Okay so pretty much here's what happened. The fight was pretty much about me.
So sorry about the essay, I'm just going nuts.

Kay here's a little pre-fight so that everyone understands what it was about. My mom, my brother and I usually go to this renaissance festival at least once a year every year. Well, this year I wanted to bring my boyfriend along. He wasn't sure he was going until about 5 minuets before we left. Well this l left me clearly irritated, but I got over it. He usually weighs all of his options very carefully before making an important decision (which it was for me.) He was deciding if it would be a good idea for him to come or not because we would probably have to be there all day. He didn't want to be there all day, even if he had a good time the first couple of hours (and I didn't want to be there all day either) because he knows if he was stuck there with no way back after he wanted to leave he would be in a really bad mood. This I completely understood, (although it WAS annoying that he would take so long in deciding.) and I would have been okay with him not going if he really felt it wasn't in the best interest. *He was planning on DEFINITELY coming until he found out that it would be all day.* We had been planning on it for a few weeks, so it was reall yimportant to me that we stuck with the plan. He just went back to college a few weeks ago and we won't be getting the chance to spend much time together, so when he visits I want to spend as much time as I can with him.

My mom knew about this, and she was fine with it. Unfortunately, we had to run a bit late because we had to pick him up and everything. (It's not like the fest was going anywhere, she just wanted to make opening gates, REALLY not a big deal, it's actually kind of annoying) So anyway, we got there and my boyfriend and I went off and did our own thing. (We're 19 BTW) We saw a few shows and looked around at shops and everything, and had a good time for about 2 hours. Well, about that time we decided to go to the car and get some food from the cooler, because they don't allow it in the fest gates. This was about at one. I was feeling cranky and overwhelmed because of the heat and all of the people, and my mom said she had left the car unlocked, with our (mine and my boyfriend's) laptops in it. So Generally, that put me and him in a bad mood. We decided that we weren't going to go back in to the gates, so we didn't bother getting our hands stamped for re admission. So we wen't out to the car (laptops still in place) and had our food. So we opened all the doors, kicked back the seats and relaxed.

We didn't call my mom until about 2 or more hours later. Anyway, I asked when she thought she was planning on heading out. I didn't demand that we left because I knew that she was having a really good time, I just wanted to know what her plans were. She said she didn't know. So my boyfriend called his dad and asked him if he could pick us up as soon as he was able. (The fest can be a good Hour away depending on traffic) He said sure. Anyway, about an hour later, his dad hadn't left yet, so we were still waiting in the car. So I called my mom again and said "Hey mom, I was just wondering, If you're planning on leaving soon, like around 5ish would you mind giving Me and (random not my boyfriend's name here) a ride back to his place? It's kind of a long drive for his dad to be going out of his way, would this be a peoblem for you?"

Then she proceeded to get very angry at me telling me that she wasn't ready to leave yet adn she wasn't going to just cut her plans short just because me and my boyfriend didn't want to stay.

The thing is, is that's not what I was asking her at all. Neither me or my boyfriend wanted to inconvenience her, we just wanted to know what she was willing to do. Not a problem, right?

Anyway, so by then my boyfriend's dad had left, so I had asked my mom to run out to the car and unlock the trunk for us, (we didn't have our hands stamped so we couldn't go and look for her inside) because some of my boyfriends stuff was in there, because we had planned to get dropped off at his moms house and we picked him up from his dad's house.

So here's where it got messy. My mom came out and unlocked the trunk for us. We both said "thank you for coming and unlocking this for us" And were pretty nice to her.

Then she started freaking out on ME first saying all kinds of things that aren't necessarily relevant to the fight of the topic. After that she started on my boyfriend Yelling at him because she said that he makes ME (not her) unhappy because of his poor planning and all this crap. NOT TRUE. He doesn't make me unhappy. He might frusterate me sometimes but I'm never really emotional about it, because I understand. It's like any normal relationship. Anyway, she just blows up and starts accusing him of all of this stuff that wasn't true about how he was hurting me and stuff. Eventually he just starts talking back. He didn't yell at her once, but he was direct and told her exactly why what she was saying was wrong. Pretty much she was the one arguing, and he was the one deflecting.

