Blatant racism in America
In honor of excon, I have spent this weekend doing some introspection, trying to find my inner racist and get rid of it. This was, after all, the weekend of Rosh Hashana, the beginning of the 10 Days of Repentance in Judaism. So I looked hard and deep... and I found that there are indeed strong and blatant forms of racism in the USA that I have been a part of and accepted for my entire life.
Therefore, I propose the following changes to American culture.
1) We need to stop using "K"s to indicate a strikeouts in baseball. The use of KKK to indicate a pitcher's effectivness in the game is clearly racist and harkens back to Major League Baseball's long connection with the Klu Klux Klan.
2) On every shelf of every paint store in the USA, white paint and black paint are kept sepparate from each other. Segregation ended in the 60s and 70s, and we should not be segregating our colors that way.
3) The term "Black Bear" for the Ursus americanus, a very large omnivorous animal that lives throughout most of North America, is racist. The next time you are being chased by an angry or hungry bear of this type, know that your fear is race-based, due solely to the name that WHITE scientists gave this bear. Stop being such a racist and try to make friends with the bear.
4) Watching TV shows like Dukes of Hazzard is racist, since they use the Confederate Flag as part of the show's symbology, and such symbols are racist by nature. The next time you admire a cute girl in a pair of Daisy Dukes, know that you are admiring a racist form of clothing associated with a racist flag.
5) Archie Bunker... nuff said.
6) If you like the TV show The Jeffersons (the spinoff from Archie Bunker), you are as much of a racist as if you like Archie Bunker. After all, here's the story of a Black man who managed to get out of the ghetto and move into a nice apartment on the Upper East Side of Manhattan... the high rent district. But what does he do for a living? He owns a dry cleaning business. Even though he managed to get out of the 'hood, he's still doing Whitey's laundry. That's racist. If you call yourself a non-racist, you should stop watching that show in reruns.
7) If you are a white person who has ever eaten a Ritz "Cracker"... good for you. You are self-effacing enough to be called a non-racist. But if you have ever eaten a "Black and White" cookie... watch out. You're a segregationist. Keeping the white and black frosting apart is racist in the extreme. Avoid these cookies at all cost.
8) Ditto for Oreo Cookies. Call your senator and have them start an investigation of Kraft Foods, makers of the Oreo Cookie, on charges of racism.
9) If you have ever worn black to a funeral, you are clearly racist. What you are saying is that you associate "black" with death and that you want to relegate "black" to the cemeteries. This practice must stop. Instead, everyone should dress in bright colors to go to a funeral. At the very least, it would make the event more festive, and would keep the racism to a minimum.
10) If you have ever referred to the Plague as "The Black Death" you are a racist. Especially since most of the people who died of the plague were WHITE... it should have been named "The Whitey Death". Naming this deadly disease "black" is an insult to Blacks and an attempt to psychologically instill fear of the Black man in people. Therefore, all historical references to "The Black Death" should be purged and replaced with something more benign... like "The Great Pestilence" or "The Really, Really Bad Disease That Killed 60% of Europe's Population In The Fifteenth Century".
11) Black & Decker tools... nuff said.
If we all make these little changes to our lives, I'm sure we can properly eliminate any traces of racism from the American mindset in short order. We'll even be able to satisfy the most sensitive members of our culture, like excon, Maurene Dowd, and Jimmy Carter.
Elliot
