Language: English (change)


First let me say, before anyone starts yelling at me and telling me I'm terrible... I already feel AWEFULL. Words can NOT express how terribly discusting I feel at the moment...

Some background... I have ADHD and bipolar (and a few other mental health issues, but they don't pertain to this issue)

And most often, I can't control what thoughts pop into my head... thankfully I have learned through age and maturity how to keep my outbursts to myself, and I don't spew out tactless comments any more... thank god for that, it would have been awefull had I said this out loud...


Today I found myself thinking unconciously (meaning I didn't think this on purpose, it just sort of popped up in my head)

'i wish my grandmother would just die already, and make everyone's life easier'

I LOVE my grandmother. I LOVE HER. SO DEARLY. Again, words cannot express how much I love her. And I DO NOT want her to die. I KNOW my thought was wrong and horrible and terrible...

My grandmother has MS (progressive relapsing type) she has had it since 8. and has blown all her doctors prognosis away by still being alive at 58 (I think she is 58. Give or take a few years either direction)

She cannot stand at all. She can only move her upper body at this point. She has a gaping hole wound on her backside due to "escar" (spelling is probably off, but that's what the word sounds like)
She has been so sick this last month... I won't lie, its been a strain on all of us... and then add to the issues I myself have (I won't go through it all, but my soon to be ex husband hit me, and is now currently harassing me with mean phone calls and text messages and emails (that I do not answer anymore))

I know its just my bipolar... reaching the end of my ropes... and the stress...


Obviously I know I can't tell my grandmother this... not in her current condition...

Should I take this to my psychologist? Or should I move on, forget about it. And chalk it up to stress and don't worry about it anymore (that won't be easy, I'm completely torn up by this stupid heartless thought... )

Thank you in advance.

I think you need to forgive yourself for that thought. I certainly have had similar thoughts, and I'm guessing most people have. And sometimes, in frustration, people actually voice those kinds of thoughts. They may be like you with lives cluttered up with other concerns or they may have just reached the end of their rope.

Tell yourself you're human, and move forward.