My mom throws temper tantrums. I love her, but I've always been more of a parent to her and my brother than she has to us.( Ever since I was about 10.) and I amd absolutely HEAD OVER HEELS crazy over my boyfriend. He's the guy of my dreams. Unfortunately, now my mother has made it so that I am stuck in between them two. A couple of times during the fight I tried to tell my mom to back off and go back to the festival. Both times my boyfriend told me "no, let her say what's on her mind, leave it" So I sat there and listened. And I have to say, That by the behavior shown by both of them, my mother was most certainly in the wrong, and I totally agreed with everything my boyfriend says.

So my question is, How do I go about being stuck in the middle of them both? The fact of the matter, is that they can't stand each other. WHAT DO I DO? HELPPP!

Just make sure you and your boyfriend are on the same page with everything and just deal with your mom as it comes.
If she has a problem with him tell her that you refuse to be in the middle because you love each of them for who they are and you don't have any problem or anything against any one.

The impression I got, after reading your essay, is that you and your boyfriend made a very bad decision in attending the festival. You and he should not have gone. You had been told it was all day and you knew your mother was very interested in it, yet you spent what--all of two hours at it?--then vegged out at your car after not even getting stamped for readmission in case you had to reconnect with your mother.

Your subsequent "question" to her about leaving sounded more like a demand, plus you had the gall to call your bf's father to bail you out with his long drive there and back. It sounds like your pettiness inconvenienced several people, namely your parents.

I'm surprised children as old as you behaved so disrespectfully. I'm guessing you've gotten away with this kind of behavior before this.

Apologize to your mother.

Nohelp4U
Yeah, I'm sure you're right. It just feels very overwhelming, as it has just happened today. And he and I left with his father right afterwards. I haven't spoken to my mom ywt since then and I don't know what to expect. I'm still very upset with her.

(BTW thank you for reading that super long post of mine)

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

The impression I got, after reading your essay, is that you and your bf made a very bad decision in attending the festival. You and he should not have gone. You had been told it was all day and you knew your mother was very interested in it, yet you spent what--all of two hours at it?--then vegged out at your car after not even getting stamped for readmission in case you had to reconnect with your mother.

Your subsequent "question" to her about leaving sounded more like a demand, plus you had the gall to call your bf's father to bail you out with his long drive there and back. It sounds like your pettiness inconvenienced several people, namely your parents.

I'm surprised children as old as you behaved so disrespectfully. I'm guessing you've gotten away with this kind of behavior before this.

Apologize to your mother.

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Here is what I am going to say to you. I will apologize for the misunderstanding in communication ONLY. That was on both of us, because She KNEW that not only me and my boyfriend, but my brother as well, did not want to stay there all day. She also knew that I had planned this trip with my boyfriend first, And she had incorporated herself in to them as to "make it more convenient for us" I planned on going with her another weekend, as it goes for nearly 3 months. This was all me and my boyfriend's plan. I was going to spen time with my mother at the festival another weekend.

THere was this whole other huge plan that we had arranged. But we decided to change it because we both knew she and my brother had wanted to go. WE let her in on OUR plans.

In short, He lives 3 hours away in college, we made this plan WEEKS before we included my mother. She did NOT do it just to help us out, Her husband didn't want her spending the money on it, so she used our need to her advantage.



The trip plan before this was as such

I stay night at friends who works at fest, she brings me up there with her the next morning. He takes bus back adn meets me there. Later we ride bus back to his place 3 hours away. Next day, we get up and ride another bus for school trips back to state fair, Hang out at state fair, I take different bus home, he goes back on other bus




She was aware that we did not want to stay for nine and a half hours. Especially during allergy season. I don't always handle reactions well depending on the allergens.

