Ask Me Help Desk - Sexual Desire Declined. Boyfriend Upset

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We love each other very much and plan on staying together forever (not sure about marriage as to us it's just a piece of paper but we'll see about that later).

When we were first together I wasn't all that sexually attracted to him. I loved HIM from the start. Who he was. But when it came to sexual things, it was all right. Nothing spectacular. But he had very little experience so I thought it might get better with time. In fact he was a virgin. We had sex all the time in the beginning, but it wasn't that great. It was more so something to do together to get close before we were able to get close emotionally. But he grew on me.

We lived together for a year and got into a routine of about once a week or so. This was during college so I had a lot of free time and energy. I had a lot of mental energy to devote to sex and everything else. Then we were apart for about 9 months while I finished school and he worked. When we saw each other, about once a month, we went at it like rabbits because we missed each other so much and were pretty just straight up horny from a month of being apart. Maybe he got used to this or something... but I can't keep it up every day!

Now, especially lately, we are down to about once every 2 weeks which he has made clear is not enough for him. He masturbates pretty much every day. I am working now and get home about 6:30 and still have work to do at home. That's not the whole reason though. I just don't get turned on when he tries to get me going. When my body is already horny on its own - sometimes it just happens, hormones or whatever, and my vagina has that want-to-be-touched feeling, when that happens I am all about having sex ASAP. I still enjoy it when I'm in the mood. But that doesn't happen often. So he'll try to get me going, but it usually doesn't do much. My vagina just completely lacks that want-to-be-touched feeling. I would LIKE to be horny and be able to enjoy a nice orgasm, but my body just doesn't want to. So what am I supposed to do? I've told him before I'll have sex if he wants even though I won't come, because I'm not in the mood, but I'd let him do me if he wanted. But he doesn't like it when we do that - he says it's not the same, not fun.

I still find him handsome. I still love him. Some things that aren't helping: when he does try to get me going, he just kisses me in a rushed manner, no tender kisses, no rubbing my neck or my shoulders, etc. He'll go straight for the crotch and start humping or rubbing. That doesn't really do much for me. I tried to tell him that but I also don't want to hurt his feelings by saying he sucks at foreplay... you know? He already feels VERY rejected when I decline his advances to have sex. Like almost crying upset it seemed like the other day when all this finally came to a head and he told me he feels rejected. :( Also when we have sex it is pretty methodical. Now I'm not a kinky person, I don't like many positions or different things like oral sex, those things have never been good for me. BUT sometimes it kills the mood when we just get undressed by ourselves, lay down, start humping, finish, immediately get dressed and go on our way... you know?

He also said he misses the "intimacy." I don't get it... because I get my intimacy from snuggling and talking which we do plenty of. When I'm having sex I'm not thinking about his soul and getting close to him emotionally. I'm thinking about what I'm feeling in my crotch! Right? Am I crazy? Should I be thinking about more romantic things? Maybe he has a different definition of intimacy. Or maybe it's just different for men in that having sex is their preferred way to show closeness. I just don't get it.

I feel awful because he feels awful. I don't want to deny him that closeness he said he needs, but at the same time I just can't turn on my crotch like a lightswitch. It just doesn't work like that. So I don't know what to do. Do I have some sexual issues? Are all men and women different like this? I heard WOMEN were the ones who valued sex as an emotional thing, not men... I'm so confused!

ANY advice would be greatly appreciated... thanks!

You both sound young and under experienced.
The best way to grow is together.
If he isn't pleasuring you then you have to help him know what you like and when. Show him with words and actions. Teach him that foreplay helps you feel in the mood, when he puts in the foreplay time that sex is that much more enjoyable for you.
Everyone goes through ruts, that is why other positions and oral sex can really keep your sex life interesting and alive, you have to be willing to try new things and throw in a new move to keep sex from being mandane. So at the same time you are talking about being bored and unenthused, you aren't doing anything to benefit your own enthusiasm.

TALK.

Talk some more.

Talk even MORE.

Seriously--you have to tell him the SAME things you told us.

Women work differently than men do. It's been proven again and again and again. You can't switch from employee, to mom, to cook, to laundress, to maid, to sexy wife ready to go in the bedroom. It doesn't work.

Your BIGGEST sexual organ is your brain. He needs to get into your HEAD before he can get into your pants.

Tell him what you NEED in foreplay. This is non-negotiable.

Does he help around the house? If not, time for him to trade doing the laundry and vacuuming for more time for nookie.

