Ask Me Help Desk - Is she using me?

All right well. Over the past few months I've been spending time with this girl. The best way I can describe our relationship currently would be that we are "friends with benefits". And I just can't tell whether she wants to officially be in a steady relationship, or if she is just using me.

Now I've known this girl for years. I've always viewed her as very genuine, kind and fun person. I would consider us to be friends but not necessarily very close friends. We would hang out on occasion, see each other at parties and talk etc... A few months ago I told her that I was interested in her and desired to be more than friends. I discovered that she felt the same way but she wanted to go slow due to unwanted drama in her life.

That was about 3 months ago. Not much as changed. We see each other once or twice a week and don't really communicate unless we are making plans. Also, I am always the one who has to get things going. We won't talk for days, sometimes weeks, unless I reach out to her first. Everything is usually kept light and casual between us unless we are totally alone and only then will she feel comfortable acknowledging that we are more than friends. In public and with other friends she wants to act like we are only friends.

Overtime I thught our relationship would develop into something more and she would start using me as support for her stress and drama but she hasn't. Sometimes I feel like I am one of her dramatic unwanted problems. Recently I asked her about what was going on with us and (after trying to avoid answering the question for a week) finally opened up to me about what she was/has been dealing with. Which involves her ex boyfriend that she had dated for 2 and 1/2 yrs. knowing that her mother was cheating on her father for a yr. and keeping it a secret until their ugly divorce, and now she is being forced to move in with her mother and new boyfriend (incidently, the same guy her mother was cheating on her father with).

While she did open up to me about some of her deepest secrets and most painful memories, she failed to answer the question of what we were doing? Does she intend to be in a steady normal relationship with me? She said that she didn't know, and neither wants to stop being this "friends with benefits" nor did she feel comfortable taking the next step.

Now here's the big question...
Is she just using me to help cope with her previous and current problems? Or is she actually interested in me and want to be more than friends? I feel that I could help her more with her stress and drama if we were in a more open and unconcealed relationship. All I want is for her to be happy. Preferably happy with me. But I can't handle this between stuff due to past unhealthy relationships I've had.
:confused: :(

It seems like she doesn't want anything more, and if it has been going of for this long she probably won't. It seems like she likes the fact that your relationship with each other is un complicated and un dramatic.

From a girls view! I think she is coping with her pain by having sex! She wants to feel wanted in some kind of way, but she doesn't want a relationship! I think you should break off the friends with benefits with her and just be her friend I think that what she needs the most right now! She has too much on her plate and she needs to deal with her issues first and the relationship part last! You don't want a relationship full of issues, all that will cause is fights!

You both have issues, and baggage from the past, and it usually always happens with the "friends with benefits" thing, that one partner will be satisfied with the way things are, and the other will want more.

Seldom does it work out, and I would rethink having sex, under these circumstances.

Only after you have backed away, and gained a better view of what's going on with her, as well as with you, will you be able to see, at this time this will go NO WHERE fast. You have become more attached than she has.

That's a conflict, and I doubt either of you is emotionally healthy enough, to resolve it.

Sorry guy, to many issues, and obstacles, and not enough communications.

You enetr this set up knowing that the two you were just friends with benefits so you can't go and change the rules now because you want more. You even continue with this set up or leave.

She isn't using you nor are you using her. The only thing that changed for your feelings towards her because you want her to want what you want but she doesn't and you should understand that. If you want to help her with her problems you can do that without being her man--isn't that what friends are for??

Time for to take the hints she are throwing and start your journey towards looking fopr someone who wants what you wants. Don't ever do this friends with benefits thing again because you can't handle it.;)

Liz is right
When you start a ''friends with benefits'' that is exactly what you get.
IF you want more then you have to tell her you have developed feelings and either need a committed relationship or move on.
You are only hurting yourself if you stay and have feelings where she doesn't.

To put what everyone else said simply:

Yes, she is using you.
Put up or give up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by robfitz111

We won't talk for days, sometimes weeks, unless i reach out to her first.

Ask yourself honestly... do you really believe that she wants anything more out of a relationship with you?

It seems everyone's answers here are pretty much dead on.. just like I suspect you have always known, regardless of whether you have wanted to believe it.

If someone is interested in making things more serious, they will typically make it known.

You have already passed the point of no return. You can no longer go back to the way things were... the way things are now to her.

You said that all you wanted to do was make her happy. If you try to pursue things further, it will complicate things for her and she will not be happy. If you try to continue on the way things are, your feelings will get in the way... complicate things.. and she will not be happy.

You have no choice but to end it.

Hopefully soon, you can continue to be her friend and be there if she needs you.

Thank you all for your imput and advice. I now know what has to be done.

Quote:

Originally Posted by robfitz111

thank you all for your imput and advice. I now know what has to be done.

Care to share?