couldnt go down on her, though when there is an opportunity, Im more than happy to go down. Thank you for your kind words as well

Get a hotel room and learn about each other's bodies. Remember to properly use birth control even without 'sex'. Just feel and explore with no expectations other than being together and relaxing.

If she isn't open to that then I don't think she ever will be.

Right now with mom's house and mom downstairs or a dorm where neighbors can hear everything is not conducive to taking time and getting used to what each other needs.

Frustration and trying to 'get it over with' will only hurt the relationship as you are learning.

Editted to add: the edit feature becomes available after a certain number of posts.