Ask Me Help Desk - Marriage in trust and infidelity

My husband and I have been married 16 years. A women at his work gave her cell# to him and he in return. They have been talking since June about 7 times I counted. Her doing all the calling my husband only 2 times. I found all of this out when the women called my house August 4th @ 8:00am. I was in the kitchen and my husband in bedroom. He answered and she said are you still sleeping and he mmh she said do you want to go out and he mmh and she asked are you alone and he said mmh. I dropped kicked the bedroom door and asked who the hell is she. He looked sleeply at me and said I thought it was you. I looked on caller ID and asked him if he knew who this was he claims no he did not a wrong number. I had checked this number out and got the first name. I called him at work one day and the women answered with the name on caller ID I asked him what her last name is he asked why I said just answer he gave a different last name. Then he called back mad at me and said what a great marriage this is. He had some people in his office for one of his soldiers who was in trouble. So he stated it was hard for him to talk. So when I got home I matched the number up his work roster. The phone number and name matched up. I called him told him he was a lier and I left home he kept trying to call me and told me it was a terrible mistake and he loved only me and to come home. Well I guess he told her at this time not to call because on my birthday August 28th a rose was sent to me and it said I want you back and see you soon. I questioned him about it and it was not him I told him it was that girl he worked with. He could not believe it. I had one of my copy friends file a harassment report so he could go to flower shop and find out. Well he faxed me over information and it was her. She had left her sell number on the paperwork so I crossed matched it with my husbands and found out he did know her and they have been calling each other back and forth since June about 7 times I counted and this was the first time she ever called my house. I called him and said he was a lier and I was leaving. He kept begging me to not leave he was sorry and It was not as bad as it seemed. He said yes she gave her phone number to him and they just talked about work and skit shooting. My oldest daughter had met her she was one of the ones that went shooting and my husband was there with our girls. They said the girl was trying to get dads attention the hole time and he was not even noticing her advances. This was a year ago when they went shooting. He says he felt it was not wrong because they were talking work and not often. He says he did not think I would like it. He knew he was wrong and that this situation looked real bad and he was scared to tell me the truth so he thought it would go away he said he loved me only and had zero interest in this girl. He said he would do anything to get my trust back so now we are in counseling which he pursued. We had had problems nine years ago where He was angry at me and said I was controlling and abusive mentally to him which I was. He said he wanted a divorce and so I went back home. Well I had some idea he was cheating on me because of a girl who called and told me. I asked him if nine years ago he did and he broke down and cryed and said yes he did. It was a co worker of his. He said he regrets everybit of it and she meant nothing to him he said she was complaining about her husband and he told her this was wrong and she told my husband what are you going to do about it. She called and he said he went to her house and it happened and he said about a total of six times the last time he went down on her which really upset me but I asked. He said it was the last time he said it was mechanical and he did not do it very long. He said the next time she called he told her no sterlnly and it was wrong. He said he still loved his family. He claims he does not know why it happen and I was gone and he was so sorry. He said he did not tell me he did not want me to leave him because he had not really wanted a divorce. He also said he did not want to hurt me he did not thing I would handle it very well. He said this was the only time he had ever had an affair. My question is should I trust him or can I trust him again. I don't know how to get over nine years ago. Knowing he touched her. I don't think he cheated with this current situation because he was always home and acted not different at all. And my other question can guys just have sex with a women and have no emotions just do it and leave. Im lost please help me to understand my problem. How and can I start over with trust.
Thank you

When a building is destroyed, you have to rebuild from ground zero. In this case, it sounds like you need a new basis of relationship for your marriage to stand on; will you be basing it on rebuilding it together, or just one person doing all of the work?

Marriage is not 50/50, each one much give 100%

Are the two of you willing to move on from this and make an attempt to start fresh? I promise that it won't be easy, because (In my honest opinion) without trust, there is nothing to save, no matter how much love you may have for one another. Can you begin to trust him again, and also, can he trust you not to become mentally abusive once again (as you said you did in your post)?

There are many things to consider, many things can happen if the BOTH of you work really hard at it. Just make sure it is worth it, and that you two together can move on into the future with a HAPPY marriage.

When I was mentally abusive it was more like being controlling. I went home and obtained help for my problem. When I came back I was different person and had not been that person for nine years. So I did get over that. My husband said he did see a difference in me when I came back but it still took him time he was afraid I would still be controlling. He knows now that I'm not. He has been working hard on our relationship. He has told me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. He and I have walked a lot and done lots together. Before he use to watch TV or play computer game but he has not been this way lately. He told me the situation with co-worker has made him see his attention was not on me. It had hurt my feelings. Here he was talking to her after work and not talking to me. I notice all his changes he is trying. Do you think he is sincere. Or is it guilt. Was it wrong? I'm so confused. I know I need trust and for the last nine years I had trust until this happened then he tells me aout nine years ago.

