Okay, here's the deal... We've been together for just over 2 years now and have had our definite ups and downs. We have very differing views on how problems should be handled in most cases and whenever I try to discuss a problem, he glosses over it, blows it off, gets quiet, or says he doesn't want to talk about it. I can't get him to discuss any issue ever, which has made this particular situation all the more difficult.

A little more than a year ago, he went through this thing where we didn't have sex for almost 3 months. He wouldn't talk to me about it other than just to say, I don't know why but I'm just not interested or I'm just never in the mood. Then it just mysteriously went away one day. Well, it would seem as though that is happening again, but this time it is all intimacy. Although I'm frequently VERY sexually charged, he never has been. The most we've had sex is about 2-3 times per week, but on average it's only once per week.

It's been a month since we had sex and anytime I've tried to get him to cuddle or be close with me, he resists. If I cuddle up to him, he acts disinterested. I've also tried initiating sex but he's "not in the mood". We have been fighting about it because I've started to withdraw myself from him and the situation. I don't even try to be close to him anymore because I feel like he's rejecting me every time I try to be close to him and he acts uninterested. He feels like I'm ignoring him though.

I've asked why he doesn't ever want to kiss or cuddle and he said that it's because it always leads to sex and when he's not in the mood, I get pissed. (Which is true, I feel very put out and undesirable and like I've just been rejected) He says I need to get over feeling like he's rejecting me because he loves me and that's not what he's doing. I've tried to explain that even though that may not be what he intends, it is what it feels like. He feels like I'm constantly trying to initiate sex, which I can kind of understand... BUT when he's never in the mood and it never goes anywhere, it doesn't feel like it's a constant thing.

Neither of us know what to do. Finally the other night, I just said... we'll take sex off the table; you do your thing, I'll do my thing and if we happen to meet then that's fine. I'm not happy with the resolution, but he won't talk about it anymore. I don't know what else to do either. I don't know how to handle the lack of intimacy and I'm tired of taking care of my needs by myself. Help!!

Counseling is needed here, because neither one of you knows how to communicate effectively with the other.

Thanks for the suggestion. I would love for us to be able to go to counseling, but neither of us have the money for it... that's why I was hoping to find an answer somewhere else. I appreciate your time and suggestion. Thanks!

This guy is not your husband. Why force it? If he doesn't want sex NOW, how do you think it's going to be if you two get married?

Maybe this guy isn't the one for you.

Before I got married, I was in several relationships. Not in any of them, did I reject my partner's advances for "action", not repeatedly.

May I ask how old the both of you are?

Is this a health issue for him?

I love him so very much and he really is a very good man. But I must admit that I'm hurting so much from this that I'm at the point where I'm considering the same thing you mentioned: that he may not be the one for me. While I feel sex is an important way to renew the bonds in a relationship, it's not the most important thing to me. I'm more bothered by the lack of intimacy as a whole (i.e. no hand holding, cuddling, general affection, etc.). I just don't know how to bridge the gap or if it is even worth trying for anymore.

I haven't been in a lot of relationships and I grew up in a VERY conservative family (where sex was taboo), so I'm glad to hear that this situation is not "normal". I mean, I obviously suspected it, but wasn't ever really sure.

In answer to your question, I turn 27 tomorrow and he is 28. I've often wondered if there is something health related behind this because he's never been very interested in sex. As far as performance, there's no problem there; just lack of desire. He is on prescription medication for depression (zoloft) and ADD (amphetamine salts). I know that depression medication does have the tendency to make someone have less desire. He doesn't have health insurance, so he won't go get a physical... again the money issue, ugh. Thank you for your time and concern!

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Originally Posted by Hollygre

I love him so very much and he really is a very good man. But I must admit that I'm hurting so much from this that I'm at the point where I'm considering the same thing you mentioned: that he may not be the one for me. While I feel sex is an important way to renew the bonds in a relationship, it's not the most important thing to me. I'm more bothered by the lack of intimacy as a whole (i.e. no hand holding, cuddling, general affection, etc.). I just don't know how to bridge the gap or if it is even worth trying for anymore.

I haven't been in a lot of relationships and I grew up in a VERY conservative family (where sex was taboo), so I'm glad to hear that this situation is not "normal". I mean, I obviously suspected it, but wasn't ever really sure.

In answer to your question, I turn 27 tomorrow and he is 28. I've often wondered if there is something health related behind this because he's never been very interested in sex. As far as performance, there's no problem there; just lack of desire. He is on prescription medication for depression (zoloft) and ADD (amphetamine salts). I know that depression medication does have the tendency to make someone have less desire. He doesn't have health insurance, so he won't go get a physical.....again the money issue, ugh. Thank you for your time and concern!

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Sure the medicine might cause lack of sex drive, but what about the other forms of intimacy?

Some guys are simply just not very physical, he might be one of those.

Things like this usually get worse more times than better.

A relationship shouldn't be this hard.

I know money is tight, but hugs and kisses are free.

