Ask Me Help Desk - He wants alone time

So my boyfriend needs some alone time and wants to see if we can reignite our spark. The last two months have been rough. Lots of outside stresses and we've become disconnected. We have lived together for about a year and a half and he moved out several days ago.

Naturally I was really upset and wanted to immediately talk things through... not so effective. After I basically had a meltdown, I think he's right... he needs his space and I need some recharge time.

After a calm talk, we both agreed we need to work on our connection and do some bonding. We both acknowleged we have been wrong and are going to work on our behavior toward each other. He says he wants things to work; so do I. He has continued to call daily and check up, tell me he loves me, etc. I have maintained really positive conversations with him; even though he moved out and I am really upset about it, being positive makes me feel a hell of a lot better...

I am optimistic about moving forward but would really like some input as ways to re-establish our connection. Fun, no-emotions kinds of things to inject some excitement back into things.

All relationships are different, but could use some support on this one... just looking for some good suggestions.

Quote:

Originally Posted by amy99roo

So my boyfriend needs some alone time and wants to see if we can reignite our spark. The last two months have been rough. Lots of outside stresses and we've become disconnected. We have lived together for about a year and a half and he moved out several days ago.

Naturally I was really upset and wanted to immediately talk things through...not so effective. After I basically had a meltdown, I think he's right...he needs his space and I need some recharge time.

After a calm talk, we both agreed we need to work on our connection and do some bonding. We both acknowleged we have been wrong and are going to work on our behavior toward each other. He says he wants things to work; so do I. He has continued to call daily and check up, tell me he loves me, etc. I have maintained really positive conversations with him; even though he moved out and I am really upset about it, being positive makes me feel a hell of a lot better...

I am optimistic about moving forward but would really like some input as ways to re-establish our connection. Fun, no-emotions kinds of things to inject some excitement back into things.

All relationships are different, but could use some support on this one...just looking for some good suggestions.

Its great that you share a relationship with your boyfriend where both of you can open up and discuss stuff that bothers you.Keep up the frank communication and half your work's done.

While you want to re-establish the connection(which is a good idea in your situation),be careful not to try or push too hard or make too much an effort in making things all right.Thats when we start losing perspective and start about setting things right too much,which puts a strain on things.

Be yourselves,do fun things together,things you used to do when you started,in the relationship.Talk when you feel upset(talk and not vent or let loose like a loony:)),be frank(as you are) and honest.Enjoy being together while giving each other space.

Most of all,stay and feel positive,in all circumstances(as you are trying to be)especially when you feel like outside stress is impacting your relationship.

All the best!

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

This isn't this guy is it???

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...god-81489.html

OMG--If he's the same guy,then HEAVEN help you Amy... dont even bother thinking twice:)

Well I guess there was a sign on the wall, but boy if he didn't see a future with you, what was he doing with you for the past 1.5 years? That is just leading the person on and it is wrong. Amy, you should move on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

This isn't this guy is it???

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...god-81489.html

No... no, that was really bad. Although funny thing, that guy just started calling me to 'hang out' about a month ago. Unbelievable. Never again.

I have been with someone fantastic and we really hit some problems recently... the break turned into a break up about a week ago. I wasn't expecting the break or the break up and can't turn my head off. I really love him and am very upset this happened this way.

He didn't want to keep me in limbo with a break so he decided to break up. He said he wants to get 'back to ourselves' and try again later.

That 'try again later' part makes me still feel as if this is only a 'break'. I think I am in denial...

I haven't contacted him, he had been calling me dozens of times over the last week. Then complaining he wasn't getting any alone time. I told him to stop calling me.

Worst of all, no chance of done, clean, over break up. He and I have built a house together... he will keep the house and any financing I put in he is repaying. But it sure makes it more complicated.

Hate this.

Sort out the financial situation with minimum contact and asap.then go complete NC it will help you through this.read the stickies vent here . You re hurting a lot now but it will get better.

I can well imagine how everything being so intertwined together in your lives that any attachments are going to be very hard. As you work through the finances though and get re established on your own, the healing can began.

Yes, it is very hard. I want to not talk to move on but we have to talk about the finances... makes it really tough. Building a house isn't cheap either... otherwise I would call it a loss and move on.

I am established on my own, have my own home, career, etc. But I made investments in our future (assuming there would be one) and now I feel like my market crashed so to speak.

Big loss for me right now. Tough. Not financially speaking.

Yes it s tough-but you ll get through this.

So, wow.. everything has really hit me hard within the last few days. I guess the denial is gone. I have been upset all of the time.

I feel like I made so many mistakes. I told him not call me but I so badly want to hear from him. I feel so embarrassed for being upset all the time.

I'm getting out, talking with friends, trying to stay occupied.

Help.

After the denial period we usually need to grieve for some time-what you re going through now is hard but normal.its good you're seeing people you can talk, cry, vent, etc. I hope you ll get the financial situation over with quickly.its sad this happened but it did and in a while you ll start to pick yourself up again and move on with your life.

