My wife and I have been married for 9 years we have a wonderful son Jacob who's 6
She is the most difficult person to make happy, no matter what I do it is never good enough.
Every thing I say is contested, so my son see's this and does not listen to me as well. He is constantly saying "Moma said I can do this" or "I'm telling Mom you yelled at me" constantly threatening me with telling my wife what I do that he doesn't like, seems like he enjoys watching us fight? Anyone else experiencing this? Any one know of a good marriage councilor in the Methuen, MA area?

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Originally Posted by confusedFather

My wife and I have been married for 9 years we have a wonderful son Jacob who's 6
She is the most difficult person to make happy, no matter what I do it is never good enough.
Every thing I say is contested, so my son see's this and does not listen to me as well. He is constantly saying "Moma said I can do this" or "I'm telling Mom you yelled at me" constantly threatening me with telling my wife what I do that he doesn't like, seems like he enjoys watching us fight? Anyone else experiencing this? Any one know of a good marriage councilor in the Methuen, MA area?

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Six year olds pick up opportunities faster than lightening, if those opportunities get him what he wants. It is not at all uncommon for a kid to play parents off each other. One says no, so he goes to the other parent.

When you tell your son 'no' on something, is that when he goes to his mom and she says 'yes'? If that's what's happening, then you are wise to want to put a stop to it. If you both aren't on the same page with discipline, this is only going to get much worse.

They learn quickly if they get a 'no' from both, then the divide and conquer game is over.

I don't know what you mean by no matter what you do, it is never good enough for her. Is she bossy, or disrespectful or miserable toward you all the time? What do you do that she sees as not good enough.

My first impression is to tell you to send Jacob to Grandma's for a weekend then tell your wife to sit the F... down and shut the F... up and listen to you. If her opinion is the only one that matters then you need couples therapy in the worst way. This will damage your son. It's already beginning. I was 30 before I healed from this same damage. Get help if you need to, but marriage is a partnership, NOT a matriarchy.

Your child is definitely a priority. So an unhealthy marriage is not in the best interest of your son. So action is required.

You obviously need to confront her about your feelings and the consequences of her actions (i.e. the way your son is being brought up). However, from what you are telling us, it sounds like you might be too afraid to stand up to her. A neutral third party, such as a marriage counsellor, is definitely recommended. But much of the change has to happen from within. If you can't find it in yourself to stand up for yourself just yet, at least do it for your son. He needs a balance father/mother relationship.

All parenting books are clear on this issue. Never should one parent over-rule the other's authority. NEVER. It conditions kids to go to the "soft" parent , and ignore the "hard" one. This is VERY disrespectful to you.

You definitely should go to counseling with your wife.

How are the other things in your marriage? Is she always hard to please?

Trying to live your life in an environment like that is like trying to row a boat with a piece of rope.

Upstream.

You and your wife first have to fix the issues in your life. And often "doing" things is not what the other wants, they may want time ( when is last time you went on a date with her) she may want to talk more, do you spend some time every night just talking about the day)

As for the six year old, the word, give him a swat to the rear and sent him to the room was not heard, either

Thanks for the advice . Yea we need marriage counseling in the worst way!

I agree w/FR_Chuck... fix what's going on with the wife, and everything else will fall into place. I'm sure the wife is happy... she probably just doesn't know how to show it. My wife is the same way, and she would probably say the same thing about me. Try showing her appreciation on the little things she does, and I am sure that she will see it and pick up on your queue. It is hard to expect your spouse to act a certain way if you are not doing the same. Not to say that you are not... I just didn't gather it from your original post. Put love first... show it, and you'll get it back. Good luck!

Sounds to me like you are either worthy of your wife's criticism, or you pander to it too much. If you try everything to make her happy and she still complains, then either you doing it completely wrong, you're trying too hard or she's impossible to please.

Either way you have to take back your power and get to the core of whatever the issue is. Your son is already reflecting your lack of confidence and uncertainty back to you in terms of his 'manipulation' and lack of respect for your authority.