You have to keep as much faith in yourself as you do him, better yet, it's a need, as is trust. Things of this nature have a very slow healing time, but its worth it, if you want it to be. Very glad to hear the progress the two of you are making, and it DOES sound like he is being sincere; as long as there are no doubts from you or him, things should be fine. :)

If he did it once, he will do it again. That appears to be the pattern of men and women who commit acts of infidelity. My ex had two mistresses going almost at the same time. He broke off one when I found out but started another within a short period. How I found out was a florist bill sent to the house for a dozen red roses. He never bought me a dozen red roses. It was for his first affair - a woman named Deb. Her name was on the invoice.

I went to counseling and listened hard to forgiveness, rebuilding trust, love, and relationships. When all was said and done - the counselor told me that over half of the people who have affairs will have another one. Did I want to risk that? I did the first time, but not the second.

As for men being able to just have sex and no emotions - yes some men can - some women can too. For some it is just a physical/biological/chemical reaction to another person. Does not mean a thing beyond that. It can be intensely invovled physically but not emotionally. And they can carry on after as if nothing happened.

Best of luck to you. If you decide to work on this, I truly hope your husband agrees to joint therapy. I agree with the 100% from each spouse - it is never 50-50.

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and my other question can guys just have sex with a women and have no emotions just do it and leave

Of course they can, so can females.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Of course they can, so can females.

So you are telling me when I went away and because he was angry at me and this girl offered her self. He could just go over there have sex with no emotion at all. He says he did not even care about her. He said it was just mechanics. He was pleaseing himself and not out to please her. But if he went down on her the last time he was with her was he not trying to please her. And if you go back more then once doesn't this mean you have interest in the girl. Thanks for your comments.
Help

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Originally Posted by nonnie1965

So you are telling me when I went away and because he was angry at me and this girl offered her self. He could just go over there have sex with no emotion at all. He says he did not even care about her. He said it was just mechanics. He was pleaseing him self and not out to please her. But if he went down on her the last time he was with her was he not trying to please her. And if you go back more then once doesnt this mean you have interest in the girl. Thanks for your comments.
Help

Hmmm I would like to take a stab at this. It may help that I am female. I don't think the phenomena here is unique to males, just more common. To over simplify it, its like circumstances and a partner almost conspire to make someone feel really bad about themselves and in a very weak moment, they look to console that hurting part of themselves with some meaningless sex. It is not morally right but it is what happens. It unfortunately does NOT work very well and understandably compounds the problem. But I would like to say its not the exclusive behavior of men.

It would not dictate what kind of sex or the duration of sex, or the frequency of sex-- to think in those terms is to completely miss the point. Whatever sex was going to magically fix that hurting self was pursued, including and especially sex that made the other person feel good, since that usually is a sure way to feel good yourself. Its about reaffirming one's ability to please someone, only the good feeling it generates is like the chinese food of sex -- it doesn't last very long. Those who wake up realising it didn't really work and reckon on what they have done too can be very and genuinely remorseful. Those who don't wake up, and think it made them happy often leave their spouses, marry the magic sex person only to have them eventually turn into the unhappy partner like the first spouse, ironically. This is why second marriages often fail -- they are born out of those kinds of arrangements.

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So you are telling me when I went away and because he was angry at me and this girl offered her self. He could just go over there have sex with no emotion at all.

Yes humans can do the wild thang whether they care about the partner or not.

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But if he went down on her the last time he was with her was he not trying to please her. And if you go back more then once doesn't this mean you have interest in the girl. Thanks for your comments.

No, just proves an interest in SEX.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but the interest and caring your talking about does not apply to all people, and more casual, uncaring sex goes on than you can ever imagine.

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Hmmm I would like to take a stab at this. It may help that I am female. I don't think the phenomena here is unique to males, just more common. To over simplify it, its like circumstances and a partner almost conspire to make someone feel really bad about themselves and in a very weak moment, they look to console that hurting part of themselves with some meaningless sex. It is not morally right but it is what happens. It unfortunately does NOT work very well and understandably compounds the problem. But I would like to say its not the exclusive behavior of men.

It would not dictate what kind of sex or the duration of sex, or the frequency of sex-- to think in those terms is to completely miss the point. Whatever sex was going to magically fix that hurting self was pursued, including and especially sex that made the other person feel good, since that usually is a sure way to feel good yourself. Its about reaffirming one's ability to please someone, only the good feeling it generates is like the chinese food of sex -- it doesn't last very long. Those who wake up realising it didn't really work and reckon on what they have done too can be very and genuinely remorseful. Those who don't wake up, and think it made them happy often leave their spouses, marry the magic sex person only to have them eventually turn into the unhappy partner like the first spouse, ironically. This is why second marriages often fail -- they are born out of those kinds of arrangements.

