I am a 25 year old grad student who had been in a relationship with her best friend more than five years. There had been ups and downs of course, and misunderstandings and issues which even lead us to call it a temporary quit. We had a severe crisis by the end of 2008 and by January 2009 we decided to find our luck in something fresh. (un)Fortunately we both fell for people and aparently things seemed fab. But his relationship didn't last long. I was dating a Brazilian guy, a friend of my colleague. Things were not bad but he left for a three week vacation in February to meet his friends and family in Brazil. After coming back to Canada in March he moved to a diffent city in the end of April without discussing anything about the relationship's future. The situation was really frustrationg as my old Boyfreind had beentrying hard to get me back with him and the new relationship wasn't leading anywhere. Finally I had to ask him about the fate of the relationship and he said that he doesn't one any long distant relationship. After that the Spring and Summer were time for me to recover. All my friends and family suggested me to get back with my best friend. I really like my best friend and we have an awesome understanding and a lot of common interests both academic and non academic. But the passion factor is missing from the relationship and besides we are in two different cities attending school. I often felt that the Brazilian guy I was dating was more like a Romantic partner and thought of getting back to him somehow. But now he has also got a girl friend who came to Canada for him only from Brazil. I feel confused and distracted. What should I do?

Neither seems that available to you, so forget them both, and make a fresh start with someone who is a lot more available.

Usually when we can't make a choice about who to be with, then we really don't need to be with anyone.

Have some fun being single. There are more options, and opportunities, if you look around.

Why do you needs someone any way??

I think that you're lacking emotional maturity, but this will come with time (hopefully). In the meanwhile, stop using your best friend as a crutch. Either you make the decision to be with him or you go find passion elsewhere. Once you understand that passion fades no matter who it is you're with, you'll be better equipped to make relationship decisions.

The passion, or lust lasts about 3 years on average, after that you have to get a relationship developed and estabished on some other grounds,

I broke up 4 months back and went through similar situations. There had been phases where I tried to hope things will be all right again, I had problems that's why he couldn't be with me, I was not really matured enough, he be with me, I was not really matured enough, he was a prophet and I was the evil one etc. etc. actually my ex boyfriend moved to a different city as well and I went to visit him, acting impulsively. The first time it was so difficult to realize that we are NOT TOGETHER anymore... we were still talking, feeling attracted to each other and basically enjoying each other's company. But we avoided the physical intimacy as it would have made the situation worse. But he even kissed me before parted for the last time/(during this trip). I went back again after three weeks as the pain was unbearable for me and I was feeling a stone in my stomach... but he didn't meet me this time... I left a bouquet at his door and never mentioned to each other about the incident... I went for a two month vacation to asia and never stopped thinking of him for a single day in the entire trip... I gotto know that he had started dating someone... n that special smeone was from a different country... I felt mad and heart broken and the pain started to creep up again... I visited his city again without contacting him... walked through the roads, parks, alleys, beaches :all the places where we went when I went there the first time... I came back even more heartbroken with a void and sheer madness... after I started work and school again I could hardly focus on anything... I deleted his contacts but didn't block him... started looking into his fb profile and saw pictures of them together... how can he move on? How could I be such a stupid fellow?? I'm in a NC now but always feel anxious about how he feels... if he still thinks of me... why couldn't things be otherwise... thousands of "why" questions which didn't lead anywhere...
I always knew that he was an honest person and really liked me... n he often told his friends as well I'm the girl of his life... situations changed he moved to a different city for work and I couldn't follow him as I'm already in a graduate program in a university and couldn't let everything go like that... he didn't want a "long distant"relationship and so we had to part... it was okay as long as he was not seeing anyone else... now I feel crazy and I just don understand how to react? I have stopped contacting him for the last two weeks but that doesn't really mean that I have erased him from my memory... he was nice to me and I wanted a future together with him but I couldn't loose everything to chase him in his new destination... he wrote me last month that he plans to visit my city with his new girlfriend and invited me specially to meet him... well, I told him I won't but I feel so desperate to see him... do you think keeping in touch could lead into any positive result?? Can we be back together if I keep in touch with him?? Or I should just refrain myself from any activity that can bring us in contact again?

Meeting up with him while you are still not over him is a really bad idea!! He has someone new so it's best for you to start accepting that and get on with your healing process.

Not easy I know , but a lot easier than seeing him with someone else and just making you feel worse for longer.

Refrain from any activity that can bring you into contact with him again. This guy doesn't deserve to see you. Especially not with his new girlfriend at his side. Let this fellow go and focus on YOU. Time to get selfish.