My suggestion - go to counseling on your own. Have some time to talk with someone about yourself, your relationship and the dynamic created with your wife and child.

If you understand yourself and know what you want it may be easier to make yourself, and your wife happy. Differing approaches to discipline are a recipe for disaster. One thing is for certain, now is the time to deal with it before your son gets older!

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Originally Posted by Gemini54

Sounds to me like you are either worthy of your wife's criticism, or you pander to it too much. If you try everything to make her happy and she still complains, then either you doing it completely wrong, you're trying too hard or she's impossible to please.

Either way you have to take back your power and get to the core of whatever the issue is. Your son is already reflecting your lack of confidence and uncertainty back to you in terms of his 'manipulation' and lack of respect for your authority.

My suggestion - go to counseling on your own. Have some time to talk with someone about yourself, your relationship and the dynamic created with your wife and child.

If you understand yourself and know what you want it may be easier to make yourself, and your wife happy. Differing approaches to discipline are a recipe for disaster. One thing is for certain, now is the time to deal with it before your son gets older!

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That's exactly what I was going to do,(get some counseling on my own )About making her happy I'll give you an example : I took her to see Cirque du Sollie at the Aganis theater , now if you have ever seen one of they're shows you know it is an amazing experience; she complained about it not being as good as the last one we went to, " there was no story" I thought it was amazing! We have been together for 9 yrs and people grow apart, what can I say. I am a man trust me , but I am not the kind of man that's going to yell and make ultimatums . (I've been unemployed since November of last year ) I'm going back to school after months of looking for work, so that doesn't help, ( she's thinks I'm being selfish and childish about going back to school ) Well thanks for all the advice !

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

you and your wife first have to fix the issues in your life. And often "doing" things is not what the other wants, they may want time ( when is last time you went on a date with her) she may want to talk more, do you spend some time every night just talking about the day)

As for the six year old, the word, give him a swat to the rear and sent him to the room was not heard, either

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Yes we always do what she wants, I am so sick of argueing that I do whatever she wants I listen to what she has to say!

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Originally Posted by confusedFather

That's exactly what I was going to do,(get some counseling on my own )About making her happy I'll give you an example : I took her to see Cirque du Sollie at the Aganis theater , now if you have ever seen one of they're shows you know it is an amazing experience; she complained about it not being as good as the last one we went to, " there was no story" I thought it was amazing! We have been together for 9 yrs and people grow apart, what can I say. I am a man trust me , but I am not the kind of man that's going to yell and make ultimatums . (I've been unemployed since November of last year ) I'm going back to school after months of looking for work, so that doesn't help, ( she's thinks I'm being selfish and childish about going back to school ) Well thanks for all the advice !

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Great! Start with the counseling and then take it from there. I'm not suggesting that you yell and make ultimatums, I'm suggesting that you quietly take back your own power. Sometimes with people that complain all the time, you just have to ignore it.

It's a difficult time with you being unemployed, just take it one day at a time and see if the counseling makes a difference. If you change your approach to your wife and son it may well change the dynamic between you all. But, it will take time and there will be resistance.

It is interesting what we expect from a man, as opposed to a woman, as far as a relationship goes.

I think that if the situation were reversed, and it was her being put down, humiliated, disrespected, and brow beaten, we would call it abuse wouldn't we? A consistent pattern of behaviour that is all about power and control over the other.

I don't think you're doing everything wrong, or that somehow you need to learn how to communicate better with her, I think she is the one that needs to answer for her behaviour toward you.

She is the one that could benefit most from counselling, because it is her attitude and behaviour that needs to change. If she is unwilling to do that, and this is what you can expect for the next 25 years, you are very right in trying to find answers.

Your benefit in counselling would be to be heard. For her to have to sit and listen to you; how you feel with the behaviour toward you, how you fear it is affecting your son, all of it. Her on the other hand, will also have an opportunity to express herself, and you may learn much from listening to her in a different setting.

I think she communicates quite well, it's what she says, and what she does, that has caused this rift.