Thank you for your answer to my question. I no it was nine years ago. But for me its fresh since he just told me. I can't get her and him out of my mind. Does this mean Im crazy or I have a real problem? I want so much to believe my husband but it hurts so much and I'm afraid of this happening again. I did tell him this and he said he promises it would never happen again. He said nine years ago was a big mistake and he regrets every bit of it. He says he has never had feelings for her and did not really even like her. I wonder if he is just telling me this so I would feel better. He says no. I re asked about the girl he has been talking to recently he says he promises she was nothing to him just talked about work. He says he did not realize she wanted more and he has learned not to converse this way. He says he loves me only and lately he has proved this. He tells me he wants to prove to me how much he has loved me and always loved me. He said nine years ago he was angry and we were not getting along. He said she came on to me and it just happened. Should I trust him and believe he is sincere now. Or how do I trust him?
I thank you for any help,
Nonnie1965

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Originally Posted by nonnie1965

I can't get her and him out of my mind. Does this mean Im crazy or I have a real problem?

With all duye respect here Nonnie, I think you need to rework some of those control issues since you have trouble even controlling you. Its not a criticism of the work you have done so please hear me out. Its just people do need to work things like that by layers. Time for some more work, is all.

As for trust-- it rebuilds over time as people see that things are really working. What you are really asking is this: is he worth the risk of investing time into? No one can answer that. No one knows even in their own relationship really, they only assume based on their experiences. I suspect you wanting that answer so badly is part and parcel of your control issues.

I know this though-- if you improve you, you stand a better chance of helping him keep his word about straying. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT siding with him straying. It was wrong. But you directly played a part in setting up the circumstances that helped that happen, and that is important to look at where I live. I hope this helps you.

We change what we can (ourselves) and it changes the entire world!

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He said nine years ago he was angry and we were not getting along. He said she came on to me and it just happened. Should I trust him and believe he is sincere now. Or how do I trust him?
I thank you for any help,
Nonnie1965

After NINE years ,this is not about him anymore, its about you. You've gotten some blockbuster news and I understand how hard it is too process. Don't do anything rash as your feelings may change from the frustration you feel now to anger, then you'll cry. I don't condone cheating, but after nine years and by your words he has proved he loved you, should count in his favor. As I said before you do anything let those emotions run their full course, then take another look at reality. If it helps get a pillow and beat it up real good. Anything to vent.

Continue on with the counseling. That's a step in the right direction. There's a lot of issues here that need to be addressed. It'll take time but with professional help I think your marriage can be saved.

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

With all duye respect here Nonnie, I think you need to rework some of those control issues since you have trouble even controlling you. Its not a criticism of the work you have done so please hear me out. Its just people do need to work things like that by layers. Time for some more work, is all.

As for trust-- it rebuilds over time as people see that things are really working. What you are really asking is this: is he worth the risk of investing time into? No one can answer that. No one knows even in their own relationship really, they only assume based on their experiences. I suspect you wanting that answer so badly is part and parcel of your control issues.

I know this though-- if you improve you, you stand a better chance of helping him keep his word about straying. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT siding with him straying. It was wrong. But you directly played a part in setting up the circumstances that helped that happen, and that is important to look at where I live. I hope this helps you.

We change what we can (ourselves) and it changes the entire world!

You said I played a roll. Are you saying I played a roll in this current event. The women he was talking to behind my back that he worked with. I agree I had control issues the 1st half of our marriage wish led up to the events. However I had obtained help with counseling realized the root of my issues which stems from being adopted when I was 2months old and having a controlling father and passive mother. I also was mollested when I was twelve years old my a cousin on my fathers side I had told no one until I was 16 years old. I had found out I had walls built up and when I moved out with my husband I was not going to let anyone control me again or hurt me. I had no trust. I learned how to fix this issue with time and for the last nine years I have not been controlling like I was. I told my husband this I told him he really hide a big one on me because I did not expect it when the women called my house. My husband said he knows I have not been like nine years ago but he said he still would think this far back. He claims this girl was no interest to him just talking and he was surprised when she called the house and did not realize she wanted more than what he wanted. I'm hurt because I had total trust and now I feel those walls from nine years ago coming up. I don't want to be hurt anymore by my husband. At the same time I do want a relationship with him but I have to have it with the trust I had the last nine years. I find myself questioning his moves and I don't want to live like this.

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Originally Posted by s_cianci

Continue on with the counseling. That's a step in the right direction. There's a lot of issues here that need to be addressed. It'll take time but with professional help I think your marriage can be saved.

Thank you for the better look out. I was wondering with the professional help we are getting will I stop wondering about my husband and this other women from nine years ago. And why do I keep on about his every detail with this women. Does this make me sick or not normal. Thank you

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Yes humans can do the wild thang whether they care about the partner or not.

No, just proves an interest in SEX.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but the interest and caring your talking about does not apply to all people, and more casual, uncaring sex goes on than you can ever imagine.

Everyone has needs. Sometimes sex is just that... sex. Nothing more nothing less.

You do have issues to overcome and I hope the counseling helps. Give it a chance. No, you are not sick, just a human who needs a little help. Good Luck.