I was with my ex 10 month and have been split up 2 month. The last 6 weeks have been hell because I have been a emotional wreck and done all the wrong things. I've been trying to get answers out of her such as if there is no chance of us getting back, has she slept with anyone else, does she still love me etc etc but she has been refusing to answer these questions. She will eventually answer but after I have pestered and pestered and the answers are usually what I don't want to hear. One minute she would say there is a chance and the next she would say there isn't. We tried no contact but failed every time we tried, it was me that usually got in contact with her but the odd occasion I did stick to it she never. We would start talking and it would lead to arguments and then she would tell me that she was thinking about giving things another go but I've blown my chance, this happened numerous times and got to the point where it never meant anything. Its only been a few weeks since I have started to feel a bit better but things have been getting silly. Last week she started to drunken call and they weren't bad calls though, we had a good chat but the problem is I was getting the wrong impression and as per usual things turned nasty and we started arguing again. Enough is enough I said we need to meet face to face and get things sorted because we can't keep going on like this. So she met up with me last week for the first time in 2 month but it never really went to plan. I really didn't know what to say and she never had much to say. I wanted final closure and asked her if there is absolutely no chance of us working things out but she said she can't say that, she said maybe in the future when her head is clear and isn't as bitter. In the future she says but how long? She said she isn't ready for a relationship with me now and if we were to get back together at this moment she wouldn't be able to put the effort in that she first did. She also said that she doesn't trust me, not in the sense of cheating but about breaking her heart again. I know she loves me and I certainly love her and know we could be so good together. Throughout the relationship I had a wall up that I never realised until we ended. My partner of 5 yrs before her really did hurt me and it toughened me up and brought a wall up which did affect my last relationship but not sure my ex is convinced.

You really need to stick to the NC-no more talking begging or pleading and pushing for answers to questions.
Step away from the drama get off the rollercoaster so that you can get your head together and see clearly who you are and where you want to go with your life.

Things did happen when we met, we kissed and did certain things but never had sex, she said it would make it harder for her, she also wanted to stay over but said she didn't want to give me the wrong idea. We have now decided no contact again and its been 4 days and seems to be getting harder and harder. The weekend is coming up and I have the house to myself and am tempted to ask for another meet but I really don't want to give in. So much has happened over the last few months and its impossible to put it all across on here. The way the relationship ended was one particular day she kept asking me if I love her, I couldn't tell her because I never knew. She kept asking and asking and I got annoyed and told her I never wanted to see her that weekend. The day after she said she thinks she may be pregnant which I never believed considering the circumstances and it just sort of went downhill from that. I ended up ending it but not really meaning it, she did the begging for a while but I wasn't interested. One of her friends advised her not to contact me so she stopped and after a few days I got worried and text her. She replied and we got chatting but she was a different person and was not interested in getting back with me. This really hit me hard and that's when I realised just how much I love her. The things is this breakup had to happen otherwise the wall may never of come down. If we were to try again things would be so different, I know that for a fact and wouldn't be wanting to try again if I wasn't sure. I just want that 1 chance to prove things. I really don't know what's going to happen or how long its going to take her to heal. How long should I wait till I start to move on? Not that I want to move on, well not in the near future anyway. Even though no contact is probably the best thing to do but is it really worth doing it now after being in contact for 2 month? One part of me is saying fight for her, don't let her slip through your fingers but there is only so much I can do over the phone and text. Patience is not one of my strong points and that's one of the things I don't like about no contact. Also what if she goes with another guy in this period, would you say that's acceptable? Oh I've got so much in my head I could be here all day. I've not had many people to talk to about things so its been a lot harder for me, also I have to go to places regularly where we went together. Things are getting easier but it's the not knowing that's hard.


My head is pretty clear at the moment but I just wish she would be more open with me. I don't know if I believe what she said about there being a chance in the future, she may be saying that to keep me hanging on?

At the top of the page there are stickies about N C and what else to do when you re in the situation you re in.If you haven't read them please do.Find things to do keep busy and talk to the people you know who are willing to listen.Do all these things for you not for her. Whatever happens in the future nobody knows.You should concentrate on getting your act together in the here and now.One day at the time.

Well she phoned me today from a withheld number and asked if there was anything else I wanted to say. We ended up talking for two hours but at least we never argued. She doesn't understand the importance of no contact though. Don't know what her exact reasons for ringing me though.

Quote:

---

She doesn't understand the importance of no contact though. Don't know what her exact reasons for ringing me though.

---

How old are you? From what I see, is you're both holding on, but not knowing how to resolve your issues. That just keeps making things worse, not better.

You both want something to happen, but are having a heck of a time convincing each other. For one, she is insecure, and needs a lot of reassurance, and it may be she needs to deal with that first, but you need to pay attention closely to her, and NOT let your own feelings stop you from seeing what she IS telling you.

I don't think talking will cure your differences overnight, but your fear of losing each other, and suffering through, has you both holding on, when letting go is what's needed for now, until one of you develops (or both of you) the skills to communicate, and break the barriers down.

Hate to say it, until you both can trust each other to be willing to take a risk, this will go nowhere, and until your ready to be really honest about your feelings, to do what it takes, you both will suffer with the limbo your in.

If the goal is to get back together, without resolving anything, then this will fail.

Forget the relationship, and getting the good stuff back, and work on your issues, which needs some honest communications, and not just hours of chatting, as individuals.

If she is not willing to take the same risk you are, then its you, not her, who has to let go, and enforce it.

I hope you learn to talk, but honestly, I don't see it happening, so at least stop the misery, and pain, and chaos, and confusion.

