Thanks for reading...
I do not have money for a therapist,
Any and all compassionate, straightforward help is appreciated.
When dh and I are in bed, I want us to pay attention to each other. I hate having a TV in our bedroom. Dh is quite fascinated with the History channel as well as the news before bed and in the morning. I want/need to have his affection most of the time we are together, but do not receive it very much. Like I always want to be touching him somehow. Since he does not touch me often and is so focused on TV while in bed, or he does not try to have sex with me every day, I feel very neglected; rejected. These feelings of rejection bring on terrible feelings of depression and then I vascilate between trying to feel like I don't care that he does not want me(which drive me to treat him with undeserved indifference), and feelings of depression so that I feel sick to my stomach and I feel tired like all day(and bring dh down, badly).
These negative feelings are also brought on often even when we do have sex, because my husband almost always has to mastrbte in order to have an erection. And he is moderately addicted to vicodin(which he takes every day, except when he runs out because of over self-medicating), so there are lots and lots of times that he can't come even after 40 min of intercourse, without mastrbting to come. Which also brings out feelings of not being enough to satisfy him. Such an ugly circle of negativity.
I am an attractive, athletic woman who would like to have sex every day with her husband, and would love to have his tender affection often throughout the day. I know that I am needy in this area of my life... how can I just go with the flow? How can I change my thinking process? How can I satisfy my need to cuddle and be showered with attention for at least part of the day? How can I overcome these needy feelings? Overcome these feelings of depression ? Overcome self-defeating thoughts such as, he doesn't want me; I do not satisfy him? Is there a chant I can do morning noon and night that will reprogram me?

You might feel like you are needy, but I think that you are deprive and as a result, you want even more from him than you normally would.

The first step is to confront him about your feelings. If he doesn't know how you feel, you can't expect him to change.

Marriage counselling would be the suggestion, but if you can't afford it, then both of you won't have outside help, so both of you will have to work harder at it.

If he really cared about you, he would be willing to hear you out. Communication is key. But seeing that this is a really sensitive issue, make sure that you bring it up in a very calm and respectful manner. Otherwise, things can heat up really quickly and having an argument won't help anyone.

You do sound needy to me - wanting to be touched all the time, sex on a daily basis, the undivided attention of your husband when you're in bed together and the rest of the time.

It sounds as if he's switched off from you, despite the vicodin, and you must know that guys can really close off when women keep harassing them.

What I hear you saying in your post is that you want his attention so that YOU can get something out of it. This sounds almost vampiric to me - you seem to want everything from him, to be showered with affection, touched, cuddled- but what do you give in return? It seems that you need constant validation and have a complete inability to 'self-soothe'.

What is it in you that needs this constant soothing from someone else? Why have you not developed any resilience to just being with your husband and enjoying his company without feeling the need to be constantly pawed?

You must ask yourself these questions, or you will really drive him crazy.

Remember, it is your choice to behave in this way and your choice to feel depressed, rejected and unloved. They are your feelings, created by your anxiety, they do not necessarily reflect reality.

It sounds like your more interesting than your husband maybe you 2 are just looking for different things its like your wanting to spice things up, and live and he's more of a serious type. You need 2 confront him, tell him what you like what you don't like. Tell him your expectations from him. However, you can't expect him to start changing immediately, because maybe he doesn't even realize what he does. Tell him your tired of the same schedule and you want to switch things and live!! And its pretty good that you are this way because maybe he needs someone to losing him up a bit, but don't take his actions personal, just teach him, guide him, show him how to losing up. He's more cautious than you, and I understand that you want to be tendered to, you want affection to still know he appreciates you. You want to still feel loved its normal. Some people say you know someone cares if they don't leave their still around, oh please a person could stick around 4ever and not even have a purpose, Your basically wondering what do you do when the flame between 2 people is suddenly going out my advise to you is DON'T LET IT!

Vicodin will seriously interfere with sexual performance making orgasm difficult.It does not just kill pain but also pleasure sensation.Long term use can also lower your sex drive.

Since this is given for pain,that may be another reason that hubby is not as stimulated.It is difficult to want to engage in sex when you are in pain.

