Ask Me Help Desk - I suspect my boyfriend is addicted to cocaine.

when I first got with my boyfriend he was heavily addicted to cocaine... I told him it was the drug or me he needed to choose. He told me that he chose me and he was done with drugs... well 6 months later when he got arrested for possession of marijuana he admitted to me that he had been lying to me for the past 6 months and he was still doing cocaine on a regular basis behind my back. Because of his arrest he was put on a year probation with random drug testing this was in December 2008. He went till this month ( August of 09) without one drug test. When they did ask him to perform a drug test he would make up an excuse like he couldn't pee or something like that. I have recently gotten information from a neighbor who also does cocaine that my boyfriend was still doing it but he has been telling me since our daughter was born 6 months ago that he has not and would not try it at all but how am I supposed to believe him when he lied to me for a whole 6 month about it. I cannot check his pupils cause they are always big. He doesn't sniffle a lot... his family says he has always had a very bad temper. The worst thing is that we have a child together and I would not want her in this situation. What do you folks think I should do?? When I bring up the fact that people have told me that they believe he is on drugs he gets very upset and angry and defensive about it... but that is how he is about a lot of things also and I am too like I am completely one hundred and ninety percent drug free have never touched a drug in my life... I smoke ciggerettes that's the worst thing I would ever do to my body but if someone accuses me of doing drugs I get very defensive cause I am very much so against people who have kids and do drugs. Please someone help me I don't know what I should do...
I am scared if I confront him he will get angry and abusive like he used to be.
but I don't want to sit back and let the drugs take over his life either.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tashie1245

because of his arrest he was put on a year probation with random drug testing this was in december 2008. he went till this month ( august of 09) without one drug test. when they did ask him to perform a drug test he would make up an excuse like he couldnt pee or something like that.

I am surprised they would let him get away with something like this.
This alone shows he is lying.
He should be in trouble for refusing the tests.

You can try calling his PO and saying that he is avoiding the tests with excuses because he is still doing the crack.

I am scared that his PO would tell him that I said that and when he came home from probation he would take out his anger on me I am a little girl I weigh 82 lbs and am only 5 feet tall. He is about 5'9 and weighs probably 160. He has hit me before and ever gave me a scar. He is very controlling and possesive and if I try to call 911 he will smash my phone and hit me harder or more.

I think you need to get out and go where ever you have to to get away. A women's domestic violence shelter may be the best place for now.
There is NO reason you should tolerate him hitting you for ANY reason. Your daughter does not need to grow up in a hostile environment with this kind of tension.

The domestic violence shelter in my area will even relocate you and give you a new identity if that is what it takes.

This guy sounds like trouble to me. You should not have to be in fear of your physical safety with this man, and you should most certainly not expose your child to the violence and the drug use.

I'm agreeing with N0help4u here, I think that the safest thing is for you to get out. Once you are somewhere safe you could negotiate with him, by cell phone of course, and set conditions for your return, if that's what you decide to do.

He has already lied to you about the drug use, and I would not be even thinking about going back to him until he has been to a detox center and got counselling for his aggressive behavior.

With her updated post she needs to get away asap as far away as possible

Quote:

Originally Posted by tashie1245

i am scared that his PO would tell him that i said that and when he came home from probation he would take out his anger on me i am a little girl i weigh 82 lbs and am only 5 feet tall. he is about 5'9 and weighs probably 160. he has hit me before and ever gave me a scar. he is very controling and possesive and if i try to call 911 he will smash my phone and hit me harder or more.

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck.

But the cocaine is not the issue I'm worried about. He HITS you? Even harder when you call for help? Do you want your child to grow up in an orphanage? Leave him, with help of family, friends, and the police.

Never, ever, let a man hit you. Bottom line. It is unacceptable. He hit you when you were pregnant, didn't he. He is a piece of shi*. I hope you have brothers, father, grandfather, someone who can help you.

If you were my sister, I'd take a shovel to him.

And, I hate to tell you, but the cigarettes are sometimes worse than drug use. Plus, think of the baby, that second hand smoke is bad. How about breast mlik?

May GOD protect you, and give you strength to find a safe place to raise your baby.

I smoke outside only. And she is eating babyfood and goodstart formula.
Thank u.
Id like to get out asap but my new problem is he won't leave me alone with my daughter until he goes back to work on the special needs busses so I'm kind of stuck in a catch 22.

You are in quite a situation. I used cocaine on a very regular basis for almost 3 years. I have now been clean since June 19, 2007. I tried to quit many times but was unable to, the only thing that worked was moving completely away from the situation. My guess is he is still using, if you don't change your playmates, play places and play things the temptation is to hard to resist. I smoked it on foil so I never sniffled. Him being so defensive when asked is probably because he has something to hide. You are in a very dangerous situation. If you are unable to go places alone maybe you could try getting someone to come 2 you. Have you tried domestic violence hotlines for pointers on how to get out? Where I used to live the local health department offered a service to new mothers where a nurse would come over and do a home visit answering any questions you may need help with, they would always ask if your spouse or partner is abusive (on paper of course), they will get you the help needed. You could be discreet if you if you could get someone offering some sort of home service into your home to answer questions about your baby and let them know of your situation without him knowing. Professionals are very aware of how dangerous it could be if he found out you told his secret so they would know to be discreet. You have to be ready to leave and not look back. There are a lot of servics out there to help people in your situation but if you only go back its useless even trying because you will most likely get punished very harshly when you return. My first husband was abusive not as bad to leave scars but I left him when my son was 5 months old because he didn't deserve to grow up in that situation, he is now 12 and we survived and were much happier on our own. If your allowed to go to the doctors office alone with your child that would be another resource to get help. I hope you are safe and if you are worried about your child growing up without a father you must think of what is being witnessed, do you really want your child growing up thinking it's OK? I was my child's mom and dad for 4 years and knew within the first week it was the right decision, I noticed in his body language he was more comfortable away from the toxic environment.