Hey there :)

Just wanting a few opinions. My ex ended our relationship of a year and a half 4 weeks ago. He's 22, I'm 20.
He said the spark had gone, but he still wanted to be good friends, keep me close and that he really cared about me. I was devastated, as there had been no signals of this coming. The day before he had been saying he loved me.

We had a very strong, close, loving relationship, but looking back on it, I fear that maybe we lost ourselves in it slightly, losing our own identities. Only 2weeks before the break-up we went away on holiday together, and it was perfect. He isn't my first love, but definitely the strongest love (if that makes sense!) He treated me wonderfully, and seemed so proud that I was his girlfriend, telling me how much his friends and family liked me. He's not the kind of guy to say things with out meaning them. We both felt we'd found our soulmates in each other. He was so happy all the time, and always wanted us to do things together.

He often spoke of how he couldn't wait to live with me, and how he wanted to spend his life with me. I don't think he scared himself off, as he talked about it quite a lot and seemed to really want it.

I see him every now and then as we work in the same place and he lives just up the road from me, and he's very talkative, asking all about me and telling me everything he's up to. I haven't harassed him with texts/emails/calls or anything. A few days after the break-up, I had a family crisis and he rang me to see if I was OK. I asked him to come over for a cup of tea and he was there within half an hour. We talked about general nothingness, then I asked what went wrong. He just said he's focusing on himself and on a diet and exercising a lot. He kept mentioning how other girls have since come onto him but he keeps turning them down and saying how horrible they are, and how he wasn't interested. He also kept slipping the day of the break up into the conversation, and just didn't stop talking! Seemed almost nervous!

When he left, he hugged me and kissed me on the forehead (which was one of our most intimate gestures which he knows I love). He also said how he'd been wanting to ring me to see how I am. I recently had to go into hospital for an operation, and when I came out I bumped into him. He was very concerned and told me how he'd been about to come and see me when I was in hospital, but my mum wouldn't let him.

I weakened last week of telling him I still loved him and was open to working things out and giving us another chance and take it slowly, but didn't want him to feel pressured. He said he'd think about what I'd said.

I know that it's important for both of us to have our space, and we both need to find ourselves again, but I was just wondering whether anybody thinks that there is a chance of the spark/love being rekindled with time? I know no-one can say for sure, I just want an outsiders view.

I've spoken to his parents, as I was quite close to them and they welcome me round anytime for a chat, and they say he seems to be going through a change at the moment, and doubt that even he knows what's going through his head, he just seems to be focusing on himself, which I have been doing too since the break-up.

I am heartbroken, obviously, but I also want him to be happy. I know you can't make someone feel things, but to me it just seems there was too much there for it all to suddenly end. Our friends and family were almost as shocked as I was! I miss him awfully and am very much in love with him.

I'm so sorry this was so long! I got carried away.. Just some general opinions would be welcomed :) Do you think such a relationship would stand another chance?

You won't be doing yourself any good by letting him continue to string you along like this. Don't cling to false hope, and instead cut off all contact with him and begin to move on.

It was great while it lasted, but his feelings have changed for whatever reason.

Forcing another chance at this time is not your answer, but healing, and doing what it takes to get over him, is your best course of action, and that includes leaving him, and his parents alone.

Sorry for your loss, it happens to us all, so your certainly not alone, but cutting contact with him and his family will allow you to cope with your own hurt feelings, and not fill you with false hope that any contact with them will bring.

Read the stickies at the beginning of this forum, for some insights on NO CONTACT, and HEALING from a break up.

We have all been there. Nothing you can say or do will change things now. It is what it is, for now. Telling him you love him, will only make things worse. NC and space is the best thing. Focus on yourself, that's the only way you can heal. It's not easy, it's something you just have to do. The more your unavailable to them, the more challenge it is for him.No one knows what's going to happen, if its meant to be, he will contact you. But right now, don't make him a priority, your young and there is plenty of nice guys out there.. Good luck

Basically, none of us know if he is coming back. What troubles me is that you don't see him stringing you along. Is he the one who is starting contact?

I believe he is keeping you as an option, though he is not doing that on purpose. By staying in contact with him you are letting him control you and have power upon you. Go No Contact, you need this time alone to think clearly. If you see him, be casual and just say hi. No more phone, or email or whatnot. Apply NC right now.

