Ask Me Help Desk - Is 20 too young for Marriage?

I've been going out with my girlfriend for about 3 months, and we're pretty serious. I know it's cliché, but I've never felt this way about a girl before, and she's said the same to me. We both said 'those three words' to each other about a month in, and now we're talking about marriage and starting a family!!

I know that I want to be with her for the rest of my life, and that I do love her deeply, but I'm only 20 and she's 21 - it worries me that we're too young to fall in love this way. What do yo think?

YES!

WAYYYYY too young. I don't recommend ANYONE and mean ANYONE getting married before age 25. Most men not before they are 30.

First off, forget the age. It's waaaaaaaaaaaaaay, WAY too early to even think about starting a family together, much less marriage. You two barely know each other after 3 months. You don't know a person in their entirety just because you spend all of your time with them. On top of that, it is very easy to confuse lust with love, know what I mean? The two of you should be willing to add some patience and care.

I suggest you start taking it slower before the two of you get any more serious than you already have. Think about it this way: If you want long lasting results, you need long lasting patience and commitment from EACH of you. If you suggest it or she suggests it and conflict arises over 'waiting' or prolonging marriage and a family, then it simply won't work between the two of you.

I can only ask WHY?

Why do you have to marry her?

You don't know her. You can't after only 3 months.

Please please please don't ask this girl to marry you. It will end in hurt.

Just slow down, breathe, and get to know her. There is so much time for marriage.

I can't stress enough how bad an idea I think it would be for you ask this girl to marry you.

There is an endless list,

Too young
You don't know her properly yet
You have gone way too fast
You are smothering her

There are endless reason why I don't think it is advisable.
And I really don't think there is one good reason why you should.

No one will convince me that you know this girl properly or know if you really love her. No one!

I can't begin to tell you how fatal going too fast almost always is. The foundation to love really does take time to build, time and lots and lots and lots of experiences with each other. So you know each other in the worst ways imaginable and have survived great stressors together. Three months is but one breath's worth. Desperation diguises itself in words exactly like yours so prove it wrong by slowing way way down. Enjoy that you have said the words and felt the feelings but mutually agree to set some of it aside for now (suspend talk of marriage and family and plans like that for later, next year even or five) and grow into your relationship.

Go and read the hundreds and hundreds of threads here where people are breaking up after about 2 - 4 months because they went way too fast.

They thought it was love but it was lust.

They lost themselves in the other person and eventually that pushed on of them away.

Please slow down. There are so many example in the relationships section for you to read and see what we mean by going too fast.

You are going too fast!!

SLOW this train down, as my good friend Tal would say!

3 months and you talking about marriage.
You are both going through the lust stage where everything seems rosey, well it may be, but 3 months!!
WAY TOOOOO EARLY, I don't necissarly mean the age, but 3 months, there's still lots of getting to know one another stages.

Enjoy it.. don't rush into anything, especially as all is going great between you.
Marriage is a full commitment.

Enjoy your relationship together, have fun, get to know each other through and through, there's no rush, now is there?

I don't think it's necessarily that you are too young, but more that your relationship is too young. Its only been 3 months. That's not nearly enough time to learn someone's true self and to see if you are truly compatible. I would say wait at least another year. If you are still together and feeling the same way, then maybe think about marriage.

Sgn1985, how do you feel about the responses here?

Sgn1985-You may think marriage is a good idea now, but hold off 3 more months and see how you feel when the lust is gone. Is sex still hot and does the earth still move. Is her breath still like perfume in the morning, is life still lovely, or is she turned off by your hygiene now. Things will change and if this is real you should give it a chance to grow and mature while you two nurture this relationship. Take the time and care to do this right and you'll have something. Rush through and hope it works will be a disaster. Slowly build things and they have a chance to last. Slow this train down and enjoy the ride.

I don't mean to push the envelope here by adding more (I don't nag, I try my best to help by informing. :) ), but think about values, priorities and how quickly things can change. Values and priorities between a couple have to mesh well together and compromise plays a huge part.

First one most face the facts, if you are serious about marriage you must remember, marriage is 50/50 about caring, respecting each other, discussing any problems that may come forward as time pass, it's a two way street of give and take.

My personal thoughts about that is never argue, aways discuss any problem.
Arguing leads no wear! Ten minutes later you still have the same problem to discuss!

Ok, I don't think I made the question very clear, judging by all of your rather pasionate responses (thankyou btw). Although we've talked about it, we both know that it is too soon for marriage. I was asking if 20 is too young to fall in love - and I can assure you that it is not lust, although I do agree strongly with everything else that's been said.

There is no right or wrong age to fall in love, but the maturity of the people involved is what matters. What good is love if it is not reciprocated? What good is love if neither know how to make it grow and last? If after 3 months you think your in love then just enjoy it and see where you are in another 3 months. Look at what you have and enjoy it for another 3 months and look around and see where your at. If you like it still then go another 3 months and enjoy it. Am I making my point? There is no hurry when your in love.

Of more concern to me than your ages is the fact that you've only known each other for 3 months. That's not very long at all and much too short to be saying "those three words" and talking about marriage and a family. Especially since you're only 20 and 21 years of age. It's hard to earn enough when so young and inexperienced to support a family. That will add tremendous stress and strain to a marriage that may very well present issues due to its prematurity. There's certainly nothing wrong with looking ahead to the future but make sure you really are ready before making any moves. Work on acquiring an education and marketable skills so that, when you do marry, whether it be this girl or someone else, you'll be ready financially. Remember, marriage and family cost more than most people realize. At age 20 you've got plenty of time and there's no need to rush. Take the time you have to really get to know this girl before deciding whether she's the one for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sgn1985

Ok, I don't think I made the question very clear, judging by all of your rather pasionate responses (thankyou btw). Although we've talked about it, we both know that it is too soon for mariage. I was asking if 20 is too young to fall in love - and I can assure you that it is not lust, although I do agree strongly with everything else that's been said.