We did not demand anything of her, that's why we waited in the car for almost 4 hours.
We asked her what her plans were simply because we were trying to find the best way home. Even though she had told us that we would be leaving around 3:30 or 4. He was the one who called his father. I did not want to impose that on him. His father had no issue with it.

My main issue was with my mother's behavior. She did not act like an adult. My boyfriend and I simply did our own thing, and asked what would work for her. The request was clearly not a demand if you had heard it in context.

We don't "GET AWAY" with behavior like that. I RARELY EVER ask my mom for anyting that would EVER inconvenience her.
She's the one who can't even bother driving me to work in below zero weather, when she knows I can't drive because we can't afford insurance for me to get my license. Talk about Petty, She'd rather watch a movie then get me to work when it's cold.

Tell me, What kind of a mother acts like that?

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Originally Posted by ohsohappy

Here is what I am going to say to you. I will apologize for the misunderstanding in communication ONLY. That was on both of us, because She KNEW that not only me and my boyfriend, but my brother as well, did not want to stay there all day. She also knew that I had planned this trip with my boyfriend first, And she had incorporated herself in to them as to "make it more convenient for us" I planned on going with her another weekend, as it goes for nearly 3 months. Thsi was all me and my boyfriend's plan. I was going to spen time with my mother at the festival another weekend.

THere was this whole other huge plan that we had arranged. But we decided to change it because we both knew she and my brother had wanted to go. WE let her in on OUR plans.

In short, He lives 3 hours away in college, we made this plan WEEKS before we included my mother. she did NOT do it just to help us out, Her husband didn't want her spending the money on it, so she used our need to her advantage.



The trip plan before this was as such

I stay night at friends who works at fest, she brings me up there with her the next morning. He takes bus back adn meets me there. Later we ride bus back to his place 3 hours away. Next day, we get up and ride another bus for school trips back to state fair, Hang out at state fair, I take different bus home, he goes back on other bus




She was aware that we did not want to stay for nine and a half hours. especially during allergy season. I don't always handle reactions well depending on the allergens.

We did not demand anything of her, that's why we waited in the car for almost 4 hours.
We asked her what her plans were simply because we were trying to find the best way home. Even though she had told us that we would be leaving around 3:30 or 4. He was the one who called his father. I did not want to impose that on him. His father had no issue with it.

My main issue was with my mother's behavior. She did not act like an adult. My boyfriend and I simply did our own thing, and asked what would work for her. The request was clearly not a demand if you had heard it in context.

We don't "GET AWAY" with behavior like that. I RARELY EVER ask my mom for anyting that would EVER inconvenience her.
She's the one who can't even bother driving me to work in below zero weather, when she knows I can't drive because we can't afford insurance for me to get my license. Talk about Petty, She'd rather watch a movie then get me to work when it's cold.

Tell me, What kind of a mother acts like that?

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You and your boyfriend were told you would be at this event ALL DAY. You even wrote "He was deciding if it would be a good idea for him to come or not because we would probably have to be there all day. He didn't want to be there all day, even if he had a good time the first couple of hours (and I didn't want to be there all day either) because he knows if he was stuck there with no way back after he wanted to leave he would be in a really bad mood.*He was planning on DEFINITELY coming until he found out that it would be all day.*"

What's not to understand with ALL DAY? But you went anyway and then acted like babies. Your mother's only fault is that she puts up with this behavior. (And your rant continued in this post too -- poor you. Why are you working without a car and insurance? How do you normally get to work?)

You're 19, for pete's sake. Grow up!

I think if a similar event comes up in the future, that you should either arrange your own transportation there, or arrange your own transportation home, or both.

If that can't be done, then don't go at all, or go another day when you can manage your own way there and home again. Same with the boyfriend.

Seems to me that if he had decided not to go, you would likely have spent time having fun with your mom and brother, and not worried about when you were going home. Maybe that is why, when it was all planned, that you didn't know when she was planning to go home, you just knew you'd get home whenever.

