My husband left me last Sunday after my sons football game when I caught him on the cell phone talking to a woman he had met when he was away at work.We have been married 4 years, She lives in Virginia and is married with 2 kids. They haven't been talking long, I checked the cell bill. I went ballistic as to be expected. I didn't realize anything was wrong, he has been laid off that job for 3 weeks now so he is around town all of the time now. He has told his mother and sister that he didn't cheat on me not as much as a kiss, but still says he doesn't think we can work things out, he will still tell me he loves me and his step son and doesn't want to abandon him, like his father did. I have begged him to give me another chance, I know that probably is a mistake, but I really didn't know anything was wrong until that day, and I know I can change the way I may have treated him occasionally, which really wasn't that bad. I love him with all my heart and don't see myself moving on... We are going together to another ballgame today, I just don't know whether to keep bugging him, or I'm afraid if I try to put on a happy face and leave him alone, he will think that I did give up... Help!!

You catch your husband talking to another woman and you beg him to give you another chance? He is the one who should be begging you for another chance. Instead of asking whether he will come back you should ask yourself if you really want him to come back. Maybe this is a sign that you are better off without him.

I agree with the above post.

He is caught with his hand in the cookie jar,so to speak, and you are blaming yourself.

If you treated him badly,there are other ways to fix that.

Seeking out another woman is not an option!

I would not kowtow to this man. I would tell him in no uncertain terms that it is time to discuss this like adults and make a plan for a future together or not.

You should not have to put your life on hold while he decides to make a choice ,you or her.

Get a backbone,stand up for yourself and don't take the blame for his wandering eye.

How can you blame yourself for his behavior? You're the victim. He's the one who broke your trust. He's the one who has to earn it back.

But in your situation, it looks like he doesn't want to earn your trust back. On the contrary, you're the one begging for him to take you back as if you did something wrong.

You sound very emotionally needy. Maybe you need to work on some self-esteem and confidence issues before you pursue any relationship with another man.

You CAN go on without him. You MUST go on for the sake of your son. He cheated even if he didn't actually have sex with her ( I think that he did). Do you want your son to know his mother has no respect for herself, as to beg back a liar and a cheat?

He wants to be with someone else. I know that is a horrible feeling, but you need to try to stay strong and carry on not just for your son, but for you. Whatever you did, or didn't do, it's not your fault that your husband decided to be with another woman. You need to get that into your thinking. HE is guilty, NOT YOU.

I suggest you get a good attorney, one who specializes in divorce so you can take him to the cleaners .
The world is full of good, honest, men that won't cheat on you. This guy says that he doesn't want to leave your son like his biological father did. Guess what? He already has.

May GOD give you strength and serenity.

Your child has to be your priority. You have to keep your child's best interest first. An unhealthy relationship with your husband is definitely not in the best interest of your child.

I'm new at this, so I don't know how to add to my original post, but I think I messed up, or did I..?. My husband took us to the ballgame, dropped my son off early to get dressed and we headed to the ATM... and took a detour, we had sex along a lake in the woods in the middle of the afternoon... Does he really want to leave? Is he just leading me on?? Is he thinking of coming back? He still says he loves me, but I just left it at that and pretended nothing happened. It was entirely his idea, then he sat in the truck for an hour with a "headache" probably on the phone with her I am afraid, but not sure... Am I really an idiot for holding on? Is he just not sure? I feel better about the situation, but should I? Oh Lord I must be an idiot!!

What's going on? Something sounds 'not quite right' here.

Something is wrong with your communication - you need to TALK. Not have sex, not ignore what happened and hope for the best - you need to talk!

If you still love him and he (claims) he loves you then put on your boxing gloves and fight for your relationship.

Talk to him. Be direct. Let him know that you love him, but he has to choose - you or her - no pussyfooting around. Settle for nothing less.

I can understand that you're fearful of losing your marriage but letting him get away with this will just allow him to do as he pleases and you will lose his respect as well as the marriage.

He's already testing you - it's time to throw down the gauntlet and put him to the test.

You need to sort out your problems with him before you go back to sex. Because now you're just more confused.

If you had time to have sex, then you had time to work on your communication system and issues.

