Ask Me Help Desk - He's wife uses his son all the time

He's wife uses his son all the time

Hi.well I'm with a guy who is also separated fr his wife for almost a yr now with a son.I am also separated for over a yr will get a divorce soon & I have 2 kids 10 yrs girl &6 yrs boy.we have his son fri until sat.his ex wife always call him talk down to him when he is off like off for a week or 2,then she would tell that he should look after the son even if its not the day he should look after him,I hate it because he lets her control him... I have enough dramas with my life but I love my boyfriend so much but I don't think I can deal with this for the rest of my life,please I need some advice...

What's your boyfriends take on this? Can the two of you discuss this?

It is his child as well and there should be equal sharing of parental duties.

Its not like he is a babysitter,that is his child.It should not be seen as a burden but as a pleasure to be with his child.

You have the child for one day and your complaining about that?

I think he needs to be equally responsible and involved.

I think you are being unreasonable to expect him to spend less time with his child.

But my boyfriend should first ask me if he's bringing his son to my home.he can't just make arrangements with her without advising me specially when he's bringing him to my home

Quote:

Originally Posted by simple11

but my bf should first ask me if he's bringing his son to my home.he can't just make arrangements with her without advising me specially when he's bringing him to my home

Yes,he should inform you if he expects you to have the child in your home.
Why can't he have the child in his own home when they are together if you have an objection to the child being in your home?

In any relationship involving children from previous relationship the current partner should take it as a given that the child will be a big part of the relationship.

At least that's the way it should be.

Yes,he should ask if its OK if he is bringing his child to your house,however if it was me,ill tell you where to go,and spend the time with my child,that's just my thoughts on it.

I understand where you all coming from.I have kids 2.I don't trouble him with my kids.I have enough dramas with my life,raising my 2 children by myself,I need someone to hang on to,how can I hang on to someone that's too busy with his own and let his wife play with his balls still..

Why should you 'need someone to hang on to'?That s not the way it should be-dont you want an equal partnership with another mature adult?Where s the communication in your relationship?

Let me change the table
If your boyfriend came on here and posted
Is she right?
I need help with my girlfriend every time I get a chance to spend some extra time with my son she throws a fit,she had demanded I call her to let her know I am coming over,only if he is with me.she seems to feel like my ex-wife is playing games with me when she asks me to do something for my son.

I and proubably a lot of others would tell him find a new girlfriend.
You'r thinking in this matter is way off.

I don't see why there has to be drama?who's causing the drama?

Quote:

Originally Posted by simple11

i understand where u all coming from.i have kids 2.i dont trouble him with my kids.i have enough dramas with my life,raising my 2 children by myself,i need someone to hang on to,how can i hang on to someone thats too busy with his own and let his wife play with his balls still..

He has an ex wife,she is also the child's mother.. they are both parents,not just her,he, I assume is expected to do his share of parenting,I don't think it means she still has control over him,only that she is looking out for her child,I would have a big problem if my ex husband was bringing our child into a house where that child was not welcomed.

I would be inclined to help him see and spend time with his child,even,go out with all the children..
Its seems that you are looking at your relationship as you and him,and the kids just get in the way,you have to work together,as a team,help each other.

Don't be a monkey on his back,every time his ex needs to speak to him or he wants to see his child.

I have a strong feeling that your child's father is not as intereactive and helpful as your boyfriend is with his child and I sense some jealousy for that on your part.

Quote:

Originally Posted by simple11

i understand where u all coming from.i have kids 2.i dont trouble him with my kids.i have enough dramas with my life,raising my 2 children by myself,i need someone to hang on to,how can i hang on to someone thats too busy with his own and let his wife play with his balls still..

It sounds like you need him there for you *drama* reason and when he is not you are peeved?
What is the drama you keep referring to ?

I do look after the child when he is around,I look after them equally.I came here for advice not to be criticized.r u all in the same situation I'm in?sounds like you have no idea what it is like.u will never know unless you have been there...

Quote:

Originally Posted by simple11

i came here for advice not to be critisized.r u all in the same situation im in?sounds like u have no idea what it is like.u will never know unless u have been there...

You don't need to get defensive. Everyone is just trying to understand your story so that we can give you better advice. So if you believe that you're being misunderstood, just express yourself more clearly.

Whenever you feel like you have problems with your significant other, you just need to sit each other down and talk things out. It sounds like you have a very poor communication system at the moment. You don't seem to be able to express your concerns to him. I suggest that you take the time to talk things out with him in a calm and respectable manner. Let him know your concerns and try to come to a mutual understanding.

Quote:

Originally Posted by simple11

i do look after the child when he is around,i look after them equally.i came here for advice not to be critisized.r u all in the same situation im in?sounds like u have no idea what it is like.u will never know unless u have been there...

I'm really just asking a few questions and I am sorry if I came off any other way.

You say we can't understand and we can't unless you tell us.
What is the drama?

I think I'm hearing what you're saying. You're saying that your BF gets stuffed around by his Ex with regard to the days that he's supposed to have his child, and that he just takes it and lets her manipulate him (regardless of the effect that this has on your life and his).

I can absolutely relate to this. My husband's Ex used to change her mind constantly about what days he could have the children despite there being a Court Order specifying exactly what days he could have them. For a while we couldn't plan our lives because we either had to cancel things we'd planned without them or cancel things we had planned for them.

It is a really difficult dynamic. Some women use it to control their ex-partners because they know how difficult it is to be a non-custodial father. In our case it was really hard for my husband because he wanted to see his children but it was always on her terms.

Essentially there are two things that have to happen if the situation is going to change.

1. Your BF has to grow a set of balls. My husband had to. It was really difficult, but he just had to start saying no when his Ex changed her mind about when she wanted him to have the kids. He stuck to the Court Order dates, so it meant that sometimes he didn't have them if she changed her mind. Over time she realised that it was to her advantage to stick to the dates as it meant that she got time off regularly (and the kids wanted to see him anyway). Your BF needs to start setting boundaries around dates and times, and not allow her to manipulate him - this is his on-going responsibility not yours.

2. You need to grow more patient. I had to. It is really difficult because you can see that the Ex is using the children to manipulate your partner and you just want to run away from the dramas or scream your head off at both of them. You need to accept that it may change and get better over time, but it will never go away. Fate has decreed that your BF has a child with this woman and that won't change. Neither will she (at least not in the short term). You can only change your own response to it and support your BF.

Neither of these responses are easy. If you and your BF talk about it and work on it together, it will work well. Try to understand that being a non-custodial father is really hard and that it's a life long commitment, just like your children are.

His wife is being demanding, yes, but the boy is his child. You really only have him one day a week, what's a couple more? Don't treat it like a huge imposition just because his wife is being hard to handle. I know How I would feel if I were his son, because I've been there. Kids can take things the wrong way.

Girlfriends come and go, children are forever.

If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

Quote:

Originally Posted by simple11

i need someone to hang on to,how can i hang on to someone thats too busy with his own and let his wife play with his balls still..

HUGE RED FLAG: He is separated. NOT divorced. Is there a COURT order for visitation or is it an agreement between the two of them?

From your op, I gather that the "extra" days that she wants him to take his son are when he is on a break. I am not sure whether you are referring to the father and work or the son and school. There is no mention of her denying him his "regular" visitation.

If you want someone to hang on to when you want to hang on to them, then you may want to re-think being in a relationship with a man who has a child or children.

If all of you are up for dramas well you girls have dramas then.have you been in my situation?obviously not... no ideas at all.if been there come back here and you can go on with your dramas...