Ask Me Help Desk - Need some adv1ce

Sorry for the seemingly typo in the subject, it was intentionall because it wouldn't let me say 'i need some advice' lol.

I'm a little confused by the police officers I've been dealing with.

My hsuband and I are getting a divorce. We were having trouble before, but yesterday he punched me in the jaw. So its set in stone now that we are done and over.

When he punched me in the jaw, I went to my moms house and called the cops and filed an order. I had to be at the residance it occurred at (something about my moms house being in another city, and they cops had to come to me at the city we lived at) and when they got there, issac was there too. They didn't arrest my husband or anything. I thought they were supposed to. All they did was make him go away to a friends house. 'to let him cool down' they gave him the option to leave, or take him to an over night cell at the station.

Aparently, because I yelled at him, it wasn't a case of abuse, or battery, it was a case of domestic disturbance.

Can I get some insight on the law a bit here? I'm a little confused about why he wasn't arrested for hitting me. (the same thing also happened to a friend of mine a couple years ago, her husband wasn't arrested for beating her up either, they just took him to jail over night for a 'cool down' period. )

Here is a site that may be able to give you some insight as to the law and enforcement (or lack of) for domestic violence in your area.
If nothing else they should be able to put you in the right direction.

Violence Against Women - State Domestic Violence Resources

Thanks hon. Going to go read hehe. (it seems I've been reading all day about all this stuff lol)

It's not a case of domestic disturbance. Domestic disturbance would be if you and your husband were yelling at each other and the neighbors called in.

He hit you, you called the police, that's assault Jennie, plain and simple.

I've been following your other thread: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...388530-12.html

Jennie, there are a few inconsistencies in your story and you need to be completely honest if you want help from us. I understand this may be difficult but a lot of things just aren't adding up.

In your other thread you said your husband got angry and punched you in the face but you initially said you were still in the home (yet oddly enough took the time to post on AMHD before getting away to safety).

Quote:

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

i need to start getting our stuff together. we will NOT be here when he gets home from work. if it was just me, i would stay to tell him why im leaving and, yes, as bad as it sounds, possibly take the chance of getting hit again.

Then you said you filed a report yet were told you couldn't be helped because domestic violence is so common. Doesn't make sense because that dispatcher (or whoever you think you talked to) didn't know whether he had a gun, knife, or any other weapon.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

yes i filed a report. not much can really be done at this point, as from what i understand, domestic voilence in this area is VERY VERY common and the police have to be nuetral in these affairs. but the report is made.

Then you said you don't even know if you talked to a police officer so maybe you didn't file a report after all?

Quote:

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

ok ill call again and talk to someone else. it was a dispatcher. im not sure if they really are police officers or not.

Then you said someone is coming out to do an investigation on a different day which really doesn't make sense but you said it...

Quote:

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

i filed the report. and they said they are going to start the investigation tomorrow. i told them that the apartment manager took pictures and saw the damage herself, and one of the ladies in the apartment office accually saw him herself when he was 'throwing a fit' cause he came to the office to tell them that i left and he was acting like a jerk and cussing and screaming.

Now you're claiming you couldn't initially file a report because you were in a different city at your mother's house.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

when he punched me in the jaw, i went to my moms house and called the cops and filed an order. i had to be at the residance it occured at (something about my moms house being in another city, and they cops had to come to me at the city we lived at) and when they got there, issac was there too. they didnt arrest my husband or anything. i thought they were supposed to. all they did was make him go away to a friends house. 'to let him cool down' they gave him the option to leave, or take him to an over night cell at the station.

aparently, because i yelled at him, it wasnt a case of abuse, or battery, it was a case of domestic disturbance.

can i get some insight on the law a bit here? im a little confused about why he wasnt arrested for hitting me. (the same thing also happend to a friend of mine a couple years ago, her husband wasnt arrested for beating her up either, they just took him to jail over night for a 'cool down' period. )

Also, I find it odd that the police would force a victim back into the house with the aggressor - doesn't seem to be in your best interest. And I don't believe that they gave him an "option" on whether he wanted to go to jail or not.

