Ask Me Help Desk - I really like this girl.BUT she has a boyfriend.

All right guys, like I met this girl about a little over a month ago, because her family came over my house for dinner. She added me on Facebook, and we talked on Facebook for a bit then she messages me her number. Ever since then we text each other literally constantly every day, joking around making ":)" all the time. Soon she starts to call me in the middle of the night while I'm and bed and she's in bed and we'll talk for a good hr or so. There will be times that I won't call her, and she'll just call me. However she never mentions to me that she has a boyfriend, and she only mentioned about him twice ever since we've started talking.

After talking to her all day every day via texting and then late phone calls for hours, I started falling for her. I knew she had a boyfriend but since she never mentions him to me I figured that they were on the "rocks" or she doesn't love him anymore. One time on the phone we were talking about him I said "as long as you love each other its all good" and she goes "ehh, i don't know about that" DING DING! She would also talk on the phone saying "for christmas you should get me something big" and "oh i can use your money to buy stuff haha".

Just recently I asked her if she talks to her boyfriend often, and she's like "yes we do" that sent off an alarm that maybe their relationship isn't rocky as I thought it was. So via text cause I was in class I told her I had a lot on my mind, and she kept asking me what was on my mind. So I told her how she has a boyfriend and I should respect their relationship, and I know she likes me as a friend and I respect that too, and how I don't want to get too close because I don't want to mess things up. Her reply to me was "oh, i'm sorry. i don't know what to say/do, if you don't want to talk to me anymore i understand. if there's anything i can do to help let me know" me on the other hand said "i'll still talk to you and i'll still be your friend its not a big deal" so I'm sitting wondering if she really ONLY likes me as a friend, or is there something more. Any advice is appreciated.

From what you are saying, I don't see her stepping beyond the "friends" border except maybe the late night phone calls, although there might be people who disagree with me. You will like many girls through out your life and she is just one of them but you will only love a few!

I'd have posted the question before you actually brought up the situation to her. I think you may have received some advice that would have altered your approach, as well as some that would have you get an answer without playing all your cards.

That being said, I see how you could fall for her, I see how you'd think she may be interested in you. However, you basing your conclusions on the fact that she talks to you because she's having problems with him is off base.

Sometimes people can act this way, they act a little differently than we THINK a person with a relationship should act. I'd bet many think it inappropriate to call another guy while in a relationship, but just because you or I may think it strange does not mean to them it isn't. I had a similar situation, though I didn't know she had a boyfriend. Same deal as yours, Icouldn't understand why she would give me her number if she was taken? Why would she accept phone calls from me? In the end it is what it is, some people operate I a different way.

It is possible that she does like you, but I think her response tells you that she isnot going to act on it. Either that or she's just one of those friendly people I mentioned above. Either way, this is not for you.

You already have the right idea about respecting their relationship.

I don't know what her feelings are. She is the only one who could answer that question and it would be inappropriate to ask her while she is in the other relationship.

She seems to think of you as a very good if not best friend. Can you live with that?

Whether you keep up the friendship, don't let your feelings for her blind you to all the other possibilities around you. It is very easy in opposite sex friendships to confuse friendly love and romantic love. Don't get so caught up in the friendship that you miss the romantic.

Anytime I start getting feelings for a female I know isn't available, I back away. That is just my instinct. If I were you, I would limit my interaction with her. Having friends is cool and all, but once I start developing feelings for the friend, I back away from her really quick.

Another point you have to ask yourself is. What if she IS interested in me. Do I want a girlfriend that calls another guy in the middle of the night, gives her phone number out, and has a emotional relationship with him? I know I don't. So even if they are on the rocks, do you really want to date this girl when she will do the same thing to you.

Off limits, plus like dreaming said. Why would you want a girl who is giving out her contact information and calling other guys?

1) She has a boyfriend, so she's off limits.

2) There are red flags everywhere.

a) She talks to you very intimately, even though she has a boyfriend. Especially when she asks you for a big gift. How would you feel if your girlfriend asked another guy for a big gift?

b) She's definitely leading you on and giving you some false hope.

c) The fact that she's reluctant to talk about her boyfriend and not admitting that she loves him doesn't mean anything. Don't read too much into it. It might mean that she's not that far into the relationship yet, it takes time to develop the "love" feeling.

d) She might only see you as a regular friend, so don't misinterpret her kindness for anything more. But let's say she does have feelings for you. That just means that she's leading you on and seeing if there's a potential with you. Doesn't it feel like she's hanging on to her boyfriend as a backup plan just in case it doesn't work out with you? How is that good?

2) Nor matter how you look at this, if she only sees you as a friend, then you're just setting yourself up for disappointment. If she sees you as a potential, she's emotionally cheating on her current boyfriend. Who's to say that she won't do this to you in the future?

3) I highly doubt that she tells her boyfriend about her conversations with you. If she tells her boyfriend about you, then again, she most likely only sees you as a regular friend and you're just setting yourself up to be hurt. If she's keeping a secret from her boyfriend, then who knows how many more secrets she has. How would you be able to trust her?

Bottom line, if you can handle friendship, then go ahead, but if you can't, don't set yourself up to be really hurt.

You're not the first person to be in this situation: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...re-319894.html -- here's my story. Hopefully the advice that the others have provided me will help you see things from a different perspective.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I wish

c) The fact that she's reluctant to talk about her boyfriend and not admitting that she loves him doesn't mean anything. Don't read too much into it. It might mean that she's not that far into the relationship yet, it takes time to develop the "love" feeling.

Well she only had one boyfriend ever. That's the guy she's with now. They been dating since senior year of HS because he asked her to prom then asked her out. So they been together for around 3 years?

Quote:

I knew she had a boyfriend but since she never mentions him to me I figured that they were on the "rocks" or she doesn't love him anymore

You assumed because it was easy to do, when you first found out about him, that's when you back way off.

Quote:

One time on the phone we were talking about him I said "as long as you love each other its all good" and she goes "eh, i don't know about that" DING DING!

I would have asked her what does that mean, that would have shown you where her head is at.

Quote:

she would also talk on the phone saying "for Christmas you should get me something big" and "oh i can use your money to buy stuff haha".

Again, why let this kind of thing pass, without something like " tell your boyfriend to buy you something big.

Quote:

Just recently I asked her if she talks to her boyfriend often, and she's like "yes we do" that sent off an alarm that maybe their relationship isn't rocky as I thought it was.

Well you assumed too much any way. That alarm should have went off a long time ago, and you should have paid attention.

Talaniman Rule- Ask upfront if she is single, free, and available, and don't get sucked into her charms.

Friends or not, she clearly was intentionally sucking you into something for reasons only she knows. You stop that type of crap, by simply asking up front, so you know when to back off.

Never assume whats on someones mind, or the motives for their actions.

When you know she has a boyfriend, you ask about it up front, and not play her game. If I'm just a text/phone buddy, I would want to know that upfront, before I got carried away.