I have wondered this some time and as a dude who normally gives advice it is a topic worth exploring. This really isn't pertaining to me in particular, it is just a global question that I am sure a lot of us have run into an issue with.

So, here it is: If you ask a girl out and she says no, for whatever reason, but still wants to remain friends, do you do it? I ordinarily ditch a girl once I ask her out and she says no (usually this occurs because she is already taken), but I have seen others do the friends thing.

There is a hitch to my question. I am talking about girls whom you have had no previous friendship with. If you ask them out and they say they have a boyfriend, for example, but still express interest hanging out as friends, what would you do?

Just an interesting thing. I am of the opinion that I dodge the "friends" stuff whenever possible as I feel like a vulture by hanging out with a female that is taken. Others have done it to a success story though. Opinions?

Whoops-tough one .if I have a partner I wouldn't encourage new friendships with blokes if initially they asked me out.but that's just me.. .

I think from the female perspective,if a guy asks me out and I say no and he wants friendship,I think it is just a ruse.

I think the guy may still be thinking "maybe I can win her over with my charm".

Some girls may like that because it is an ego boost ,thinking all the time "oh this guy wants me and he is settling for friendship because anything to do with me will make him happy".

I think the vulture metaphor is very apt.Like the guy/friend is just hanging around waiting for crumbs.

I also think saying we can be friends is a kind way of padding the rejection.It may not be genuine.

I think it may be confusing. From my end I have done this and it is the FEMALE who offers to be friends (this ONLY happens if they have a boyfriend and cannot date me). That is what I am saying, should the guy accept the female offer for friendship after they were turned down?

I also agree that it may just be a polite way of turning someone down as well. I have never taken a female up on it, so I have no idea if it is even genuine.

It can work if you have something you enjoy in common. A guy asked me out in college, but I was seeing someone else. We had some things in common - we were both way into our college football team; we both enjoyed scuba diving; and, we were both runners. For two years, we enjoyed those things together as friends. After graduation, we both found ourselves single and we then went out for a year until he went back east for grad school and I went to grad school in the west. We still maintain some contact, and I wouldn't mind at all if our paths crossed again.

I'm with artlady on this one..
If he askes me out,I say no,and he wants to be friends,I think he is just waiting for a chance to get into my knickers!

Although that's a massive general statement,when I was single I seemed to attract 18 year old builders or 50 year old men...

I have seen other woman with 'man friends' who she had declined and they were referred to as her 'fan club'.. not nice really..
If I was a guy,I would get the hell out of there..

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Originally Posted by kctiger

I think it may be confusing. From my end I have done this and it is the FEMALE who offers to be friends (this ONLY happens if they have a boyfriend and cannot date me). That is what I am saying, should the guy accept the female offer for friendship after they were turned down?

I also agree that it may just be a polite way of turning someone down as well. I have never taken a female up on it, so I have no idea if it is even genuine.

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If you are secure in who you are and can put any other feelings of desire aside ,than I say go for it,although the BF may not be too thrilled about it.

Although ,I have seen an instance where the guy asked a girl out ,she said no because of the BF and then they became friends but the two guys became better friends and the girl was peeved.

Bottom line ,I think it takes maturity and the rejected guy needs to be clear that he is not going to go into the friendship wanting more.

I think one of the main reasons I have never done the offered friend thing is that if I was her boyfriend I probably wouldn't be too happy about it... maybe that's just me though.

True, the boyfriend has to be in agreement. Mine was for a couple of reasons. 1) He went to a rival college, so he was attending his own games. He knew I loved football, and since there are more guys than girls at a game he figured I was better off with someone he knew as a friend. 2) He didn't scuba dive. 3) Most importantly, he liked that I had a running buddy for the safety aspect. I went to a great school, but it wasn't in a great part of town.

The two did become friendly, which I thought was great. I kept it in perspective, though. He was a friend then, nothing more - and not my best friend.

Interesting Question KC.

If a guy asked me out and I turn him down because I have a boyfriend... well if I didn't already know him I'd just turn him down and leave it at that, if he were a friend already I'd tell him to forget about it and suggest that we continue to be friends.

I actually got the friendship offer from a guy once. I walked away. Made me kind of feel like a back-up plan.

I do think that my point of view on this is split...

1. some people are genuine when they offer friendship instead (both parties)
2. while some have false hope (i.e. the person who is doing the asking)
3. some like the ego boost (the person being asked)
4. but I do think that in some cases the person who is being asked out, but is taken, might feel bad and want to soften the blow for the person doing the asking.

LOl I hope my post is okay to read... hehe my head just got a little jumbled up :p

Well, there is a chance something will happen later on down the road but if she has a boyfriend, she could just being blowing you off and letting you down easy. A lot of the time when a girl says she wants to just be friends with a guy, chances are, she knows he won't stick around. But then again, she may want something with that guy and knows that the relationship she is in probably won't work out. So the friendship could just get you 2 to know each other first. It is good to be friends before you have a relationship, you really get to know each other.