We all have made mistakes we regret, and it will take time to overcome them, and be able to learn from them and forgive ourselves. Don't be so hard on yourself, during this process, just stay busy being GOOD to yourself.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...es-351302.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...kup-78597.html

Check out the stickies. These are just two examples, but they have amazing tips on helping you get through these tough times. But the most important part is to be patient. You can't rush a healing process.

Yes, this isn't my first break up but it is without a doubt the hardest I've been through.

I keep thinking about how the break up went down... and what happened after.

He said he wanted to break up, get back to ourselves for a while and start fresh, try to get the spark back. This has seemed to be a common theme here.

Last week we went out midweek (his request) and it turned into a horrible, horrible, uncomfortable time. He told me he hasn't been able to get his space... I told him he was terrible at taking it.

Seeing him was a mistake. I ended up getting upset and he said he hated seeing me that way and got angry. He told me he wants me to be happy again (which is easier said than done right after a break up). He kept saying "It's just too soon".

I guess the denial part is that I do think that he does want to try to see if things will work out between us... but maybe it is too soon? With all of the emotions flying around? I really don't know? Is it denial or maybe he truly wants that?

I have been giving him space... and I really do want to try to see if things could ever work. I thought he was it and had no doubts we would get married have a family, etc. After this, now I am having doubts as to the reality behind that. After what he and I have been through together should it be just this easy to walk away?? If you have major ties together (finances, kids, house, etc.) wouldn't you try to see if things are definitely unrepairable before leaving? I definitely would.

We are supposed to get together next week... I want to clear the air with him but then again, I don't really want to talk about what happened and kind of just want to go do something fun. Should I wait?

Any advice?

Every time you see him you step back to square one. As should hard as this is to hear go N C on him and avoid all contact.whatever happens in the future you have to get back on your feet in the here and now.you have to find your own strengths and start living your life-one step at the time-one day at the time.of course you re hurting and Im sorry for you-but life goes on.

Leave him alone, and have fun, you both finding yourselves without each other will give you some much needed clarity. Despite all your efforts he cannot make himself happy, and must do this himself.

It may take time, so do your own "thing", that makes you happy without his influence, and if you don't have a "thing" to do without him, find it now.

You guys have been very helpful. As with the last time. I wanted to give an update as I need some more support. And badly.

His alone time was apparently just alone time with someone else a week and a half after our break up. I have been really struggling with the betrayal of this. I feel really used. He has since blamed everything on me and told me I made himm fall out of love with me.

He (and I) allowed me to continue to manage his money and as far as he says he will taking the responsibility away from me in November. He still has his bills sent to my house and although I have returned his things to him he will not acknowledge my requests for my things back.

In total, he owes me just short of $50,000 on credit cards and cash and will not speak to me without yelling at me. I loaned it to him under the pretenses that the house we were building would be my house. Additionally, I helped to pay off collections, and taxes. I basically got his life back on track as he had financially screwed himself (he is 41).

I have gone back and forth with him about the money and the relationship. I have developed depression and anxiety over this and have never experienced this before.

I told him I would work on myself to help with the issues he had with me in our relationship and addressed that he was dating. He told me he isn't dating anyone anymore and that he wants time off from women. He sent me friendly texts after that conversation and I responded in kind. No responses and I admitted to myself, I am only dragging my healing time out. Last week I told him I needed closure to move on and he told me he wants to be "friends for now". I told him that wasn't closure, only ambiguous and he got very angry and screamed at me and told me we were "done for good, is that what you want to hear?" I told him that was not what I wanted, but if it was the truth than I needed to hear it.

Quite frankly, after feeling basically taken complete advantage of, being lied to, left, led on, and emotionally violated I could never go back to how I felt about him or trusting him again. But I keep see-sawing between love and that terrible feeling.

But I just need some opinions. I feel that I was totally blinded by love and made really stupid decisions. After this break up and, of course, with hindsight I realize he was not the person I thought he was. There is more to the story, but imagine basically dealing with a 41 year who you rebuilt a life for and with and getting zero. In fact, getting financially devastated for the next several years. He has proven he does not care for me what-so-ever. And that is the hardest part as I did so much to help him, I feel like I deserve at least some kind of respect. I know I will never get it, as the further removed I am from this situation, the more I realize that at 41 there should be no reason to be in the financial mess he was in or have had the number of failed relationships he had (3 divorces).

So please, please, tell me how wrong I am to care about this man. And how good it is that he is out of my life. And make it count.

I know I missed so many red flags. Two months ago I was blinded by love and didn't realize how wrong this has been and how much I was taken advantage of.

3 divorces?? What was I thinking?? 50K??
Jesus.

He s an immature waste of space and you re well shot of him.
There are decent men in the world once you ve healed from this breakup you ll find someone who s mature and caring
What steps can you take to recover the money you spent? Id see my solicitor if I were you.
Sometimes we love unwisely but it's a learning experience.
Good luck.