My Husband and I have been married for 5 yrs now. He went to a strip club and got five Lap Dance from the same ummm girl. He also lied and wasn't at work that night. He came home at his normal time and everything. But when he came home I asked him why he smelled like cosmetics? He said he didn't . I trusted my husband and never had a reason to doubt him. Until a week later I have never opened his check stub but something told me to and well there it was he was short 6 hrs. When I asked he lied again by saying he was on a no mind cruise. I did not buy that. To make a long story short I eventually found out he was there and did that and now I don't know what to think. He says I'm making a big deal out of nothing. But to me it was wrong and he knew it. The girl was totally naked and all over him. To me that is cheating. I begged him for attention for week and months and he would'nt or couldn't. But he liked the attention and said she was cute.Is it worth even working on a marriage with such lies and discust? Am I making too much out of the 5 lap dances and the lies?( the best part is he said he didn't even get an errection)

No you are not making too much out of this. A happily married man will not feel the need to go to strip clubs and get lap dances from women he doesn't know. Him lying about it makes it even more troubling because if he can't tell you, it means he knows he is doing something wrong. What you do next is your decision, you can either leave him or suggest counseling. I hope you will make the decision that is right for you. Good luck.

We are in marriage counseling , I just don't know if it is helping me. I think it is helping him

Why don't you go with him next time and see what it is all about? Maybe it can be something you can enjoy together or even later after you have left. He might have know OR thought you didn't approve, so tried to keep it quiet.

Try it, before you judge too harshly you might like it.:)

Edit: and if he REALLY is not getting an erection, than maybe there is something wrong and he is trying all options.

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Originally Posted by maryu

We are in marriage counseling , I just don't know if it is helping me. I think it is helping him

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I don't think he'd be lying and hanging around strip clubs if the counseling was working. He went out of his way to cover up what he did... you can't be expected to get over it so quickly.

I have asked him to take me to the club with him. He asked why so I told him... I have never been to one before. And as for the counseling that was to help after he went to the club and lied. See he first started not to be interested so I asked him to see a doctor for this ED problem and suggested counseling to help him talk about things. He does not communicate anymore. This happened out of the blue to me. He normally is not this way. I just don't get why a married man that has a wife and is trying to tell him there is a problem with him would go to strip club and waste money to find the same result. It isn't like he didn't say he loves me and wants the marriage. I just don't know what to do to forgive him. He asks me what I want but how can I tell him when I myself is disappointed and to honest I feel like total... Im not ugly and I don't weigh a lot but I have gain some weight. That's why I thought he went because he said she was cute and he enjoyed the attention.(NOT THAT I WASN'T WILLING TO GIVE THE ATTENTION) I went from a size 4 to a size 10. I sit the weight? Please help!

Sounds like the two of you have a lot of issues to iron out. However, it doesn't seem like he's willing to put the effort to make it work.

Instead of him asking you what you want, maybe you should ask him what he wants. He sounds so carefree. He doesn't seem like he genuinely cares about your emotional needs whatsoever.

If he doesn't even tell you what he wants to do to fix your marriage problems and if he can't provide you what you want, then why continue?

It sounds like he's not even telling you what he wants. If you go to marriage counselling, make sure both of you lay out the things that you want and see how you can work on them.

There could be many possible reasons for this roadblock.

He may be turned off by your weight gain, and doesn't want to admit to it, or hurt your feelings. If this is a possibility, have you noticed at any time, remarks, or 'looks', or reference to you compared to other women?

He may indeed have erectile difficulties, and sees you as the cause, either the above reason, or other reasons about himself, or his relationship, or stress at work. It is not an easy thing for a man to admit. Maybe his excuses are all over the place because he is thinking it can't possibly be something wrong with himself, not caused by anybody.

He may have done the lap dance thing to regain sexual feelings toward a woman, or to prove to himself that he could get turned on and get an erection. This woman that did the lap dance, is only doing a job, and he is only expecting a service (lap dance), and there is no relationship, or one night stand to test that theory.

I think you are putting too much into the lap dance, and not enough into finding out what the real reasons are. I don't think you have the answers yet.

As to trusting him. He could have done a lot more dangerous, risk taking things sexually with women, but he didn't. He had a lap dances, and came home. What's the big deal.

I too hope that you continue with counselling, and bring up two points when you go, that you want addressed. One is how he feels about you physically (which I don't think it is, but just to get that out of the way), and other thing is address the problem of erectile difficulty, and get the counsellor to back you up, in recommending he have a physical and speak to a doctor about it.

If this is what it is, then the truth will finally be on the table, then trust won't seem such a unreachable goal.

My take on strip clubs is you have two types of guys that go there ,first the ones that go with friends and celebrate something which I think is harmless then the ones who go by themselves and stalk out one girl and spend the whole time with her.this is what he did and it IS a proublem

First off, you shouldn't have opened his check.

But putting that aside, he is a liar. Do you think you can live like that? Trust is paramount in any relationship .

As far as going to a strip club with a bunch of his buddies, that's one thing, but to get a lap dance, much less 5 lap dances, that's something that is a little too intimate for a married man to be doing.

What's next?

I think I can see why counseling may not be working for you, yet.

I don't think you are through punishing him for what you perceive to be "cheating" and the attempted cover-up (lying). It really doesn't matter what I think of strip clubs or lap dances-one or five or one hundred. What matters is how you feel about them and for your peace of mind why you feel that way. I am not saying that what you think or feel is right or wrong. Only that if you understand where those feelings are coming from it might make it easier to explain to your husband why you feel so angry and hurt. When you are open to it, the counseling should help with that.

Something that tends to get lost in a relationship is that how you discuss the problems with your mate matters a lot. There is huge difference between talking with someone and talking to someone. Most people shut down if they feel like they are on the receiving end of a lecture. To keep communication lines open both parties have to be willing to listen to what the other person is saying not just hear the words and put their own spin on them. Once again, the counseling should help both of you learn to communicate better. That in itself may help with the older sexual issues.

I actually think the lying about the strip club visit is more a result of what he knew your reaction would be. Like most people (children do it a lot) will attempt, he was trying to stay out of one form of trouble and managed to make it worse and get himself in even more. It's like he broke the cookie jar to hide that he took a cookie without asking.

One last thought, one way to bring up going to the doctor for the ed problem is not to focus on the sexual aspect, but that it can be a symptom of other health issues. That might help him feel less sensitive about talking to a doctor.