As with many people on this website, my girlfriend broke up with me, I googled some key words which seemed relevant, and was brought here.

I was very impressed with the responses that one person got, especially from someone named JBeaucaire. And I've also read the stickys concerning break ups, not to mention I've broken up quite badly before, so I have a general idea of what to expect, and what the very bad ways of dealing with it are.

I have a couple of concerns though, which I wanted to share.

1) She wanted to break up with me to experience the college life, she has new friends, and she is going to have heavy courses. And of course, since we go to different colleges, I have no say on this, or no way to meaningfully contribute. I'm just really worried about the new friends that she wants to experience it with though. She's already been drinking a lot more, and I'm just worried that she'll take it overboard.

2) I've written down on a piece of paper, that this will be a great time to be single. But I've been dating nonstop pretty much in a series of bad rebounds and such for 6-7 years. And I'm not so sure that I even know how to be single. There's just this giant gaping hole where I'm supposed to have a girlfriend and while intellectually I know filling it with a girlfriend is just a stopgap to the confidence issues I've had, I don't know what else to fill it with. They say love yourself first, I don't know what to love or how to do it. I mean, that might be the only reason I need her, cause she loved me much more than I loved myself. Gee this post is starting to sound slightly whiny and neurotic, but onwards I go.

3) Also, when they tell you they still want to have you as an option, yes that's the selfishness talking. But when they say they still love you, and then initiate no contact with you after getting no contact in return. What does it mean? All I've been doing the past 3 days is stewing in my house, with all the people I know overseas, and it's aggravating the heck out of me. I simply don't know what to do with all this time.

This wasn't particularly a good representation of how I'm feeling. But I trust with so many other people who've been through break ups with people they care about, the blanks can be easily filled in.
Even though we have a lot of years to go, I want and can see this relationship working out, and as such, find it worth fighting for. Is no contact really the best way to go about this? It's difficult with so few friends to talk with.

Good luck to everyone else

1) there's nothing you can do about her behavior except
See answer 4)
2) writing it out is a start list some goals both long term and short,list some potential hobbies etc.
3) telling you they want you as an option and telling you they love you and then NC are they same right?
4)i go against the grain on the no-contact I think its WAY over used now you said she initiated it so if she is sticking to it so be it I just think its very immature why can't two people who have been through a lot together talk and catch-up on things encourage each
Which is why I said see 4) how else can you encourage her to not let the drinking get out of hand if your nc however it has to be mutual

She is growing up, as are you and I am afraid there is little you can do to control her behavior.

The above poster advising on NC takes no consideration into the fact that this is life and talking to someone you still have feelings for never gives you a true chance to move on. Intitiating contact with her will not change her behavior nor her priorities. This is about letting go and developing a strong base of activities for yourself.

You cannot keep running from the fact that you are afraid to be alone. Being alone doesn't mean you have to be lonely. Create a balance of your own priorities and the relationships you develop to ensure a healthy lifestyle mix.

It's never a wrong time to do the right thing. The right thing to do now is focus on the things that make you, you.

The best thing you can do with "all this time" is move on. You're still young right? Go enjoy yourself. I know it's hard to understand right now, but you'll soon be seeing someone new and will forget about all this hurt. Love will take you to your highest highs, and lowest lows. It hurts us so much to think about the " new friends" that our former mates will be with, but that is all part of sharing your heart. Don't let this experience harden you. A hurricane that does not blow us away, will strengthen us. I wish you luck. Get dressed up, and go out and flirt with all the pretty girls you see. It'll boost your ego, and you might get some good leads.

Accept she wants to do her thing, without you, and find your own thing to do. She is not contacting you, so don't contact her, and just stay busy rebuilding your own life without her in it.

Filling the hole in your soul with friends, family, and activities that you love to do. If you have no clue what that may be, think back to what you did before you met her.

