I apologise this could end up long.

I met my husband and within six months was pregnant (it was a unplanned pregnancy), had the baby and I used to get mad because he never helped but I guess I didn't think much of it then. He was addicted to marjuana which I hated because I have never touched any drugs and it took me a long time to get him to stop
A year ago we got married - baby was 1. For a few months leading up to the wedding we were fightig and I was thinking why am I marrying this guy.
Since then its just gone downhill, I got pregnant (planned) and was very sick but although I was sick I still had to work, maintain the house and look after our child,, sometimes I would just cry and wish I wasn't pregnant because then it would be easier to leave...
Since having this baby nothing has changed, although he constantly says it will.

First of all I LOVE my kids, I do EVERYTHING for them and can't imagine my life without them.
My husband is a shift worker and has a bit of a stressful job - which he adores by the way.. he left to go to a work function which required him away and left me with a one week old and two year old - recovering from a c-section AND the power in the house went out and when I rang him he was basically unconscious and couldn't have cared less, I ended up having to get my dad who lives an hour away to come and help me. Anyway my husband CONSTANTLY uses his job as his excuse not to do things.

I have a HUGE problem with him sleeping, he sleeps ALLLL the time - ever since I met him and he just says he will never change and I say you have two kids you have to change sometime. He has never ever been the one to get up to the kids EVER and it drives me mad, why is his need for sleep more important than mine. If I don't go in and wake him he will sleep until he has to leave for work. His side of the bed looks like a teenagers room and I don't think he has ever picked up a vacuam or a dishcloth!

When I say things he gives me this filthy look which hurts, hw yells at me all the time and my two year old has started to scream when he yells, he says he only treats me the way I treat him but I think he imagines it the only thing I do wrong is NAG him to get out of bed and be involved with his family. He will get up after two hours sleep to play golf but not to be with us. He always accuses me of being unsupportive and disrespectful - I am a grown women who has her own opinion and he hates that. He constantly goes on about me hating his family which I don't I just can't stand how they let him act like he does.

He is a type 1 diabetic since he was 5. He has been having seizures at night like once a week and it sounds awful but I am sick of it, I am not a nurse I am up all day and night with the kids and then I have to handle that as well... and when he is having a hypo during the day he gets really rough with the kids and it scares me I never want to leave them with him just in case.

I asked about marriage counselling and he said he would not do it if I don't love him I should leave, and I looked into individual counselling to try to combat the stress of everything but it costs too much.

I have asked him to leave numerous times - even just for a week - but he refuses. He threatens to take the kids if I leave or to kill himself. I have no where to go plus all the kids things are here and this is their home - my parents own this home. I wish that I could be assured if I left things would be civil but I don't think he would let them be. I went to my mums for a week and he called everyday, he doesn't call me everyday when he is at work.

I guess I am just looking for advice, I am sick of fighting all the time, I think I have basically given up but have no idea what to do. I don't think I love him anymore, but I do care for him a lot which makes it very hard, I am just so so confused.

You need to either find it within yourself to make things work with out his help or divorce him and make them work with child support.

My ex was the same way and I had to do it ALL myself. I had to drive myself 20 miles to the hospital in labor with my second one. I had a C section with my 4th one and still had to do it all as soon as I got home from the hospital 48 hours later.

You need to stop and think where you are being too unreasonable. It sounds to me that a lot of your complaining and nagging is due more to resentment that he isn't doing his share. I noticed when I had the same complaint I ended up noticing every little thing he didn't do whether he could have done anything or not. So you need to step back and pick your battles. He was away on a business trip, he couldn't have done anything. I know women that would call their boyfriend expecting them to get all wrapped up with home problems that they couldn't do anything about because they were at work. So the girl would end up getting them fired.
He can't help his seizures. Your resenting him for your getting up at night and your nagging could be exactly why he is acting the way he does.
I hope he is off the weed because weed will trigger seizures in people susceptible to them.

If you want change you need to start with your attitude toward the marriage and your nagging, Try looking at things from a positive perspective and find more constructive ways on your part to change. Be more independent where you aren't running to him for everything expecting him to do something about it.

If you feel you have to leave he can not threaten you with taking the kids. You get divorced, you go to court and file for primary custody and child support.

Sometimes new fathers will have the attitude "what can i do he/she is just a baby" and they will have plans to step-up once the child is old enough to do anything with.Im not saying its right a good man will change diapers feed etc etc but at the same time try to look ahead your main complaint is getting him to help with kids,house everything well there is a chance the kids will do this for him as they get older
For example" its kind of hard to tell your kid to clean his room when yours isn't
He might just be in limbo until the kids get A LITTLE older
Now is no time to crater be strong keep your family together divorce and stepfathers and weekend visits are your future if not
And that dirty side of the bed wasn't so bad looking back

To me it sounds like doom and gloom, and nobody is very happy, including your children.