But... what disturbed me about your post was this line:

Quote:

It was more so something to do together to get close before we were able to get close emotionally

You grow together EMOTIONALLY before you get to good sex. If you have to have sex to grow together, you don't have enough in common to begin with.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

You both sound young and under experienced.
The best way to grow is together.
If he isn't pleasuring you then you have to help him know what you like and when. Show him with words and actions. Teach him that foreplay helps you feel in the mood, when he puts in the foreplay time that sex is that much more enjoyable for you.
Everyone goes through ruts, that is why other positions and oral sex can really keep your sex life interesting and alive, you have to be willing to try new things and throw in a new move to keep sex from being mandane. So at the same time you are talking about being bored and unenthused, you aren't doing anything to benefit your own enthusiasm.

Thanks for the response. While I am plenty experienced, you are right that he isn't. I've never had this issue before - the men before always just knew what to do. Never had to instruct someone. So this is definitely a little weird for me :) but I will try. For me, I have never really enjoyed other positions or oral sex. Not sure why, just never liked it. Doggy style hurts (I'm very small, 5' tall, petite) most of the time, and if it doesn't it doesn't feel that great, I'm very clitorial, me on top doesn't do anything but hurt my knees, doesn't feel good at all, and oral sex has never really done anything for me. Maybe all the men I've had suck? But I've had about 8 different partners... so that'd be odd. I'd like to be more open about that, but I can't pretend it feels good when it doesn't. Hmph :( It's not that I want new things in that sense, I just meant it was methodical in that there's no romance no kissing no passion before we get to it. I've told him this before. But he gets sooo sensitive. I guess he's been rejected in the past.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Synnen

TALK.

Talk some more.

Talk even MORE.

Seriously--you have to tell him the SAME things you told us.

Women work differently than men do. It's been proven again and again and again. You can't switch from employee, to mom, to cook, to laundress, to maid, to sexy wife ready to go in the bedroom. It doesn't work.

Your BIGGEST sexual organ is your brain. He needs to get into your HEAD before he can get into your pants.

Tell him what you NEED in foreplay. This is non-negotiable.

Does he help around the house? If not, time for him to trade doing the laundry and vacuuming for more time for nookie.

But....what disturbed me about your post was this line:

You grow together EMOTIONALLY before you get to good sex. If you have to have sex to grow together, you don't have enough in common to begin with.

Thanks for your response. I agree that talking is a big key! It's funny because we can talk about ANYTHING besides THIS! Haha. Figures. I have told him a few things yes... but I'm always hesitant to because he gets sensitive about "not doing well." I guess he'll just have to get over it. I liked that you said non-negotiable. I never thought of my needs that way. I'm a very soft-hearted person... I don't like confrontation or making someone feel bad. But I guess I'll have to.

Yes he helps wonderfully around the house. He cooks most of the time actually. We still have wonderful talks, love to cuddle, hang out... just don't get that turned on when he tries to.

And well, it's not like I really expected the sex to be good in the first few weeks we were together. He was a virgin (at 23) and therefore very inexperienced. He was very eager to try things out. But it was a nice way to get our guards down and become comfortable with each other. Just messing around sometimes, sex other times. I don't understand why you said "if you have to have sex to grow together"... I didn't mean that at all. Is a guy really going to make out with a girl for 6 months and not have sex with her? I know I couldn't do that. I would explode! Haha. So it's not like we could wait until we were best friends before we started messing around. Not really sure about what you meant there.

So maybe it is just him not being good at foreplay type things? And he needs very specific instruction on what to do? Which I'm not even sure because every man I've been with has done their own thing just fine and I've never had a complaint. Or a physical thing on my part. Or I'm just not interested because he's not new anymore? I would hate for that to be it... because I love him. Hmm.

Oh... about 6 months ago he expressed a big interest in swinging or having an open relationship - just being with someone else because he has never had the experience and it would "make things more exciting." I was all for it in theory... but when it came time to do it man... I felt so hurt. It felt totally irrational to be hurt because in my head it made sense, but when it actually came down to doing it it made me sick to my stomach. So that's another thing worth mentioning.

Try not telling him, but telling him in an instructive manner.
Men love listening to women tell them what the want.
If you do it in a gentle way, it will help not offend him.
A sexual relationship can only grow, once you are comfortable with your body, then you can help him be just as comfortable.
When he is doing the things that you like, make sure you are vocalizing it.
After sex, tell him the things he did that you really enjoy.
Like Synnen said, great sex is all about comfort and communication.
So don't point out the things that you don't enjoy, just redirect for the positive enforcement and let him really know what you do enjoy, he will get the message without hurt feelings.
If he goes to reach for the goods too early, help redirect him gently.
Ask him for a kiss, move his hand up to your breast nicely.
Over emphasize when he remembers foreplay first.
Remember foreplay for him, although typically not as necessary it will help show him you want to take your time and there is not a rush.
Learn together, experiment, some positions aren't wonderful for a woman's stimulation but are fantastic for men, learn to help yourself so that it can change up the scenerio for him.
You have been together for a long time, a great, healthy, well communicated sex life can take your relationship to another level.