Sorry guy, you're really not ready to meet what the other needs. Your both to busy on your own needs, right now. Tell her that. She needs to know.

I know what I want and exactly how I feel, she also knows this. Its her that doesn't really know what she wants, or she does but will not fully tell me but she is a very stubborn person. If she had not of phoned today I would have stuck to nc until she was finally ready and remember I never knew it was her that was calling so I never had the option to ignore the call. She needs to get her own head sorted before speaking to me and realise that these phone calls like today will not do us any good but then again.. . Who knows? Maybe we could slowly build a friendship and go from there. A few weeks back that phone call would have got me all exited but I isn't getting exited about this one, time has passed and I isn't the emotional wreck I was back then.

Oh she said she phoned to see if I had anything else to say but that's not a good enough reason. I know what I want and exactly how I feel, she also knows this. Its her that doesn't really know what she wants, or she does but will not fully tell me but she is a very stubborn person. If she had not of phoned today I would have stuck to nc until she was finally ready and remember I never knew it was her that was calling so I never had the option to ignore the call. She needs to get her own head sorted before speaking to me and realise that phone calls like today will not do us any good but then again.. . Who knows? Maybe we could slowly build a friendship and go from there. A few weeks back that phone call would have got me all exited but I isn't getting exited about this one, time has passed and I isn't the emotional wreck I was back then.

She ended up contacting me again recently and I suggested she does not contact me for 1 month and then if she wants to try again in a month then get in contact, if not then ill accept that. She says if I can't give her answers then don't wait a month and don't be in contact.. . Hang on its her that's contacting me. I've answered best I can and she said it wasn't good enough and if the answers where good enough then we would be trying again.. . Yea right. In our last conversation a few days ago she was mentioning changes I would have to make if we were to try again, that to me was quite positive and we ended up on OK terms with her saying she would phone me later that night. Well that was two days ago and I isn't heard anything. I isn't going to be contacting her but no doubt she will contact me. I have been thinking maybe I should just ignore her but on the other hand, maybe she is on the verge of giving things another go, who knows? She keeps saying that she can forgive me but can't forget the past and is still very bitter, but the problem is for the past ten weeks we have been in contact and almost every time we speak she goes on and on about the past, this is why she is finding things much harder. If only we had both to stuck to no contacat at the begging things would be different now, thing is I never even knew about no contact when we split. I have learnt a lot from this split and would do things totally different if I am ever in the same situation again.

Just because she calls you does not means you have to answer the phone. Your only toturing yourself brcause in all honesty she does not knows what she wants and your holding on to false hope big time. Talking to her everyday but getting no where proves that point. The two of you are not together so threrefore you owe each other nothing. If you keep this up your going keep floating along to her tone and killing yourself emotionally. It is best for you to keep NC alive for you so you can move on and stop singing to her beat. Life is short and too short for bs.

Yea I know that but when she started contact back up she phoned from a withheld number so I never knew it was her. We don't talk every day, usually every 4 days or so. If she doesn't contact me now then that's fine, I won't be contacting her, if she does contact me hmmmmm its hard to say whether I will answer or not, I really want to get things sorted so its not easy not answering her. I would love to know what going on in her head?

Your letting your curiosity get you caught up in a very confusing cycle. This is nothing more than a power play to see who gets what they want, their way.

Stop negotiating, and figuring her out and just keep the phone calls short, and brief. Busy, and unavailable, is what's needed, since you both have problems with honest communications.

(typical response: But its her who isn't being honest)

It only takes one partner not to be forthcoming, to screw up the whole works, in a relationship.

I don't have problems communicating.

Does she??

Use your 'good communication' skills to say, "I am sorry but I don't think we can have a relationship because the past is still causing problems. I think we both need to move on with our lives. Please do not contact me again."

Then, even if she calls from an unknown phone, be polite and terse. Hello/Goodbye. Do not get into a conversation that is just going to continue the cycle.

From what I have read, the only thing you have learned is how to be passive/agressive. You don't call her she calls you. You seem fine talking to her until she wants to discuss the hurt that the past caused then it's "don't call me". Stop the mixed messages.

Just stick to the "don't call me" part. Both of you need to move on with your lives.

Yes she does.

Cat you have got it so wrong, I am far from aggressive. I am always calm, polite and ready to talk about things properly. The reason I said no contact was for her to heal wich is something that's not going to happen if she keeps ringing and dragging up the past. What's done is done and that can't be changed. She can talk about the pain all she likes but it's the same old things that she has been going on about for 10 weeks and nothing gets resolved.

Woke up today with her on my mind, hate days like this. The thing is when we last spoke we were also talking about meeting up this weekend. I said we would need to talk about it properly before the weekend, that was on Tuesday but she hasn't been in contact since. It wouldn't be so bad if we had agreed no contact but if we are going to meet then it has to be sorted today. So now I am just waiting for that call/text. I will feel better tomorrow if she has not been in contact because then least I will know we won't be meeting up, sorry to go on but I can't help it sometimes.

Disappear from her life and ignore her attempts at contact will stop all those immature mind games. Its obvious she doesn't want to discuss things properly, or can't.

Her motives don't matter but sticking to your position does.

Well she just phoned me and asked if I have been giving her prank phone calls, she knows I would never do anything like that, I think she made it up for a excuse to phone me. Even if I did give her prank phone calls I am hardly going to admit it am I. After that she went on about what she has been doing etc etc just general stuff but I had to cut the conversation short because had something to do. I told her to ring back in half hour if she wants.. . Yea I know I should not of but it is hard when you love someone so much and want to sort things out.