Break-ups are tough and it does take a lot of willpower and strength from within. Keeping in contact with him isn't good nor seeing him because you aren't over him yet.

It is time for you to accept it over and begin your healing. Stop checking his FB and get rid of anything that reminds you of him. When thoughts of him creep into your mind think of something else instead of reliving any memories of him. You don't want to stay stuck because he have moved on and it is time for you to do the same.

Go hang out with friends. Join a gym, listen to uplifting music, take up a new hobby, etc. You can get through this but you have to want to. Like Gloria Gaynor said "You will survive"--make this your motto.

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Originally Posted by sbjkl

can we be back together if i keep in touch with him??? or i should just refrain myself from any activity that can bring us in contact again?

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It won't make a difference. If you were going to get back together, it will happen naturally, it can't be forced.

You should be spending time working on yourself. You're at a point where you are over analyzing all the little signs and details. You should be focusing on yourself. You should be spending time away from him so that you can recover from the break up. Once you've recovered, you will be in a better position to answer these questions. Who knows how you will feel about him by then (or vice versa), but at least you will be more objective about the situation.

I broke up with my ex seven months ago and we were in touch over chats and stuff. Three months back he got married to a woman whom he barely knew and we gradually decreased the frequency of out contact. Now his wife is really jealous of me and writes weird emails to me instructing me to get a boyfriend :P. In the beginning I tried to be polite and then tried to ignore her and when nothing worked I talked to my ex about the situation. I wanted him to resolve the issue between themselves instead of making me involved.But my ex is still in touch with me and actually this whole business brought the dialogue back in us. I don't know what to do... he is a very good friend of mine and I feel that I will really loose a great part of my life if I erase him... I am confused... We live in two far away cities now and don't have any chance to meet up or anything... I don't know if I am over with the whole business with him but I don't expect anything as we are just not available to each other... I miss him a lot but never expressed my weakness to him after I came to know about his partner... I don't even know about his feelings and stuff... I feel so confused; are there any suggestions?

Thanks guys. Took me a long time to thank you as I wasn't very happy with the suggestions. But actually I did all those things which you suggested and feel a lot better than a few months back. But recently something weird has happened. He got married to his girlfriend for some weird reason... it's not clear to anyone why he did so. Anyway I wasn't keeping in touch with him other than occasional "hi"/ "hello" when we see each other online... but a few days back his wife wrote to me a very rude email and basically instructed me to get a boyfriend so that she can feel secured. I was pretty polite to her but after she mentioned the same thing in a second email I decided to talk to my ex directly and asked him to settle the things between themselves instead of making me a scapegoat. We have been in touch after that but didn't talk about the incident anymore. I don't understand why he is still in touch with me if he has to face weird consequences at home for doing so? Is it wrong on my part to keep in touch with him?

Not your problem it's theirs.

Having said that I would suggest not keeping in contact with him if you aren't FULLY over him. Why would you want to be involved with their drama's anyway.

Thanks... actually I don't know what's it that drags me into it... I feel too tempted but maybe it was the final call and I should stop being in touch with them totally... but we have tons of common friends and they keep on updating me voluntarily... n I guess I love him... it's not okay to say this I know... but I can't help!

He's a married man, so he is off limits. My suggestion is, forget about him and move on, as though he's disappeared from the face of the earth. I know it's hard but you've got to do it.

So, is it just a ring which justifies all human emotions? Or answers every tension between two people?

I have to agree, also, I'd apologize to his wife, and out of respect for their relation, just don't talk to him anymore.

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Originally Posted by sbjkl

So, is it just a ring which justifies all human emotions? Or answers every tension between two people?

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He is married, He chose HER, not you. Harsh but it's true. Find someone closer to you, that isn't married. There's billions of men in the world, I'm POSITIVE that if you let someone in, eventually you'll have a weakness for them too.

Well it definitely sounds like you should just cut all ties , otherwise it just keeps you hanging on with False Hope and you become stuck.

And tell your friends to STOP updating you.

Thanks guys. I needed to hear this. I will remember.

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Originally Posted by sbjkl

thanks guys. I needed to hear this. I will remember.

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No problem. We hope you do remember, good luck. I suggest you stick to NO CONTACT. This means delete him from your Facebook, and your phone, change your number if you have to, but he is married and should not be leading you on, he is at fault in this way, because he knows better. Be strong, you'll find a man deserving of you. :)

Thanks again.

I will remember :)