I am living with my boyfriend of two and half years and I have just discovered him on dating and sexual websites. Now he has done this before and he swears that it is only fun, in a internet porn kind of way.

However, I have just moved to another country for him and I do not know anyone here other than his immediate family. I also have nowhere else to go here. I don't have the money to rent a place by myself.

I feel quite betrayed by him now, and despite previous promises feel really lied to.

Do I sit back and just accept that he needs this form of stimulation (despite us having a healthy sex life) or do I end things with him?

Confused.

No, move on. He does not NEED that form of stimulation at all. People say "every man looks at porn" but it is NOT TRUE. It's okay for a man, or any person, to be curious about something and look, but to make it a regular behavior is not healthy. I would not stand for it. There would be no level of trust in my relationship if I discovered that my boyfriend were looking at porn. It shows disrespect on many levels. And I'm sorry to say, that the relationship probably wouldn't last. Lay down the law, if he doesn't like it, move on. You diserve more respect than that, and you should respect yourself more than to settle for it.

Looking at porn and being on dating web-sites are two entirely different scenarios if your on a dating site chances are your not telling everyone "im happily married just horney and curious"he's a liar and enjoys the chase real or fantasy still dangerous.

I would say that you are in the control seat. He betrayed your trust, so you can demand what you want from him. If he can't provide it, then it's time to call it quits.

However, it does bother me that you moved to another country for the sole purpose of being with this man. You should be moving somewhere because it suits you and that you are in control of your own life. You should also spend some time buidling your own personal life and not just revolving around this man. For example, finding a job so that you can earn your own money and find your own place if things don't work out. Or going out and getting to know more people so that you can establish some roots.

Watching porn is actually pretty normal for most men and also going on date site might be part of his porn habit, it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or he doesn't have pleasure with you. I think you are a bit too uptight about this situation. If he really cheated on you, then this would be another story.

Well the moving came about 2 weeks ago, so job etc haven't been found yet, but we moved to here (netherlands) from the uk, after he got a job. I had just graduated uni so I was happy at the time to move here because I needed to find work and here or there didn't matter.

The porn doesn't bother me, I get that a lot of men do need the stimulation so I'm not a prude in that sense, but it's the fact that his email is on there, and that he no doubt webcams with them... and it's the webcamming and the chatting which disturbs me.

When I wrote the original message I hadn't spoken to him about finding him on the dating site but when I did he said someone was trying to set him up and he swears black and blue that it wasn't him, that he used to have one but he got rid of it... hmm not sure I believe that but hey.

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Originally Posted by ibupenyu

when i wrote the original message i hadnt spoken to him about finding him on the dating site but when i did he said someone was trying to set him up and he swears black and blue that it wasnt him, that he used to have one but he got rid of it...hmm not sure i believe that but hey.

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Whoa. He's lying to you big time, now. I'd run like the wind!

Take nothing less than you feel you deserve.

Never compromise yourself.

Insist he have more consideration for you and your wishes.

How does he treat you in other ways?

I am not sure relationships can work on a demanding level... "you must do that now since I don't trust you at the moment" type of thing. That seems fake and immature.

Bottom line is how do you feel? You obviously have trust issues and I will be the first to say porn is not a big deal. Being on a dating website is a big deal. This is a hard situation because you either learn to deal with it and leave it at that, or you move on from this. You can't just hold this stuff above his head, once you have accepted as good or bad, that's it, move on.

You two are living together now. There must be lines drawn between the two of you and boundaries set so there is no mis-understanding. Communication is the biggest key here.

If you don't know if you can believe what he says, it means there's a huge breach of trust. You really need to sit him downand talk things out. This isn't going to go away. Furthermore, the more you put it off, the more suspicious you become, which continues to put a strain on your trust for one another.

Furthermore, if it's in fact true that he's been on a dating site, then now that he's caught, he's going to go further into hiding and try to cover it up from you even more.

It's better to find out the truth now, rather than to find out later. The way to find out the truth is to talk to him and see how much you believe. If you feel that you can't believe what he's saying, then the trust is gone. No trust, no relationship.

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Originally Posted by jmjoseph

Take nothing less than you feel you deserve.

Never compromise yourself.

Insist he have more consideration for you and your wishes.

How does he treat you in other ways?

