Hi, brief detail about how it started. I broke up from an abusive relationship of eight years and the person that assisted me in moving, is the man that I'm currently involved with. We kept in touch innocently, talked as friends, then we just hit it off together falling deeply in love with each other. He caring for me and me feeling cared for. He helped me get over my past relationship which I have tried to for years. He never fell for anyone but his wife and he cares about her a lot. I don't want for them to break up because he is a very genuine person that is very kind and caring. We discussed we can't be together and I'll find someone of my own someday and when it happens we'll still be friends. We can't control our emotions for each other, we have passionate sex and fulfilling talks. I love him for his companionship, his knowledge, his caring and sexually. Yet I don't want him to leave her for me, but sometimes I wish he was never married. I feel a bit confused about our situation. I already know that being involved with a married man is wrong so please don't remind me about laws and stuff like that and I don't want to hear that he is just with me for sex cause it is not like that. Give some good advice please.:confused: :confused:

Read this line until it sinks in:

"I already know that being involved with a married man is wrong so please don't remind me"

Translation: There is NEVER a right time to do a wrong thing. Not ever.
And everything that comes from that is wrong too.
Sorry Marisa but that is how the world works. Please notice where I am from... I invite you to join me there too! :p

Girl, you will get no sympathy here. In fact, I'm sure we'll never see you again once people start posting what they think.

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Read this line until it sinks in:

"I already know that being involved with a married man is wrong so please don't remind me"

Translation: There is NEVER a right time to do a wrong thing. Not ever.
And everything that comes from that is wrong too.
Sorry Marisa but that is how the world works. Please notice where I am from..... I invite you to join me there too! :p

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I am in the real world but sometimes my emotions draw me elsewhere. I can't control them I let it control me what should I do. I feel that I need to be with someone at all times to be happy or I'll feel very depressed and then I'll call my ex and start all over again.:confused:

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Originally Posted by Depressed in MO

Girl, you will get no sympathy here. Infact, I'm sure we'll never see you again once people start posting what they think.

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Don't worry that is why I registered to get different opinions. I don't want sympathy from anyone. It is not so much sympathy but just views of others I am looking for some may even base it on their own experiences. I am trying to build a strong stable mind to cope with life outcomes so that I can be able to control my emotions. So let them say!:cool:

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Originally Posted by marisa_franklin

I am in the real world but sometimes my emotions draw me elsewhere. I can't control them I let it control me what should I do. I feel that I need to be with someone at all times to be happy or I'll feel very depressed and then I'll call my ex and start all over again.:confused:

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I believe you Marisa, and that's called... codependency. Its very real and its very painful and destructive. Just look where its led you! Its where a person is addicted to another person or to having a "love" interest. Some like to hide it behind an exaggerated notion of love but I assure you it is NOT love. And like any addiction its not your fault. But it is your responsibility to do something about it. Here are two paths, both work for people all the time.

Either seek out free help -- read books (Codependency No More, Women Who Love Too Much, etc) and support groups in your areas.

Or seek professional help with it.

Should you read anything and have questions about your recovery from codependency, please feel free to post them under Addictions, the forum that I monitor.

Rarely does anything good come out of a relationship such as yours other than hurt feelings and devastated lives. You were in an abusive relationship and someone comes along and helps you and cares about you and it feels so good and safe that you fall in love. He, on the other hand has been married for a time and loves his wife but after a few years life gets boring and sex is the same. The two of you have a lot to talk about because you have not been talking to each other for years and everything is new. Sex is great because it is new in the relationship. It will all wear off as in all relationships. There has to be more to hold a couple together. He tells you he loves her, at least he is honest. You are going to get hurt and you need to break off the relationship now. It is only going to end up hurting someone and maybe all three. What if his wife finds out? The chances are great she will and she may have an idea now. Do not hurt someone, she is his wife, she loves him, she trusts him.