If you need this much physical attention to feel loved in your marriage ,I have to wonder why it is such a priority to you.

Do his actions that are non physical show his love for you?

Some people do not like to be pawed all the time.It is needy and clingy and can be suffocating.

Physical affection is important as is sex but to need a constant declaration of love to feel secure in your marriage is unreasonable and frankly,somewhat immature.

Love is not measured by the physical attention one gets.

Ask yourself if you have realistic expectations and have a good open chat with your husband about you feelings of inadequacy and rejection.

Perhaps there is a compromise that could answer your needs and his as well.Work on finding that middle ground and try not to have unrealistic expectations.

You have way too much time on your hands, and really need a compelling hobby, or strenuous activity. Do you work at a job, or have a career?? Now would be a great time to consider it.

They reason I say what I do is because I feel you are to dependent on your husband, for your emotional, and physical happiness.

I agree with Talaniman on this, you really need to do something constructive with your time so you don't have these thoughts going through your head continually, physical exercise is good, get yourself a personal trainer, one with big bulging muscles and that should keep your mind off these thoughts going through your head and it might make your husband jealous to, so that's a bonus.

You might be able to kill two birds with one stone there, who knows. ;)

Anyway good luck.

I have one piece of advise. It may sound radical or even unnatural. Get rid of the television. At least, get it out of your bedroom. Bedrooms are for sleeping and sex.

Many marriages would improve dramatically if couples were not distracted from talking, helping and looking at one another by a screen. Vicodin is only one addiction people can get.

Your post seems to revolve around sex and what you want. You seem to be totally consumed in yourself and what you need.

The medication your husband takes for pain,obviously plays a part in his performance and general well being, perhaps you should concentrate more on what your husband is going through for now and not totally on your own needs.

If he could get his medication sorted out, I am certain that everything else would fall into place, but at this moment in time you put far too much pressure on him to perform, not every few days, but every day, plus every moment that you are together... it's too much.

Try supporting him for a while, why not watch the TV together before bed, try and take interest in what interests him.

I am not surprised that his reaction toward you is some times negative,he probably feels that he is not man enough for you... you do describe yourself as... attractive and athletic, which is not helping the situation.

Try doing other things together it doesn't always have to be about sex... join a club, go down the pub or go for long walks, talk and get to know each other.
Have a romantic dinner one evening,followed by a favourite film.Book a weekend away so's you can both relax... there are many things involved within a happy marriage, sex is just the icing on the cake.

However I do think that you have a problem within yourself... perhaps as a child you missed out on love somewhere, I don't know, but you are very demanding,I am sure there are not many men who could keep up with your constant needs.

Perhaps you should go and talk to someone, even a close friend or someone who new you as you were growing up.

In the mean time give your husband some space for a while,if that means you have to pleasure yourself then so be it.

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Originally Posted by artlady

Vicodin will seriously interfere with sexual performance making orgasm difficult.It does not just kill pain but also pleasure sensation.Long term use can also lower your sex drive.

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I need to get some of this for my husband:D

get yourself a personal trainer, one with big bulging muscles and that should keep your mind off these thoughts going through your head and it might make your husband jealous to, so thats a bonus.

In my humble opinion... unproductive. :)

I agree with getting rid of the TV out of the room. I also agree with you being to needy. Although you are one you have to know who you are too. Began to read yourself to sleep , a romantic novel. Learn to mastibate if it is that back. He may see your need for attention as nagging and we all know what happens when a man feels you are nagging. Or it could be that he is enbarras or don't understand what is wrong either. Maybe he sont have an answer for it which is why he is queit. Good Luck

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Originally Posted by Just Dahlia

I need to get some of this for my husband:D

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Oh Honey, I'm not even touching that hot topic :)

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Originally Posted by Stringer

get yourself a personal trainer, one with big bulging muscles and that should keep your mind off these thoughts going through your head and it might make your husband jealous to, so thats a bonus.

In my humble opinion...unproductive. :)

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I agree.That is not a productive solution.
To instigate jealousy is a game that can become counter productive.
Game playing is for teeny boppers,not mature adults trying to work out serious issues.