I don't necessarily think that 20 is too young to fall in love. Keep in mind, however, that, at age 20, you're still growing, probably not physically but mentally and emotionally. And, at age 20, you've still got a long way to go in that area. At 25 you'll be a different person than you are now at 20. At 30, you'll be a different person than you'll be at 25. It will take until about age 35for your character to become "cast in stone", so to speak. I'm not suggesting that you have to wait until you're 35 before making any life decisions such as marriage. Family, career, etc. However, understand that these changes are going to take place and you (and she) have to be prepared for that. Things could change drastically between you in the next few years. I'd suggest you coast in the romance department until you're at least 25.

Quote:

Originally Posted by s_cianci

Work on acquiring an education and marketable skills so that, when you do marry, whether it be this girl or someone else, you'll be ready financially. Remember, marriage and family cost more than most people realize.

Wow, I completely forgot that marriage was about how much money a couple can earn. I thought it was a balance of many things and that money, although part of the balance, was largely irrelevant.

And by the way, she is a graduate already earning around £15k ($27k), and in a few years I will graduate as a Doctor. We've got that area covered ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by sgn1985

I've been going out with my girlfriend for about 3 months, and we're pretty serious. I know it's cliche, but I've never felt this way about a girl before, and she's said the same to me. We both said 'those three words' to eachother about a month in, and now we're talking about marriage and starting a family!!!

I know that I want to be with her for the rest of my life, and that I do love her deeply, but I'm only 20 and she's 21 - it worries me that we're too young to fall in love this way. What do yo think?

Iam 21 and my boyfriend of about 7 years, my first love, each others 1st sex, we both have had only one other partner, I am 21 and her is 25. I love him trust him and have though about breaking up with him from friends telling me I'm young and should experience being single, but I always told myself "why look for something better when you have everything you would want in a guy", and an amazing relationship, almost fairytale. Now I'm graduating college in May 07, there is pressure from his granparents calling saying to my boyfriends mom, "are they talking about getting engaged? or something like I want a grandchild lets get working on it" Now getting to my point, yeah we talk about marriage almost like its going to happen and its not a surprise to us. We are trying to save money so we can buy property and have a nice wedding. Living in NY where its very expensive to live is harder then most areas. You got nothing but a 3000 dollar mortgage on a small cheap home, who can afford that at 21, 25? Then you go taxes and all that other bull.
MY ADVICE TO YOU IS TO LET YOU IN ON THE WAY I LOOK AT THINGS WITH ME AND MY BOYFRIEND. "BASICALLY WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND WITHOUT EVER SAYING THIS TO EACH OTHER I KNOW AND HE KNOWS THAT WE BOTH FEEL, IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE THAT MUCH AND KNOW YOUR MADE TO BE WITH OTHER, WHY NOT WAIT TO GET MARRIED? MARRIAGE MEANS A lot TO ME I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO NEVER GET MARRIED TO THERE SOUL MATE BC OF SUPERSTITION OR WHATEVER IT IS. I AM VERY FOR IT BUT WHAT IS THE RUSH? YOU HAVE MORE THEN 1/2 YOUR LIFE WITH THAT PERSON AND WHEN YOUR YOUNG That's YOUR CHANCE TO SUCCEED AND GIVE YOUR FAMILY YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN A NICE LIFE, BETTER THEN YOU HAD IT. MY MOTHER HAS LITERALLY SAID TO ME THAT EVEN THOUGH SHE LOVES MY BOYFRIEND, SHE HAS SAID HE Isn't GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME AND I NEED TO PRETTY MUCH LOOK FOR SOMEONE YOU WILL BE ABLE TO SUPPORT ME FINANCIALLY. IN OTHER WORDS MARRY FOR MONEY. OKAY? PRESSURE I KNOW. DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS RIGHT, BUT A RING, OR SOME WORDS THEY MEAN A lot BUT LOVE AND IS THE STRONGEST AND IS REALLY WHAT IS GOING TO HOLD YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND TOGETHER, ITS NOT GOING TO BE BECAUSE YOUR "MARRIED" TO THAT PERSON OR TIED TO THAT PERSON BY A RING, YOUR LOVE WILL HOLD YOU TOGETHER, SO DO IT WHEN ITS RIGHT. AND EARN AN EDUCATION NOW. WRITE ME BACK [email protected]

Sign what you are currently experiencing is the feelings of excitement over a new relationship. You need to wait until those wear off and see if you can still make it work when the "fantasy" has wore off. Cianci gave some of the best advice on this board and you wrote it off. We are speaking from experience and although it isn't what you want to hear it comes from real life.

I have to agree with all the posts! The age of the relationship - 3 months only! That is more like being in heat than being in love. Your own physical ages - while you are an adult by standards - what is your emotional age? Can you handle the responsibilties of marriage, family, and alllllllllllllll that comes with it? If you say yes, I can handle all that - which part of you is answering that? Your rational, well thought out side or your side driven by hormones?

Take your time with this - as all things - if it is meant to be yours - it will be.