As for you, you are just out of an abusive relationship, why did you stay so long? 8 years is a long time. For someone to stay in a relationship that long shows some low self esteem issues that you need to deal with before you begin another relationship.. Being with a married man and saying you do not want to hurt his wife or him to leave her is commendable. It shows you think little of yourself to give yourself to someone who can not and is not going to commit to anything more than sleeping with you. Think about it. Tell him you cannot continue with this, you do not want him to leave his wife, you just want to get on with yours. Do not get into another relationship until you know you and love you.
My sister was in a relationship with a married man for 10 years. Her marriage broke up over it. She was never one to cheat, she was sincere. Not making excuses for her, just saying innocent people on both sides get caught up in something that can not possibly turn out good when it starts with deceit for anyone. You & he are being deceitful where his wife is involved. No lecture. Just the truth. By thinking you are not harming her because you do not want him to leave her may sound to you like you are being a good person, but the truth of the matter is, you are hurting her just as much by doing what you are doing and that is not being a good person. I am saying this because I think basically you are a very good person and you are not seeing the whole picture. It just feels good to have someone care for you. You must stop this or you will hurt more than you know.

Life history, so that you might assist me. I was raped when I was eleven which happened for a period of three years by my step-dad. I left my parental home to go to a friend's home where I became involved with her brother when I was fifteen. The person I just broke up with after eight years. Reason when his mom died one and a half year after our relationship he became very abusive physically and emotionally. I became pregnant and he never stopped his abuse he left and went with another girl whom also got pregnant. I left but he made me come back, I went back. He tormented me everyday till I turned to God for help cause I was on the verge of going mad, I prayed. Many times I left but I kept going back and this time I am stronger with the help of God and my friend. What is wrong with me do I need an extra help. Every day I ask God to forgive me and show me the way and I know he will because he has brought me through a lot of torment. I have built a shield around myself, I am afraid to be in a relationship with another man yet I feel as if I need a man. I know that this man is wrong for me but I can't seem to do without him. What is wrong with me!:( :( :o

Ask yourself this question--Will this person ,love and support me above all else?

Your need to contact a support group in your area to help you understand what is happening in your life, what positives changes you can make, to grow with support for people who care.

Just may opinion

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Originally Posted by marisa_franklin

Life history, so that you might assist me. I was raped when I was eleven which happened for a period of three years by my step-dad. I left my parental home to go to a friend's home where I became involved with her brother when I was fifteen. The person I just broke up with after eight years. Reason when his mom died one and a half year after our relationship he became very abusive physically and emotionally. I became pregnant and he never stopped his abuse he left and went with another girl whom also got pregnant. I left but he made me come back, I went back. He tormented me everyday till I turned to God for help cause I was on the verge of going mad, I prayed. Many times I left but I kept going back and this time I am stronger with the help of God and my friend. What is wrong with me do I need an extra help. Every day I ask God to forgive me and show me the way and I know he will because he has brought me through a lot of torment. I have built a shield around myself, I am afraid to be in a relationship with another man yet I feel as if I need a man. I know that this man is wrong for me but i can't seem to do without him. What is wrong with me!:( :( :o

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Reread this post of yours. This is why you need professional help. There is no shame in that. Its just a shame if you don't get it and continue to create the result in your life that the unhealed woundedness in you is creating. I came from as equally as destructive of a background, very nearly didn't live through it and it took considerable work for me to overcome what I have. I am not completely healed but I know when I need to seek help now and do so. That is why I have answered the way I have-- I really do understand.

What happened to you is not your fault but what you do with it is your choice.

Because you are afraid to be alone. There has been much that has happened to you in your lifetime that you need to deal with and heal from. You have for the first time found someone that is not physically abusing you, but you are allowing him to abuse you in a different way.
With God in your life, you can do whatever you want. He will give you the strenth. Find some female friends to support you and nurture you. You must believe you can do without this man. By saying you can't you are putting that thought in your mind. Yes, you can do without him. You thought for 8 years you could not do without your other man, and wow you are doing find without him now. Just do not replace one man for another. Get some counseling and learn to love yourself and be with yourself. You will never have a good relationship until you can do that. Believe, and have faith and you will win.