If there has been any contact, he's always been the one initiating it.

I've just kept my distance, been friendly but cool when I've seen him, and am trying to put myself out there, get my life on track again, improve myself physically and mentally, see my friends and even gone on a few casual dates.

I did hear through someone else the other day however, that he showed a sign of jealousy. I have a male friend who I've been talking to about the situation, and I went to hug him goodbye and to say thank you, not knowing that I was in plain sight of my ex, and the male friend told me the next day that my ex was looking straight at me and looked bothered and jealous. Just to make this clear, this was NOT an attempt to make him jealous! I'm not that kind of person.

He also heard that I'm casually seeing people, and wanted to know who they were.

It's getting harder every day, and I am so fed up with not sleeping, as every time I do I have the same vivid dream about us getting back together, EVERY time.

I'm concentrating on myself, but a big part deep inside of me doesn't want to give up hope just yet. To me, what we had feels worth fighting for (and yes, I do realise that people have a tendency to say this quite a lot when in this situation!)

I'm not longing for what was. I just have a strong persistent feeling of what could be, given some time and work on both our parts.

Perhaps he was a little jealous.

The thing is,as much as you feel this is worth the fight,he doesent.

If he was the 'one' you would not be going through this now.

And even if you do get back together,there is no guarantee he will have another change of heart,and you will be heartbroken all over again.

Continue what your doing,work on yourself,and if any of your friends start to give you updates on him,stp them,you don't want to know,also,ask them not to give him updates on you.

Get some space between you and him.

Make a decision to move on,and stick with it,maybe in a year or two he will be mature enough for the kind of relationship you want,but hopefully by then you will see what is clear to strangers through a computer screen.

You re very right red-we have the perspective and are as neutral as we can be-focus on yourself and cut the contact-and heal.

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Originally Posted by Tube89

If there has been any contact, he's always been the one initiating it.

I've just kept my distance, been friendly but cool when i've seen him, and am trying to put myself out there, get my life on track again, improve myself physically and mentally, see my friends and even gone on a few casual dates.

I did hear through someone else the other day however, that he showed a sign of jealousy. I have a male friend who I've been talking to about the situation, and I went to hug him goodbye and to say thankyou, not knowing that I was in plain sight of my ex, and the male friend told me the next day that my ex was looking straight at me and looked bothered and jealous. Just to make this clear, this was NOT an attempt to make him jealous! I'm not that kind of person.

He also heard that I'm casually seeing people, and wanted to know who they were.

It's getting harder every day, and I am so fed up with not sleeping, as every time I do I have the same vivid dream about us getting back together, EVERY time.

I'm concentrating on myself, but a big part deep inside of me doesn't want to give up hope just yet. To me, what we had feels worth fighting for (and yes, I do realise that people have a tendency to say this quite a lot when in this situation!)

I'm not longing for what was. I just have a strong persistent feeling of what could be, given some time and work on both our parts.

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You sound grounded and wise enough to see things as they are at least,which many people in your situation often can't do.Which will prove very useful to you in getting over this guy,cos that's what you need to do eventually.

The worst part of a break -up is the difference in perceptions between the two partners.Sometimes some of us don't see it coming,so when the blow strikes us,we are still stuck there,wishing "if only" they could see what we can,i.e the connection and chemsitry between us etc etc .Unfortunately,they don't and so they leave us.

Bottomline is,when one of the partners in a relationship takes a decision,we don't even understand the logic behind it.Seems unacceptable to us.But that's how it is and we just have to take that decision at face value and move on.Nobody's a mind-reader and till the time you get complete reassurance from someone that they are willing to stick up for you,you can't take them up for it.

So he might be jealous,might initiate contact,might do loads of things which make you feel there's still something,but the fact of the matter is,he still doesn't want anything more,at least not right now.He's still not come up to you and told you on your face he wants you.

So,just stop guessing what could be going on or what he could be thinking and make it very clear to him that you have moved on cos there was a break-up,right?There's not been anything in it FOR YOU,right,so naturally,you have moved on.And believe that yourself.Never wait to see what/who's coming back to you once you move on.That way you are dragging yourself back.Let your life unfold the way its supposed to.

