Last summer we were at a party with husbands coworkers and I noticed that he and the female coworker were very giggly and laughing while I stood in a distance watching because he left me standing and took off. I had never seen her before but knew of her. She is single, and very attractive and sexy which totally surprised me since they work in a very dirty job. Well after that evening my husband begins to tell me how she is his "buddy" which I didn't quite understand. Next thing I know she takes a liking to me and we start going out with her and her family to parties and functions which is fun. But, I am always having to hear about how they are buddies and friends from my husband. Well last week we were at a graduation party and next thing I know he is dancing with her. She is wearing a low cut top and dancing very sexy about 3ft away from him. I was not invited. I became furious and told hubby we were leaving. In the parking lot he starts yelling at me and begins to tell her and her family that we fight because my wife thinks were having an affair. Yes, we have had this coversation in our private marriage. He then tells her in front of me that you're my buddy man best friend. WHAT!! There have been other instances of him and her being chummy. I found out after the fact that he had helped her get overtime with him early in the mornings during the winter months. Found this out while he is telling her family. I don't know where to go with this.

This does sound fishy. He does seem very close to her. If you are suspicious, you have to bring it up to him like you did. It's worse to bottle it in and he will also assume that you are comfortable with the idea of his buddy.

However, I suggest that you approach him more calmly. I know that the emotions are very heated at the moment, but try to stay as calm as possible when expressing your dissatisfaction. If he really cared about you, he will understand and he will adjust his friendship with her.

Remember, if you handle this in a mature manner, he will do the same. But if you start yelling, he's just going to yell back to defend himself and that's not going to help anyone. It will only cause a bigger rift between the two of you.

Let me start with this.. OUCH! My stomach burns reading that! Well Love is an ACTION not a feeling. If we are doing something that makes our spouse uncomfortable/ hurts their feelings we need to take action and do what we can, within reason, to fix or change. That's what love/marriage is about,. Growing together. I'm no expert, and am far from perfect.. nor is my marriage... BUT when you tell him these things and if he truly Loves you he would try to hear you out and be a TRUE friend to YOU his Mate, which he chose to cherish all the days of his life. I wish you luck.. hope this was , if not helpful at least encouraging.. to Love yourself. :p

Many people have 'work husbands' or 'work wives' people they are close to and share things with (no sex) but I haven't heard of family getting involved.

Do you guys have other friends you do stuff with? If so make plans with them, it sounds different that the 2 of you are hanging with her family, unless there mutual friends involved.

No matter how irrational I get, I would never forgive my husband yelling at me in front of people, even friends. (unless of course I was yelling first, but that wouldn't happen) He's not my father or keeper.

No matter how friendly he is with them and no matter how much fun he was having, If you wanted to go, (no matter what the reason) he should have just said "Thank you, but we need to be going now"

If he needed to yell, he could do it later in privacy.

You do need to calmly talk to him about this and let him know how this makes you feel.

I myself had many female friends when I met my wife, and over the course of meeting them, and having a great time, guess what? They are all her very good friends, after more than 30 years of marriage, SHE STOLE THEM FROM ME!! Took 'em all! :eek:


Not trying to be harsh, but.............

The point is, instead of arguing about his female friends, whom you are meeting and partying with, get to know them, so they are FAMILY FRIENDS.

Your reactions, and actions, sound like insecurity, and jealousy, more than something he is doing wrong.

Get it together, you could be making a molehill into a mountain, and should be enjoying, instead of suffering, and fighting.

How old are you??

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I myself had many female friends when I met my wife, and over the course of meeting them, and having a great time, guess what? They are all her very good friends, after more than 30 years of marriage, SHE STOLE THEM FROM ME!!!! Took 'em all!! :eek:


Not trying to be harsh, but.............

The point is, instead of arguing about his female friends, whom you are meeting and partying with, get to know them, so they are FAMILY FRIENDS.

Your reactions, and actions, sound like insecurity, and jealousy, more than something he is doing wrong.

Get it together, you could be making a molehill into a mountain, and should be enjoying, instead of suffering, and fighting.

How old are you???

