Ask Me Help Desk - Trust Issues

My husband and I have been married 5 years this month. He lives 750 miles away from me and our two small daughters they are 3 and 4 yrs. I am going to Pharmacy school and he is active duty military so if I want to pursue this career we have to make this sacrifice right now and just get through it. The problem is that early on in our marriage, while I was pregnant, he cheated on me, while we were living apart. I found out a year later and cheated on him 3 times with 3 different guys. I know how sick and disgusting it is that I didn't just leave him and did that to myself and my husband to deal with it but I was kind of a screwed up person at the time and couldn't see living my life without him and I just thought if I hurt him as much as he hurt me, then I could stay with him. He also cheated on me about over a year later when he deployed to Iraq. I found out about that by snooping around on his email and cheated on him 2 more times. Once again, I found a world of self-hatred in my actions but then I could justify staying with him because I had wronged him more that he'd wronged me. So, now we're living apart and I have been trying to trust him and feel comfortable with him going out and not reporting to me every few hours. The other night he walked to the corner store with his friend, offered this girl to use his bottle opener because she needed one, then she stayed at his apartment with him and his friends for a while, they all went to the bar. When they got back he tells me that he made her go back to the corner store, and he went to sleep. Then he said she came back 2 hours later asking if she could use his phone and if he could maybe give her a ride to her boyfriends house. So, he gave her a ride but no one was there, he brought her back to his place and they hung out for a little while, he says he went to sleep and she then left walking to go to her grandmother's house. Also, when she took off she stole his cell phone which kept him from calling me for about 5 days. He did however get ahold of me by email after about 2 days only to lie to me about what had happened and then later on he decided to tell me this story. I just think I could use an outside perspective on this. I deeply love my husband. I also realize that I cannot stay in a relationship where my trust is going to be broken time and time again. We have 2 children, we have not really had much of an opportunity to live together and really work on our relationship. We got married too soon and now I have my education and he has his job in the military keeping us apart for now. Should I wait until we can live together before I make any decisions about staying or leaving or should I cut my losses before more betrayal happens. I am unwilling to resume the role of the cheating wife in order to stay involved with my husband. I want an honest relationship. Oh you, also about a week before this happened with this girl needing a ride. I went out with my sister, we were drinking and after the bar closed we wanted to drink some more so I called this guy from these apartments where I work and we went to his house and drank some wine with him. I knew this was a bad idea because this guy had tried to get me to kiss him before and told me he thought I was attractive. My sister and I went there and drank and while she was in the bathroom he rushed up on me and kissed me and I told him to stop and he tried to keep pushing himself on me. I told my husband about it after he told me about this girl from the corner store and now I feel like I should forgive him and give him another chance because I did something horrible to him to just the week before. I know this is really screwed up but some sound advice would help. Thanks

What I see here is that you've both got into a pattern that you can't seem to change. Cheating retaliation, cheating retaliation. I lost count of the amount of times you both cheated and retaliated.

What I would also say is that people that genuinely LOVE each other, don't do this to each other.

I think that your marriage is in deep trouble. Neither of you understand why you behave like this and although you say you want things to change, you still put yourself in situations where 'things happen'. Neither of you seem to have the capacity for discretion and discernment and neither of you seem to be really considering the effect that this cheating, partying and drinking has on your children.

I can only assume, and hope, that you are both very young.

If you genuinely want this to work then I suggest that you need to see a counselor. Go and see one on your own (I'm sure the military has a service it offers) and begin to work through your motivations and behavior so that you can develop the capacity for self-analysis and you can eventually decide if the marriage is worth saving.

Once trust in a relationship is broken, it's hard to re-establish. You may want to have an honest marriage, but first you must start by being utterly honest with yourself and changing the way you behave.

Quote:

I deeply love my husband.

Really?
Enough to stop this cycle of stupidity?
I think it is time you both grew up and started concentrating on your children.
You are all cheating.. that is not love!
Leave each other and do what you are supposed to do ,unite as parents to give your kids a good life.
Your relationship is dead or at least so damaged it has no chance of resurrection.
Grow up!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gemini54

What I see here is that you've both got into a pattern that you can't seem to change. Cheating retaliation, cheating retaliation. I lost count of the amount of times you both cheated and retaliated.

What I would also say is that people that genuinely LOVE each other, don't do this to each other.

I think that your marriage is in deep trouble. Neither of you understand why you behave like this and although you say you want things to change, you still put yourself in situations where 'things happen'. Neither of you seem to have the capacity for discretion and discernment and neither of you seem to be really considering the effect that this cheating, partying and drinking has on your children.

I can only assume, and hope, that you are both very young.

If you genuinely want this to work then I suggest that you need to see a counselor. Go and see one on your own (I'm sure the military has a service it offers) and begin to work through your motivations and behavior so that you can develop the capacity for self-analysis and you can eventually decide if the marriage is worth saving.

Once trust in a relationship is broken, it's hard to re-establish. You may want to have an honest marriage, but first you must start by being utterly honest with yourself and changing the way you behave.

There are acting like teenagers! It blows my mind.Where are the kids when all this is going on?
Can't rep,you know rules,

Give me a break. I can't deal with selfish parents.

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Originally Posted by artlady

There are acting like teenagers! It blows my mind.Where are the kids when all this is going on?
Can't rep,ya know rules,

Give me a break. I can't deal with selfish parents.

Ha! Had to spread the rep as well, but I utterly concur.

I couldn't read all of this OP. It got too repetitive.

I have 2 choices to offer you, brooks. Either put the kids up for adoption, divorce, and get sterilized so you don't hurt anybody else this way or GROW UP THE BOTH OF YOU.

Sorry to be blunt but you can spend thousands of words justifying yourself to yourself and you're still scarring those kids.

Artlady, I had to spread the rep, but I agree about how they are acting.

Brooks, you both need to stop drinking. Alcohol doesn't help you make good choices when you are already in a cycle of stupidity. It's a huge red flag when you feel the need to continue drinking at some guy's house (who has already made passes at you) after the bar closes. That's when you go home, if not long before.

For future reference and relationships, there are better ways to handle being lonely and a part from your mate than having intercourse with a third party. Erotica and masturbation are better than HIV and Herpes Simplex virus 2.

Trust is something that you give and get freely and work hard to keep.

Speaking from experience, your children even at a young age are already being affected by what is going on. Don't teach them that cheating and payback are what a relationship is about. Communicate with your husband that even though he isn't in the same place, his actions affect your children, too.. They know.

Work on being a parent and maybe the marriage will come around.

I don't understand what "spread the rep" means.

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Originally Posted by brookss3

I don't understand what "spread the rep" means.

The "rate this answer!" button is for agreeing or disagreeing (disagreement is only on facts not opinions). When you rate someone's answer, you have to rate other people's answers before you can rate that person's answers again. When you try to rate person again too soon it tells you that you need to "spread the rep".

You don't have a marriage, just an ongoing cycle of lying and cheating on each other. I think you both should do your things separately, and work together for the kids. Maybe one day you will both grow up, but doesn't seem to be anywhere soon.

At least you are separated, that's good, even for your kids. The last thing they need is poor role models.