Happy birthday! And good luck to you.

The question I would be asking myself is - 'if it's this hard, is it worth it?'

The BIG red flag is that he doesn't want to talk about anything and the dynamic that has been created between you is that the more you want something, (to talk, have sex, cuddle, etc), the more he resists. Clearly he's doing it because he's afraid (or at some level punishing you for your 'demands'), but are you prepared to do the work to bring him out of his fear?

A relationship can't survive without communication. A relationship can't survive if one person withdraws completely. A relationship can't survive if your way of being in the relationship is vastly different to the other person's. You may well love him, and he may be a good man, but if he's not prepared to meet you halfway you may as well be in the relationship by yourself.

You need to decide what your priority is and make a choice - do you stay and swallow your desire for physical and emotional intimacy, do you stay and work on the issues as a couple, or do you decide to move on?

None of these choices are easy, but you need to bite the proverbial bullet and present him with the options. If he can't or won't make a decision you will have to.

There is no easy answer, I'm afraid.

What is going on in your lives besides sexual issues and communication problems? How old are you.

Often external pressures may affect what goes on behind the scenes. If he is stressed out about work or something else, you should ask him. But try not to let him on your only curious as it seems to affect you sex lives. Be genuinely interested.

I wonder if he doesn't feel interested because he doesn't feel "man-enough" or desirable to you. Actions coupled with encouraging words might be the trick. I don't know what man can resist that, and especially if your going out of your way to be appealing and trying to induce sexual arousal. Ask him what you can to make him feel in the mood instead of blindly going in to it.

Counseling is always viable, if he doesn't want to talk to you, maybe someone else can get it out of him.

The zoloft may be affecting his desire. Also, some people just have less drive to do it often.

He feels that when you cuddle up and kiss it means that you will want to have sex and will get mad at him if he isn't in the mood. He's disappointed that talking about it doesn't seem productive. Do I hear you right?

You feel lonely and need affection whether sex happens or not. Why not let him signal you if he does want affection to go further. Unless he does or says whatever signal, you will not push for more. Agree that you will not get mad at him. Be affectionate as you both like.

He will likely continue to want sex less than you do. But, let him initiate the actual act. Enjoy the anticipation. Accept that your differences are part of what makes your relationship unique.

When the money situation gets better, look into couples counseling. He needs to re-establish a doctor's care. It's easy to put off unpleasant things, like going in and talking to the doc about medication adjustments.

Maybe, for now, you can set some goals together. This pattern may be something you are willing to accept for the long haul. It may not be. Give him some time.

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Originally Posted by jmjoseph

Sure the medicine might cause lack of sex drive, but what about the other forms of intimacy?

Some guys are simply just not very physical, he might be one of those.

Things like this usually get worse more times than better.

A relationship shouldn't be this hard.

I know money is tight, but hugs and kisses are free.

Happy birthday! And good luck to you.

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Thank you so much for your help; you're right it shouldn't be this hard...

Gemini54: You're absolutely right and I couldn't agree more. I think I am going to try to get him to discuss things with me and based on his reaction, decide whether to stay. I want to work things out, but if he's not willing to put in the effort the choice is kind of made for me.

j_ely823: I am working like crazy in a very tough environment. I know it wears on me. It isn't without purpose though... I'm trying to establish myself in a new position. So I am currently balancing the existing and new positions for roughly one more month. (Though I've been doing it since Feb.) As I mentioned, money is beyond tight and hopefully the promotion will help with that.

As for him, he works a stable 9-5 job that has it's stressful moments but isn't too big of a deal for him. He is trying to pay off $4,000 in medical bills and working a $10/hour job; I know that adds stress.

Money really is the biggest issue/stressor in both of our lives. I know he dislikes my work schedule, but accepts it because he likes/believes in the new position (not to mention a lot of the problems with work will diminish). I'm almost 27 and he is 28.

I agree, I should try to delve into whether he is stressed or not. You also bring up a good point about him maybe not feeling man enough or desirable to me... I'm a highly motivated, ambitious person. I'm constantly trying to improve one element or another. He is happy just being and I know he has mentioned at times that he doesn't know why I'm with him.

Thanks for the ideas on trying to inspire arousal... I will have to try that. :)

simoneaugie: You hit the nail on the head... I am feeling VERY lonely.

You are understanding things correctly for the most part when you said, "He feels that when you cuddle up and kiss it means that you will want to have sex and will get mad at him if he isn't in the mood. He's disappointed that talking about it doesn't seem productive. Do I hear you right?"

The only difference is that I'm the one who's disappointed that talking about it isn't productive. (Though who knows, he may be feeling the same way)

I like the idea of having a signal, though I admit that it will be difficult for me not to feel rejected. (I'm never mad; just sad and feeling rejected) I think if he is still affectionate on some level, I won't feel that way though.

I appreciate all of your inspiring words, advice, and concern more than you could ever know. Thank you all so very much for taking the time to help me!