My daughter in law always has to be in charge and it is driving me crazy. She always has to control everything - like having to make appointments to see my grandchild; planning every get together to the exact time and place; always making the decisions. How do I get her to "relax" and do things on the "spur of the moment" without making everything such a Constant BATTLE? Our relationship is suffering because of this and it puts my son in the middle all the time.

You can't. If she is a control freak confronting her about it will get you no where. You have to subtly undermine her control over situations by being proactive instead of reactive. Make the plans before she gets a chance to. If she always beats you to the punch then you really have no reason to complain. If she changes your plans then that's another problem altogether.

Some people are just like that. Like me. I need plans. I need to know the exact time and place. And I need advance notice of changes. It throws me off completely when plans change last minute. My cousin is the same way. When we get together, things need to be planned out. Our family has learned to go with it. If they want to do something with either of us, they know to give us a heads up so we can plan out times and places to meet. And they know that if they call saying, let's do this and it's too short of notice, the answer will probably be no.

Some people are "spur-of-the-moment" people and others aren't. It sounds like your daughter-in-law fits into the latter category and you into the former. I don't think that you can really get her to change. After all, her husband and her child are her family and she organizes things how she sees fit. I think you may need to be the one who makes the concession here and just realize that's the way she is and go along.

When she makes plans for her events, go along or stay home. When they are your events she has the same option, go along or stay home. No reason to even fight about it, or put the poor son between you control freaks.