Hi, I've just turned 20. Ive been in long term relationships since the age of 14 (when my parents divorced and my mum moved out). I was in a very controlling relationship from 14-16, then I met some one new at 16-18 but he cheated on me a lot during, broke my heart and we eventually ended. Then at 18 I met someone who I have dated ever since.
My boyfriend is great and understanding as he has had a lot of family issues like me so we can talk very closely. He is my best friend and soul mate. No one knows me like he does. The first year of our relationship was amazing... we had our problems but so does everyone. He became quite jealous and contoling when went to college together, which made me inevitably want to be feel more 'free' and do things more with friends. We are very passionate people so an argument is a big commotion and we argued often. After about a year of ups and downs (but mainly ups) we wer still very much in love. We had out years anniversary.however, I went out one night and got stupidly drunk (no excuse) and did the worst thing in the world and cheated on him with some guy I hardly no. don't get me wrong, I HATE anything to do with cheating. Cheating is the reason how my family broke down and I have been subject to it in the past. I was/ still am ashamed of myself. I chose to keep quiet. A year past of constant fighting with my mind... I still very much hate myself for what I did. We broke up and got together in the first year and second year of our relationship. Nothing really changed. I chose to put it behind me.
Then I did the unthinkable, I had a one night stand after weeks of problems with him. This is what tipped me over the edge. Ive not been the same since. I have become depressed and have migraines a lot due to the ongoing guilt and stress my stupid actions. I hate myself. I really do. I'm an idiot and everything I promised myself I wouldn't be. Whether through looking at my parents relationship or what I have been through. I think about it everyday. Its patetic.part of me thinks I do it to get back at him as he is very agressiv in the heat of the moment and can call me alsorts and has a nasty temper. As if it's a control thing. We are constantly on and off. But the stangest thing of all after all that bull we still care a lot about each other. We love each other a lot. Its so strange. I can't see me without him. He wants to get married when we are older... and promises me the life I want to have with an amazing family to love.
There is just one problem... this is not me. I'm a good girl, this is not how I want to live, I hate cheaters, I hate myself, I used to have so much confidence no I can't go anywher alone. I've totally changed and I hate it. He deserves better- he loves me so much and is a kind guy too but he can change emotions sometimes (like me). I want to be the real me.I love this guy so much. I don't want to be a bad person. I know I'm better than this. I have my whole life ahead I just can't see it without him.
I hate what I have done but it's a secret I have to keep. It would kill him if he found out. Plus he would make me tel him who and they would end up getting hurt.. when its my stupid fault.
I just don't know what to do. I know I'm an idiot for what I have done, I know. I just want to live a happy life and he deserves to too. Away from all the bull . I'm just so scared of being alone... as I haven't been since 14.
Please advise me.
I will welcome your opinions.
Thank you

Well first off he can't MAKE you tell him who
You could say it was a total stranger and wasn't it? Your not going to get anywhere hiding this,its time to pay the piper
If you think he's really going to go off have someone around , it is not fair!
Not fair to you
Him
Or the relationship for you to have this secret and hold on to it how do you think your ever going to get anywhere while lying to him?
Try to think of the good that will come from getting this off your chest,it may bring you closer he will know yes she made a mistake but she owned up to , you will most likely just do it again if you don't do the right thing

I would suggest that for your peace of mind, the first thing that you must do is accept that this behavior IS you. Part of what is driving you crazy is trying to attribute this cheating to your 'evil twin' and trying to disassociate yourself from her. It won't work and it doesn't, as you're finding out.

The problem is that you don't know yourself and who you are. Since the age of 14 you've tied your identity to the relationships that you were in and have never had the opportunity to discover yourself.

I would also suggest that part of you doesn't actually want to be in this current relationship. What keeps you there is fear and habit. Yes, the good parts are great (but let's face it, it always feels good wheh you stop beating your head against a brick wall!).

You are not a bad person. 'Good' or 'bad' is frequently a subjective judgement. We all have positive and negative qualities and many of us are confused by what seems like irrational behavior on our own part.

Your erratic behavior is the part of you that is telling you - all is not right. May I suggest that you would really benefit from seeing a counselor? In this way you would have an objective, experienced person listening to your story and you would finally be able to tell someone how much you hate the things you've done. You would also be able to explore, in a caring environment, why you've done these things and be able to decide whether you want to stay in your difficult relationship.

I believe that a counselor can help you find yourself and help you accept that even good people do silly, impulsive, hurtful things. Please think seriously about this, as you are still so young and I am sure you will benefit hugely.

I also think you need some help, guidance, and support to find a way to love yourself, by yourself, and end the dependence of someone else to show you love.

You have a lot of past baggage to unpack. I think you want something from others that you should give to yourself.

Sorry about you losing the love of your mom, through divorce.