So I am back again.. I'm dating an awesome guy or we don't even call it dating. We both have confirmed of our hurt past and are easing our way to be comfortable with each other as friends. He doesn't seem to like the idea or hearing about relationships but he clues in later on that he could be warming up to the idea of having one.he says he's emotionally unavailable, I sense he is but won't speak of it. He acts very caring and sweet and maybe a little needy of attention on some days. Asks me if I miss him which I think is a flag for being available. He may not be for the demands of what he thinks a relationship is asking for but what he offers is enough for me. He calls me his best friend. He's currently away on a business trip and offered to fly me out so I'll be seeing him soon. I had mentioned that if I come out there it would mean a more seriousness between us, he basically got scared about it and changed his mind about me going to see him. Then I talked to him saying it would be nice to see but without expectations and just to have fun. We had the sex talk and he said it would be up to me. He talks to me about missing our cuddling and what he wants to do with me. Even though the sex isn't there yet we share fantasies I guess to get a sense of what we both like. Which I believe is healthy than just jumping right in the sack. I know what to think but I don't like when words are inconsistent with actions even though actions are what shows and makes believing easier but what do you think? Is he just seeing a trial of how things would be before setting terms or what? I don't want to be demanding or controlling but I do have a fear he might just say one day well we're not together and him just leave with someone else.

The biggest red flag I see is you have not defined the boundaries between friends, and partners in a relationship. You act like your in one, you both do, but without the commitment of making it official. You both think that will save you from being hurt. It won't, but it will sure complicate the feelings your trying to protect.

I suggest you back away, and not cross those lines that separate friends, from couples. You need another way of getting emotional support other than him. So does he.

Maybe it's time to be more precise about the kind of relationship you want between the two of you. Sit him down and clearly define it. That will give you a clearer idea on how to move forward, instead of over-analyzing every little detail and sign.

To be honest,I would back off.

Your getting to know each other,that's OK,but there is nothing stopping you from dating other men too!

He has made it clear that he likes you,but nothing else..
At the very minimum he should be able to commit to each of you dating only each other.. with a view to develop the relationship.
If he can't do that,don't waste any more time on him,as nice as he is,he is not really giving you anything..
Be a little unavailable for a while,let him miss you.. see if he has a change of heart as to where he sees the potential for a real relationship.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

The biggest red flag I see is you have not defined the boundaries between friends, and partners in a relationship. You act like your in one, you both do, but without the commitment of making it official. You both think that will save you from being hurt. It won't, but it will sure complicate the feelings your trying to protect.

I suggest you back away, and not cross those lines that separate friends, from couples. You need another way of getting emotional support other than him. So does he.

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I agree with you Talaniman.. I asked him if eventually he would want to be with me. Then he says to just things play there course and enjoy the times we get to see each other. Then next day I told how the party was that I went to since he's not in town we joke around about dating too. I'll say the he would've enjoyed all the girls that were there because the ratio against guys was a huge difference. Then he said he wouldb've had me and every other girl would wished they were me. I don't know what to think.. I just said I already wished I was me if I had you. This whole thing is beginning to sadden me.. but I think I will wait to talk about it when I see him that will be in 2 weeks. He said he's emotionally available but how is that possible to miss someone?

A little about him he's been married he's 23 then was in one other relationship after his marriage. I keep telling him he should just have fun and date. It seems like the more time passes talking to him I'm getting to like him more and want him more. He doesn't want to date and says he's really picky. At the same time I feel he wants to be with someone again just not so quickly and to think with terms freaks him out. When I had mentioned that if I come see him it would be more of a serious level. Then after I said that I felt bad for putting pressure like that and just said OK I'll come without any expectations of anything including sex.

Sorry if I sound like my points are rampid but I want to make sure you all know the details so I know what to do.

I wouldn't get carried away by a guy who talks that crap, (sounds good on paper) but doesn't walk the walk. I think your allowing yourself to be sucked in with a guy who isn't ready, but needs some attention from some one.

