How can I recover from years of emotional abuse?
This is the second time I've typed this message because when I previewed my first email, I lost it, so this version will probably be shorter than the first because I'm emotionally drained now. I have been married for many many years and suffer from what I consider emotional abuse. My marriage started very rocky. My husband has always bullied me into doing what he wanted me to do. For the majority of our married life he has been a fit pitching, temper tantrum throwing, domineering husband. He observed this behavior from his father who ruined many a family dinner because of his nasting attitude toward his mother if dinner was delayed for this or that reason totally out of her control. It was his way or no way and he was king. For this reason, my husband also disrespected his mother. During early years of our marriage, I felt like I was a second class citizen. When we would go somewhere, he'd always for several feet ahead of me. I'd have to catch up to get him to walk "with" me not in front of me. When we'd meet folks he knew, I'd stand waiting for him to introduce me, and sometimes just didn't. We've had many many verbal arguments over disagreements through the years. At one time, he wanted me to leave, to get out. I was so emotionally devastated and dependent on him I was crushed to rubble. I suffered much verbal abuse during this time that I never recovered from. I believe his had an "interest" during this time that he wanted to pursue and knew he couldn't as a married man... so he no longer wanted to be married. Then one day, he just started acting more like himself and decided he was over whatever it was. I never recovered from the rejection and devastation of that time. For years, I thought he would leave me every time we would have an argument. Such an awful way to live. He was able to bully me into doing what he wanted and I did what he wanted for fear he would leave me or not love me. We don't have children because early on I was so uncertain of our future and did not want to bring a child into a volatile marriage with a domineering bullying dad that disrespected his mom. Later, when my time was running out and I desperately wanted him to agree to have children, he blew me off, said he was too old. He wasn't. He was just selfish and involved in his work and hobbies. I have a hole in my heart because I don't have children. All these years, when he wanted me to do something that I didn't want to do, he'd throw a raging fit, I'd get upset, and cry, and then plead with him to do whatever it was he wanted to do. A few years ago, something happened that I can't quite explain. During one of these bullying rages, a switch turned off in me. I didn't get upset, I didn't cry, I didn't concede. I stared out the window of the vehicle as he angrily drove home. That day I believe I emotionally left him. I decided that he would no longer hurt me. Soon he realized something was different in me and there was a confrontation after many months. I told him he didn't want to have the conversation but he insisted. I let him know that I would no longer take what he'd been dishing out over the years. I told him I would find someplace else to live and did not have to live like I'd been living. He asked for another chance and my heart couldn't just refuse his plead... because now he was devastated. That's been several years ago that he asked for another chance and I still feel just as numb today as I did then. It is killing me. I am again emotionally abused because I will feel like the bad one if I leave him. He hasn't had a temper tantrum since that day that he shut my heart off. He changed too late. I grieve for the children I don't have. I grieve for the marriage that he decided too late was important to him. I grieve, I grieve, I grieve. Some days I just don't know which way to turn because I am so emotionally messed up. There is just no easy way out. His family won't be shocked if I leave him because they know he was his daddy made over and know how he's treated me through the years. It makes me so angry that he waited too late to change. Things could have been so different a few years ago. I wish I could have sent my original email because I think I expressed myself better. I just need some advise. This is just soooo difficult. No easy way out. Am I to sacrifice myself? Help!!