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Yes, I can see where you would come to the conclusion of being jealous and insecure as I myself have been wrestling with that same thought for almost two years now. But, this is just one instance of many many more. I should have explained it better in my original post. We have been married almost 20years and I know when my husband is not acting right. I usually overlook a lot of things because I know him, but with this situation it is different. He worked with her one on one for about 5 months about a year and a half ago and I had no problem what so ever until one day he starts talking how they are really good buddies and his best friend and how he can talk to her about things. At first I was like OH, OK. Then I met her and saw how the two of them act around each other. Very flirty and giggly. Red flag went up. He forgets I am around when she is there. Seriously. Others have also been questioning this. One example is this past January my husband put a new diamond ring in layaway for me for our 20th anniversary. When we left the jewelry store he immediately grabs his cell phone and shuvs it to me and say here call so and so and tell her what you just got. I told him no! I did not feel comfortable in telling someone about my future ring he kept insisting and calling her number. Finally he left her a message on her phone. Why was he so insistant on her being the first to know. Yes, I am friends with her (not good friends just when I see her. I don't call her) Then we were at a function and he was talking with her about a procedure he had done and I overheard him tell her If it wasn't for you and your support I don't think I would have done it. Then he looks at me and says oh and you too hunny.
I am his wife and took care of all the appointments and took care of him after his procedure. I have been to a counselor and He agrees with me that this behavior is out of the ordinary. I can't help how other people act but I would like my husband to know what boundaries are and control how he responds to this situation. That is all I care about. Boundaries and respect. There will always be influences but as married people you have to know what the limits are.

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I can't help how other people act but I would like my husband to know what boundaries are and control how he responds to this situation. That is all I care about. Boundaries and respect. There will always be influences but as married people you have to know what the limits are.

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Yes you are right, but it does take two partners working together to define those boundaries. One of the things that the wife and I had to learn was the listening part when the other was talking, and I will admit to this day sometimes things do have to be repeated a few times (I'm kind of slow, alright).

We both go to a lot of lengths to keep our voices calm, as the way we express things are usually an indication if we fight, or argue about it.

What I have learned is when to back away, and bring it up later, at a better time, and that gives us both some time to digest our own thoughts, and emotions.

Believe me, arguing rarely accomplishes anything but resentments, and when there is an impasse (two stubborn souls who know they are right, so refuse to budge) somebody has to step back, and shut up.

The thing about boundaries is sometimes they have to change with circumstances, but some are always constant.

Knowing when to back off, and when to press your concerns, are a key to getting along after years of being together.

It also goes to my point about knowing his female friends well enough to talk to them, as a friend, as those boundaries have to be expressed, and established also, or you have confusion, and misunderstanding, and resentments.

This isn't about her being cute, or sexy, its more about how he gives her attention in public, for you I think. The major thing that I can say is how you react to it, is what will make a big thing bigger, or keep a healthy perspective, over the small things.

My wife deals with my rather gregarious public persona with a lot of humor, but one of the things I appreciate and react favorably to is her trust, and her security of my loyalty, which is never shaken ( I do dance with all the ladies at the party, always have), so if you want boundaries to be respected, set them during the calm together moments, with calm, and quiet reminders along the way. That reinforces things with out the big emotional drama, and lessens the need to be confrontational, especially in public.

That means you both must control your tempers, and think before you act, or speak.

Never assume your partner knows what's on your mind, or in your heart at any particular moment, but do work on ways to communicate where he can understand.

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Originally Posted by cs1002

There will always be influences but as married people you have to know what the limits are.

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Hello cs:

Women are different animals from men... I don't understand 'em. I never will.

But, I DO understand limits... When I got married, I promised to be faithful to my wife, and I WAS. But, I didn't know "faithful" to her meant that I would never look at another woman.. I didn't know it meant to her that I would NEVER masturbate, or watch porn again... I didn't know it meant that I could never have a female friend...

But, it meant ALL those things to her and more. That's why she's my ex.

I'm not saying your hubby doesn't have a crush on her... So what? He comes HOME to you. If you were secure with your marriage, you'd do as Tal said, and embrace his friends... The Most quick way to START an affair between them, is accuse him of it when he's innocent..

