I'll start from the top.
We've been together for 3 and half years, I lived with him for a year then moved back in with my parents as he lived in a shared house and I couldn't put up with his house mates, we had zero privacy and I was sick of cleaning up after everyone.
We used to see each other every weekend, I noticed after about a year we were having that monotonous couple sex - with me doing all the work. When we first got together we used to party all weekend and take recreational drugs and the sex was amazing, totally uninhibited.

We moved into our own place 5 weeks ago and got married 4 weeks ago. Our sex life is abysmal. It's always the same and only ever at weekends. It starts with me getting him hard, going down on him and then he flips me over onto my back and we have sex. He very rarely makes me come, he rarely touches me, he rarely even kisses me.

He masturbates every day, I wouldn't have so much of a problem with this if we were having sex more often, I am fully aware all men do it. I have a very high sex drive and I masturbate every day. Furthermore he leaves his tissues on the bedside table when he's done, its like he's trying to rub my nose in it or something, I find it so disrespectful.

We were at a music festival 2 weeks ago and when he got drunk he proudly announced in front of all our friends that when we first moved into the house because he'd thrown away his 'c*m towel' he'd c*m on the bedroom floor and wiped it up with his boxer shorts, on more than once occasion. I was mortified!! And making out he's like a sex pest when nothing could be further from the truth - at least I never see that side of him anyway. I spoke to him about it when we got back and told him that I don't want to know what he does when I'm not around and I told him I'm not happy with the once a week sex situation but nothing has changed and he still continues to just please himself.

I feel trapped, I've married him now. I stupidly thought that once we had our place and more privacy things would improve. I've talked about until I'm blue in the face, he's not interested and doesn't think we have a problem. I've never experienced this with any previous boyfriends. One of my ex's had an extensive porn collection and masturbated very frequently but we also had sex very often so I didn't have a problem with it at all.

I'm starting to feel resentful towards him. Am I not entitled to an active sex life? Why should I have to wait until the weekend only put up with him just pleasing himself? He never goes down on me - he told me my vagina smells which was just another knock to my confidence, the soles of my feet are very sentitive and I really like having them massaged but he won't do this. He'll never give me a back massage or play with my hair either. I just feel like such a fool. Other than this he is a wonderful man and I really do love him, though can be quite selfish in other areas of our relationship too. The future is not looking too hopeful at the moment though, I don't think I can spend the rest of my life like this.

HELP!!

It would seem to me that there is some sort of underlying problem that he isn't telling you about, maybe he feels uncomfortable with himself or it could be something totally unexpected, keeping trying to talk to him. I don't know about your relationship but with this aspect of it you sound more than willing to do your share of the work and it isn't even remotely selfish of you to want him to pull his own weight in the bedroom. If he isn't willing to open up to you one on one try to go see some sort of marriage counselor or sex therapist, talk to some of both and see which you think would be more applicable to the issue at hand. Explain to him that you won't judge him and that you just want things to be the best that they can be, for both of you. You deserve a happy sex life, everyone does, it does not make a relationship but a bad sex life can break a relationship.. and I doubt that's what he wants. Good luck.

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Originally Posted by helpmepleaseee

It would seem to me that there is some sort of underlying problem that he isn't telling you about, maybe he feels uncomfortable with himself or it could be something totally unexpected, keeping trying to talk to him. I don't know about your relationship but with this aspect of it you sound more than willing to do your share of the work and it isn't even remotely selfish of you to want him to pull his own weight in the bedroom. If he isn't willing to open up to you one on one try to go see some sort of marraige counselor or sex therapist, talk to some of both and see which you think would be more applicable to the issue at hand. Explain to him that you won't judge him and that you just want things to be the best that they can be, for both of you. You deserve a happy sex life, everyone does, it does not make a relationship but a bad sex life can break a relationship.. and i doubt that's what he wants. good luck.

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I see where you're coming from. I feel I've done everything I can. I've tried coming on to him, I just get rejected. I've backed off and given him space, nothing. I've spoken to him about it, may as well have been talking to a brick wall. I've written him a letter, nothing.

I honestly think he's just lazy. He's perfectly happy getting himself off and it requires minimal effort. But as I mentioned earlier if we were having more regular sex I wouldn't care.

I'm going to give it a bit more time and if there's no improvement I think we will have to see a counselor, although it's something I don't think he'd be prepared to do.

Thanks for your advice.

Hate to say this... but you knew he was doing this before you got married. Why did you think it was going to change?


He's got issues... and they are issues you were well aware of when you married him.

Maybe he has issues? Maybe he is a selfish jerk with issues? Does he expect you to do his laundry too? Sorry, I was married to someone just like this. The worst mistake I made was waiting 12 years, hoping he would change.