I didn't add before that he is 10 years younger than me, but that has never been an issue, he doesn't look it, or I don't I think, I am 41, everyone guess early 30's Thank God! I am not a religious person but I have prayed and even ask a Pastor in town to talk with him, but of course he refused... He says he's OK, but just doesn't know what is wrong... Just not happy... But what blows my mind is that it has NEVER showed before, just before he left, it was I love you every time I talked to him and he always called me beautiful and was so sweet, always has been!! He always said he'd never cheat on me because his mom and dad always did and that was just wrong... I think it is over finances and responsibility, I think it just got to overwhelming and he needed a break, but I intend to force the issue of him helping pay for the house if I can, we just bought it last August, it's a 110 year old Victorian and we were remodeling and having fun doing it. I don't want to sell it, I love it! I think I mentioned before, the other women he is talking to is married with 2 kids, so how does he think that responsibilities are just going to go away?? He hasn't taken anything from the house, but his work clothes and OUR Truck, he was laid off from his job and is drawing unemployment and
Working for a friend for cash under the table... Which yes, I have considered turning them in for, but would that benefit me? He has helped me with a few bills when I ask him to, although he likes to act like he doesn't have money... $400 a week unemployment plus probably $300 or $400 more cash from his friend maybe more, it was supposed to be $100 a day in the beginning. I just don't know what to do, I love him so much and I think a lot of it was I didn't express it enough while we were together, I had been in a bad relationship with my sons father for 15 years and that hardened my heart so much, but I worked on it, or so I thought... Is it to late, I do not want to loose him, he is my heart now!

I also need to add that my husband has been a wonderful father to my 11 year old son, he does things with him that his real father never did, bought him a dirt bike and just always did treat him like his own, my son also is devastated, because he says he doesn't remember his dad leaving and my husband was the only dad he ever had and he can't imagine life without him, he has even begged me to quit football, because he wants him to play... I think it's even harder, because my son looks like my husband, not his father... Just a wild coincidence... So I feel that I should hold on for my son's sake also, I am just hoping that he will realize that the grass doesn't get any greener, he came from nothing and now feels like he can have it all thanks to me I suppose, always has GOOD jobs ($40 per hour) till now, because I pushed him to better himself, I guess that's the age difference, maybe I pushed to hard... I would be so happy if he would just come home, no questions ask and I told him that. Maybe a mistake, but I couldn't help myself. I have lost 12 pounds, no appetite, no energy I don't know what to do... I don't want to give up... Am I crazy?? He has told his family that he never cheated, just talked, and I believe it so far, she is in another state... Help!

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Originally Posted by chelle2009

I also need to add that my husband has been a wonderful father to my 11 year old son, he does things with him that his real father never did, bought him a dirt bike and just always did treat him like his own, my son also is devastated, because he says he doesn't remember his dad leaving and my husband was the only dad he ever had and he can't imagine life without him, he has even begged me to quit football, because he wants him to play... I think it's even harder, because my son looks like my husband, not his father... Just a wild coincidence...So I feel that I should hold on for my son's sake also, I am just hoping that he will realize that the grass doesn't get any greener, he came from nothing and now feels like he can have it all thanks to me I suppose, always has GOOD jobs ($40 per hour) till now, because I pushed him to better himself, I guess that's the age difference, maybe I pushed to hard...I would be so happy if he would just come home, no questions ask and I told him that. Maybe a mistake, but I couldn't help myself. I have lost 12 pounds, no appetite, no energy I don't know what to do... I don't want to give up... Am I crazy??? He has told his family that he never cheated, just talked, and I believe it so far, she is in another state...Help!

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For heavens sake, I can understand that you're confused and in a state over what has happened - but you need to set some boundaries. There is no point telling him to come home because all is forgiven - you're just setting yourselves up to fail again.

He's keeping you waiting while you go crazy - tell him that he needs to decide - he either comes home and you work it out or he moves on. He can't have it both ways.

Stop having sex with him and stop pleading and crying. Make your position clear and let him decide. You then need to talk and come to some decision about what the relationhsip and the marriage means to you both - salary, age, etc are all irrelevant - what do you both want to do?

Ok... I'm still crazy. Found the girlfriends phone number and unsure what I wanted it for... Would it do me any good to confront her? Probably not, she is hiding too, because I picked up his cell just as she left a message for him to call when he could she was in the car, so she's sneaking around too!! I did block my number and call just to see if it was a girl because there was no name, just abbreviations... "Na" Investigated and found address and home phone too, I know I'm near stalking, but I am soooo depressed and hurt, I don't feel like I can go on without him, I know I can, if I sell the house, but I love it here, and I still love him with all my heart!!