In fact, THAT'S where the problem lies, in my view - your accusations.

excon

I remember walking into my husband's office, 8 months pregnant, and seeing a woman sitting on his desk; the two of them were chuckling it up.

When I got up to the oblivious to the world couple, I said, "Get off my husband's desk", and she ran away.

I could tell by the look on my husband's face, that HE knew what he was doing not only bothered me, but was not appropriate.

YOUR husband's behaviour is not appropriate. I would say that even if 'she' were a 'he' buddy. Because of this woman, you are disrespected, dumped at social outings for her, and he shares everything with her, including your ring. That would severely tick me off.

I'm impressed that you sought counselling, and a third party pointed this out to him. That you went to counselling at all, should have shown him how uncomfortable you are with this woman, and he should have started towing the line.

A married man should not be buddies with a young, sexy, flirty, disrespectful co-worker.

She is also being disrespectful to you. She sees you as chopped liver? What's her fixation with your husband.

She needs to back off, and your husband needs to put his focus back where it belongs-you.

No more calls, no more dumping you at parties for her, no more public displays of affection for her, no more buddy buddy.

His ego is probably all that has been inflated- so far. But, I'd put an end to it before anything else gets excited.

Jake, I had to spread the rep, but I do agree with you. There IS something inherently disrespectful in his behavior, and although cs1002's public reaction may have been somewhat inappropriate, let's face it we're not all perfect!

I do also agree that his behavior would be odd even if it was a guy that was the friend. However, a work related friendship of the nature that cs1002 describes with a young, single woman will have, I'm sure, many people gossiping.

The ring thing seems strange to me. I wonder why he would think it important to let the flirty office friend know that he's bought his wife a ring? I can't quite get my head around that one. Perhaps to prove to her that he is married and that there is a boundary which can't be breached?

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I can't help how other people act but I would like my husband to know what boundaries are and control how he responds to this situation.

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In the final analysis we can't 'control' what others do even husbands (would that we could!). All we can do is tell them what we feel and provide parameters. It's their choice how to respond and these choices tell us a lot about their commitment (or not) to their relationships and marriages.

Your husband is behaving like a giddy teenager with this woman,and your left the play his mammy getting him to tow the line..

On one hand I want to say pack his bags,see how long she will put up with him,
On the other I want to say fight fire with fire.
He is not having sex with her,but he can have the time of his life with you,fanatises galore..
Send him to work jaded tired and a big satisfied smile on his face.

See how she likes them apples...

Its only a suggestion.

Do you both drink at these parties, and functions??

Is he infatuated with this other woman? I don't know. I have seen that same behavior (minus the dancing) in same sex friendships. Including the thanking the friend for giving the person courage to go through a medical procedure. Is he acting immature? It sounds like it. Is he taking you for granted? Yes, that happens in marriages. Until this started I wonder how much you were taking him for granted.

I have watched other friends get giddy about showing off or telling someone about a new acquisition. One very dear friend was that way about a new car he got for his wife. Best friends tend to do that type of thing.

I am not sure how much disrespect is in his actions as lack of understanding what is bothering you. The first party, where you didn't know anyone he should have introduced you to the other people. However, (and this is what my husband does quite frequently) it may be that he talks about you so much to them that he forgets you don't know the people.

The graduation party is another matter, did you really expect to be invited to dance with them? Or were you upset because he didn't ask you to dance? Did you think about asking him? Or anyone else? Did you try to have fun or were you watching and waiting for your husband to "overstep" your boundary? Did you want him to mess up so you could cause a scene (maybe subconsciously)? How did you inform him that you wanted to leave? By yelling across the crowd? Ordering him to get your stuff that you're leaving and stomping off? Or calmly telling him that you feel like you need to go home?

The woman is getting raked over the coals when she may be unaware of how strong your feelings are. If she is one of a handful or fewer women in a male-dominated field, she may be very grateful for someone who accepts her as a co-worker and friend and doesn't treat her like a punch-line or sex object. She may not have thought her dance style was overly sexy and you said they were three feet apart. So there are obviously some boundaries between them.