I think if you've already blown your cover, then what's the point?

"Well, ya already know I wanna get in your pants, you sure you wanna be friends with me?"
"Ha... ah no thanks".

If you were looking for date and got a friendship instead, you'd be settling for less than you thought you deserved, and what does that say about your self-worth? You'd be sending the wrong message; cut your losses and move on.

This is a tricky one. If she has a boyfriend and she says that she wants to be "just friends" after meeting you for the first time, then I would say that you probably have a chance because she probably would like you around for a reason. Women have a weird way of rationalizing these things. You could end up being her "emergency d--k in a glass".

If she says this without having a boyfriend then it's probably her way of letting you down nicely. Personally, if I ever get this reply from a girl I would just chuckle and say "no thanks" and never look back. This could also work in your favour because lack of attention from ANYONE piques a woman's interest. I guess there is no real way to know because it's all just a grey area for the most part. Just try to figure out all the angles and take it case by case.

If I was in a serious relationship, I would never offer to make new 'opposite sex' friends with someone that I knew was interested. I have plenty of guy friends, some are even new, but if they expressed an interest prior to the acquired friendship, I doubt I would have taken it to the friendship level.

I would think the offer of 'friendship' is like a back up plan. 'Yes, I have a boyfriend, but you are interested, I am kindof interested, let's get to know each other, just in case things don't work out with my boyfriend' - kindof thing. I would bet the woman making that kind of offer has a rocky, unstable relationship.

As a guy, I wouldn't ever think it was cool to accept the offer. Either you are a) a back up plan or b) becoming friends with a girl willing to explore her options while in a relationship. Would you want her offering her 'friendship' to random interested guys if you were the boyfriend? That is the potential you run into.

Talaniman Rule - Once rejected, move on to the next!

You answer "lets be friends" with a polite, "sure", but you have already moved on, to something else.

I think its better to start as friends, and see what happens, rather than just jump into dating someone, without knowing something about them.

No I don't believe in love at first sight, nor do I think being exclusive with a stranger is wise either.

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Can the "Friend Zone" end up being more?

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Yes it can.

When I met my wife I was seeing a few different girls. We had mutual friends and we would talk whenever we happened to be at the same place. I asked her out but she had a boyfriend who was in the army. She even said to me I like talking to you so I would really like to be friends. I figured what the hell. Instantly we became best friends. Hanging out everyday, going to concerts, going drinking etc... When her boyfriend came home from the army she would blow him off to hang out with me and I was always blowing off girls I was seeing to hang out with her.

Jump to 2 years later she broke up with her boyfriend because he hit her one time and that was 1 time to many for her. We still didn't start dating until about 2 years after that. I had gotten really sick and didn't see her for almost 2 months. When I saw her for the first time something happened. I don't know what it was but there was this tension. Finally she professed her love for me and I realized I was in love with her.

We started to date then she broke up with me (only time I have ever been dumped) for 6 months. She called me out of the blue crying saying how much she messed up I took her back very cautiously. 4 years later we have been married for 7 months.

Been trapped in the friends zone with a few girls, while I wanted more. It sucks. Will not do it again. If the girl has a BF, I walk away. There is no need to chase after someone who is already taken, while there are so many other options out there. If you did chase a girl and she left her BF for you, you instantly get an inside look at how she is in relationships...

She uses them, then loses then. I don't want either. I'd rather start with some one who is single like me, looking for the same things I am. Chasing a girl with a BF is too much work anyway...

^^^Although, you always get the exceptions.

From my experience, I've become pretty good friends with the girls that I've liked in the past. Of course there are some that I will probably not talk to again.

The reason I'm able to become friends with them is because the tension is out. Just like feelings, friendships cannot be forced. Once you've healed from the rejection and clear in both your minds that nothing is going to happen, then you can naturally become friends. In some cases, it's even easier to become friends because you won't have to be suspicious of each other's intentions of becoming friends.

But again, I must reitterate, the friendship should happen naturally and not with the intention of eventually wooing the person or from the other person's perspective: "keeping around as a backup plan".

I agree with the above,

If I was in a serious relationship, I would not make friends with a guy when he shows he is interested in me that way.

However if he was interested as a friend and nothing more- then I would only get to know him as a friend, if he fitted in with my circle of guys and girls friends- I would not go out of my way and see him alone exclusively. That would be a wrong thing to do.

If I was single and I place a guy in a friend zone- it is probably cos I want to be safe and I would like to get to know a person more, before I got to that level and so placing him in a friendzone would be one way of letting the friendship develop in its own space and time without any pressure or expectations, such that if things lead to more than a friend= cool and if it does not= cool as well.