While it was probably a bad idea for your mother to argue with your boyfriend, she is entitled to her opinions, and she has earned the right to express them whether you approve or agree, or not. The argument was between the two of them, so that is where I think you should leave it. Don't pick sides.

This will pass in time.

Sheesh. After reading all of that, all I can say is that you sound like my stepdaughter.

Pick me up, drive, me home, when will you be ready, are we there yet, can we leave now... you get the gist.

I'd have been cross if I was your mother as well.. the issue may well be your mother's behavior - but you know she 'throws temper tantrums' and you knew she wanted to stay
All day, but you decided to 'push the envelope'.

Now she's yelled at your BF - well, just back off and let them work it out. You claim to be the adult in the dynamic, just let it be.

I have no idea why you both decided to go at all.

You both could have spent the day together and left your mother to enjoy her day out,without the phone calls to know 'what her plans were' you knew what her plans were,she was staying all day!

Boyfriends come and go,your mothers your mother even if she drives you nuts!
Perhaps having a family day together would have improved your relationship.

Leave them to it.. you don't have to choose,he is going back to college and you will be a work.

Save for your own insurance,or get the bus.

I understand what you are saying because my son will put himself in my plans and then I am ready to go hiome and he isn't. I will have to wait on him to be ready to go and wait on him to come back home.
I ask him coming and going, ''When are you going to be ready?'' I want a general idea so I know what to expect and so I know how much time I have to kill, like is it worth pulling some paper work out or washing some dishes to kill time before he is ready. He takes it as nagging. Then on the way he complains he forgot this and he should have done that because I rushed him whenever I just wanted an idea.
Also, maybe remind your mom that you had planned to go another day with her but she switched those plans as well.
Don't be accusing or fighting or mean about it just remind her.
I have had that happen to me as well, plan on going somewhere a family member invites themselves and then the entire day is changed.
Maybe next time tell your boyfriend or whoever, plans were changed and we will do our day on the 26th because mom wants the 11th.

Why did BF not know till 5 min before, sorry plans needed to be made before hand, or he should have merely meet you there. If he did not know the day before, or at least several hours before, I never would have even went to get him.

Sounds like boyfriend owes mom a I am sorry

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

You and your bf were told you would be at this event ALL DAY. You even wrote "He was deciding if it would be a good idea for him to come or not because we would probably have to be there all day. He didn't want to be there all day, even if he had a good time the first couple of hours (and I didn't want to be there all day either) because he knows if he was stuck there with no way back after he wanted to leave he would be in a really bad mood.*He was planning on DEFINITELY coming until he found out that it would be all day.*"

What's not to understand with ALL DAY? But you went anyway and then acted like babies. Your mother's only fault is that she puts up with this behavior. (And your rant continued in this post too -- poor you. Why are you working without a car and insurance? How do you normally get to work?)

You're 19, for pete's sake. Grow up!

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You're too funny. :)

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

why did BF not know till 5 min before, sorry plans needed to be made before hand, or he should have merely meet you there. If he did not know the day before, or at least several hours before, I never would have even went to get him.

Sounds like boyfriend owes mom a I am sorry

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Because I insisted because it was important to me. We had planned this day WEEKS before my mom was even involved. She incorperated herself into our plan, when she knew I planned to go with her a different weekend. And she KNEW that we didn't want to be there all day. Just because she's a mother doesn't mean she did the right thing and that everyone should take her side. She has never liked him, and he's always been respectful to her. We never rushed her, even though she knew we wanted to leave early. I'm sorry but almost 10 hours is a very extensive amount of time, She knew that was going overboard. And she blew up at him about how he "hurts me" and he doesn't.

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Originally Posted by Gemini54

Sheesh. After reading all of that, all I can say is that you sound like my stepdaughter.

Pick me up, drive, me home, when will you be ready, are we there yet, can we leave now..... you get the gist.