It's not his fault for doing things you dislike if you don't clear things up for him. Instructing him doesn't have to be hurtful to him. You could say something like "You know what would really turn me on?" Then, let him know. Kissing, touching, whatever it is you would really like for him to do. Of course, since he's missing the intimacy of sex, he'll be more than happy to do what you need (hopefully) in order to see an increase in sex. Talk to him...

Good luck!

Actually, masturbation is a GREAT tool for getting to be best friends before you jump into bed together.

Sorry... but if you are NOT comfortable out of bed, you're not going to be open and honest enough IN bed for it to be good for both people.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Try not telling him, but telling him in an instructive manner.
Men love listening to women tell them what the want.
If you do it in a gentle way, it will help not offend him.
A sexual relationship can only grow, once you are comfortable with your body, then you can help him be just as comfortable.
When he is doing the things that you like, make sure you are vocalizing it.
After sex, tell him the things he did that you really enjoy.
Like Synnen said, great sex is all about comfort and communication.
So don't point out the things that you don't enjoy, just redirect for the positive enforcement and let him really know what you do enjoy, he will get the message without hurt feelings.
If he goes to reach for the goods too early, help redirect him gently.
Ask him for a kiss, move his hand up to your breast nicely.
Over emphasize when he remembers foreplay first.
Remember foreplay for him, although typically not as necessary it will help show him you want to take your time and there is not a rush.
Learn together, experiment, some positions aren't wonderful for a woman's stimulation but are fantastic for men, learn to help yourself so that it can change up the scenerio for him.
You have been together for a long time, a great, healthy, well communicated sex life can take your relationship to another level.

Those are all awesome suggestions thanks. I think SHOWING him might be a lot more comfortable for me than just telling him bluntly. I have NEVER liked dirty talk, just feels so fake to me. Hearing or saying. I'm more comfortable telling him what I like vs. dirty talk but it's still not as easy as showing, for me anyway.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Synnen

Actually, masturbation is a GREAT tool for getting to be best friends before you jump into bed together.

Sorry...but if you are NOT comfortable out of bed, you're not going to be open and honest enough IN bed for it to be good for both people.

Right. But that was the past, anyway. Can't really do much about it. Like I said I wasn't expecting it to be good back then. Now we ARE very close. Everything was fine until a few months ago. Just lost interest for all the above stated possible reasons. We talk about everything but for whatever reason now we can't get past this one thing. Going to try some of the suggestions soon, though. It's all full of anxiety though now that we've argued a few times about it haha. We'll see how it goes.

Something that has worked wonders for me in my current relationship is "not talking." Take 30 minutes or so and touch, stroke, massage and kiss him. He just lies there (says nothing) and you watch his facial expressions and changes in physical warmth and turgidity. Then, before going on to have sex, discuss what you saw and thought. Have him tell you what he experienced.

Then it's his turn. He must watch your every small reaction. Then tell him how you felt when he did this or that. What expression(s) does your face show when your crotch feels like being touched? Do your nipples become erect? Are you more or less relaxed, where? Now it's really time to talk. Getting you excited and knowing what to watch and listen for is the fun he's missing. He probably doesn't even know that, yet.

[QUOTE=Farber221;1928931]My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We love each other very much and plan on staying together forever (not sure about marriage as to us it's just a piece of paper but we'll see about that later).QUOTE

Yes it is just a piece of paper but it can be worth thousands and thousand of dollars if something should happen to him or if he should just leave you. You could be responsible for any and all of his debts. So if I were you and you plan to stay with him that you look into all of the law that affect unmarried people living together ads man and wife.

Rough case... as a man let me tell you if I was only allowed to have it once every two weeks... she would have been shown the door a long time ago.

Now I'm not saying you have to put out every night just because... but do keep in mind, marriage isn't about selfishness. Or power struggles.

Lack of sex, or very infrequent sex are about the same thing... and will destroy a marriage in short order.

And sex IS part of love when you are in a marriage... unlike dating and getting to know what kind of person they are.

You need to see what the cause of your lack of drive is... and if there is nothing to be done... consider finding someone else that has a drive as low as your own... or it will grow to become a monster in its own right.

Meaning, Its already an issue for him... you don't see it as such. It will only cause more and more friction until at some point he decides it just isn't worth it any more and leaves.