Here's the law: Domestic Violence is a criminal charge and the victim doesn't get a say so in whether charges are pressed. Nor would the assailant have the option on going to jail or going somewhere to "cool off". The STATE presses the charges. It is their duty to keep you and your daughter safe.

Given the way you've presented things this is what I'm reading:

My husband assaulted me
I hung around the house long enough to blog on AMHD (instead of calling 911 and making a report right then and there)
I went to my mother's house to get away
I tried filing the police report but were told they couldn't help me because they think it's the norm for women to be beat up and they have to stay neutral
I tried filing a police report with a dispatcher and they told me to go back to the house because I have to be in the place where it happened (regardless of being in danger)
I go back to the house with the police (to file a report) and my husband opted out of jail by promising to be a good boy
The police are planning to come on a different date to take a statement and do an investigation (which... isn't that called a report?)

Here's a site I found with info from your state: Arizona Domestic Violence Law - Phoenix AZ Attorney Craig C. Gillespie

I am not attacking you but as I said in the beginning, you must be completely honest if you want help from us. I've been a victim to domestic violence so I don't take this lightly. I'm also familiar with the thought process of a victim and your behavior isn't consistent. Your story is all over the place and it's just not jiving. I'm also familiar with how domestic violence cases are handled; certain nuances may vary by state but overall the main objective is to keep the victim safe. Your story flip flops quite a bit, Jennie.

Jennie, I apologize, but I have to agree with NM here.

IF you did call the cops while you and your husband were together, and in your other thread you say you don't bruise easily, it is possible that he was not arrested because there was no physical evidence of abuse. A domestic disturbance is one in which there is a lot of screaming, yelling and threats, but no physical violence. And, yes, they will make the aggressor leave the home for a period of up to 24 hours in a domestic disturbance.

Now, your story does have a lot of holes in it. If you want accurate advice, you really need to get your story straight.

I would also like to say that it is downright dangerous to post your name, your husband's name and your daughter's name via the internet. Using an IP address locater anyone can find where you are at any time.

Jennie, it's not that we don't believe you, but your two threads just don't add up. Were you at home or your mother's when you called the police?

Quote:

my husband was talking in the background asking what was for dinner.

I kindly said 'hang on hon, ill tell you in a sec'

I said it in an offhand, converstional way. Just an every day comment.

Kindly or offhand? They really are two different things.

Quote:

so I hang up. And go to talk to him. And he comes rushing over. And PUNCHES ME IN THE FACE

This was posted at 12:10pm

Quote:

I need to start getting our stuff together. We will NOT be here when he gets home from work.

This was posted at 12:25pm a little after noon.

Quote:

domestic voilence in this area is VERY VERY common and the police have to be nuetral in these affairs

Posted at 11:29 pm

Now, these three posts were all on the same day. And the 11:29 post is a bunch of BS. Police are NOT neutral in domestic violence.

Jennie honey, we just need the REAl story, the WhOLE story.

And finally, I don't mean to offend, but you are very open with your Bipolar Disorder... Are you taking your meds?

You don't have to have a police report to file for an Order of Protection.

If you want to move on with your life, then move on. Your husband is not Ayla's father, your divorce will be simple. File a restraining order and leave, then you don't have to antagonize about all of the issues, just move on to a healthier lifestyle.

The police shouldn't have asked you to go back to the residence and it's not very realistic that they would, they would have told you that they couldn't handle the situation in their jurisdiction because the assault didn't happen there. You would have needed to go back to the juridiction of your husbands house to file with the appropriate cops, even if it was just to go to your local Taco Bell to make the report.

Also, when there is an assault it is not Domestic Disturbance. You yelling would have had no affect on the outcome, he assaulted you. You are allowed to yell, even if you were to hit him back following the first assault, it's the first assaultor who can be taken to jail.