The worst time to confront somebody is when you are angry, stressed out, tired, resentful, and full of negative thoughts.

Maybe think about going about this in a different way.

Take a few days off work, and ask him to take a few days off work at the same time. Get your parents to come take care of the children, and the two of you invest in some time away, and alone, together. It doesn't have to be expensive, or far away, check for deals everywhere from cottages to hotels.

Invest in the marriage, instead of justifying bad behaviour, on both sides.

He is most likely not explaining what HIS needs are, because you are too busy demanding yours be met. There has to be some compromise, understanding, adapting to the other's needs, and of course, change. Agree to disagree when you have problems at home, and defer them to Friday nights (or whenever) when the kids are sleeping. Make a habit of incorporating communication, before things get to the boiling point as they have been.

If you can see your way clear to focus only on your husband, and he can see clearly to do the same, bring along some note pads, and a couple of pens. Make it a 'discovery' weekend.

Give him a list of what you are lacking from him. Get his list of what he sees he is lacking from you. What are your differences in responsibilities for maintaining the home, and what are the responsibilities for hands-on work with the children. What are the expectations for housework, bill paying, maintenance, alone time.

Agree to set aside one hour a week to discuss troubles, concerns etc. that come up.

If you can see your resentment building during the week, at least you will know that you will have a chance to express them in a non confrontation way, during a private, quiet time that you have both chosen, to do precicely that.

And it is the same for him. Allow each of his words to have the same meaning and understanding, as the words you say to him.

Complaining will get you nowhere except in a miserable place. Nothing is addressed properly, and no changes are made to make you, and him, happier. He may not wish to address issues with a marriage counsellor because he thinks he's going to be the bad guy here, and get it from two women, instead of one. Nobody likes to think they will be under the gun.

There is nothing here that you have said that isn't workable between two adults who love each other, and want the best for each other, and their children.

You need to think positive, find positive ways to address problems, and allow the same courtesy for him.

I can't talk to him about anything when I try he just says he will never change, the small time he is awake he spends in front of the TV drinking beer and scotch (or at golf) and when I say or ask something he gets fair up me which ends up in an argument if I don't walk away. The thing with it being 'workable' between two adults is that he isn't acting like an adult and refuses to participate. He thinks he does no wrong so he has nothing to work on. He doesn't tell me anything I normally find things out when his friends or his mother mentions it and then I will say I didn't know about that (eg - roster changing, going to a party etc) and he will just say I told you.
And I am SUPER independent he does nothing, I rang him about the electricity because he was only 40 minutes away and I was looking for some sort of help or advice. Other then that I do everything by myself.
I feel like if I am alone and married shouldn't I just be alone and alone.
He just says to me I wouldn't survive without his money but to me money isn't that important.
As for weed and seizures he doesn't care, he has never cared about himself, everything he does is bad for his condition but he doesn't care he still does it and why should I care if he doesn't.
Of course he wouldn't get the kids they won't even go to him - they barely even know him. Plus he can't even take care of himself.

And as for the business meeting his boss asked him if that was a good time because I was due to have a baby and he said yes.
And yes I do resent him - its like he hasn't even had kids. He does what he wants when he wants and has no time for any of us. He gets to sleep - for like at least 10 hours... yeah I am complaining but its so unfair and I have told him over and over- its always the same I have told him can't you just get up one morning on your day off to the kids and let me sleep. But its not like that he earns the most money so he is the king of the house

If he will never change maybe you need to leave. I know it is unfair if he isn't helping at all and his attitude is tough luck. You can't change him so you need to find your inner strength and move on without his involvement. If it means leaving him then you just might have to.

Nohelp may have it. This might mean you have to take drastic measures to get his attention.

For some reason, he isn't doing what he needs to do to put you and the kids first. Even when he has opportunity to.

Have you thought of giving him an ultimatim? Setting some times you expect some changes made?

If he won't talk reasonably to you, then try sending him an email. Tell him that you've made arrangements for a sitter so you two can talk at a certain time and date- give him notice.

If you love him, and if he loves you, what do you have to lose by pushing the envelope a bit. Better to confront this creatively than throw in the towel, and regret that you didn't.

Figure out what you want of him, specific chores etc. keep it simple. If you expect him to do things he's never done, or pile too much on him, he'll fold like a cheap suit.

Small improvements can lead to big changes.

Yes, miss swan
In light of your resent replies it sounds like your beyond a weekend retreat or maybe even counseling,hard to put into words but what the guy needs is a wake up call he needs his a** kicked he needs someone to get in his face that he will listen too and make him feel the pain you and the kids are,and you might try that don't let him get away with acting like the good Dad or husband find someone that you think he might listen too and ask them for help if it blows up ohh well I always said when I was working on something and I wasn't sure how far to tear it down "well its already broke im only going to break it for good or fix it "you might be at that point
Does he need help with the alcohol?