Your story is so similar to mine, its actually rather scary reading it. Its as if I'm reading something that I could have wrote 2.5 months ago. Even the exercising/dieting thing is identical, and our relationship lasted 1.5 years also. We're both 20 by the way.

"The spark has gone."
"Things don't feel the same."
"It's not you, it's me."
"I've changed"
"I don't know why things feel different."

We were such a good match. I know everyone says that, but I was in complete disbelief when it happened. Didn't see it coming and apparently neither did she. There was just a sudden change of feelings one day. I tried reasoning with her using logic... stupid idea! After a while I blamed it on the distance, and time apart (we were in a fairly long distance relationship, but kept in good contact). Wasn't that either. Who knows what it was, all I can say is that she's pretty mixed up at the moment. She's just finished education and still has absolutely no idea what she wants to do with her life, where as I know exactly where I'm heading.

Anyway, I wanted to keep in good contact with her after it happened because I would still love to have her as a friend, and she said she'd love to do that also. But then these forums made me realise how bad an idea that would be, and I started ignoring her messages. She'll be out there doing as she pleases, and I'll be left hanging on to her waiting for something to happen, giving her COMPLETE control over everything.

We have been in no contact for over two months now. I started it about 5-6 days after the breakup. Since then I've started working on myself, including exercising and dieting too... for the first time in my life! I've lost 13 pounds so far and I really feel motivated to continue. I very much doubt that would have happened without the breakup, and I've certainly learned a lot through it also. You see, its not all bad!

A couple of weeks ago I found out that she is now seeing someone else (a 28 year-old arab who lives in Dubai, by the way... I actually laughed when I found out because it sounded so ridiculous, talk about long distance!). It stung a bit but its nothing I lost any sleep over - all thanks to no-contact. You HAVE to go no-contact on him. Put it this way. IF there is a change of heart (don't get your hopes up), the only way its going to happen is if you leave him alone. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, etc. He'll let you know if he wants you back, DON'T fall for anything less. If there isn't a change of heart, then so be it, you'll be moving on and improving yourself. Its win/win.

I really feel for you, I know exactly what you're going through. It may not seem like it right now but it DOES get better. I'd suggest letting him know you don't want contact in your case, since you live so near it would be difficult just to plain ignore him. The stickies will explain how to no-contact better than I ever could. Good luck, it'll be hard at first but it gets easier, if I can do it then there's no reason why you can't!

Yep,
It DOES get easier and it doesn't give you false hope. Actually if you want to have control of your life faster, cut him up and block him. Life is actually great as a single, you'll understand that later.

Have to spread rep but I agree with you! :-)

Thank you all for your replies...

It's just SO much easier said than done, as I should think you all know!

I've got to see him tonight as I'm working... time to put on the brave face! Oh it's so frustrating :'(

How can somebody love you so much one day... then next day... gone.

I wish it were as simple as just telling him I love him, he realises he made a mistake and threw so much away, then all la-dee-dah, happily ever after.

But that's not life is it. Damn. I want to be in a Disney film..

He even proposed to me at one point... the deceptive swine!

Peoples feelings change that's a sad fact of life. Good luck tonight and for your future.

The whole happily-ever-after Disney thing reminds me so much of my thoughts and feelings at the time too. I can remember having a dream that we got back together one night, only to be brought back into the harsh reality of things by my rumbling stomach at 4am (yeah, I wasn't eating or sleeping very well!).

I found that talking to people about the break-up, whilst making sure you didn't drive them crazy, was a great temporary pain killer. It worked wonders for me for the first week or two of NC. Any time you're feeling particularly down about it, just have a good old rant and you'll feel better. The conversation doesn't even need to make sense and doesn't need to have any purpose other than making you feeling better. Try to focus on the bad qualities of the relationship, perhaps there were things you had to sacrifice or would have had to sacrifice to make it work long-term. Yes, there WERE some bad qualities, you just aren't thinking of those right now!

One of my friends was also going through a breakup at the time and we spent hours on Skype ranting about each others exes haha, it was great! Just make sure you choose someone who will be willing to listen. Surprisingly enough, I found that both my parents were great to talk to during the early stages.

Don't give in! Get past the first week and you'll have no problem with whatever else is to come.