What you say is totally true about me and I need help in terms of my low self esteem. I have a son with my ex and I tried many times to be a happy family. I knew his pain and I tried to help him not remembering me. I feel pity and sorry for him so I blamed myself for the abuse that I got. I loved him so much that I would have done anything for him and I know that he loves me but he suffered more than me. I'm not giving excuse for his behavior towards me I know that it was wrong. It seems that over some time he became obsessive and ignorant because of the pain of losing both parents so young. He had no money, no work and a child to take care of, so he reacted in that nature. I forgive him for what he has done to me but I also know that if I return to that relationship as much as I may want to it would not change. I have tried to change him and failed many times. In terms of my new friend, I do feel a need to be loved and I do feel bad considering the circumstances of this. But we are very open with each other we know that it won't have any outcome in the end and we don't want it to. It just already happened, I might not see the whole picture but I just want to be happy. I hope she doesn't find out so we work out ways so that she won't get ideas. Things don't always go right and I'm not proud of what I am doing and neither is he. We are not together for sex because it's not the root of our relationship we are just great friends (that have occasional sex).

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Originally Posted by K_3

Because you are afraid to be alone. There has been much that has happened to you in your lifetime that you need to deal with and heal from. You have for the first time found someone that is not physically abusing you, but you are allowing him to abuse you in a different way.
With God in your life, you can do whatever you want. He will give you the strenth. Find some female friends to support you and nurture you. You must believe you can do without this man. By saying you can't you are putting that thought in your mind. Yes, you can do without him. You thought for 8 years you could not do without your other man, and wow you are doing find without him now. Just do not replace one man for another. Get some counseling and learn to love yourself and be with yourself. You will never have a good relationship until you can do that. Believe, and have faith and you will win.

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You are correct about finding someone that is not physically abusing me but how is he abusing me in a different way. I am not unhappy and I understand that we are not in a relationship that will lead to anything. I am happy with the way we are and I don't believe in female friends I only have male friends mainly my brother's friends and cousins that I lime with. I am trying lo learn to love myself and you are right I enjoy being free from the restraint of being in a relationship. I do have faith though, that I will win and become a happy individual with myself and with the world

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Originally Posted by marisa_franklin

What you say is totally true about me and I need help in terms of my low self esteem. I have a son with my ex and I tried many times to be a happy family. I knew his pain and I tried to help him not remembering me. I feel pity and sorry for him so I blamed myself for the abuse that I got. I loved him so much that I would have done anything for him and I know that he loves me but he suffered more than me. I'm not giving excuse for his behavior towards me I know that it was wrong. It seems that over some time he became obsessive and ignorant because of the pain of losing both parents so young. He had no money, no work and a child to take care of, so he reacted in that nature. I forgive him for what he has done to me but i also know that if i return to that relationship as much as i may want to it would not change. I have tried to change him and failed many times. In terms of my new friend, I do feel a need to be loved and I do feel bad considering the circumstances of this. But we are very open with each other we know that it wont have any outcome in the end and we don't want it to. It just already happened, I might not see the whole picture but I just want to be happy. I hope she doesn't find out so we work out ways so that she wont get ideas. Things don't always go right and I'm not proud of what I am doing and neither is he. We are not together for sex because it's not the root of our relationship we are just great friends (that have occasional sex).

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It doesn't help to sidetrack into other things or rehash all the details that tell the same story Marisa. Can you look into getting yourself some help today? It would be a wise move, I think.

As you see one cannot change another. They have to want to change and then they work hard to make the changes.
You just want to be happy. Are you truly happy now? To me it sounds as though you are not and you are not going to be if you stay in this current position. It does not matter if you are open with each other and know it is not going nowhere. You are being truthful with each other, but your or not being truthful to his wife. Do you not understand how his wife would feel if she found out? Did your X go out on you? If so, how did you feel? It is quite selfish of both of you to seek happines at anothers expense and thinking it is OK because she does not know and he does not want to leave her and you both do not want to see her hurt. That does not make it OK. If he wants to be with you then he should leave his wife. If he does not know what he wants, he should not see you or leave his wife. He is using both of us. You may see it another way, but remember you saw and still make excuses for your X to abuse you. The number one thing you need to tell a counselor when you see one is that you do not see other peoples faults. That can get you in deep trouble.