Thank you all for responding to this post, I didn't expect any replies so early. I agree that I musn't harden my heart, and that I should really be a bigger person. By holding these malicious thoughts in my mind, only my soul will fester, not hers (not that I would want hers to). So really it'd be better for both of us if I wished her well. I went for a walk today and thought about this some more. So if I understand the gist of this, it's irrelevant whether she's the right person for me. All I should be doing is getting myself sorted out, and giving her some space to see what she wants too. Cause I don't want a relationship born again out of insecurity or loneliness (not that I think either of those will be an issue, these new chums of hers seem to be perfect). I'm just really caught up in waiting for external validation deal. Ah well, that's love and life and youth rolled up in a nutshell. Story of my life :P

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Ah well, that's love and life and youth rolled up in a nutshell. Story of my life

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Mine too, LOL, but I learned to deal with my own issues, and not try to solve someone else's problems, especially if they have not asked for help, and don't even see that they have a problem.

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Originally Posted by slough

Thank you all for responding to this post, I didn't expect any replies so early. I agree that I musn't harden my heart, and that I should really be a bigger person. By holding these malicious thoughts in my mind, only my soul will fester, not hers (not that I would want hers to). So really it'd be better for both of us if I wished her well. I went for a walk today and thought about this some more. So if I understand the gist of this, it's irrelevant whether or not she's the right person for me. All I should be doing is getting myself sorted out, and giving her some space to see what she wants too. Cause I don't want a relationship born again out of insecurity or loneliness (not that I think either of those will be an issue, these new chums of hers seem to be perfect). I'm just really caught up in waiting for external validation deal. Ah well, that's love and life and youth rolled up in a nutshell. Story of my life :P

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Good luck to you. Come back here.

I'm back! And I have to say I'm really confused.
See while we were dating, there was a clear difference in how we handled the relationship. I mean, I had a couple other relationships besides her, and she didn't have any besides this one guy.
I mean... I waited a long time not wanting to break up with her because I was so afraid of how she'd handle it. I even thought to myself, maybe I should make her break up with me. That way, she'll be able to get over me easier, without so much pain. Cause I was her friend when she was getting over her first boyfriend, and man that was quite a journey. So she's done it... And as I mentioned earlier, I initiated the no contact. It's been about 4 days since I started.
And very unfortunately, like many other people here, I felt compelled to break it. I emailed her a link to a certain song, along with the lyrics to it. Most likely at the time I was thinking I'd induce some kind of regret in her/make her aware of my finality. I even wrote a ending paragraph and italicized it for crying out loud. I feel like such a fool now. She texted me in return saying thanks for such a nice email! I'll reply as soon as I get home. She had led me to believe that she hadn't let go yet. She kept saying, don't tell your parents yet, I still want to have a future with you etc. I don't want to lose you, I just don't know if I can make you happy. I'm guessing that was just some halfhearted attempt to keep a security blanket around her, but this?


It just seems like such an abrupt about face... I feel really dissapointed... and stunned that while 4 days ago, she could be crying that I hadn't called her to tell her that I was OK. Now she is not only initiating a no contact policy of her own, she's either doing a very convincing job of showing me she's got her control, or she doesn't care. Why?
I think there's also this element of... I thought I'd be in better control of myself. I thought I'd be in control of the breakup as it were. You know, how there's usually a guiding force in the nature of the after relationship? Instead I find myself slipping up and making stupid mistakes. But that element aside, I'm a little put off by her behavior.

Judging from this incident, would you say that she's truly so wrapped up in her own life? I would like to believe not, but I know it can happen.

I should probably clarify a little bit. In the beginning of the post, when I mentioned I waited a long time to break up with her. I did consider breaking up with her cause I didn't think she would be the right person for me. It was a gut feeling that I've thought about since, and I think it's definitely up for reconsideration. But I won't really know until these emotions fade away.

Also, I've thought of the possibility that there's another guy involved. That would explain the hesitancy in wanting me back, towards this lukewarm caring leaning towards indifference.

The hurt's really starting to set in now, and it seems to mean business.