Ask Me Help Desk - Divorcing w/kids for stay at home mom, leaving the state.

Hi there- My husband of 19 yrs wants a divorce. I've mostly been a stay at home mom for our 15 and 10 yr old kids. I have no real job skills (only the pay clerk/tax prep part time job I worked around the kids school/activities). We live in Louisiana, which is not home, just where we ended up many years ago looking for a job. We have no family here- he has his friends and social/work network but I don't. We have a large debt (thanks to my husband) and a new home. I was in a car accident a number of years ago and have had several spine surgeries. I'm not disabled or even look it (just lots of scars). Health coverage is a huge concern without his insurance. The other day my husband said he'd take all the debt and co sign for a car for me (mine is over 10 yrs old and falling apart) and give me one of his smaller retirements he had on the side and let me leave LA with the kids if I promised not to touch his Parish/government retirement. Then he came home yesterday and said he would take all the credit card debt if I bought him out of the house, he would not co sign for a car, and wants to keep our 15 yr old daughter because it would be one less child support check (WOW). I can't imagine leaving my daughter with him (my son would undoubtedly come with me). If we are divorced, I want to move to AZ where my sister and her husband will help us (they are also the God Parents of our kids). My husband wants the divorce but doesn't want me to leave the state with the kids and doesn't want to pay or take debt responsibility. He wants it all. I have no support here and the one friend I had is having coffee with him to discuss our divorce (suspicious? Yes.) I just started a teachers aid job with the Parish and haven't even received my first pay check. I have no money and very limited job skills. I've taken care of our family the last 19 years because that's what we agreed upon. He's being very difficult and manipulative and I don't know where to go next. I have an 'info' appointment with a lawyer Tuesday but don't even know if I should tell my husband (it's $50). I worry if I make him angry, he will certainly make me stay in LA, suffer alone and become a poverty case. He wants the divorce, not me. I need free legal advice or a free lawyer- is there such a thing? Since he wants the divorce, can he make me stay in LA? I think he's trying to get me to file for divorce and I think that will hurt me in court (will it?). I could really use some help- tactics, ammunition, knowledge, tricks up my sleeve, anything. If I can't stay married, I simply want to be debt free and move to AZ with my kids and start over (painful as it will be). This is my first stop for help and I appreciate this web site being here. Thank you!

Your informational consultation with an attorney will be helpful and I think you will find you boat isn't sunk.
It is often the case with a homemaker to receive alimony and child support in a separation agreement. You also have a strong chance of having your attorney fight to have his fees paid by your husband.
I would attend your meeting without acknowledging it to your husband at this time, as like you believe, it will probably cause him to react unfavorably.
I think you will get the best information from this meeting.
Continue following your thread as you will have additional advice.

A good attorney can advise you as to the best way to go, just keep us updated, and keep your chin up, and say nothing to your husband until you have a plan to move yourself forward, and sign nothing he proposes, and agree to nothing.

Why don't you give some details about the marriage and reasons for divorce? If it is only him wanting to leave... well it doesn't seem that you are very concerned about searching for a way to make it work...

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Originally Posted by Leidenschaftlich für Wahr

Why dont you give some details about the marriage and reasons for divorce? If it is only him wanting to leave... well it doesnt seem that you are very concerned about searching for a way to make it work...

I've tried endlessly and am very concerned about making it work. About 4 years ago I started going to marriage counseling and was able to get my husband to go with me a very few times but I continued. I did everything the counselor suggested but he just seemed to do things because he was supposed to. I would make our "dates" and arrange baby sitters although they inconvenienced him. I go to his activities and support him. He says he doesn't love me like he should but he can't explain what that really means. The counselor said he was depressed and needs medication but he refuses to take any medications. I think a pill a day is worth saving our family and marriage. He won't even try it. I don't want to be divorced. I want to stay married. I love my husband. This isn't the first time (or even second) time he's talked about divorce. He said he wasted his time and should have divorced me 4 years ago. He isn't interested in going back to counseling or letting me get settled in my new job or anything else. He just wants out. I don't know if there is someone else. I don't know that it matters if he simply doesn't love me like he should and just wants a divorce.

Quote:

Originally Posted by raginbull

I've tried endlessly and am very concerned about making it work. About 4 years ago I started going to marriage counseling and was able to get my husband to go with me a very few times but I continued. I did everything the counselor suggested but he just seemed to do things because he was supposed to. I would make our "dates" and arrange baby sitters although they inconvenienced him. I go to his activities and support him. He says he doesn't love me like he should but he can't explain what that really means. The counselor said he was depressed and needs medication but he refuses to take any medications. I think a pill a day is worth saving our family and marriage. He won't even try it. I don't want to be divorced. I want to stay married. I love my husband. This isn't the first time (or even second) time he's talked about divorce. He said he wasted his time and should have divorced me 4 years ago. He isn't interested in going back to counseling or letting me get settled in my new job or anything else. He just wants out. I don't know if there is someone else. I don't know that it matters if he simply doesn't love me like he should and just wants a divorce.

Sometimes you can do everything in your power, but the marriage is not going to get back on the right page.
I doubt you are looking at divorce lightly.
Good luck, please keep us posted on the attorneys suggestions.
I will recommend this is moved to Family Law, you will get more legal assistance posted there.

First, Please pay more attention to posting guidelines. There is a sticky note at the top of the Divorce forum (where this was moved form) that refers legal issues to this forum.

I echo that you need an attorney. Your ex is playing games with you (I suspect on the advice of counsel) and you will lose if you don't have an attorney on your side.

As you point out, he seems to be wanting his cake and to eat it too. You have to talk to an attorney to know where you stand and what your rights are.

Quote:

The counselor said he was depressed and needs medication but he refuses to take any medications. I think a pill a day is worth saving our family and marriage. He won't even try it. I don't want to be divorced. I want to stay married. I love my husband.

His medical problem is a really big issue. Often there are those in need of medical help, but refuse it, mainly because they don't see the problem their condition causes themselves, or others.

You have little choice, but to protect yourself from him, and the problems his condition has caused. Until he treats this with the importance it deserves, you are helpless to change his mind, or his actions.

That's why you really do need some legal advice.

To try to address a few of the questions you have had I will try to give relative answers.

1) filing first will hurt me:
a) No.. filing first will be to your benefit because the other side will be on the defensive. You will create first opportunity to ask for the things that are correct within a divorce.

2) can he make me stay in LA ?
a) There is a possibility that if he gains some form of visitation then you most likely will be required to stay unless there are some overwhelming circumstances.

3) walking away debt free ?
a) no one thing you can't expect is is to be debt free if there are massive amounts of debt that were acquired during the marriage. Your lawyer may even discuss bankruptcy with you after the divorce.

As a side note stop devaluing yourself and seek help for it if needed. You keep saying how much you don't know or can't do. Make sure to take time every day to empower yourself even if its just accomplishing just 1 chore you have been wanting to get done. If your teaching you have a great opportunity to mold others and that alone is priceless. When you look in the mirror no matter what know you have made a difference.

Thank you for the positive and useful feedback. I'm seeing the lawyer tomorrow so we'll see what comes of it. It's comforting to get outside feedback. Thank you!