My wife of almost 17 years says she isn't in love with me anymore and hasn't been for the last 6 months... which then became the last year... then the last 2 years, last 3, now the last 5 years. She always seems to say this after a period of 2-3 days of being sweet and kind to me (tells me she loves me, kisses me). I hate it. She gives me hope, then yanks it away...

For the last 3+ months, when she first told me, I started working out & eating better (have since lost 50 lbs), helping out around the house (aka doing everything... ), doing all the bills (which I learned she had neglected for about 2-3 months), just trying to become a better husband. I guess I was too late because she still says she doesn't love me anymore and 'needs space', wants to 'be alone for a while' and 'find herself.'

She often does not come home from work, sometimes just on time to get ready for her next shift. So I have no idea where she is or with whom, sometimes, when she does come home, she is drunk and/or wreaks of alcohol ( no matter how many showers she takes or how many breath mints, I can still smell it when she talks/breathes, her pupils are dialated or eyes shifty, and she slurs her speach). Also, she deletes all her texts incoming and outgoing every day, which is odd because we used to text each other all the time and didn't used to mind each other reviewing each other's messages. Coincidentally, this all started around the time her friend from work got dumped by her husband for another woman and started on a quest to 'find herself'.

My wife started her job in March this year to 'help with our bills' after I took a pay cut at work. She recently changed our online bank account password, so I went to my local branch and found out that her paychecks are 30% smaller... so this means that she isn't working as often as she leads me to believe. Her job should be able to help pay for the bills, but other than a monthly automatic payment of around $400, nothing else goes on with that account. Surprisingly, there is barely any money in the acount!! I have no idea where her paychecks are going... but I do know that she now parties heavily, buys cases of beer or bottles of hard liquor for their (co-workers') parties and gambles a lot.

She has been throwing in my face the fact that she doesn't need me and is going to go find a place of her own and take the kids, etc... I decided that if she doesn't want to be with me anymore, then her paychecks should go towards her bills --- her car payment + personal credit cards. After transferring enough money to cover her bills to our other account where we pay bills I can see right away that she cannot support the lifestyle she threatens to have. I don't want to continue supporting her if her heart is not in our marriage. Is that being controlling?

There are a lot of gaps in my post, but for the most part, I'm starting to accept that my marriage is most likely over, but I promised my daughter (8yr old) that I will do everything I can to keep the family together. She heard her mom tell (yell at) me that she doesn't love me, hates me, can't stand to see me, hates coming home when I'm there, and can't wait to leave... poor thing was hiding under our dinner table. My post is all disorganized... sorry, but I've been going through hell these last few months...

Is she doing any drugs other than alcohol? This seems to be a very rapid progression of symptoms to be simple alcohol toxosis. You may need some recordings if you go for an intervention down the road.

Not that I know of, but mutual friends have suggested that she may be on cocaine. I've never done it before, so I don't know how it makes you feel/act. She works in a casino, which I hate, and the atmosphere isn't the greatest. I know she has many influences there, but she refuses to quit or even change shifts. My kids are tired of her 'I'm just at work' BS... after so many months, they've figured her out and even roll their eyes when she says it.

She has all the signs of having another man in her life.

What do you care if she can support herself after she leaves? She's just blowing smoke in your face. Her new boyfriend is probably quite able to support her.

I'd show her the door and tell her to leave the kids with you. She is not a mother, not even a poor excuse for a mother and someone I definitely would not want my children living with.

A Shrink for Men

Until she was a lot more forthcoming with what's going on, she would have to go, ALONE.

No idea if there were other issues you or both of you did before that has lead up to this.

If at this poin she will not work on the relationship, if she will not go to counseling with you, then there is nothig you can do.