I do not want to get off on a sermon here. You say you prayed for God's help to get you out of your last relationship and it worked. When you are on the right path God is helping you walk. When you choose your free will and go on another path God watches and waits for you to ask his help to get on the right path again and he will be there. You are not on God's chosen path right now. You are going to stumble, cry and in your heart have no peace because you are wrong. When you decide you want peace in your life and to love yourself again, you will leave this. You cannot have it both ways.

Being in a relationship with a married man is not healthy. I believe when anyone uses another they abuse that person. I cannot believe he is not using both you and his wife. He is telling his wife lies to be with you. He is abusing her trust. Mental abuse can be worse as you do not see scars.

I know that I am/was wrong as much as him and we both understand that, we ask for forgiveness. We discussed that it should not have ended up this way and I am going to end the relationship when it comes to sex, but we are not going to end our friendship. He is a wonderful friend and we will control our feelings for each other sexually. We new what will be the outcome that we will have to go our separate ways one day or the other and it is not hurting me in any way. What is he using me for? can't be sex because I am the one who initializes it. He don't want to but I make him. I am open/searching for new relationships and when I find one I will be able to understand his feelings and actions. What I have learnt in terms of relationships it is part of life to get horn and horn don't get me wrong I am not condoning it. Although I am now, of which I am sorry, in life there are many new experiences that one goes through to learn to be strong.

He's cheat on his wife - he'd cheat on you.

MANY married guys WILL lie, cheat, and steal to sleep with you!! He's just another one of them. You're veryvulnerable AND HE IS TOTALLY TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU. He's uisng you. Hook, line, and sinker!!

You don't EVER get involved with this guy until he is DIVORCED and has his OWN place!! No sooner.

This is extremely unhealthy - and you had way too much of that in your life.

Find an Available single guy to fall in love with.

If you want to prevent any heartache when he dumps you in the future because he apparently can't be faithful to his wife, how much do you think that will hurt? He cannot make up his mind, and you are letting yourself get emotionally involved with someone who is using you.

Yes, he is using you. You are a free piece in the sack, dearie. He will surely tell you anything to keep it that way.

It isn't fair to her, and it isn't fair to you because this man can't give you what you need.

And yes, YOU CAN CONTROL IT. Saying that you can't is just a cop out. Get moving out of that farce of a so called friendship (with obvious benefits) before more than your feelings become hurt.

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Originally Posted by marisa_franklin

We new what will be the outcome that we will have to go our separate ways one day or the other and it is not hurting me in any way. What is he using me for?, can't be sex because i am the one who initializes it. He don't want to but I make him.

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Yes, it is hurting you. Look at your original post.

He is using you, because he knows regardless of his actions you will always be the one initiating sex. And if you have to force him, wouldn't that be rape? Wouldn't that tell you he doesn't want you, period?

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Originally Posted by marisa_franklin

I am in the real world but sometimes my emotions draw me elsewhere. I can't control them I let it control me what should I do. I feel that I need to be with someone at all times to be happy or I'll feel very depressed and then I'll call my ex and start all over again.:confused:

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1. Don't let your emotions control your rational thinking. It will end up making you look weak and vulnerable... leading you into situations exactly like this one.

2. You shouldn't measure yourself worth by how much you date or who you date. You need to start loving yourself first, before anyone else can.

3. (As said to another poster with a similar question) I seriously suggest you find something else to occupy your time. If you have to sleep with a married man, then you need to treat yourself a little better instead of putting yourself in a situation where you are vulnerable in aspects you SHOULDN'T be.

When you wake up tomorrow morning, look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are MUCH better and worth more than some guy's 'second time around'. Tell yourself that life has much better things to offer than drama, trouble and people who will use you for their own sake.