I'd be willing to bet he gets worse before he gets better. He said that you smell bad? Do you think that's true? Does he insult you often? Masturbation is for emergency use only, when your partner is away, or not in the mood. NOT as a primary release. Mutual orgasms are a must, and part of an unselfish relationship. What you do is, right before he comes, STOP. Ask him how he likes it. He may be lazy, you obviously know him better than us, but he may just be a jacka$$. If he really did have an issue with vaginal odor, he could be nicer about it, and after a shower take care of you properly. And what about the foot massage? The back rub? The hair caressing? Do you stink all over? I seriously doubt it. Talk to him, when he's not high or drunk, and tell him how you feel. Ask him if he wants you to be resentful of him. The daily masturbation may be addictive behavior, but the other selfish ways he has settled into are inexcusable. Set things straight. You are not asking for a lot, and don't feel that you are. I wish you luck. I hope you get rubbed, brushed, massaged, and laid, soon.

I give you permission to bail now. Don't think about what people, family, friends, etc. will think. It was bad judgment to marry him, but don't waste a lot of time trying to fix the unfixable. You've learned a lesson that will stay with you in the future.

Nobody should be masturbating every day when they have a willing sex partner. He's probably addicted to masturbation as it's quick, easy, and selfish. He doesn't have to try to please anybody but himself.

Please take care, and keep us posted...

I'd stop having sex with him. He's not hearing your voice, so speak with your body.

I would also stop talking to him about it. Be loving, act as if nothing is amiss, but if he makes a move gently let him know that you don't want to have sex. Don't provide a reason, just do it.

I think that you've proabaly talked him imto a corner. He's resistant to your suggestions and feels defensive, hence the comment about your smelly vagina. So, stop talking, but also stop having sex.

See how long it takes for him to twig that's something's going on and come to you - to talk.

The imperative to change has to come from him, but you may also need to compromise on some things. I assume that if the sex is good, it won't matter if it's not as frequent!

PS I don't want you to think that I'm suggesting this strategy as a power game - I'm not, it's really about attempting to jolt him into some sort of realization.

Wows... that's... horrifying. As you can see I have problems with my partner, but nothing like this.I can't even really imagine that type of person... I treat my fiancée like gold, and even if it means just pleasing her with nothing back I am fine with. I hate to on the side of infamy for saying this... but maybe there is some ways to get back at him for this. Show him a side that will make him realize what he is doing. Maybe go out and buy some toys, lock him out of the room and let him hear how much fun you can have without him. You could even leave them on the bed along with a tissue to really get the point across. I really hate that you are in this situation... I can't imagine ever doing that to a girl... especially the love of my life, and wife. Hope all goes well.

By the way... I hope you don't jump into something like I posted. Try some of the other ideas first. I would hate to find that something was wrong with him such as confidence etc. and you went an extreme route first.

Unplug the computer and put it away somewhere that he can't get to it.
Take away his magazines and tell him he is going to live in the real world ,while you have a cute teddy on!

Take control and tell him you married a man and its time he started being one!
Take charge and fight for what you deserve and what will save your marriage!

Ok so we're 2 months further down the line and still no improvement. We've just come back from our late honeymoon, we had sex about 5 times whilst we were away (away for 10 days) and it was a bit more varied but now we're back home, nothing. We haven't had sex for 2 weeks now because I haven't initiated it, and don't intend to.

I feel just about at the end of my tether now. I took the opportunity to speak to him about it again while we were away and he said it's because he feels comfortable with me and that he doesn't need sex as much now and that he's told me this so many times. True, but is he basically saying he doesn't feel like he needs to need to make an effort or that I'm not worth the effort?

I'm starting to question my whole marriage. I can hardly bare to look at him. During one of the times we had sex on holiday he was pleasuring me manually shall we say and then he just stopped and said his hand was hurting! Leaving me high and dry! I was absolutely infuriated!! And I still am when I think about it.

What the hell was I thinking marrying him? I don't know why the hell I thought he'd change once he was married. He's too damn selfish to be in any relationship let alone be married.
If our marriage lasts a year I'll be amazed, I feel like an idiot and a failure and to make things worse we work at the same company so leaving him will be one of the hardest things ever because I will have to see him every day at work.

It's all such a mess...

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Originally Posted by MrsG0809

What the hell was I thinking marrying him? I don't know why the hell I thought he'd change once he was married. He's too damn selfish to be in any relationship let alone be married.

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That's some many of us say time, after time, after time (WYSIWYG) "what you see is what you get". And why many of us recommend serveral years of engagement before deciding so you csee the real person. Not just what they want you to see.

The thing is, the signs are always there.

I remember years ago reading a survey of people that had got divorced and they all without exception said that the reasons for their separation had been there from the start - they had just ignored them, or thought they could change them, or that they would get better.

It's a really hard lesson to learn, but in the end you knew. You thought he would change, but you knew things were not quite right. I'm sorry because you must be feeling awful at the moment with the realization that he actually doesn't care about sex, or your sexual pleasure.

Relationships are about reciprocity and your husband isn't hearing what you need. He's ignoring you. He's making excuses for his laziness. I suspect that this won't change and if you want sexual and ultimately emotional satisfaction, you'll have to look elsewhere.

Just remember, you can always get another job, but you'd be a fool to rush into another marriage.