Things are still the same with us, he isn't really talking much other than to say we can't work things out, that I have had my chance and didn't take it, he got a really good job offer but has to go out west for 3 weeks to train and I don't think he is willing, I am hoping that he will and maybe have time to think completely on his own and away from everyone. Not that it may be in my favor, but at least he may have a clear mind to reconsider everything. I know I sound pathetic, but I am extremely hurt and completely blindsided by all of this and I just feel that I deserve another chance to make this work... Please tell me that It is possible to win him back, I don't think he is ready to move on , still hasn't taken his things and hopefully he won't but I am not bothering him like I was, and have not contacted the women

You would be best served, I think by backing way off him, and letting him come to his own conclusions without your influence. No more begging, or pleading please.

You treat this like your on your own.

Listen to the advice given.

Listen.

You said in one of your posts 'he is my heart' he's not! He is having sex with another women,he is having pillow talk and most likely bad mouthing you to her..

Find your spine,at least for the sake of your child if not for your own sanity.

Pack a bag,and go on holiday,do not contact him!

Be strong,if you have been the hook he hangs his hat on,most likely the other women won't put up with him and he'll come back with his tail between his legs begging forgiveness,I only hope you tell him to go take a running jump of the nearest cliff!

It sounds like he is getting a lot of support from his mother and sister. Is he staying with them while he's away from your home? Does he at least call his step-son?

Whatever happened when he was working out of town, is still not on the table. He is using the phone/text to continue what was started there. This goes beyond what you said about them only talking for a short while. What happened before he came home is what you need to find out.

Whatever that amounts to, continues, and he is unable, and/or unwilling to even talk to you about it, let alone work on getting through it, and past it.

So you have hit a brick wall. The facts are what they are. No change will take place as long as the truth is hidden. You cannot deal with an invisible foe, whether it is his talk pal, or whether he has been looking for a way out of the relationship for a while. You have no way of knowing, unless he can start by being honest.

You cannot change what you do not know. Give him a time limit with clear expectations of what you will consider the very basic start of rebuilding your marriage. Ask him for enough respect that he can exclude his mother and sister from the intimacies of your marriage and your problems. As long as he's being propped up by them, he won't face what he's done with just you.

Consider marriage counselling as part of your expectations, and give him a time limit of say, 30 days.

During the 30 days, please... don't be a sex object. Have a little respect for yourself, and show some confidence in your ability to be rational, practical, and in control. Set your emotions aside until you know what you are dealing with, and in the meanwhile, go and see a lawyer, and know what your rights and obligations are.

Put yourself in a position of strength, regain your dignity and control, and take charge.

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Originally Posted by chelle2009

Things are still the same with us, he isn't really talking much other than to say we can't work things out, that I have had my chance and didnt take it, he got a really good job offer but has to go out west for 3 weeks to train and I don't think he is willing, I am hoping that he will and maybe have time to think completely on his own and away from everyone. Not that it may be in my favor, but at least he may have a clear mind to reconsider everything. I know I sound pathetic, but I am extremely hurt and completely blindsided by all of this and I just feel that I deserve another chance to make this work....Please tell me that It is possible to win him back, I don't think he is ready to move on , still hasn't taken his things and hopefully he won't but I am not bothering him like I was, and have not contacted the women

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My dear,yes,not to be harsh but you do sound kind of pathetic and needy and unrealistic.
You don't win people back.

You can't make someone love you if they don't.You know that but in your desperation,you are grabbing at straws.

Forget about the emotional side of this while he is away and get some legal help to insure that you are not left out in the cold.

Consider that you may have no choice but to give up the home you love.

Consider also that a home with two unhappy parents is no place to raise a child.

It is time to start planning a future without him in it.I know you have been blindsided and I don't just think it's the affair making him decide to leave.

He used you for sex and I don't know if that was to humiliate you or what but it shows a total lack of respect.Everything he is doing to you is showing a lack of respect!

It is time you stood up and said ENOUGH!

Make plans to live alone with your son.He is always going to be a priority.Show him,by example that he should never allow anyone to treat him less than honorably!

Had to spread the rep ArtLady, but that was a good point about sex for humiliation, and also about her son.

Thanks everyone, I think it may have finally sunk in, I am pulling back and laying low, my son has made me realize what kind of a person my husband has became, and I think I can move on with my life eventually. If it should work out later, then so be it, but right now, I really don't care, and it won't be because of any more of my efforts. Thanks again, I'll keep posting