If your so super independent, its time to get him out of your life, and shake up his comfort zone. To be honest, you have ignored all the red flags that have presented themselves early on.

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I met my husband and within six months was pregnant (it was a unplanned pregnancy),

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had the baby and I used to get mad because he never helped but I guess I didn't think much of it then.

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He was addicted to marijuana which I hated because I have never touched any drugs and it took me a long time to get him to stop

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A year ago we got married - baby was 1. For a few months leading up to the wedding we were fighting and I was thinking why am I marrying this guy.

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Since then its just gone downhill, I got pregnant (planned) and was very sick but although i was sick I still had to work, maintain the house and look after our child,,, sometimes I would just cry and wish I wasn't pregnant because then it would be easier to leave...

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Since having this baby nothing has changed, although he constantly says it will.

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All red flags, and fair warning.

Don't know why, but you did go ahead as if everything was okay, and it wasn't.

Of course your angry, and full of resentment, but the only change that will happen is if you change it, on your own. You sure aren't going to change him, as your finding out the hard way.

Get your family to help while you get this mess straightened out.

I am not convinced that he can't change. He just hasn't had to.

Everything described perhaps should have been addressed as they were happening, but they weren't, so now that snowball has turned into avalanche.

There are also children in this marriage, and it is my opinion, that both parents need to put their needs first, get their respective acts together, and try to make this work for their sake.

There is no reason why he is doing nothing, except for the fact that he hasn't had to. There is also no reason why you should second guess yourself when you expect him to pony up and put in his share.

But, when the spaghetti hits the fan, when you walk in from work and the house is a mess, your arms are loaded down with groceries, the kids are screaming, there are toys all over the house and the curtains are on the floor, is not the time to 'talk'.

You may be able to guilt him into helping, or force him into helping, but it is only temporary.

He needs to understand that it takes two people, two parents, to create a home that works for everybody's needs. No excuses, that's just the way it is.

As I'd said before, if you bail now, you are, in my opinion, not doing enough the right way to address problems. Sit him down, and talk to him. No yelling, no kids, no phone ringing, no TV blasting, no multi-tasking. Just the two of you, in a quiet place where you can hear every word, and you can both listen to each other.

You have, despite your independence, let this go on too long. You would expect more from a boarder renting a room upstairs. What is the problem in not solving the problems.

If you can make this work, for yourself as well as your family, you will be in a far better place together, than you will ever be apart.

Had to spread the rep
Tal hit with shake up his comfort zone
Its ALL good for him
Wake him up!

I tried addressing things as they were happening - but they just turn into fights that is why we have been fighting so long, the only way we are not fighting is if I just leave him be... which I have been as I said to him when he missed an appointment today I have given up and I am not your mother you can get yourself up... ( I did wake him once but then I didn't go back) I am staying with him for the kids, I am staying beacause I care for him but I have given up and couldn't be bothered anymore its creating too much stress, its up to him to realise he is the only reason he isn't part of the family when we go to an appointment without him and I have told him all of that. He thinks that telling me he loves me is all that he has to do but words have no meaning to me - especially from him when he lied to me all the time about his drug use. I think he loves me but he doesn't love me enough to help me out every now and then or to put our kids first.
Yes I should have seen the signs early, and I did really, I knew I was doubting getting married and the fights have been about the same things since before then but I went through with it and now I have to live with it, I want my children to be happy and I want them to know him and not resent me one day because he wasn't around the house and he got told he could only live till 45 and that braeks my heart - what if the kids only saw him onve a week for the next 15 years they would hate me for him not being around - he isn't involved, they will realise that themselves in a few years

I do understand your frustration. The early years in my marriage when kids came along were extremely frustrating because my husband didn't do much either.

One of the things that strikes me about your post is that your communication together, always ends up arguing, and the arguing and anger and shouting is showing in the behaviour of you're your kids. They may not pick up on the meaning of the words, but they hear the anger, and feel the stress, and learn how to communicate the same way you and your husband do.

Nothing is worse than hearing two adults fight. It generates fear, and fear generates bad behaviour in children, because they don't know how to respond with words to express themselves.

With your husband working shifts, why not try to arrange, on his days off, for you to take a day off, set something up. I think its still a good idea to get your mother in to babysit, and the two of you go to a public place, like a restaurant, or a park, where you can just talk. It may sound too simple, but talking isn't likely to turn into a shouting match if you are in public. Let him know what the plan is. A week from Wednesday, 2 p.m. you and I are going out to lunch, we'll be 2 hours together, talking and having a good meal.