I'd have been cross if I was your mother as well.. the issue may well be your mother's behavior - but you know she 'throws temper tantrums' and you knew she wanted to stay
all day, but you decided to 'push the envelope'.

Now she's yelled at your BF - well, just back off and let them work it out. You claim to be the adult in the dynamic, just let it be.

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The thing is, is that I don't ask her to take me anywhere really. She's the one who "Volunteered' on the blans of me and my boyfriend. We had a different one, we never asked her to take us in the first place, but she decided we were going that day and pretty much changed the plans around. So I had to ask if we could pick my boyfriend up, because that was the plan before she even got involved. I didn't want to just cut him out of my original plan.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

I understand what you are saying because my son will put himself in my plans and then I am ready to go hiome and he isn't. I will have to wait on him to be ready to go and wait on him to come back home.
I ask him coming and going, ''When are you going to be ready?'' I want a general idea so I know what to expect and so I know how much time I have to kill, like is it worth pulling some paper work out or washing some dishes to kill time before he is ready. He takes it as nagging. Then on the way he complains he forgot this and he should have done that because I rushed him whenever I just wanted an idea.
Also, maybe remind your mom that you had planned to go another day with her but she switched those plans as well.
Don't be accusing or fighting or mean about it just remind her.
I have had that happen to me as well, plan on going somewhere a family member invites themself and then the entire day is changed.
Maybe next time tell your bf or whoever, plans were changed and we will do our day on the 26th because mom wants the 11th.

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See that's exaxtly it! I wasn't acting spoiled or demanding toward her at all. We went and did our own thing and left her to it. She was aware of how we felt and she had told us we would be leaving around between 3:30 and 5 instead anyway (forgot to add that part) even though she had wanted to spend all day. We left her alone for 4 hours, asked what HER plans were and worked around them. She blew up.



Its' hard to remember to type every detail, I felt bad enough for the essay, I didn't realize I left some important details out while trying to simplify it.

Most of you seem to get the idea that the issue was the planning, that wasn't really what the fight was about. It might have been a "TRIGGER" but it wasn't the issue. My mother uses situations to her "advantage" by trying to look like a victim all the time. She lives her life that way. She never makes the best of it when something isn't going as she plans, She throws a fit. It is how she has always been. And when an adult woman throws a temper tantrum about something when there's not even an issue to get what she wants, there is something seriously wrong with that picture. She is a manipulator and that's never changed. And she always blames other people for what's going wrong in her life instead of taking responsibility for her mistakes.

My mother was the one who initiated the confrontation. The argument was about ME people. She was trying to battle him about who did more for me and who loved me more. She wanted to tell him that he was a crappy boyfriend that never did anything for me and doesn't care about me. TOTALLY WRONG. He cares about me a lot. When I'm having any kind of issue, he has always been supportive of me . Ever since we have been together, he has always made an effort to go out of his way to make the relationship work. And when I started college, he helped me pay for a few of my books. I did not ask him to, he wanted to help because he wants me to succeed. He and I may argue sometimes, but it's ALWAYS between the both of us, not just him and not just me. She was trying to tell him why he wasn't. I LOVE my boyfriend, and I LOVE my mother. But in this situation, she was wrong. It wasn't about the planning crap. She knew I planned to spend the day with him before anything, because there would have been other days for me to go with her.

She yelled at him when there wasn't an issue so that she could get her way. That is how I've seen her behave ever since I was little.

When she moved in with a drug addict, and we had to move with her, it "wasn't her fault, she had no other options, she couldn't get away" He never told her that she could not leave. He was abusive to my mother, my brother and me, yet she still chose to have us live in that situation for 6 years because we "didn't have money" When there were clearly other options before her, Such as moving in with my uncle until we could find another place.