There is a cool down period that can be given in a non-physical altercation. They will ask one party to leave for the evening, in order to lessen the altercation with time. Many people have fights that get out of hand but a cool down period is sufficient for aleviating the tension.

This would have all been determined by the police officers who took the report and their perception of a persistent threat in the situation. What I find very different is that when you first talked about the situation, you never mentioned filing with the police, not until Alty recommended, then you already had filed.

This is a serious issue, I wish you all the best, but your best option is to start letting go and moving on, not dwell in the dramatics.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

even if you were to hit him back following the first assault, it's the first assaultor who can be taken to jail.

Nope, not anymore... they BoTH would have been taken to jail.

I agree with NM, J9 and Justy.

Jennie, things aren't adding up.

It seems that when you're questioned about something then your story changes.

I've been the victim of assault, not at my husbands hand but by previous boyfriends. I have to say that what shocks me most is not the inconsistencies but the LOL's and Hehe's and lightheartedness of your posts. That's simply not how someone who's just been assaulted reacts. It's really shocking to me.

Jennie, you really need to tell us the whole story, be honest if we're going to be able to help you.

No one is here to hurt you, we're all here to help, but we need the truth in order to do that.

Jennie, I too have been abused. Not by my current husband, but in the past.

As an abused spouse, and from sheer experience, I can tell you that I smell something fishy going on here.

Jennie, I do hope you come back and talk to us about this.

This has been on my mind all day. I have to say, it's upset me.

Please come back and tell us exactly what's going on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Jennie, I do hope you come back and talk to us about this.

This has been on my mind all day. I have to say, it's upset me.

Please come back and tell us exactly what's going on.

Don't let it upset you Alty. You've had enough upset in your life lately. I don't take this site literally anymore, aside from a few very special people. I've been burned too many times.

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

Don't let it upset you Alty. You've had enough upset in your life lately. I don't take this site literally anymore, aside from a few very special people. I've been burned too many times.

I guess I trust too easily. That' s a bit of a surprise to me, I should know better by now. ;)

This just bothers me because there are so many women beaten every day. They're actually going through this and I really don't think Jennie is.

One thing I know, if you're abused, you don't forget it. You remember every single detail, for the rest of your life. I could tell you everything about every incident I've ever had. That's why I think we're being lied to, because Jennie's story is all over the place.

If she's telling the truth then she needs to tell us everything, be honest, stop with the LOL's and hehe's and back and forth and flip flopping. She needs to come clean.

Until then, I'm going to assume that she's not responding because she's been caught and doesn't want to admit it.

Jennie, really, we just want the truth. If you really were assaulted then we are here to help, but surely you can see why we're having a hard time believing this.

I believe Jennie has posted before that she is bipolar - and I'm also going to hope that this entire episode, the conflicting posts, perhaps the events leading to the posts, have been part of that illness. Perhaps she is not taking her medication.

At any rate, Jennie, people here care about you.

What's going on?

Most importantly - are you okay?

My suggestion would be to go to the police station, in the locality where the assault occurred, and sign an actual complaint against your husband charging him with assault. Do it ASAP while the details are still fairly fresh in your mind. It may not result in his immediate arrest but it will at least be an opportunity to get him convicted and sentenced. I can't predict what the actual sentence would be in your situation. But evidently the police in your area aren't going to take aggressive action based on an ordinary complaint.

Quote:

Originally Posted by s_cianci

My suggestion would be to go to the police station, in the locality where the assault occurred, and sign an actual complaint against your husband charging him with assault. Do it ASAP while the details are still fairly fresh in your mind. It may not result in his immediate arrest but it will at least be an opportunity to get him convicted and sentenced. I can't predict what the actual sentence would be in your situation. But evidently the police in your area aren't going to take aggressive action based on an ordinary complaint.

