I have been with my husband for 6 years. I have felt miserable for most of them. Of course I fell in love with him. I had just gotten out of high school and was looking for someone to love me. He did and we have been together since. He is controlling and angry most of the time. Before we got married I broke of the engagement but he came to where I was crying and I felt so bad that I put someone through that that I took him back. I knew I didn't make the best decision for me, but I didn't want to cause anyone that much pain. We got married and right away he mentioned having a baby. We got pregnant right away and I thought this would make our relationship last. He changed for a very short period of time and then went back to the way he's always been. He left for the weekend on a trip and I realized how much happier I was. I laughed, I didn't have anyone telling me what to do, yelling at me every moment and I didn't cry once. As soon as he came home I told him how I wanted a break just to think about things. He started freaking out, punching himself in the head, crying, screaming and going crazy. I ended up coming home (since he insisted he took our son for the night) and he kept waking me up to tell me he loved me. I care about him as a person but when I look at him, I don't love him like I used to. I really don't love him at all, I feel like I am going to be stuck in this miserable life forever. I am 23 so I don't know everything and I am looking for help. I want to be happy and I want my son to be in a scream free environment (he deserves so much better). I wish I could turn back time or run away or something but I realize I am an adult and I need to act like one. Any advice would help- thank you

Seems like he really does love you, but he's got some anger issues. It would be in the best interest of your child to try to work things out between the two of you. I think he should consider anger management.

As for the two of you, you definitely need some marriage counselling.

If there is no progress after these repeated efforts, then maybe it's time to call it quits. Like you said, you have to act in the best interest of your child and it's not healthy for the child to be in a screaming environment.

I have to ask, what keeps you there.

Abuse is all about control. The putdowns to take away your confidence, the manipulation to have you thinking you aren't seeing what you think you are seeing, or the angry actions to leave you too fearful to leave. It seems to me he's doing all three in abundance, and then some.

The point is, you have lost yourself here, and live your life according to how he allows you to. I can only imagine how fearful it must be for you when he starts screaming, punching himself in the head, and freaking out as you said. These are not the reactions, or actions, of a person without some serious anger issues, as well as control issues, and abuse issues. He is ruling by intimidation.

Typically, the calm moments are sweet, and have you wondering what you did wrong to have caused him to behave this way, and he repeatedly tells you how much he loves you, and that is what you want to hear, and he knows it, and probably means it when he says it. All is well, until the next explosion. And the next. And the next.

It is difficult to leave an abusive husband for many reasons. You love him. You think that your reactions to him can change, and you can somehow try harder not to get him going, and you find yourself thinking 99% of him, and how to keep him happy, and 1% of yourself. The shift in power over another person is an integral part of how abusive relationships work.

I have personally, not seen a lot of improvement in these types of relationships, with marriage counselling. There is not enough to build on, and abusers don't like to change because they are very insecure people. Love, unfortunately, is just not enough in a relationship to establish an equal playing field. Love is what it is, and means, to the person giving it. Your love from him, comes with a great cost, and is given insomuch as he doesn't lose control.

It really doesn't matter that he hasn't changed since the day you met him. That you can see it, is what matters the most now.

What eventually becomes 'normal' in an abusive relationship, is what you are also beginning to see. But, think beyond all the work it takes to keep him on an even keel, and take a long hard look at your baby. What they cannot express is the impressions, feelings of fear and terror when things get out of control. They internalize it, and it becomes the only way they learn how the two adults in their life communicate. The longer this goes on, the more they learn and see. Many children raised in such an environment go on to have their own issues, and the cycle continues.

You are young, and smart, and capable. And most important, you know that for your own safety, you need to seek help. Try to get to a shelter of some kind for advice, and seek out counselling through your family doctor. You need to get a balanced perspective that will give you a clearer picture of what future you face with this man.

If and when you decide to leave, please, please remember that you need to be prepared for the aftermath. If he reacts to you the way he did when all you wanted was a few days to think, imagine how he will react when you leave. Again, any counsellor will help you prepare.

And, I don't mean to scare you, and I hope I haven't, and I could be all off base here, but I don't think I am. I believe your instincts are correct, and I urge you to continue to think about the situation you are in, and take some steps to get some outside help before you do anything.