4. Treat yourself well, and others will too.

5. You will only end up doing what you allow yourself to do.

Well, you've sort of gone from the frying pan into the fire. It's good that you got out of the abusive relationship and it was certainly very kind of this man, married or not, to help you. But, as you already know, it should have stopped right there. You were, and probably still are, very emotionally vulnerable after tolerating this abuse for so long then finally breaking clear of it and felt like you needed someone, anyone, and this man just happened to be available. But. As you've already acknowledged, you cannot continue to be involved with him since he is married. The best thing for you to do now is to have no further contact with him whatsoever. Not because you're being mean, but because you need to work on yourself now and get professional counseling from someone trained and knowledgeable in these situations. You're going to need to do this before you can ever have a successful relationship with someone. Breaking free of the abuse was the first step but now you've got to complete the process.

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Originally Posted by marisa_franklin

I know that I am/was wrong as much as him and we both understand that, we ask for forgiveness. We discussed that it should not have ended up this way and I am going to end the relationship when it comes to sex, but we are not going to end our friendship. He is a wonderful friend and we will control our feelings for each other sexually. We new what will be the outcome that we will have to go our separate ways one day or the other and it is not hurting me in any way. What is he using me for?, can't be sex because i am the one who initializes it. He don't want to but I make him. I am open/searching for new relationships and when I find one I will be able to understand his feelings and actions. What i have learnt in terms of relationships it is part of life to get horn and horn dont get me wrong I am not condoning it. Although I am now, of which I am sorry, in life there are many new experiences that one goes through to learn to be strong.

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First off, let me say that I know I am going to get some bad rep for this (and frankly I don't care), but it makes me sick (literally) to see people just sugar coat this situation. No one ever hears from wife that is being cheated on... So here goes.

I am sorry Marisa, it is not up to WE to ask for forgiveness. You two are not a WE. He and his wife are WE.

WE are going to end the relationship when it comes to sex, but WE are not going to end the firendship. That is plain old BS!!

Well, here, let me open your eyes. I WAS the wife. I WAS the woman who was married to a man very much like the one you are dating. WE had 2 beautiful sons together.

That woman not only ruined my marriage, but ruined the life of my beautiful sons. I can get over the marriage, but could my children gt over what their father did to their mother? No. That was over 15 years ago, and it still hurts to hear people like you who think you can still have a friendship with the man that you are committing a sin with.

I understand everyone is trying to help you get over this here. But I, for one, am very bitter against any woman who tries to take a husband away from his wife and/or children.

You say you believe in God, right? Well, is this not a SIN? You are committing a sin. Plain and simple.

When I read posts like this all of the memories and pain of being that wife come flooding back.

SHE was a friend, SHE would babysit my boys so that I could go out and have a little freedom. Little did I know that she was having HER freedom with my husband while I was having freedom from bills, fighting, children, and the like.

Again, I am so sorry to be so confrontational. Actually, no I am not... Some people need to hear the cold hard facts of the situation they are creating.

You should move on and never see this man or his family ever again.

Do you understand that if he will not be faithful to his wife he will not be faithful to you?

This is just hard to read, from the wife's point of view. After more than 15 years, hearing women like this still makes me sick to my stomach. My children are ruined because of women who think that they can take the love of another woman's husband.

God? You are kidding right? GOD?!

Their marriage vows are a religious sacrament, he is sinning against GOD!! You think he is serious in asking for forgiveness? NOT, if he wasserious about asking for forgiveness he would be back with his wife right now, in THEIR bed right now asking HER forgiveness.

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Originally Posted by marisa_franklin

He is a wonderful friend and we will control our feelings for each other sexually.

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Frankly, this is BS!! He is saying that to keep you in the bed when he wants you there. Take it from the wife.

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Originally Posted by marisa_franklin

but we are not going to end our friendship.

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Well, you might as well keep having sex, cause in the eyes of the WIFE and GOD, there is not much of a difference.

Maria Franklin, you and your married friend seem to both have the compassion of Angels many dream of and there is nothing wrong with being in love with a married man, but you both need to make a decision and decide what's right because if you both love each other the right thing to do is get a divorce and continue to date. There is a misconception of love because many of us don't understand the concept of "True Love" because we may have been physically abused so if there is someone we thought was a dream comes into our life we crave him or her like sugar. However, Maria you may be experiencing (codependent behavior) lonliness, but its okay because we all need someone, but it has to be for the right reasons.