Not to start anything, but did you even bother reading the posts that followed the original one?

I personally haven't been abused but I know someone who called the police when her partner was getting violent. I've seen the police reports. This story doesn't add up.

After reading the other posts, I have to add that, in addition to the importance of your being consistent so that you can receive viable answers on this forum, understand that if you do end up taking any sort of legal action you'd better be consistent in your stories with the police, the judge and, if applicable, your attorney(s) ; otherwise you'll make a mockery of the system and the system will make a mockery of you. No cop, judge or lawyer will take you seriously if your story is riddled with holes and inconsistencies. Especially after Issac starts throwing in his two cents.

Quote:

Originally Posted by this8384

Not to start anything, but did you even bother reading the posts that followed the original one?

I personally haven't been abused but I know someone who called the police when her partner was getting violent. I've seen the police reports. This story doesn't add up.

I did read the other posts, after the fact. I've sort of been following jennie's story all along, which seemed to climax with her husband assaulting her and she declaring that she was going to get a divorce. I became a little lost once the police seemed to take what appears to be such a nonchalant attitude towards a domestic violence situation which, in my experience, usually results in the perpetrator immediately getting the cuffs slapped on him and hauled off to the local jail. Granted, I didn't pay too much attention to the little details like "I went to my Mom's house".. then "I went back home".. etc. but the holes in her story could explain why the police haven't taken her seriously. But my initial answer still stands in that, if he did in fact assault her, then she needs to press charges by signing a formal complaint with the police in her locality, since evidently charges haven't already been pressed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by s_cianci

My suggestion would be to go to the police station, in the locality where the assault occurred, and sign an actual complaint against your husband charging him with assault. Do it ASAP while the details are still fairly fresh in your mind. It may not result in his immediate arrest but it will at least be an opportunity to get him convicted and sentenced. I can't predict what the actual sentence would be in your situation. But evidently the police in your area aren't going to take aggressive action based on an ordinary complaint.

Do you read the other answers or just the original post and nothing that follows? Either that or you have trouble following the threads.

EDIT: I just saw your response. You did read what followed. It's difficulty understanding the situation that's the problem.

I'm sure Jennie hasn't gone to the Police and pressed for an arrest for a reason. In my area if the Police do nothing at the time they are also going to nothing X days/hours later.

And, yes, in my area if there is a "domestic incident" reported, whether there is visible injury or not, someone is going to be arrested.

I have been arrested and jailed for domestic battery.
My daughter was three months old, I was breast-feeding. My ex-husband was drunk and in an out of character foul mood. After hiding out with my daughter in my room for nearly an hour and a half, I risked going out into the kitchen. I don't remember how the altercation began but I remember he cornered me in the corner of the kitchen back against the counters. As he continued to yell/spit in my face about how fat & ugly I was since having our daughter I ended up pushing him to get out of the corner and go back into hiding in our room.

After I pushed him, he turned around and punched me in the stomach. I lost my breath, was curled up into a ball. He turned around and went back to the T.V. I got our daughter and left, drove to my parents about 15 minutes away, but didn't have the nerve to go in and tell them what happened. I decided to go home and just hide the rest of the night, as it was now pretty late.

The cops showed up after I returned home. I was arrested for being the abuser, thankfully it was a Sunday evening but you aren't allowed a bond for domestic battery, so you are jailed. Since it was a weekend my case wasn't called until 4 p.m. that Monday, where I was released of my own recognizance, but wasn't released until 7:30 p.m. that night. (That's how long paperwork takes, apparently). It was mortifying.

They don't question domestic disputes anymore since there have been so many murders within the 24 hour separation period. They are very willing to throw an abuser in jail. I don't think that it's very likely that in this day and age, they would walk away from someone who had punched another. Usually if the altercation is physical by both, they will take both parties. The only reason that we both weren't arrested was a three month old baby and they had to arrest one, I was the mark for making the first contact.