This is just an example of the way she thinks and lives her life. She lives it as a victim, and as much as I love her, it gets hard to tolerate. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm eexplaining it like it is, so that everyone can get a better idea of the person that she is. How she lives her life is not MY issue, although I will be there for her when she needs it. The problem is her own, and she drags other people into her issues so that she can blame someone else.

So for all of you thinking that I'm acting like a child just because of the misunderstanding in planning, Take another look, that was not the underlying issue.

I don't claim to know everything, but I do have commen sense and I have my head on straight. Before you go jumping to such broad conclusions, You should think harder about the issue. If it is not clear, ask more questions to help get a better idea, so that you can give a proper insight.

The "You're a spoiled child" routine is a default for a ot of parents, whether the child is accting spoiled or not. And a lot of people blame the kids entirely instead of taking better insight into their own parenting. Parenting does not come with a manuel, but I know a lot about it. I've had to essentially "raise" my mother and brother. And unfortunately, my mother 's perception of herself is so abscured that she cannot see how she truly behaves.

I am not an unintelligent spoiled child.

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Originally Posted by ohsohappy

She lives it as a victim

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This entire thread sounds like you have become one too. And you've mentioned several times about how your boyfriend hurt you but then you decided to get over it. That could be what your mom sees and worries about.

I think you guys should just talkabotu this andwork it out just sit down chat.. you,your boyfriend,and your mother,telleach side of the story and give your opions compromise a little bit,gosh its not thathard to understand... im !13 Years old and I know this ,YEESH!!

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

This entire thread sounds like you have become one too. And you've mentioned several times about how your bf hurt you but then you decided to get over it. That could be what your mom sees and worries about.

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No lady, I'm trying to figure out how to fix this problem. I don't feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry for her. I'm not being a victim, I'm telling everyone exactly why this happened. Even if she had felt upset by the "lack of planning," she should have come to me about it and talked through it rationally rather than throwing a tantrum. That's why SHE was wrong, in this instance. I did not once raise my voice to her or demand anything. I know better because I know how she reacts to that kind of thing in the first place.

Part of it IS her past, With the drug addict boyfriend. He demanded everything of her and was very emotionally abusive. I can understand why she would feel as if everyone is doing the same thing, even with simple requests. Because it happened to her all the time with him. That's why I try to talk to her and work things out with her rather than just expecting things of her.

I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it. And as far as my boyfriend is concerned, frusterating someone isn't the same as "hurting" someone. He never hurts me, he annoys me on occasion and get's me frusterated. I never said that he hurt me. I said he NEVER hurts me.

I also don't go to her about my issues with him, if I have any, he and I work it out on our own. Maybe it's just because she doesn't know everything that bothers me. It's all need-to -know and she's got her own crap to deal with. She comes to me about ALL of her stuff. And that's fine, I listen, no problem. But I will not use her as my confident because she has enough issues to deal with on her own, to have to worry about mine as well. Maybe I could let her in a bit more, It's just difficult to understand. She jumps to conclusions, This may also be a part of her past abusive relationship, being over protective of me because she does not want me in the same position that she put herself into. One thing though, is that I also learned from her mistake and realized that she was unhappy and decided not to let a man, or anyone treat me the way she was treated.

I am not a victim, Something happened, I can understand why. I know my mother better than anyone,and I love her very much. Her behavior was irrational and I'm trying to figure out a way to deal with it respectfully. I don't need your criticism, I know exactly where my flaws lie, and where I still need improvement. That is for me to work on. I'm trying to help her as well.

You weren't off base when you said she was worried, because I'm sure she is and I know why. But you shouldn't just make assumptions based on the first things you read. There's more to it than that. As an "expert" you should know that. There are almost AWLAYS underlying issues besided what's on the surface.

I see your side. You wanted to go and have your day. Your mom changed your plans then got upset that it didn't go her way when she should have stuck to the original idea of going another day.
My mom plays that martyr victim passive/aggressive sometimes too.
Just be yourself and leave the past in the past and hope she gets over it. Next time don't let her twist things up from the original or else work around it in a better way.