Be careful here. I think you need other things to balance your life besides him.

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I keep telling him he should just have fun and date.

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Follow your own advise, as your giving him something he takes but doesn't return. Back off some will you! Way off.

Yea I had told him it's time for me to back off. That's thing though he said OK I just want you to be happy. So it's kind of like what? He's open to talking to me about how he feels and he's honest I'll see later today after he gets off work. He said he doesn't know how to say how he feels sounds like there is some confusion on what his ideas are playing with the reality as it comes alive.

Then he likes to try to make me smile when I get serious like this almost feels like he sees me getting sad about it then tries to write off what I say. If I approach it differently to where it seems like it matters that how he feels matters to me he'll think about it. But I'm not going to keep prying for it if he's not giving in. I'm just approaching different alternatives but if none of them work then I have at least tried. Piece of mind I suppose

Do we ever listen to the advice that is given? He's pretty adament at not being in anything committed because he won't be around enough to carry a healthy relationship which seems fair. I get frustrated moments and seem to push him away when I do. It really sucks it's like I have what I want but without saying the exclusive. I'm starting to just give up on wanting a commitment all together from anyone. Maybe just enjoy what we have for what it is. He's mentioned that he hopes that I'm not settling because he's not going to change his mind and that I deserve to be with someone who can be there for me. I get it. I'm just not going to act what a committed relationship would take the texting and calls and pics here and there. After all we're not committed. I just don't understand how a person could act like being in one and say all the I miss yous the way he wants me is just as bad as I do but just don't want to give it to him without a commitment. Is that too much pressure to ask for? He easily deflects anything serious and just says as long as I'm smiling and happy that's all that matters. Is that too blissful?

I think perhaps he does like you,and says those things because he does not want to hurt your feelings..

Its like breaking up but taking the sting out of it by saying lets be friends,or I love you,but I'm not in love with you...

This guy is just giving you a different version of this.

End of the day,he doesn't want you.

Have look around at other relationships you know,does the boyfriend/husband who is in love act the way this gut does.

If you want to accept this,that's your choice.

For me,id walk away.. save my heart for someone who really wants it.

Thank You for your reply. Another thing is I don't think I am even ready to love I feel that I'm setting my boundary up for just liking him and caring about him but love is a strong emotion and for me to truly admit it would take longer than 3 months.

It kind of stings emotionally that I want to hear him tell me he wants to be with me, at the same time even if he did tell me that I'd still be emotionally retarded if he were really just wanting me.

What is it about dating I find guys that look for a commitment also don't really chase me. I;m not even sure I know what to do anymore. I know a couple guys who are willing to commit but the desire of someone is more important than someone with the same wants. Is that selfish?

I'm just getting confused now. To feel wanted and want someone the same way. I do see that this guy cares about me to some extent is good for now? (settling) Maybe I just miss being with someone and it's been a year on top of me being picky. I'll still keep my eyes open for new dates since this one is not serious. Stupid hoping tries to stop me from dating because I just want him to say OK yea we're exclusive but I can't rely on that.

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Originally Posted by redhed35

i think perhaps he does like you,and says those things because he does not want to hurt your feelings..

its like breaking up but taking the sting out of it by saying lets be friends,or i love you,but im not in love with you...

this guy is just giving you a differant version of this.

end of the day,he dosent want you.

have look around at other relationships you know,does the boyfriend/husband who is in love act the way this gut does.

if you want to accept this,thats your choice.

for me,id walk away..save my heart for someone who really wants it.

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sounds as if your holding out for 'the one'

but 'the one' is you..

the relationship you have with yourself is so important,you know what you want from a relationship,and your not willing to compromise on honesty,trust and someone who puts value on you,that's not being picky...

everyone gets lonely,just the need for human contact and the feeling of being loved,its natural and normal,but being on your own can sometimes be the best learning experience.

don't settle.