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in other ways he treats me fine. Hes not a violent guy and has never lost his temper with me ever.. or with anyone else to be honest. Hes not the most romantic guy but he does little things for me which is why I fell in love with him in the first place, little things like waiting till I get home to have dinner with me and having it waiting on the table ready, or even doing random things like laundry occasionally...

Hes still really young (21) so I don't know if this is a phase or something (the chats and dating) and like something he'll grow out of... He once told me about his ex girlfriend and she really messed about with him, so I think he has some insecurity issues but again I'm no expert so I duno.

I don't want to demand anything from him, I just want him to quit the dating sites or the meeting of girls online. So far he hasn't gone and met one yet which I guess I should be thankful for, and he's said he never would...

It is easy for someone to answer this with a "leave him" but they are not in your shoes. You need to decide what it is that you love about him. Then figure out if the pro's out weigh the con's. Does this guy have so many things you love about him that this is somethig you can live with? If you decide no, then get out now. It will just get harder as time goes by. You may have to consider going back to your county where you have friends and family. If you like where you are save up now and get a place when you can or look for a roommate. Just remember everyone has faults, you just need to decide if this is one you can live with. I hope this helped :)

Dating sites are not porn sites.

Dating sites are where you go to meet people to date. There are all kinds of them. Ones for married (but discreet lol), singles, gays, you name it there is a dating site for it.

That he has gone from porn, to dating sites, which by the way can both be interractive, is an activity that is not condusive to a marriage. It is a connection with other like minded individuals for the purpose of mutual gratification, in one way or another.

In your case, he likes women, and he's doing what is expected of him on a dating site. He knows exactly what he's doing, and while millions may disagree, to me it is an affair even if the intimacy only lasts an hour. A married man has no business screwing around with other women.

If it were me, my opinion is that none of it is good, and the fact that he covers it all up, would have me wondering what else he's covering up. It is harmful behaviour for any couple to have such a rift, regardless of what the activity is. And when the behaviour of one is based on lies and deceipt, it is a disaster waiting to happen.

If this is not something that he NEEDS to do, then he can curb his appetite for sex, and/or sex with strangers, and/or relationships with other married/single women.

If he cannot stop himself, and you think there may be addiction involved, then you'll have to dig deeper to help him figure it out, and think about counselling to address these issues.

Either way, there is nothing positive to be gained until the issues are on the table, and he's honest about what he's doing, and why.

He may be right on the "they are trying to set me up" deal and the fact that you BOTH are in a strange land together I would say tell him to cut it out that you love him and that this is hurting you and that ,in itself SHOULD be enough for him to come to his senses.he may have got someone that is assaulting his email or computer and he doesn't have control of it.
There needs to be a measure of trust between the two so that would be MY first priority to re-kindle the trust and relationship.

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Originally Posted by ;

paxe

Watching porn is actually pretty normal for most men and also going on date site might be part of his porn habit, it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or he doesn't have pleasure with you. I think you are a bit too uptight about this situation. If he really cheated on you, then this would be another story

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Crap, I meant to put "disagrees" with the paxe dude. I think he's wrong.

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Originally Posted by ohsohappy

Crap, I meant to put "disagrees" with the paxe dude. I think he's wrong.

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And I thought you was being nice

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Originally Posted by zippit

and I thought you was being nice

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Haha hell no.

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Originally Posted by ohsohappy

Crap, I meant to put "disagrees" with the paxe dude. I think he's wrong.

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Well you do know that a dis-agree should ONLY
Be given when the FACTS are wrong and not opinion based?
Keep it REAL

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Originally Posted by ibupenyu

do i sit back and just accept that he needs this form of stimulation (despite us having a healthy sex life) or do i end things with him?

confused.

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I was like you boyfriend in a previous relationship but all he is doing is playing you its simple as that I mean you can't have sex with a computer well not anyway tha I have found yet but I would cut my loses before he hurts you by cheating I suggest you get in contact with some of your own family to get you back home his just using you until he finds an internet girl close by trust me it's the dirty truth.

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Ibupenyu;
Hes still really young (21) so I don't know if this is a phase or something (the chats and dating) and like something he'll grow out of... He once told me about his ex girlfriend and she really messed about with him, so I think he has some insecurity issues but again I'm no expert so I duno.

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So give him a chance to correct the issue