Just tell him. Take control of what you can. Make that decision, and expect him to follow through. Tell him you've already arranged for your mother to come over, and you have reservations, and you've pre ordered pizza for the kids and your mum for supper. Even throw in a theme- you need to talk about issues, serious issues.

Then, leave it alone. If he pushes you for answers on what you want to talk about, say, it will wait until Wednesday. Don't argue about it. The less you say, the more interested, and concerned, he will be.

When you finally get him alone, and he's hungry, and has his mouth full of a nice big hamburgger, then gently get into it. Be prepared, and not off the cuff. Be specific about how you're feeling, and listen when he talks or answers you. Dig a little bit and see just what it is that keeps him from doing what he should be doing. Start small, and be prepared to compromise. Lower your expectations in the beginning. It will be enough if he just hears you, and thinks about things. No pressure, no ultimatums.

Then, find a way, if you have success, to do it again. Agree not to argue in front of the kids, and agree to resolve one problem at a time. Both of you need to change the way you communicate.

As it is now, all he has do do is argue to get out of doing anything. Your behaviour is predicatable, and he expects you to be angry when you try to address anything, and he ends up sleeping, and you end up resentful.

He is probably smarter than you think he is, and capable of seeing there are better ways of doing things that don't require much effort on his part, to make your life a little easier.

Start small. But start with a new way of communicating with him. It may just work.

I think that less pushing, and lowering your expectations a lot, in regards to what you want him to do around the house would help you immensely. Depend on yourself to manage your home, and do what it takes, and let him go to work, and that in itself will lower the conflict factor. Nagging and arguing hasn't worked has it? Telling and demanding hasn't worked either. Back off and run your own show, and let him run his. Over time you can then blend your styles together. Lead by example, and put the bat away.

I think if this guy were Miss Swan's 20 year old son, we'd all be telling her to throw him out to make him grow up.

I can see the merit of trying Jake's approach. And I think that Miss Swan should try it in good faith, just to convince herself that she tried everything. But frankly, I don't think it will work. His comments about making more money and having no intention of helping, to me, tell all. His refusal to leave even for a few days, his planned and unnecessary absence during a critical time when she'd delivered a baby and had surgery. He feels that it's his wife's job to take care of everything, including him. Those are his values. He may do something "generous" like let her sleep in once a week, but he'll make it clear that he's "letting" her do this on his terms. He's never going to be anything approaching an equal partner in the marriage.

Miss Swan is right that money is not everything and I do not think she will miss that messy room if she can even get him to leave, which sounds like the hard part to me.

Nor will the children hate HER if he fails to parent his own children. He will undoubtedly discover an interest in them about the time she actually throws him out, but I suspect it will be an unpredictable and occasional interest. I would recommend throwing him out sooner rather than later. In other words, don't wait 3 years to do this.

But, okay, first try the soft approach--though I wouldn't recommend starting the conversation while he's still wolfing his hamburger, as he will probably resent the intrusion-- and see if he's even capable of hearing the news flash that he has family obligations.

I think your life would be much easier without him.

That was very well written Asking, and you could very well be right.

I'm hoping that a lot of the bravado she sees from him is just posturing. He's in a good place not to have to do anything with the excuses that he puts forth, which do resemble those of an 18 year old!

If he can somehow realize what he is going to lose if he doesn't shape up, then it's a win-win for everybody.

But, I wouldn't bet the farm on it either. I'd just want to be sure.

Fingers crossed.

I think all young couples should at least try to grow into their roles, and responsibilities, at their own pace.

I can't help but think of my own youth, being a new, and hard working father, and my wife doing everything, around the house. The things she put up with, due to my own inexperience had to be frustrating, but over time, as the kids grew, I slowly came around, and the gratitude and love and support became a thing that I wanted to give her.

She appreciated this change, and really, so did I, but wished I had been mature enough to deal with it differently then.

We men are slow sometimes.

Jake and Talaniman, great posts likewise. :)

My own experience was different. I waited 15 years for my ex husband to come around. I really felt like I tried everything. But he just didn't get it. When I finally got him to leave, my household work load dropped by at least a third, maybe half. Having him gone was like being on vacation all the time.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I think all young couples should at least try to grow into their roles, and responsibilities, at their own pace.

I can't help but think of my own youth, being a new, and hard working father, and my wife doing everything, around the house. The things she put up with, due to my own inexperience had to be frustrating, but over time, as the kids grew, I slowly came around, and the gratitude and love and support became a thing that I wanted to give her.

She appreciated this change, and really, so did I, but wished I had been mature enough to deal with it differently then.

We men are slow sometimes.

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That's what I meant in a earlier reply I had three at the age of 22 thought I knew everything
I grew up as my kids grew up